In The Hour of Affliction

0 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.

Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.

I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.

I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:

• Get to bed by 11 on school nights
• Wake up at 6:30 every morning
• Study the LDS gospel principles every morning

I think this will really help me this week. However...today is all I can promise. I will be sober for the rest of today!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Lord is My Strength

2 days sober:

I am LDS. I accept the LDS scriptures as doctrine. We have a section of our canon of scripture called The Pearl of Great Price. In this book there is a book called the Book of Abraham. While reading out of that this morning I realized that God is all-powerful. Why I haven't relied on Him before now I don't know...I guess I just like to feel in-control of my life.

From my reading and pondering this morning, I decided that I will do my best today to rely on His direction. I am going to start off my day by letting Him know I want to be directed by Him today and then heading out.

This is my hope for recovery, and this is my checking in for the day.

Here's to another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

One day at a time

2 days sober:

We have a common saying or ideal that we try to live by in SA. That is to take our recovery one day at a time.

I don't do very well in thinking about this on a daily basis. Today I didn't really think about my recovery at all...until I caught myself taking street lust hits on some of the girls in the library I was walking through. I caught myself and for one of the very few times so far, I immediately thought about calling someone to get the shame and frustration out of my head. Not only to shed it, but to establish a connection with someone.

So, while I don't do very well in living this ideal, I did make a commitment with my Accountability Partner to be sober today. I can only promise sobriety for the rest of today because tomorrow is a whole new day.

This is my experience and I commit to sobriety for the rest of today.

-Grateful and Hopeful

A New Start 2x

1 day sober:

Today is a new start for me in several ways, and while I am excited about this I am also a bit cautious. In what ways am is today a new start for me? Here you go:

• I start my school classes today.

After spending a summer recovering from a surgery, I am ready to do something. I am ready for class. Learning something has become a love of mine. I am very excited to start my classes because I want to learn as much as I can.

• I start my sobriety again today.

Last night I stayed up too late and relapsed.  I am worried about this one. I am excited to be starting over, but I also am worried. The first couple days are hard.

Well, that is what is going on with me today.

This is my daily experience. I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Becoming Grateful

4 days sober:

Yesterday I had something happen that was very important to me. I was reminded of something I need to do every day that I haven't been doing; being grateful for the things that happen in my life. Here is how I was reminded:

Yesterday morning my Accountability Partner called me because he needed some help. We chatted for awhile, both of us talked about problems we have been having, and then we went on with our respective days. I had a wonderful day filled with relaxation, time with my girlfriend, getting ready for the next semester at college, and spending time with a friend because he needed it.

There were a couple bad parts though. I tried to work on a project for a choir I am in, but I felt too lazy. I wasn't able to procure a computer with the right software and so I rationalized that there wasn't anything I could do. I then rationalized that my friend needed me to spend time with him as bro's rather than going to my SA group meeting. (I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow morning to make up for it) These kinds of rationalizations are dangerous for me because of the mindset I put myself in.

As I started getting into bed I had some inappropriate  thoughts about my girlfriend, trying to guess what she was wearing while playing tennis. I caught myself thinking those though and decided to surrender the desire to think of her in that way to the Lord. I prayed, was able to surrender the thoughts, and then went to bed.

Right as I was falling asleep my Accountability Partner called again. I was super happy to talk to him and I could tell he needed some time to talk. So, he talked for about 20 minutes straight about his feelings and why he was feeling triggered and desiring watching some movie. As he talked I was reminded of how I used to write down 3 things I was grateful for that day. Things the Lord had done for me that day. As my AP talked I didn't see why I was thinking of this and then he said this, "I just don't know what to do right now to get my mind off of what I was watching last week." Bingo! I shared with him my idea and then we ended the call.

The point to this story is that the Lord used me to help my AP, but he also reminded me of something I needed to be doing. As I got out of bed to write down the ways the Lord had touched my life that day, I immediately thought of my AP calling.

Gratitude is essential for my to keep my recovery in perspective. I have a bigger purpose than just making myself happy. I have a loving Father in Heaven who wants me to live with Him after I die. I can only do that if I live his gospel. I am very grateful for that reminder yesterday.

This is my daily experience and this is my prayer for another 24 hours of recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Thoughts during a relapse

4 days sober:

I had a revelation Sunday night after my relapse. Well, it was actually right in the middle of it. This is the email I sent myself after my relapse: (Some of the words and terminology I use are common amongst members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I will try to explain what might not be understood)

"As I watched the porn video tonight I identified a different feeling. I've had this before while watching, but I never was able to identify what it was I was feeling. Tonight I think I understand better.
As I watched two women going at it and one being stimulated to orgasm I felt, very clearly, a strong aversion. In other words, I felt like it was wrong to watch that video. I don't think it was because I was breaking the Law of Chastity (a commandment from God that says not to have any sexual relations except between husband and wife), but because the act I was witnessing is such a sacred act that there shouldn't ever be videos made of it for others to view let alone it ever being put to film.
I think it is very interesting how I feel this now. I think I am starting to understand what Elder Holland meant when he gave the talk, Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. (This was a talk that an Apostle gave at Brigham Young University) The power to create is so sacred and holy that I should only share it with the one special person with whom I am going to be married and sealed to for all eternity. (In the holy temples we build we are able to perform certain ordinances that will seal a husband and wife together so they will be married for all time here on earth as well as for the eternities after we die)
Now, how can I remember this from day to day so I can keep myself clean for her?
Print this off and read it each morning? Expound on it each day?
Pray for the ability to remember these feelings each day?
I need to do this each day though. I can feel that this realization is important for my recovery. I am grateful God was able to touch my heart tonight. Very grateful."

I have thought about this experience the last couple days. I have thought about it a lot...and it actually saved me this morning. I got up because of a truck that was working outside my window (very noisy, couldn't keep sleeping) and then had the thought, "I really don't want to call my accountability partner today." WARNING!!!! Yeah, I'm supposed to call him when I am done with this post, but I am so glad I was blessed with the presence of mind to notice the danger sign. Last night I was in danger as well, but I was able to go to an SA group meeting and then spend time with my girlfriend so I wasn't tempted to look at porn or anything.

I guess the focus of my post is having a clear presence of mind. Mine started Sunday night and I am very grateful for that. It isn't staying with me all the time...I have to work at it. I can't expect my mind to stay clear all the time because the tracks in my mind I paved while in the depths of my addiction are still very accessible.I can't just glide...I have to actively work to be in tune, or to have a connection with God.

I am grateful for this experience. I commit to being sober for the next 12 and 1/2 hours (until 12 am at which point I will be in bed asleep). This is my daily experience and this is my hope for recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Responsibility is not fun?

1 day sober:

Today has had many different things happen, but the one thing that is on my mind...foremost at least, is when I slipped up last. It was last night around 2 am. Why was I up? Because I wanted to keep watching How I Met Your Mother episodes...yeah, that was the reason.

My plan last night was to be up and working around 9 in the morning. That didn't work because I didn't go to sleep until 5:15 this morning. I have been shirking responsibility for the past week. Staying up late, not reading anything I should, not keeping engagements that I don't think are fun...just things like that.

Why am I doing this? Is it because I'm just a flake and can't take responsibility? I'm not sure. I feel like I can be responsible when I want to be, but most times it is just so easy to not be. I guess I just need to man up and do my best in every way.

So, I need to call my sponsor today. That is my goal.

This is my daily experience and check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Habit of Relapse

1 day sober:

Yeah, I'm an idiot. Tonight I totally looked up some porn, watched it, and then masturbated. What happened this time?

Well, here's what happened:

• I watched a movie alone that I knew had racy parts in it. Why? Because I wanted to watch the movie. It was about soccer and I thought I would be able to handle it. Yeah, didn't happen did it...
• While watching the movie, instead of focusing on the story I focused on what one of the women in the movie was wearing. Her lingerie was definitely visible. Black lingerie has always been very triggering to me.
• Instead of turning the movie off and calling someone like I should have, I jumped into searching for a video. Found it. Watched it. Masturbated. Felt like crap. (You'd think that since I feel like crap every time I would be able to remember that...and avoid it? Nope...)

So, what am I going to do? I am going to call my sponsor right now, go to a group meeting tomorrow, and get back into doing all of my daily's. I have been seriously slacking on that and I can't do that.

Am I upset with myself? Yes...I am. I let my guard down today because I had gotten 30 days in a row of sobriety. However...I have pushed the line a couple times and it was getting more frequent. Ugh...gotta do better now!

This is my daily experience...and today is especially important. Feel free to comment in if you have any wise words...even if it isn't wise I would love to hear from you. I pray I can get 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Home Cooked Meal

29 days sober:

My dad and I are launching a business in the next two weeks and so I have a lot to do...working with him to get it all ready. So, after living up at my apartment for a couple days, 4 to be exact, I decided to come down to my parent's house in order to be closer to my dad so we can work together better...but the wonderful meals my mom fixes are a lot better than what I usually eat on my own. So, that is a nice bonus.

But, I'm not only bragging about my mom's cooking here...this has made me reflect on what it means to have a home. I don't consider my apartment to be my home. It is a place I stay, but the place I really feel safe and warm in is my parent's house. I know I can come here any time I need to and I can be safe here. I am very grateful I have a place like that.

Feeling like I belong somewhere is crucial to my recovery. That is just one more sense of comfort that I have that makes me comfortable. Along with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (and all the wonderful blessings of peace and happiness that come along with living the gospel) I have so many blessings in my life. A wonderful family, a cute (new) girlfriend, a car that drives, a bed to sleep in, food to eat...my life really is great.

So, I will be grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life. With this gratitude will come a greater appreciation for the things around me and I will ultimately become more loving. As I do this I believe I will be able to stay in recovery...but really the only one who can help me with that is my Heavenly Father. God is the only one who can help me get lasting recovery. I am so grateful He is in my life and I love Him so much!

This is my daily check in and my experience. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Art of Manliness

28 days sober:

I started a book yesterday called The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man. I've been wanting to read this book for awhile, and it is so much better than I expected! I love reading it!

The first chapter (I have only read the first chapter so far) is about how to be a Gentleman. It talks about how you should dress, about wearing a suit...it pretty much was awesome. So, how does all of this apply to recovery? Well, I have been learning about myself and I have always wanted to be a gentleman. I've tried to be all my life and here is something that will help me on my way to that goal. Fulfilling goals is always a good thing. Unless your goal is bad...then it is ultimately a bad thing, but for now let's assume everyone's goals are good!

 I am excited to read the rest of the book. I'll see what else it can teach me.

On the topic of recovery, life is going great. I am loving my life and I feel like I am finally starting to breathe. Now, I need to make sure I don't get complacent and slip, but I sure am grateful for the amount of sobriety the Lord has given me so far. My head is much clearer, avoiding temptations is much easier; life is just much more enjoyable.

I take life one day, one hour, one minute at a time. This is the key, along with being grateful for what the Lord has given me. I love my life and I can't wait until I can firmly say that I am a recovering sex-aholic and that it will be something significant.

This is my experience and this is my life. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery...it means so much to me. My Father in Heaven is the only one who can give that to me though and for that I am truly grateful!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Great Gatsby and a haircut

23 days sober:

I think its been awhile since I posted 2 days in a row...exciting eh? Ha ha, well, today I want to write about some thoughts I had while watching The Great Gatsby (not the new one, but the old 1974 one with Robert Redford) as well as write about how excited I am about getting a haircut!

The Great Gatsby - I thought it was a great movie and very well done, but the whole story just unnerved me a bit. I mean, a married couple are both having affairs with other people and then they end up together at the end again! I guess I understand Gatsby going after Daisy a little bit...he used to love her and the reason she didn't marry him was because he didn't have money. So, he spend 8 years making a fortune and then goes back to the dream he once had of marrying the girl he loved. A great story, but totally impractical.

When life goes on without us, we need to adapt and look at our changed circumstances. Something as important and impregnable as a marriage should never be tried with remembrances of past love. Daisy and Tom might not have loved each other as strongly as Daisy and Gatsby did, but surely they could have grown into their love and made something of it. Of course, it would have taken both partners being faithful.

I want my marriage to be happy. I want my wife to be perfectly devoted to me and I hope and pray with all my heart I can give her the same. I want my wife to know that I love her. I want to make her happy and smile every day. I hope I can do that.

Now, onto something I am very excited about; getting a haircut! My hair has been looking awful these last couple weeks while I have been recovering. Now, I know I'm recovering and I shouldn't care what my hair looks like, but I am a person who likes to have a good self-image. I like to present myself to people and I like to look good. I know my hair looks good shorter and so I have been having a hard time coping with how my hair looks right now. But, tomorrow that will all change! I just hope I have someone cut my hair that knows what they are doing and can make it look good.

I need something little like this to be excited about. I am glad I can be excited about it and I can't wait!

This is my experience today. I am grateful for my life and for the inspiring lives of others! I pray I can have another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Enjoying the life I lead

22 days sober:

I had another close call yesterday. I jumped on the internet and watched some videos...I guess I could reset my sobriety because of it, but I also know that it didn't effect me like other times when I have reset my sobriety. I'm not sure why, but I am going to think a lot more on it.

Anyway, to the title and subject of my post. (Almost wrote poast...interesting way to write it and I'm not quite sure what a poast would be...maybe a post made by an addict?) How can I enjoy the life I live? Here are a couple ways I do this*.

• Write a list of 3 things I am grateful for each night. - When I do this I realize what great things I do have in my life. I usually don't stop at 3 because once I start (unless I am having an unbelievably hard day) the things that are wonderful in my life just tend to pour into my mind. So fast that it is hard to finish the thoughts of the original 3 things I am grateful for.
• Do things I find joy in. - This is one of the more important things I do. Finding things I enjoy and then doing them - listening to music, playing the violin (something I need to start doing again), drawing, writing, talking with friends, reading a good novel, watching a movie - brings a certain enjoyment into my life that is hard to get in any other way.
• Try to learn at least one new thing a day. - I try to read books that educate me, and through reading these book I am expanding my knowledge every day. Now, the days I don't read and learn usually are the days I come to the end of feeling unfulfilled. There are a lot of things that contribute to that feeling but not learning something or not trying to improve what I know definitely contributes to feeling unfulfilled.
• Express my gratitude to those around me. - This is the fastest way I know of to turn my mood around. If I can change the way I think about and look at the people around me...see them as someone contributing to my life instead of taking away from it, I can consequently change my attitude. I end up being happier because of this.
• Read and study The Book of Mormon. - This is my main indicator of whether or not my day is going to go well. If I read and study out of The Book of Mormon in the morning of my day then my day invariably ends up better than it would have been otherwise. In other words, the days I do read and study The Book of Mormon are better than the days I don't.

Now, this is not a fool-proof list. There are days I have that are just bad. I have to accept that. Sometimes that can be very uncomfortable, but that is just life!

If you get a chance, watch the video on this link. Warning, it is on youtube so if one of your bottom lines is to not get on youtube alone then I'd suggest going and getting someone to watch with you.

  Bring a smile to your face

Well, that is my experience today and this is my daily check-in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Scraping by while trying to be refined

18 days sober:

Well, I came close to slipping up about 10 minutes ago. I have an obsession with sports bras. For some reason I find them very triggering and very attractive. And for the last couple days I haven't been able to get sports bras off my mind! It seems like each female I look at is almost instantly slipped into a sports bra in my mind in order to see how she looks in one...that is sick. I am sometimes blown away by what my mind will do in order to get the next "fix."

I posted a couple days ago about refinement. Well, I didn't go too much into my thoughts on the matter. I just posted the article I had read and mentioned that people should read it. So here are a couple of my thoughts.

Refinement - this is something I strive for. I want to be a gentleman. I want my language to be refined and elegant. I would like my appearance to be clean, neat, and respectable. I want to be familiar with the great works on literature, music, and art. Art not so much, but music and literature? Yes...I want to know them and love them. I want people to respect me and see me as a man of my word and as a person who will do whatever I say. Starting off great as a sex-addict right? Ha ha, yeah...not so much.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. The day I read the article I listened to some classical music, started memorizing a poem (IF by Rudyard Kipling), and didn't watch as many movies as I usually do.

*Side note: I am recovering from a surgery and am consigned to a couch. Movies are one of the things I can do while I am sitting here.*

BUT, that devotion to becoming refined only lasted that one day. Today I have watched a lot of movies and boy...I sure came close to slipping up! What causes this? True...I am a bit more tired today and yesterday than I have been...so tonight I will go to bed a bit earlier and try to sleep longer so I am not struggling with being tired.

Back to refinement. I need to be patient with myself as I try to establish habits of refinement. Only by making more, better habits will I be able to become refined.

This is my daily check in, and this is my experience. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Living a life of refinement

16 days sober:

Yesterday I had something wonderful happen to me. I had a group of friends from the apartment complex I live in at school come down to my parents' house (where I am staying while I recover from my surgery) and visit with me. In the LDS Church we do something we call Family Home Evening (FHE). Typically we sing a hymn from our Church hymnal, pray together, have a discussion on a gospel topic or about a talk that one of our Church leaders gave, have treats, and then play a game together or have some other type of activity. So, this is what this group of friends did! They came down to have FHE with me and to help me feel like I am still a part of my ward at school. (In the Church we organize our congregations into things called wards. Typically they have about 200 to 600 people in them.)

So, this is what happened to me. Now why is this wonderful? Well, for 2 reasons.

1. Because they took time to drive down and see me, I felt loved and noticed by them. I felt like I was still a part of my ward, something I have been struggling with - not feeling loved by anyone other than my parents.
2. The discussion we had as a group really opened my mind up to how I should be spending my time right now while I am recovering as well as how I can spend my life in search for information and knowledge.

The talk we discussed was this: Our Refined Heavenly Home

If you get a chance, I would strongly recommend reading it. It is an amazing talk and the information and ideas in it are very well thought out and presented.

Basically the visit was an answer to my prayers and questions. Some of which I didn't even know I had! How does this apply to recovery as a sexaddict? Well, it gave me strength to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who cares about me and who blesses me. Strength to continue on when my struggle to recover seems pointless. I am grateful for that.

This is my daily experience and check in, and I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery and sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Worst year of my life

13 days sober:

The last year has been one of the hardest/worst years ever. But it has also been very good.
The bad:

• Sick over Christmas break from school while all my extended family was visiting. Couldn't do anything with them. Couldn't eat any good food.
• Girlfriend announced over Christmas break that she was going to leave on a mission.
• Can't get any length of sobriety or recovery from my sex addiction.
• Went in for surgery in February and was limited to activities that I could do from a couch - for 15 weeks.
• Girlfriend left on mission.
• Went in for surgery again in June.
• Because of surgeries can't do anything I love to do - outdoors activities, running, biking, hiking - and won't be able to for another year.

The good:

• Surgery is fixing a problem that would have caused serious pain in the very near future and for the rest of my life.
• I still have my life.
• I am in a recovery program.

I've been feeling very discouraged for the last while because of how much negative there has been in my life. I have not been doing enough to grow my life in my church and I have not been doing enough to recover. I feel like my life is crumbling because I can't do anything I love because I am in a cast and can't run, or bike, or work out. Any dates I go on are really lame because I can't do anything fun. So...my life pretty much sucks right now.

This is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and growth spiritually.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Making a decision to love and be happy

12 days sober:

For Independence Day all of my siblings and I all gathered at our parents' home in order to celebrate and have a mini family reunion. I have two 4 year-old nieces and then two more nieces who are twins and are about 10 months old. For some reason they have all been super tired and screaming and running around the house. Well, that is the behavior you would expect from kids that old, but it was still getting on my nerves.

Why? Well, since getting my surgery last week on Friday I haven't had much patience. I've been doing my best to not get upset with my parents taking care of me because that usually gets on my nerves! Then, to add in the pain I have from the surgery which at times is excruciating, I am on the edge basically all the time. Having some screaming kids running around really helped me get frustrated and angry.

So, I moved all my recovery stuff down to my room in order to not be around all of the others. What does this all have to do with recovery? Well, what I decided to do next is the important part.

I believe a positive mindset is one of the most important tools in my toolbox of recovery. The times when I have had a positive mindset...when I have felt like I can recover from this no matter how many times I fall, I recover in great leaps and bounds! (Now I have to be careful right now because I am starting to feel confident and boastful...which are precisely the moods I get in right before I start my slide to acting out) So, I made a decision to be happy and to just love my family. I want to be positive!

"But it's not that easy." - This might be running through your mind right now. Here's my answer - Yes, you can't just make this decision ONE time...its the same concept of staying sober. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. This is how I live and this is how I can stay positive. I have made a negative attitude such a strong habit in my life that it will take awhile to switch that habit over to being positive.

After I made this decision it was a lot easier to be around my family. I still get frustrated, but I am more able to forgive, surrender, and change my attitude. I am so grateful the Lord helped me do this. Without His help I would not be able to be where I am today.

This is my daily experience and this is my check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

My bottom lines and surgery

9 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I have been sober for 9 days! I am still just taking it one day at a time though. That is the only way I will be able to rely on God enough to have His strength, love, and power in my life so I can beat this addiction.

Today I wanted to list out my bottom lines. Bottom lines are things I will never do because I know that if I do one of them, then acting out is right around the corner. Since coming up with these I have not been perfect, but they have sure helped me recognize when I am on the edge of acting out and they have helped me step away from that tipping point many times.

Here they are:

• I will never be on the internet alone
• I will never have my laptop in my room ( I live in an apartment with 3 other guys and it would be really easy to isolate myself in my room)
• I will always have at least 3 meals a day - Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
• I will always get at least 6 hours of sleep a night
• I will be in bed by 11 pm every night
• Every shower I take will be 10 minutes or less

These are boundaries I have set so that I will know if I am getting close to acting out. I am grateful for my sponsor for reminding me to do this. He also helped me come up with a couple of them.

I am very grateful for doctors right now. I had surgery this last Friday and I am so grateful that the doctors have the knowledge they do so they can fix my leg.  The wonders we have available to us through the medical field are amazing!

Well, this is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A conversation with my father

4 days sober:

I messed up Monday. I jumped on Netflix, watched a movie I have watched in the past for getting my drug, went and masturbated...and then I felt awful! I was at 7 days and in 15 minutes I blew that streak. Not that I am upset about the number of days per say, but I am upset that I blew away the peace that has been on my mind. That peace comes for me when I have good recovery...and usually it takes about 7 days of sobriety to get good recovery. I've often heard SA members say that recovery is all about quality, not quantity. I try to keep that in mind as I go through my ups and downs. It feels like my 47 days of sobriety was a dream. I can't imagine having that much right now!

Now I am feeling almost like I was on Monday. Well, before my slip-up. I feel hopeful, grateful, connected in a small way with God...and its wonderful! I am loving it! Why do I feel this way? What makes the difference?

Prayer

I have really been reaching out to God for the last couple days, pleading with my Father in Heaven to lift me and strengthen me. I believe He can do it. I want Him to do it. I want to turn my every thought and action into whatever He wants them to be. My honest conversations with Him have made the difference the last couple days. At least, that is what I believe is happening and helping.

Also, yesterday I went to lunch with my dad and one of his old business friends. That was very fun and I loved being with them. After lunch me and my dad talked a little bit about how he has dealt with this addiction in his life and he offered some advice of things he has learned. I found them all very helpful and I found that I have even been guided to try some of those things myself.

Disconnection is one of the greatest evils in my life. I think this is true for most addicts, but since I only have lived my life, I only know about my own life! Imagine that huh? Anyway, I noticed this morning as I got up and started my day...something was just off. I wasn't sure what. Ok, maybe it was because I was just sitting on my couch watching Burn Notice...yeah, that might be part of it. However, what really makes me feel disconnected from society? Not quite sure.

For now, this is me. This is my experience. Feel free to comment on any of these posts. It can be done anonymously!

This is my daily check in and this is my reaching out to others. I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

I'm a Mormon and love it

7 days sober:

Yesterday I attended a special broadcast for the LDS Church (Mormon Church) and was totally blown away by the feelings I had while I was there. After realizing yesterday that I need to get out and talk to people more I was really excited to attend this broadcast. As the Church of Jesus Christ we as members are called to take the Lord's gospel to all the world. We are called to share this gospel with our friends and neighbors and really do our best to be good friends and neighbors to all those around us.

Also, we have missionaries who are called to preach the gospel full-time. The boys, who are called around age 18, serve a mission for 2 years and girls, who are called around age 19, serve a mission for 18 months or a year and a half. I myself served a mission when I was 19 and returned from that mission about 2 years ago. It was one of the most wonderful and hardest times of my life. I loved every minute of it though!

When I heard the message at the broadcast that members and missionaries are supposed to work together more I felt really good about that! So, in keeping with yesterday's post, I am going to go out and try to make as many friends as I can so I can share the wonderful gospel with them. Not that I am going to make friends with them just to share the gospel with them, but I am going to make friends and then share the gospel with them because I love them.

This is making me excited and I can't wait to get out and talk with people!

So, this is my daily check in and these are my hopes and dreams. I want to surround myself with those that I love...and I want to love those who are around me. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Friends are valuable...more so than gold!

6 days sober:

Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!

So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!

So, that is my experience today. Friends give me a way to focus on others...and keep my attention away from myself. I hope it won't be in a negative way, but in a way that will help me to change the way I am and a way to help me be better. Also, friends provide a nice way to satisfy my craving of wanting to be loved and accepted. This is a much healthier way than turning to Porn or Masturbation!

This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A night free from my computer

4 days sober:

Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!

I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!

I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.

I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.

This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

B.L.A.S.T. and H.A.L.T.

(My Post from yesterday)
3 days sober:

Well, I have a lot of warning signs coming at me today. I stayed up pretty late last night talking with a girl and then talking with my roommates. I then got up early to work with my dad on a business...so now I am tired. I noticed as I worked with him I was getting quite annoyed. I also noticed (with loud hints from my stomach) that I had not eaten up to that point. Hungry ... Annoyed (Angry) ... Tired ... hmmm! Sounds like H.A.L.T! That is one of the warning mechanisms that we have in SA.

What do I do now? How do I stop the slide downhill? Here's the steps I've thought of right now:

1. Call someone and let them know - if I let someone know I am having a struggle then somehow it takes a great weight off my shoulders of having to bear it alone. Also, they usually have an idea of what I can do next.
2. Take a nap - If I am tired...maybe I need to just take a 15 to 20 min nap. In the past when I have done this I have felt a lot better after doing this, and then the H in H.A.L.T. is taken care of!
3. Eat something - Its a simple matter of taking care of my body. I am hungry, so I should eat! I've been really lax in eating these last couple days because I am going into surgery in a couple days, so I have kind of built up an extended hunger period.
4. Smile - I have found this changes my attitude - even when I am tired and hungry - faster than anything else. Smiling, and doing my best to keep a positive mindset brings my spirits up and makes it a lot easier for other people to be around me.

That is what I do...I hope it helps others!

Here is a description of the acronyms:

Hungry                                                           Bored
Angry                                                             Lonely
Lonely                                                            Angry
Tired                                                               Stressed
                                                                       Tired

This is my experience today and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Mapping it all out: life, recovery, and work

2 days sober:

This morning I sat down to work on my latest work project and I realized I didn't know exactly how the process would flow and work. I knew what the different parts were, but I hadn't taken the time to sit down and write it all out. So, I did just that! I sat down, made a mind map for the process I am working on, and then identified the different parts I needed to work on.

The more I think about this, the more I notice how this can apply to life. I have certain long range goals like getting married, having kids, having enough money to be comfortable as well as help others, be faithful in my church callings, and eventually live with God again (If you have any questions about Mormon's beliefs on this I invite you to visit mormon.org and search out Eternal Life). These are my goals...but how am I going to get there? Why do I want these things? What will I do every year, month, day, in order to see these goals come to fruition?

This goes along with recovery from my addiction as well. I have a long range goal of 6 months sobriety. What am I doing today to reach that? How am I acting today that will influence what happens tomorrow? How am I taking "One day at a time," as the SA program talks about, in order to keep on track to my goal? Why do I even want this?

I need to overcome my laziness and remember the long perspective of things. One thing we talk about in my church is having an Eternal Perspective. That means we try to remember how everything in this life fits into the Plan of Happiness God has set up for us. I invite you to check out our beliefs if you don't already know what we believe. I find great comfort in the teachings of the Prophets and Apostles and I know my life is better for living the Gospel.

What a wonderful insight I had today...I am very grateful for it! I pray I will be able to get another 24 hours of sobriety and I pray my experience will help someone else. This is my daily check in. I commit to being sober for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

3 Things I am grateful for today:

1. Nature - I drove my dad and uncle up the canyon by our house this morning so that they could go on an early morning ride. As I drove I noticed the beauty of nature. I was up on a ridge for a bit and looking out across the valleys that surrounded me helped me remember that God loves me. He created this world so that we could enjoy the beauty of His creations. Well, there were a lot of other reasons as well, but that is one of them!
2. Family - My uncle is visiting the different family members around our area. While he was here it was really nice to talk with him and reconnect with him. He is a stalwart member in the Church and I really admire him. I am grateful for wonderful family and for the support and love each member gives the others around him/her.
3. Technology - This morning I am sitting on a couch, writing this...and it can be read from all over the world! How amazing is that? And what is more is people can look at this on their phones! I remember when my dad first got a cell phone...yeah, we've come a long way from that time. Also, I am working on something that will make my living (if all goes as planned) and all of it is online! Technology is amazing. I am so grateful for the people who were inspired and acted on those thoughts. Without them we would still be making cave drawings!

Dusting off and pressing on

1 day sober:

I could have titled all the posts for the last couple days that I DIDN'T write with that...1 day sober. Amazing how relieving and depressing that line is...all at the same time!

I haven't wanted to talk to anyone for the past couple days because I have been afraid they are going to judge me. I called my sponsor but he was busy and didn't answer the phone...I am wrong though. The people that I can call are really understanding.  And when I call them I can surrender the feelings I am having.

My problem? I don't open myself to others. I am stuck in a rut of calling no one when I have a problem. I am so shut off from other people that I just start downhill towards acting out and have nothing to stop me until I run off the cliff and hit the bottom. Then I stand up, dust myself off, and start climbing back up the hill...just so I can fall back down again! I need to rely on others so I can get out of my head!

So, I am going to call someone. Right after I get off this post and that will turn this destructive cycle around! I will turn myself over to the care of God and the others in my life that care about me.

I also need to keep a positive mindset. I will rely on God and let him take the wheel.

This is my daily experience...and I apologize right now about not posting over the weekend. I did not keep my commitment and will do better!

I pray I can get another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

3 Things I am grateful for today:

1. The Talents of Others - On my way down to my parents house from my apartment I listened to a book on CD. So many talents went into making that book! You have the writer, the reader, the editor, the person who wrote the CD, the packager...so many! I am grateful for their talents and for the gifts they give the world.
2. Loving Parents - As I mentioned above, I am at my parents house. They are so accepting of me and they love to have me here! I am so grateful for that. Right after I walked in the door my mom told me that there was some cereal in the pantry in case I hadn't eaten any breakfast (which I hadn't incidentally)! 
3. The Gospel of Jesus Christ - I wrote an email to one of my cousins today who is serving a mission for the LDS Church and I was amazed at how personal my feelings towards the Gospel were. I feel like my testimony of the Gospel is wavering...not because I don't feel like it is true, but because I don't do a lot to keep it alive and well. But, when I was writing the letter I bore testimony of the sanctity of missionary work and I loved the feeling I got. I know it is true and I am SO grateful for the calming influence and guiding principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Finding peace in my life is a journey

9 days sober:

First - I am SO grateful to God for giving me these 9 days of sobriety. I couldn't have done it without him supporting me every day. Thank you!

Next - I read something very inspiring this morning. It was a talk by one of the Apostles in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He talked about how we can have peace in our homes, which is something I have been searching for. Peace in my life. I think I have begun to feel it as I have come to be at peace with the struggles I have in my life. Living through my surgery, how limiting it has been - limiting me from doing the things I love such as mountain biking, skiing, swimming, running, rock climbing, hiking - this has taught me to be content with what I have in my life. Elder Scott (the Apostle) doesn't talk about this aspect of peace, but I know that God has blessed me. Here's the link to either watch the talk or read it...whatever works for you!

For Peace at Home - Elder Scott

Last night I had a very interesting experience with surrender. I was up late, I was tired, and I had forgotten to do something on my email. No one else was home in my apartment and so I was hesitant about getting on the internet. But then my mind remembered that on Netflix there was a movie that I hadn't finished...and that it was a porn movie! So, being the addict I am, I jumped onto the internet telling myself I was only going to check my email, do what I needed to, and then get off. YEAH RIGHT!! I was really getting on so that I could watch that movie...I knew that I really wanted to! I desired it so much! Well, I got on, checked my email, responded back to what I needed to, checked my facebook, checked a news site (why there would be interesting news at 1 a.m. is beyond me), and right as I was about to jump onto Netflix and watch what I knew would destroy my sobriety...my roommate walked through the front door! Yes! Someone to save me from my destruction!

As I closed down my computer and started getting ready for bed I realized that I really wanted to watch that movie and masturbate. The longing for those feelings of false connections, the physical pleasure...everything was so strong! But in the back of my mind...I'm sure its the sober part of me said, "You know you really don't want those things. You want to be clean remember? You want to have the connection with God and Jesus Christ that you haven't had for a long time!" There was a huge internal struggle going on inside my head as I got ready for bed.

As I got in my bed I realized the wanting the porn hadn't gone away yet. So, I prayed and surrendered those feelings to God. It was such an amazing feeling! I was able to sleep well and I was able to get up in the morning feeling good about myself!

This is my experience...and this is my daily check in! I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety through God's help!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Old friends and new opportunities

8 days sober:

Today has been amazing! I ran into an old friend and I had an amazing opportunity come my way...and I am just very happy today!

I got up around 7:30 this morning and studied my scriptures. This always makes my day better than it is without studying, but this morning was great! After studying I decided to go to the LDS Temple in my town. While I was in the Temple I ran into an old friend. Every time I see her I become happy, so it was great to see her! We chatted a bit after getting out of the Temple and it was just very nice to reconnect with her. It has been awhile since I saw her last.

The next highlight of my day happens to be getting an email from my choir director. She asked me to come talk to her and so I did. She was very glad to see me and I was very glad to see her, and then she mentioned that she wanted to give me a position in the choir leadership doing something that goes along perfectly with what I am learning in school! I was very excited about that...but then I realized that I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm not sure I could dedicate the time needed to that leadership position. Now my task is to hash out a rough estimate of how much time I would have available for participating in that even with all of my other engagements.

Overall, I have felt like today was a fulfilling day.  I have gotten quite a bit done for school and am about to spend some good time working. I connected with one of the guys in my SA group and I'm feeling like God has been really protecting me and helping me through the day today.

I am grateful to be alive today and I love my life.

This is my experience today, and I pray I can keep a positive mindset and get further in recovery for the next 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Genius, strength, and martial arts prowess

7 days sober: (A whole week only through God's help!)

Well, I had an interesting discussion with one of my roommates the other day: If you could have any super power which would you choose?

At first I said telekinesis because being able to move things with my mind would be AWESOME! Further on in our discussion, after being asked what the first thing would be that  I would do with my power, I realized that I actually wouldn't want telekinesis as my super power. Why would I give up something so awesome? Well, for this simple reason: I love my life. Yeah, I have hard times when I act out and whenever I can't control myself, but overall I love my life! The struggles, the happy times, the sad times, the heartache, my membership in the church, the physical side of my life; all of it is what I love and live for! So...take away that...and you take away my life!

I then had to rethink what super power I would choose...and I realized I didn't want any of them! Well, none of the super powers. I can't decide between the two qualities of super heroes that I finally narrowed my list down to. The Genius of Iron Man or the Strength and Martial Arts Prowess of Batman. Those are the two attributes I would pick!

The realization that I love my life...struggles and all...was very comforting. I realized that I find purpose in living life. I love every day and I don't want to lose that ever!

This is my daily check in...and I pray that others out there will come to accept their lives as well. I also pray for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery; for me as well as for others!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Recognizing my moods and changing them

6 days sober:

Today was a very enlightening day! I did a lot of things and got a lot accomplished...but it was also a pretty rough day for me! I should have called someone...I had that prompting several times. I ended up hanging out with my sister. She knows everything about my addiction and happens to be my best friend! So, I shared a little bit with her. Here's what I shared with her.

Ok, today...I was frustrated. I received an email from my girlfriend. After the email I felt conflicted. I have had second thoughts in the past two days about waiting for her while she is on her mission. After reading the email I realized that I still like her...I am just frustrated that I don't really have any close range goals for the next 18 (almost 17 months). I want to date others...but I also feel like I need to let her know that I will be doing that. I guess she did give me permission.

I am still going to date other people. I am going to let her know that I am not sitting around for the next year and a half. But...I also want to remember her and still write her. So...I will write her and let people know I am waiting for a missionary, but I will also go on dates and such!

The other thing I have been thinking of is that I might need some time to just recover. No drama, no close possible stimulation...just simple life. Day-to-day living of working, eating, sleeping (I guess that is night-to-night...), and more working.

I really need to work on my recovery though! I wrote up a list of bottom-lines and now I need to keep them. I wish I lived on my own so that I could pin them up somewhere, but I guess I have to do what I can with what I have. I will post them on the main screen of my computer!

Well, it is time for me to get to bed. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! I would love to hear from you! This is my daily blog...and this is my experience. I was pretty down today, but talking through my thoughts with someone really helped me get back up! I pray for another 24 hours!

Thoughts from a Sunday morning

5 days sober:

This morning I had some wonderful thoughts about obedience. I wrote them down so that I could remember them.

"Keeping a commandment acts as a gateway to keeping the next commandment. The opposite is true as well. Breaking a rule or commandment leads to breaking other commandments. What we choose empowers us to continue along the path we just chose."

 A very interesting idea that what we do empowers us to continue along that path. If I choose to think about a girl in a lustful way then that will open the path to eventually acting out in my addiction. Also, if I start my day right, thinking about recovery or about God then I will be given strength to resist the temptations that might come at me throughout the day. I am grateful that God has given me that ability.

This is my daily check in and my experience from today. I pray for another 24 hours! One day at a time!

-Grateful and Hopeful

New opportunities

4 days sober:

I am confused. I know that my girlfriend loves me, and yet I have a hard time remembering that. She is gone...and before she left we never really resolved the whole "you don't speak my love language" thing. So...I'm conflicted. I want to give her a chance, but I also know that I can't spend a year and a half just sitting around, getting upset at the way that she is. There are a couple girls around me that I would be interested in, but I'm not sure if it is rebound or real interest. I'm sure the addict in me is looking at the new girls as new opportunities.

When I was sitting next to a girl tonight while watching a movie, I had the thought that I just wanted to make out with her. I know that I shouldn't, but I also know that she would be up for it. I thought about it seriously enough that my heart started beating and I started getting nervous. I feel bad because I am not being "faithful" to my girlfriend, but I also don't know how I should be acting towards her.

I am going to pray about it and make sure I seek the Lord's direction on what would be best for me as a Recovering Addict. Should I take some time off from girls in order to focus on recovery? Maybe...I'm just not sure!

This is my daily conflictions (that's not even a word!)...and I hope I can get another 24 hours of sobriety! Only God can make it happen!

-Grateful and Hopeful

My cravings and the concept of key habits

1 day sober:

I am SO tired of writing that! But I guess it is as my sponsor says, "Did you learn something?" I did learn something from this relapse of acting out. I am learning my patterns as well as learning what my cravings are. That brings me to what I promised I would write about today!

Cravings
In Duhigg's book The Power of Habit, he outlines what researchers are now finding is at the center of a habit. Kind of driving the habit forward...ya know? That is the craving that you associate with that habit. Kind of what emotional (or physical or social or spiritual...etc.) needs you are fulfilling by doing that habit. Duhigg says that if you identify the craving then you can change a habit by meeting the craving but changing the routine (what physical actions the habit involves). I have been trying to figure out what cravings are involved in my habits in my sexual addiction. So far, I have really only thought of one: the craving to feel loved/accepted.

Tonight is an interesting case for me. I am on my laptop writing this blog post and I am alone in the front room of my apartment. Normally, this late at night, I would be jumping onto a porn video site, watching a bit of pornography, and then going and masturbating. Tonight I don't want to. Is it because I just found out that my roommates best friend just died? Maybe...or could it be that I hung out with a couple of guys that I feel totally comfortable around (they are a bunch of guys from my SA group) and therefore fulfilled my need for love and acceptance for the night? Or is it because I surrendered my resentment that I have been holding towards my girlfriend for not being as affectionate as I would like? I just don't know.

Key Habits
The concept of key habits is that there are some habits which, if changed, slowly leak change into every other part of your life. For some it is as simple as making their bed in the morning. This will have them soon following their budget better as well as other things in their life.

I want to identify some key habits for me so I can make some great changes in all aspects of my life. I wonder if reading the Book of Mormon will be one of those key habits? Once again...I'm at a loss for sure knowledge!

SO...those are things I have been learning from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. I feel like they are things that I can apply into my recovery...kind of meshing it into my step work.

Tomorrow I will write about the revelations I had today while in my SA group meeting. Very enlightening!

This is my daily check in and this is my experience and thoughts today. I pray I can get another 24 hours under my belt!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Cars and love

4 days sober: (This feels like such an accomplishment right now! Hard to believe I once had 47 days of sobriety...)

Today was...interesting. It was great, and I got a lot done on my car as well as on goals, but I also got pretty frustrated too. I am in the middle of starting a company and I was a little unclear on some of the details, and I also had some pretty interesting dreams last night.

I'm gonna start with what is related to the dreams. Yesterday I finished off the day by watching Failure to Launch and at the end had the overwhelming desire to be with my girlfriend again. The only problem was that I also was harboring (and still am) some resentment against her for not changing right away and showing me the love that she says she has. At the end of Failure to Launch the girl in the movie is really cute, flirty, and fun...and seeing that made me want that in my life. Ya know...the kind of girl that would chase after me if I ever started to leave. The kind of girl that would be willing to do anything for me. Maybe I have the desire to have a girl like that because I know that I am not that way and want to be for a girl? I just don't know. Anyway...today I was resenting my girlfriend for going on a mission and not for being here trying to fix the 'not loving me enough' problem that I had before she left.

Now onto the frustration stemming from starting a company. I am working with another partner on this project. He is writing all of the documents for the company and I am creating the website. There are certain requirements, products, and aspects that are involved in this. I have NO clue how to build websites...and I'm tackling this! Ha ha, yeah, I'm insane...I know! That's part of Steps 1 and 2...right? Of course I am! Anyway, I was unclear on some things, don't know how to do some others (I haven't been willing to take the time to really learn all the aspects of the things I don't know), and was just getting VERY frustrated. So, I took some time to hash out some details that I didn't know as well as set some goals for this month. Very relaxing! I also committed myself to really sit down and read what I need to!

The cars part of the title comes from the part of my day where I fixed my car! I drove today for the first time in 14 1/2 weeks! Yay!!

This is not my car...but I would love to work on an old car such as this!

I read part of The Power of Habit again today...such an amazing book! I will blog about cravings and key habits tomorrow!

This is my daily check in and this is my daily experience! I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Keeping commitments

3 days sober:

Well, today I am keeping commitments! I know that sound super elementary, but its true! This morning I made a commitment to call a guy from my SA group. I almost forgot about it, but then I decided that now was better than never! He ended up not answering, but just calling him broke the boredness that was plaguing me. So, it works! And its wonderful!

I'm reading The Power of Habit right now and I'm learning a ton! I just read about how the propellant for habits is actually the craving that we associate with the habit. Wonderful information! So...now I just need to figure out what the craving is that is at the core of all of my addiction habits. I think one of the cravings is the feel of the release when masturbating. As I think back...that seems to be what my mind is searching for. How can I replace that? Maybe get a craving for the sense of accomplishment that comes from resisting a temptation? Just an idea!

Well, those have been my thoughts so far today...and this is my daily check in! I pray for all those who still suffer from an addiction. I pray that they will be able to find the help they need. And I pray that I will be able to be sober for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Feeling loved

2 days sober:

So, I relapsed again on Friday...I was home alone and there were some girls not wearing very much clothing down by the pool in front of my apartment. Yeah, that is always a bad combination for me. I might have to end up staying up on my school's campus all day so that I don't see them! Ugh...I hate it when things around me go wrong and its not really something I can control! I guess that is life though...right?

Anyway...the point of the title of this post is that I had someone from the group call me today! It was very nice to have someone call and express concern about my recovery! The guy that called me was there when I gave my First Step Inventory and it was great to hear from him. I really need to reach out to people more...I'm doing a huge disservice to myself when I don't!

So, my goal for this week is to call a different person from my group every day this week. I'll report about it on here!

Aaaannnnddd...this is my experience! I am checking in today and I hope and pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Stay Strong

1 day sober:

When I served a mission for the LDS Church, I ended each weekly email home with the words Stay Strong. Lately I've been thinking about what I mean when I say that. What does it mean to stay strong? (If you have any ideas I'd love to hear about them!) Well, in thinking about it I have come up with a couple things I feel like I mean when I say this to someone else. (I will write these in the "I" form since I expect myself to do these things before I can give them to someone else)

1. Stay committed - if I have a task ahead of me...I will not back down! I will stay committed and see it through to the end!
2. Stay true to yourself - the worst thing anyone can do is lie to themselves. If I lie to myself then I know there is something seriously wrong! I will stay true to myself and accept who I am. God does, so I should too!
3. Stay honest - honesty is something that can be scarce these days. Not that I am that old...I'm 23. I am still old enough to know that honesty is always the best policy! Especially for addicts. It is only through full honesty that I can recover. Nothing else will work for me!
4. Stay diligent - somewhat similar to staying committed, but diligence implies that I am careful and thorough in what I am doing. Whatever I do do...I do it well!
5. Stay dedicated - once I choose a course, I will stay on it no matter what!
6. Stay virtuous - the morals that I live according to in my life dictate what I do and how I treat people. As long as I have high morals...I will regret very few things.

In a nutshell I guess I mean to say that I can never let my guard down. That is what it means to stay strong. I am in a battle against Satan...and so far I am not doing very well!

In my White Book study today I read,

 "Awareness of the unmanageability of our lives was not apparent to us at first. But as we recovered from shock and spiritual blindness, we began to see how we were unable to function without lust, negative attitudes, and dependencies holding us together."

Now...I read that and I had these thoughts. When does the recovery mentioned here start? Does it only come through a certain length of sobriety or does it start the minute I decide to fight this addiction? Does it happen when I decide to start surrendering?

If anyone reading this has any insights, please share them with me.

This is my daily check in, and this is me committing to another 24 hours! Stay Strong!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Relapse again

40 min sober:

Yes, I acted out tonight. I got done watching The Fast and The Furious, jumped on Facebook, saw a picture of a naked girl coming out of the water (she was far enough out of the water to see most of her breast, but not far enough to see the nipple...you know, really teasingly close? Just far enough to imagine that she had no clothes on. Yeah, that much) and that set me off. So, I jumped to a protected browser, found a video that I wanted to watch and started watching it. I then got up and went to the bathroom to masturbate. End of story.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why can't I simple embrace the life of peace and harmony? What is the reward I am looking for? My life really is out of control. I can't stand this up and down...this path of hope and dreams, and then slamming back down to the bottom of a canyon. As I sat here thinking about what to do...and what I did, I realized that I really have been slack on the things I know I should be doing each day.

• Calling my Accountability Partner each day to report is KEY! How can I make sure that I do this? Set an alarm for the time when I should be calling him? Maybe that would work...I just don't know! It's worth a shot!
• Studying recovery material...gotta do it! I have not studied recovery material for awhile now...I don't even remember when the last time was that I picked up the White Book and studied it. Or read it...
• Calling and talking to my Sponsor. I just don't talk to him and I should. I really need to so that I can keep my humility. Without calling and talking to him I am isolating myself and setting up for another fall.
• Not using my computer alone in my room. I used the excuse of not wanting to bother my roommate who was studying...I used that for being in my room with my computer alone. With the lights off. Facing away from the door. Yeah, all of those scream out, "Hey stupid! Just jump on the internet and look up stuff that makes you feel good for a couple minutes but will ultimately destroy your soul!" Its that kind of stuff that I just am smart enough to be dumb about.

Well, another start on the 1 year of sobriety before my girlfriend gets home! Let's go!

Oh, I guess one bright point in today is that I got my copy of The Power of Habit! Yay! Now I can read about how to pinpoint exactly what I am looking for in my reward! Ultimately the only one that can really tell me is my Heavenly Father though...without God I am nothing and I know nothing.

This is my experience today...and I hope and pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Day Reading

12 days sober:

Today was a very interesting day...I spent basically the whole day reading. I am on vacation with my family, and we spent most of the day in cars driving around looking at scenery. I am reading the Wheel of Time series right now and actually just finished the eleventh book today! So, I only have 3 more left until I get to the end of the series. That isn't what I want to write about!

How did I feel today after reading all day? Unfulfilled. I felt like I should have been enjoying the scenery with my family instead of sticking my nose in a book all day. We drove through some wonderful country today and I missed almost all of it because I was so involved in my book! (it was a great book in my defense) I'm nervous because I isolated myself all day and with that isolation comes a feeling of being unloved. Feeling unloved is what sometimes sets me right on the edge...ready to fall over and act out! So...I need to make sure I get some good rest tonight so that I can focus on being around others tomorrow and on building my relationship with my Heavenly Father (God) a bit more. Tomorrow is the Sabbath and I want to spend the whole day worshiping Him. It is His day after-all.

So...what is the take away? Know what you are feeling. Learn to recognize the feelings you are having and learn to analyze your situation. Once you understand more of what brings you to the edge of acting out, then you'll be able to start watching out for those situations/moods/feelings. But, that is like plucking leaves off a tree and saying you are cutting it down. The real heart of my problem is the reward I am looking for. The one I haven't identified yet and that I am searching for. I don't know what drives me to watch others having sex and then imagining myself having sex with someone while masturbating. (Sorry for the graphic content) This is something I will be pondering tomorrow. I have a couple ideas, but I really want to spend some time in conversation with God in order to really discern why I do what I do.

This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Deviance

11 days sober:

From my 'deviance' last night, today I was plagued by a lot of different thoughts and temptations. Definitely one of the harder days. I haven't found an answer of how to get around that except for...rely on God. He can fix it all!

This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Fables

10 days sober:

Well, I just had a close call! I looked up some things on the internet and...well, I didn't end up finding anything related to that topic (videos or pictures of porn so that I could masturbate to something). So, I technically still have my sobriety, but I don't feel super recovered.

On that note, one thing I realized today was that...with God anything is possible. With God I can wait 18 months for the girl of my dreams to return. On my own I will lose sight of what I was waiting for, I will let my hormones take over, I will go out and find girls that are loose with themselves and willing to open up...there are a lot of things I could do. But, I am not going to!

With God I can recover. Tonight I pushed the line and I am still in danger of it...but the minute I reached out to God after looking at the stories of people online I was comforted and strengthened. Not really anything spectacular...at least in this instance, but it was just a little bit of strength. Kind of God saying to me, "I'm here for you if you want to turn to me and let me help you." Very reassuring!

With God I can learn the things I want to know and experience the things I want to experience. I want to gain a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ...gain such a testimony that I won't be shaken. I want to experience what it means to have my foundation based on the rock of my Redeemer. What does that feel like? 

Some of the things I read tonight were disturbing and got me thinking a bit...and not about things that would be beneficial to my spirituality. Why does it seem like everyone who is out there is having a lot of fun? Why does it seem like those who have sex and just party around are having a lot of fun? My hormones (my body) yearn for that kind of release and fun...but I have to remember that I am not down here on earth to let my physical body run the show. I am here so that my spiritual body, my spirit, can learn how to utilize and control my physical body.

I would love to answer the ads on Craigslist and have sex with women every night. I would probably get really messed up too! I know that isn't really what I want though. Any time I have gotten close to having sex with a girl (yes, it felt wonderful and I wanted to go further all the time) the pain that followed was so much that it made me not want that for a brief time.

"I'm now to the point that I'm not willing to trade a moment of pleasure for a lot of pain." - SA Sponsor

One of the things I am afraid of now is of what my mindset with be like when I get married. Will I be ok with having sex with my wife? What kinds of sex are ok? Is it ok for her to stimulate me? Is it ok for me to stimulate her? These are questions I have that I have no clue how to get answers to. I am scared that I will be repulsed by having sex with my wife and that I will be messed up for a long time to come!

Well this is my daily check in...and this is my experience. If you have any answers for me, please be judicious about it! I hope and pray I can make it another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Impressions While Studying

9 days sober:

Yesterday evening I was studying one of the talks from the LDS General Conference that was given this last April. The talk I studied was titled The Savior wants to forgive. As I studied I had comfort wash over me and I had the feeling that I can be forgiven for the things I have done. Now, you can call me a religious freak, but I believe in God and I believe in His son Jesus Christ.

The impressions I felt communicated to me that I could be forgiven of the things I've done. One of the keys to recovery is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ as much as I can. And be honest with myself when doing this.

This is my goal, my daily check in, and my experience. This is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Finding Motivation

8 days sober:

I have not had a lot of motivation to do anything today. I have a need to work on the website for the business I am starting with my dad, but I just realized that I do not have any specific goals for today! Also, since I miss my girlfriend so much, I have been feeling really down today. I miss her...but there isn't anything I can do about that! I need to smile!

So, my plan for getting a bit more motivation to be happy, have fun, and to get things done today? Smile as much as I can, and set goals for what I want to have happen.

So, I am deciding right now to be happy and to smile! Today is a good day because I am alive! One inspiration for this is a recent post by Leo Babauta:

 Smile

Read it and practice it!

This is my daily check in and this is my experience. With that I'll take another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Goals in Recovery

7 days sober:

Well, I said goodbye to my girlfriend yesterday for 18 months! She is leaving on a mission for the LDS Church and will be gone for 18 months! She mentioned that really the only thing that scares her about coming home is what will happen if I am not in a 6 month or more period of recovery. She mentioned how she didn't think she would be willing to be patient and willing to wait for me to recover more so that we could get married.

When I first heard that I started to get offended, and even now, writing it down makes me want to get mad, but then I realized that what she expressed is a totally normal concern! Especially for her! If I am not able to get my recovery down to where I am having at least 6 month periods of recovery...what is the guarantee that I would ever really be able to recover?

So, the title of this post: Goals in Recovery. I decided to make a goal for the length of sobriety I will have by the time she gets home. One Year. That is my goal, and now that gives me something to work towards! Not that I can play around until it is one year before she gets home, but I feel like the 6 months buffer-time (in which i would love to have 6 more months of recovery tacked onto the year) will be the time to strengthen and establish the habits of recovery I will need.

There is one more thing I think will help me to not slip up. Thinking of how crushed my girlfriend would be if she knew what I was doing.  This video is a wonderful talk by an Apostle of God about this, and I love how he puts this idea. Thinking of your mother, or your significant other...thinking of how crushed they would be if you were to mess up. I hope this, along with my dailies (daily's?) and weeklies (weekly's?) will help me to stay in recovery...I just need to get those habits down!

Video

I love my girlfriend and I am going to miss her. But, my recovery cannot only be for her. I need to do this for myself and with my Heavenly Father. No-one else can give me the help and strength I need in order to overcome this addiction! I know that and I hope i can be humble enough to rely on Him and His Son, Jesus Christ!

This is my thoughts today...and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

My Best Recovery

1 day sober:

Yeah, I messed up last night. I talked on the phone late with my girlfriend, then when I got off the phone I realized I hadn't posted on here yet, so I decided to jump on the internet. I was the only person up in my apartment, the blinds were closed on the window, and it was late. I was tired. I tried to get on to write the post (and somewhere in the back of my mind I was like, hmm...I wonder if they have videos of such-and-such online. Of course they do! It's the freakin' internet!) but the internet wasn't working. So, I worked with it to get it working. I kept telling myself that I was working so hard on it for about 30 minutes so that I could get on and write my recovery post, but come on. I didn't have that much drive to write the post...I was wrestling with the internet so that I could jump on and look at porn!

I eventually got the internet working...and the first thing I did was open up a tracking-free window and look up what I was thinking about. Of course they had videos of that...and of course once I saw that they did I had to watch it! Such a stupid rationalization! "Oh, I'll just jump on and see if they have videos of this...not that I'm going to watch it, I just want to know!" Yeah right, they should give tickets for lying to yourself.

Anyway...I ended up looking at some porn and masturbating...it made me feel like such a low-down jerk. I didn't even end up writing the post either! When I got up this morning I realized I was scared to tell my girlfriend, my accountability partner, and my sponsor. I was scared that they would try to shame me even more than I already have myself, and also I was afraid that my girlfriend would get angry and not talk to me. She has every right to, I just get afraid that she is going to. So far I have told the first two (backwards, I know) and I am planning on calling my sponsor right after I finish this post. And my girlfriend actually took it pretty well! I was surprised! Pleasantly!

As I honestly looked at myself...I realized that 1) I cannot control this addiction as much as I try...I really do have to give everything over to God, and 2) I have not been doing my best. I have been slacking on my dailies (daily's?). I have been taking street drinks...looking at girls that are around me that are slightly immodest, and that has been killing me!

So, new resolve to work hard each day on material for me and my dad's business and to really put my whole heart and soul into my recovery. I am going to make it to 3 meetings a week. I have decided!

This is my daily check-in and my experience. I hope I can get another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Designing Websites

8 days sober:

Just right off the bat let me make one thing clear - I am NOT a website designer! I am trying to get into Marketing, and website designing has never been my forte. But, I'm seeing if I can get a website designed for my dad by next monday...and it is going to be a bit of a stretch! We'll see though!

Anyway...why am I blogging about this on an addiction recovery blog? Because it is making me frustrated and I am tired! I realize now that I get tired a lot...I stepped over some lines this morning and so my head has been buzzing all day with ideas of how to lose my sobriety. That makes it hard to concentrate on things around you. So, goal for tomorrow! Work really hard on the website and make up for time I didn't work on it today!

So, in order to keep myself clean I am going to take a drive up the canyon on my scooter! That'll keep me busy and maybe put me back in touch with God...I really need to connect with Him today. So, the other thing I will do is read my scriptures for 10 minutes when I get home!

This is my daily check-in and this is my experience! I hope I can get another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Tired in Recovery

7 days sober:

Today I realized that I am very tired...not tired of recovery, but of other things. As we all know, well, all recovering addicts, H.A.L.T. or B.L.A.S.T. are acronyms that are warnings as to the mental or physical states to avoid or that are dangerous and usually end up in you losing your sobriety.

H - hungry
A - angry
L - lonely
T - tired

B - bored
L - lonely
A - angry
S - stressed
T - tired

Like I said I am tired. This is dangerous and I don't want to be in this state of mind. What am I tired of? One, I am tired physically. Two, I am tired of being a gimp (I had surgery almost 12 weeks ago and have been in a cast ever since). Three, I am tired of not being thought of or of not being loved.

The physical part comes from just having a long day playing with my nieces. It was so much fun! One of the twins even played with me! They have been so clingy to their mom that I haven't ever really gotten a chance to play with them. So, this one will get fixed through getting sleep tonight! I can't wait!

Tired of being a gimp: this isn't really going to go away. This is one that I am going to have to just accept and get over. I am very grateful for this surgery and for the possibilities that it is going to open up to me...I just have a hard time in the moment. Especially when physical activities like running, biking, and working out are ways that I deal with #3...

Tired of not being thought of or loved (from what I can see): I just read a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Wonderful book! I read this book because I have been struggling feeling the love of my girlfriend. I didn't know if I wasn't recognizing when she was showing me love or if she was at all...I tended to jump to the second conclusion. So, after reading this book, I realized that she just hasn't been showing love to me in the way that I primarily recognize it. I wanted so much to share with her what the best way to show me love would be...but she is leaving me for 18 months for an LDS mission. So I have to accept that she is going to need to concentrate on her mission and not me. That will be hard to accept, but as soon as I do, then I will be in a lot better position to continue my recovery.

This is my experience and this is my daily check in! I'm praying for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful