4 days sober:
I messed up Monday. I jumped on Netflix, watched a movie I have watched in the past for getting my drug, went and masturbated...and then I felt awful! I was at 7 days and in 15 minutes I blew that streak. Not that I am upset about the number of days per say, but I am upset that I blew away the peace that has been on my mind. That peace comes for me when I have good recovery...and usually it takes about 7 days of sobriety to get good recovery. I've often heard SA members say that recovery is all about quality, not quantity. I try to keep that in mind as I go through my ups and downs. It feels like my 47 days of sobriety was a dream. I can't imagine having that much right now!
Now I am feeling almost like I was on Monday. Well, before my slip-up. I feel hopeful, grateful, connected in a small way with God...and its wonderful! I am loving it! Why do I feel this way? What makes the difference?
Prayer
I have really been reaching out to God for the last couple days, pleading with my Father in Heaven to lift me and strengthen me. I believe He can do it. I want Him to do it. I want to turn my every thought and action into whatever He wants them to be. My honest conversations with Him have made the difference the last couple days. At least, that is what I believe is happening and helping.
Also, yesterday I went to lunch with my dad and one of his old business friends. That was very fun and I loved being with them. After lunch me and my dad talked a little bit about how he has dealt with this addiction in his life and he offered some advice of things he has learned. I found them all very helpful and I found that I have even been guided to try some of those things myself.
Disconnection is one of the greatest evils in my life. I think this is true for most addicts, but since I only have lived my life, I only know about my own life! Imagine that huh? Anyway, I noticed this morning as I got up and started my day...something was just off. I wasn't sure what. Ok, maybe it was because I was just sitting on my couch watching Burn Notice...yeah, that might be part of it. However, what really makes me feel disconnected from society? Not quite sure.
For now, this is me. This is my experience. Feel free to comment on any of these posts. It can be done anonymously!
This is my daily check in and this is my reaching out to others. I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
I'm a Mormon and love it
7 days sober:
Yesterday I attended a special broadcast for the LDS Church (Mormon Church) and was totally blown away by the feelings I had while I was there. After realizing yesterday that I need to get out and talk to people more I was really excited to attend this broadcast. As the Church of Jesus Christ we as members are called to take the Lord's gospel to all the world. We are called to share this gospel with our friends and neighbors and really do our best to be good friends and neighbors to all those around us.
Also, we have missionaries who are called to preach the gospel full-time. The boys, who are called around age 18, serve a mission for 2 years and girls, who are called around age 19, serve a mission for 18 months or a year and a half. I myself served a mission when I was 19 and returned from that mission about 2 years ago. It was one of the most wonderful and hardest times of my life. I loved every minute of it though!
When I heard the message at the broadcast that members and missionaries are supposed to work together more I felt really good about that! So, in keeping with yesterday's post, I am going to go out and try to make as many friends as I can so I can share the wonderful gospel with them. Not that I am going to make friends with them just to share the gospel with them, but I am going to make friends and then share the gospel with them because I love them.
This is making me excited and I can't wait to get out and talk with people!
So, this is my daily check in and these are my hopes and dreams. I want to surround myself with those that I love...and I want to love those who are around me. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday I attended a special broadcast for the LDS Church (Mormon Church) and was totally blown away by the feelings I had while I was there. After realizing yesterday that I need to get out and talk to people more I was really excited to attend this broadcast. As the Church of Jesus Christ we as members are called to take the Lord's gospel to all the world. We are called to share this gospel with our friends and neighbors and really do our best to be good friends and neighbors to all those around us.
Also, we have missionaries who are called to preach the gospel full-time. The boys, who are called around age 18, serve a mission for 2 years and girls, who are called around age 19, serve a mission for 18 months or a year and a half. I myself served a mission when I was 19 and returned from that mission about 2 years ago. It was one of the most wonderful and hardest times of my life. I loved every minute of it though!
This is making me excited and I can't wait to get out and talk with people!
So, this is my daily check in and these are my hopes and dreams. I want to surround myself with those that I love...and I want to love those who are around me. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Friends are valuable...more so than gold!
6 days sober:
Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!
So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!
So, that is my experience today. Friends give me a way to focus on others...and keep my attention away from myself. I hope it won't be in a negative way, but in a way that will help me to change the way I am and a way to help me be better. Also, friends provide a nice way to satisfy my craving of wanting to be loved and accepted. This is a much healthier way than turning to Porn or Masturbation!
This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!
So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!
This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Friday, June 21, 2013
A night free from my computer
4 days sober:
Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!
I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!
I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.
I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.
This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!
I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!
I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.
I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.
This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
B.L.A.S.T. and H.A.L.T.
(My Post from yesterday)
3 days sober:
Well, I have a lot of warning signs coming at me today. I stayed up pretty late last night talking with a girl and then talking with my roommates. I then got up early to work with my dad on a business...so now I am tired. I noticed as I worked with him I was getting quite annoyed. I also noticed (with loud hints from my stomach) that I had not eaten up to that point. Hungry ... Annoyed (Angry) ... Tired ... hmmm! Sounds like H.A.L.T! That is one of the warning mechanisms that we have in SA.
What do I do now? How do I stop the slide downhill? Here's the steps I've thought of right now:
Here is a description of the acronyms:
Hungry Bored
Angry Lonely
Lonely Angry
Tired Stressed
Tired
This is my experience today and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 days sober:
Well, I have a lot of warning signs coming at me today. I stayed up pretty late last night talking with a girl and then talking with my roommates. I then got up early to work with my dad on a business...so now I am tired. I noticed as I worked with him I was getting quite annoyed. I also noticed (with loud hints from my stomach) that I had not eaten up to that point. Hungry ... Annoyed (Angry) ... Tired ... hmmm! Sounds like H.A.L.T! That is one of the warning mechanisms that we have in SA.
What do I do now? How do I stop the slide downhill? Here's the steps I've thought of right now:
- Call someone and let them know - if I let someone know I am having a struggle then somehow it takes a great weight off my shoulders of having to bear it alone. Also, they usually have an idea of what I can do next.
- Take a nap - If I am tired...maybe I need to just take a 15 to 20 min nap. In the past when I have done this I have felt a lot better after doing this, and then the H in H.A.L.T. is taken care of!
- Eat something - Its a simple matter of taking care of my body. I am hungry, so I should eat! I've been really lax in eating these last couple days because I am going into surgery in a couple days, so I have kind of built up an extended hunger period.
- Smile - I have found this changes my attitude - even when I am tired and hungry - faster than anything else. Smiling, and doing my best to keep a positive mindset brings my spirits up and makes it a lot easier for other people to be around me.
Here is a description of the acronyms:
Hungry Bored
Angry Lonely
Lonely Angry
Tired Stressed
Tired
This is my experience today and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Mapping it all out: life, recovery, and work
2 days sober:
This morning I sat down to work on my latest work project and I realized I didn't know exactly how the process would flow and work. I knew what the different parts were, but I hadn't taken the time to sit down and write it all out. So, I did just that! I sat down, made a mind map for the process I am working on, and then identified the different parts I needed to work on.
The more I think about this, the more I notice how this can apply to life. I have certain long range goals like getting married, having kids, having enough money to be comfortable as well as help others, be faithful in my church callings, and eventually live with God again (If you have any questions about Mormon's beliefs on this I invite you to visit mormon.org and search out Eternal Life). These are my goals...but how am I going to get there? Why do I want these things? What will I do every year, month, day, in order to see these goals come to fruition?
This goes along with recovery from my addiction as well. I have a long range goal of 6 months sobriety. What am I doing today to reach that? How am I acting today that will influence what happens tomorrow? How am I taking "One day at a time," as the SA program talks about, in order to keep on track to my goal? Why do I even want this?
I need to overcome my laziness and remember the long perspective of things. One thing we talk about in my church is having an Eternal Perspective. That means we try to remember how everything in this life fits into the Plan of Happiness God has set up for us. I invite you to check out our beliefs if you don't already know what we believe. I find great comfort in the teachings of the Prophets and Apostles and I know my life is better for living the Gospel.
What a wonderful insight I had today...I am very grateful for it! I pray I will be able to get another 24 hours of sobriety and I pray my experience will help someone else. This is my daily check in. I commit to being sober for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 Things I am grateful for today:
This morning I sat down to work on my latest work project and I realized I didn't know exactly how the process would flow and work. I knew what the different parts were, but I hadn't taken the time to sit down and write it all out. So, I did just that! I sat down, made a mind map for the process I am working on, and then identified the different parts I needed to work on.
This goes along with recovery from my addiction as well. I have a long range goal of 6 months sobriety. What am I doing today to reach that? How am I acting today that will influence what happens tomorrow? How am I taking "One day at a time," as the SA program talks about, in order to keep on track to my goal? Why do I even want this?
I need to overcome my laziness and remember the long perspective of things. One thing we talk about in my church is having an Eternal Perspective. That means we try to remember how everything in this life fits into the Plan of Happiness God has set up for us. I invite you to check out our beliefs if you don't already know what we believe. I find great comfort in the teachings of the Prophets and Apostles and I know my life is better for living the Gospel.
What a wonderful insight I had today...I am very grateful for it! I pray I will be able to get another 24 hours of sobriety and I pray my experience will help someone else. This is my daily check in. I commit to being sober for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 Things I am grateful for today:
- Nature - I drove my dad and uncle up the canyon by our house this morning so that they could go on an early morning ride. As I drove I noticed the beauty of nature. I was up on a ridge for a bit and looking out across the valleys that surrounded me helped me remember that God loves me. He created this world so that we could enjoy the beauty of His creations. Well, there were a lot of other reasons as well, but that is one of them!
- Family - My uncle is visiting the different family members around our area. While he was here it was really nice to talk with him and reconnect with him. He is a stalwart member in the Church and I really admire him. I am grateful for wonderful family and for the support and love each member gives the others around him/her.
- Technology - This morning I am sitting on a couch, writing this...and it can be read from all over the world! How amazing is that? And what is more is people can look at this on their phones! I remember when my dad first got a cell phone...yeah, we've come a long way from that time. Also, I am working on something that will make my living (if all goes as planned) and all of it is online! Technology is amazing. I am so grateful for the people who were inspired and acted on those thoughts. Without them we would still be making cave drawings!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Dusting off and pressing on
1 day sober:
I could have titled all the posts for the last couple days that I DIDN'T write with that...1 day sober. Amazing how relieving and depressing that line is...all at the same time!
I haven't wanted to talk to anyone for the past couple days because I have been afraid they are going to judge me. I called my sponsor but he was busy and didn't answer the phone...I am wrong though. The people that I can call are really understanding. And when I call them I can surrender the feelings I am having.
My problem? I don't open myself to others. I am stuck in a rut of calling no one when I have a problem. I am so shut off from other people that I just start downhill towards acting out and have nothing to stop me until I run off the cliff and hit the bottom. Then I stand up, dust myself off, and start climbing back up the hill...just so I can fall back down again! I need to rely on others so I can get out of my head!
So, I am going to call someone. Right after I get off this post and that will turn this destructive cycle around! I will turn myself over to the care of God and the others in my life that care about me.
I also need to keep a positive mindset. I will rely on God and let him take the wheel.
This is my daily experience...and I apologize right now about not posting over the weekend. I did not keep my commitment and will do better!
I pray I can get another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 Things I am grateful for today:
I could have titled all the posts for the last couple days that I DIDN'T write with that...1 day sober. Amazing how relieving and depressing that line is...all at the same time!
I haven't wanted to talk to anyone for the past couple days because I have been afraid they are going to judge me. I called my sponsor but he was busy and didn't answer the phone...I am wrong though. The people that I can call are really understanding. And when I call them I can surrender the feelings I am having.
My problem? I don't open myself to others. I am stuck in a rut of calling no one when I have a problem. I am so shut off from other people that I just start downhill towards acting out and have nothing to stop me until I run off the cliff and hit the bottom. Then I stand up, dust myself off, and start climbing back up the hill...just so I can fall back down again! I need to rely on others so I can get out of my head!
So, I am going to call someone. Right after I get off this post and that will turn this destructive cycle around! I will turn myself over to the care of God and the others in my life that care about me.
I also need to keep a positive mindset. I will rely on God and let him take the wheel.
This is my daily experience...and I apologize right now about not posting over the weekend. I did not keep my commitment and will do better!
I pray I can get another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 Things I am grateful for today:
- The Talents of Others - On my way down to my parents house from my apartment I listened to a book on CD. So many talents went into making that book! You have the writer, the reader, the editor, the person who wrote the CD, the packager...so many! I am grateful for their talents and for the gifts they give the world.
- Loving Parents - As I mentioned above, I am at my parents house. They are so accepting of me and they love to have me here! I am so grateful for that. Right after I walked in the door my mom told me that there was some cereal in the pantry in case I hadn't eaten any breakfast (which I hadn't incidentally)!
- The Gospel of Jesus Christ - I wrote an email to one of my cousins today who is serving a mission for the LDS Church and I was amazed at how personal my feelings towards the Gospel were. I feel like my testimony of the Gospel is wavering...not because I don't feel like it is true, but because I don't do a lot to keep it alive and well. But, when I was writing the letter I bore testimony of the sanctity of missionary work and I loved the feeling I got. I know it is true and I am SO grateful for the calming influence and guiding principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Finding peace in my life is a journey
9 days sober:
First - I am SO grateful to God for giving me these 9 days of sobriety. I couldn't have done it without him supporting me every day. Thank you!
Next - I read something very inspiring this morning. It was a talk by one of the Apostles in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He talked about how we can have peace in our homes, which is something I have been searching for. Peace in my life. I think I have begun to feel it as I have come to be at peace with the struggles I have in my life. Living through my surgery, how limiting it has been - limiting me from doing the things I love such as mountain biking, skiing, swimming, running, rock climbing, hiking - this has taught me to be content with what I have in my life. Elder Scott (the Apostle) doesn't talk about this aspect of peace, but I know that God has blessed me. Here's the link to either watch the talk or read it...whatever works for you!
For Peace at Home - Elder Scott
Last night I had a very interesting experience with surrender. I was up late, I was tired, and I had forgotten to do something on my email. No one else was home in my apartment and so I was hesitant about getting on the internet. But then my mind remembered that on Netflix there was a movie that I hadn't finished...and that it was a porn movie! So, being the addict I am, I jumped onto the internet telling myself I was only going to check my email, do what I needed to, and then get off. YEAH RIGHT!! I was really getting on so that I could watch that movie...I knew that I really wanted to! I desired it so much! Well, I got on, checked my email, responded back to what I needed to, checked my facebook, checked a news site (why there would be interesting news at 1 a.m. is beyond me), and right as I was about to jump onto Netflix and watch what I knew would destroy my sobriety...my roommate walked through the front door! Yes! Someone to save me from my destruction!
As I closed down my computer and started getting ready for bed I realized that I really wanted to watch that movie and masturbate. The longing for those feelings of false connections, the physical pleasure...everything was so strong! But in the back of my mind...I'm sure its the sober part of me said, "You know you really don't want those things. You want to be clean remember? You want to have the connection with God and Jesus Christ that you haven't had for a long time!" There was a huge internal struggle going on inside my head as I got ready for bed.
As I got in my bed I realized the wanting the porn hadn't gone away yet. So, I prayed and surrendered those feelings to God. It was such an amazing feeling! I was able to sleep well and I was able to get up in the morning feeling good about myself!
This is my experience...and this is my daily check in! I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety through God's help!
-Grateful and Hopeful
First - I am SO grateful to God for giving me these 9 days of sobriety. I couldn't have done it without him supporting me every day. Thank you!
Next - I read something very inspiring this morning. It was a talk by one of the Apostles in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He talked about how we can have peace in our homes, which is something I have been searching for. Peace in my life. I think I have begun to feel it as I have come to be at peace with the struggles I have in my life. Living through my surgery, how limiting it has been - limiting me from doing the things I love such as mountain biking, skiing, swimming, running, rock climbing, hiking - this has taught me to be content with what I have in my life. Elder Scott (the Apostle) doesn't talk about this aspect of peace, but I know that God has blessed me. Here's the link to either watch the talk or read it...whatever works for you!
As I closed down my computer and started getting ready for bed I realized that I really wanted to watch that movie and masturbate. The longing for those feelings of false connections, the physical pleasure...everything was so strong! But in the back of my mind...I'm sure its the sober part of me said, "You know you really don't want those things. You want to be clean remember? You want to have the connection with God and Jesus Christ that you haven't had for a long time!" There was a huge internal struggle going on inside my head as I got ready for bed.
As I got in my bed I realized the wanting the porn hadn't gone away yet. So, I prayed and surrendered those feelings to God. It was such an amazing feeling! I was able to sleep well and I was able to get up in the morning feeling good about myself!
This is my experience...and this is my daily check in! I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety through God's help!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Old friends and new opportunities
8 days sober:
Today has been amazing! I ran into an old friend and I had an amazing opportunity come my way...and I am just very happy today!
I got up around 7:30 this morning and studied my scriptures. This always makes my day better than it is without studying, but this morning was great! After studying I decided to go to the LDS Temple in my town. While I was in the Temple I ran into an old friend. Every time I see her I become happy, so it was great to see her! We chatted a bit after getting out of the Temple and it was just very nice to reconnect with her. It has been awhile since I saw her last.
The next highlight of my day happens to be getting an email from my choir director. She asked me to come talk to her and so I did. She was very glad to see me and I was very glad to see her, and then she mentioned that she wanted to give me a position in the choir leadership doing something that goes along perfectly with what I am learning in school! I was very excited about that...but then I realized that I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm not sure I could dedicate the time needed to that leadership position. Now my task is to hash out a rough estimate of how much time I would have available for participating in that even with all of my other engagements.
Overall, I have felt like today was a fulfilling day. I have gotten quite a bit done for school and am about to spend some good time working. I connected with one of the guys in my SA group and I'm feeling like God has been really protecting me and helping me through the day today.
I am grateful to be alive today and I love my life.
This is my experience today, and I pray I can keep a positive mindset and get further in recovery for the next 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today has been amazing! I ran into an old friend and I had an amazing opportunity come my way...and I am just very happy today!
I got up around 7:30 this morning and studied my scriptures. This always makes my day better than it is without studying, but this morning was great! After studying I decided to go to the LDS Temple in my town. While I was in the Temple I ran into an old friend. Every time I see her I become happy, so it was great to see her! We chatted a bit after getting out of the Temple and it was just very nice to reconnect with her. It has been awhile since I saw her last.
The next highlight of my day happens to be getting an email from my choir director. She asked me to come talk to her and so I did. She was very glad to see me and I was very glad to see her, and then she mentioned that she wanted to give me a position in the choir leadership doing something that goes along perfectly with what I am learning in school! I was very excited about that...but then I realized that I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm not sure I could dedicate the time needed to that leadership position. Now my task is to hash out a rough estimate of how much time I would have available for participating in that even with all of my other engagements.
Overall, I have felt like today was a fulfilling day. I have gotten quite a bit done for school and am about to spend some good time working. I connected with one of the guys in my SA group and I'm feeling like God has been really protecting me and helping me through the day today.
I am grateful to be alive today and I love my life.
This is my experience today, and I pray I can keep a positive mindset and get further in recovery for the next 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Genius, strength, and martial arts prowess
7 days sober: (A whole week only through God's help!)
Well, I had an interesting discussion with one of my roommates the other day: If you could have any super power which would you choose?
At first I said telekinesis because being able to move things with my mind would be AWESOME! Further on in our discussion, after being asked what the first thing would be that I would do with my power, I realized that I actually wouldn't want telekinesis as my super power. Why would I give up something so awesome? Well, for this simple reason: I love my life. Yeah, I have hard times when I act out and whenever I can't control myself, but overall I love my life! The struggles, the happy times, the sad times, the heartache, my membership in the church, the physical side of my life; all of it is what I love and live for! So...take away that...and you take away my life!
I then had to rethink what super power I would choose...and I realized I didn't want any of them! Well, none of the super powers. I can't decide between the two qualities of super heroes that I finally narrowed my list down to. The Genius of Iron Man or the Strength and Martial Arts Prowess of Batman. Those are the two attributes I would pick!
The realization that I love my life...struggles and all...was very comforting. I realized that I find purpose in living life. I love every day and I don't want to lose that ever!
This is my daily check in...and I pray that others out there will come to accept their lives as well. I also pray for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery; for me as well as for others!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, I had an interesting discussion with one of my roommates the other day: If you could have any super power which would you choose?
At first I said telekinesis because being able to move things with my mind would be AWESOME! Further on in our discussion, after being asked what the first thing would be that I would do with my power, I realized that I actually wouldn't want telekinesis as my super power. Why would I give up something so awesome? Well, for this simple reason: I love my life. Yeah, I have hard times when I act out and whenever I can't control myself, but overall I love my life! The struggles, the happy times, the sad times, the heartache, my membership in the church, the physical side of my life; all of it is what I love and live for! So...take away that...and you take away my life!
I then had to rethink what super power I would choose...and I realized I didn't want any of them! Well, none of the super powers. I can't decide between the two qualities of super heroes that I finally narrowed my list down to. The Genius of Iron Man or the Strength and Martial Arts Prowess of Batman. Those are the two attributes I would pick!
The realization that I love my life...struggles and all...was very comforting. I realized that I find purpose in living life. I love every day and I don't want to lose that ever!
This is my daily check in...and I pray that others out there will come to accept their lives as well. I also pray for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery; for me as well as for others!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, June 10, 2013
Recognizing my moods and changing them
6 days sober:
Today was a very enlightening day! I did a lot of things and got a lot accomplished...but it was also a pretty rough day for me! I should have called someone...I had that prompting several times. I ended up hanging out with my sister. She knows everything about my addiction and happens to be my best friend! So, I shared a little bit with her. Here's what I shared with her.
Ok, today...I was frustrated. I received an email from my girlfriend. After the email I felt conflicted. I have had second thoughts in the past two days about waiting for her while she is on her mission. After reading the email I realized that I still like her...I am just frustrated that I don't really have any close range goals for the next 18 (almost 17 months). I want to date others...but I also feel like I need to let her know that I will be doing that. I guess she did give me permission.
I am still going to date other people. I am going to let her know that I am not sitting around for the next year and a half. But...I also want to remember her and still write her. So...I will write her and let people know I am waiting for a missionary, but I will also go on dates and such!
The other thing I have been thinking of is that I might need some time to just recover. No drama, no close possible stimulation...just simple life. Day-to-day living of working, eating, sleeping (I guess that is night-to-night...), and more working.
I really need to work on my recovery though! I wrote up a list of bottom-lines and now I need to keep them. I wish I lived on my own so that I could pin them up somewhere, but I guess I have to do what I can with what I have. I will post them on the main screen of my computer!
Well, it is time for me to get to bed. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! I would love to hear from you! This is my daily blog...and this is my experience. I was pretty down today, but talking through my thoughts with someone really helped me get back up! I pray for another 24 hours!
Today was a very enlightening day! I did a lot of things and got a lot accomplished...but it was also a pretty rough day for me! I should have called someone...I had that prompting several times. I ended up hanging out with my sister. She knows everything about my addiction and happens to be my best friend! So, I shared a little bit with her. Here's what I shared with her.
Ok, today...I was frustrated. I received an email from my girlfriend. After the email I felt conflicted. I have had second thoughts in the past two days about waiting for her while she is on her mission. After reading the email I realized that I still like her...I am just frustrated that I don't really have any close range goals for the next 18 (almost 17 months). I want to date others...but I also feel like I need to let her know that I will be doing that. I guess she did give me permission.
I am still going to date other people. I am going to let her know that I am not sitting around for the next year and a half. But...I also want to remember her and still write her. So...I will write her and let people know I am waiting for a missionary, but I will also go on dates and such!
The other thing I have been thinking of is that I might need some time to just recover. No drama, no close possible stimulation...just simple life. Day-to-day living of working, eating, sleeping (I guess that is night-to-night...), and more working.
I really need to work on my recovery though! I wrote up a list of bottom-lines and now I need to keep them. I wish I lived on my own so that I could pin them up somewhere, but I guess I have to do what I can with what I have. I will post them on the main screen of my computer!
Well, it is time for me to get to bed. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! I would love to hear from you! This is my daily blog...and this is my experience. I was pretty down today, but talking through my thoughts with someone really helped me get back up! I pray for another 24 hours!
Thoughts from a Sunday morning
5 days sober:
This morning I had some wonderful thoughts about obedience. I wrote them down so that I could remember them.
This is my daily check in and my experience from today. I pray for another 24 hours! One day at a time!
-Grateful and Hopeful
This morning I had some wonderful thoughts about obedience. I wrote them down so that I could remember them.
"Keeping a commandment acts as a gateway to keeping the next commandment. The opposite is true as well. Breaking a rule or commandment leads to breaking other commandments. What we choose empowers us to continue along the path we just chose."A very interesting idea that what we do empowers us to continue along that path. If I choose to think about a girl in a lustful way then that will open the path to eventually acting out in my addiction. Also, if I start my day right, thinking about recovery or about God then I will be given strength to resist the temptations that might come at me throughout the day. I am grateful that God has given me that ability.
This is my daily check in and my experience from today. I pray for another 24 hours! One day at a time!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Saturday, June 8, 2013
New opportunities
4 days sober:
I am confused. I know that my girlfriend loves me, and yet I have a hard time remembering that. She is gone...and before she left we never really resolved the whole "you don't speak my love language" thing. So...I'm conflicted. I want to give her a chance, but I also know that I can't spend a year and a half just sitting around, getting upset at the way that she is. There are a couple girls around me that I would be interested in, but I'm not sure if it is rebound or real interest. I'm sure the addict in me is looking at the new girls as new opportunities.
When I was sitting next to a girl tonight while watching a movie, I had the thought that I just wanted to make out with her. I know that I shouldn't, but I also know that she would be up for it. I thought about it seriously enough that my heart started beating and I started getting nervous. I feel bad because I am not being "faithful" to my girlfriend, but I also don't know how I should be acting towards her.
I am going to pray about it and make sure I seek the Lord's direction on what would be best for me as a Recovering Addict. Should I take some time off from girls in order to focus on recovery? Maybe...I'm just not sure!
This is my daily conflictions (that's not even a word!)...and I hope I can get another 24 hours of sobriety! Only God can make it happen!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I am confused. I know that my girlfriend loves me, and yet I have a hard time remembering that. She is gone...and before she left we never really resolved the whole "you don't speak my love language" thing. So...I'm conflicted. I want to give her a chance, but I also know that I can't spend a year and a half just sitting around, getting upset at the way that she is. There are a couple girls around me that I would be interested in, but I'm not sure if it is rebound or real interest. I'm sure the addict in me is looking at the new girls as new opportunities.
When I was sitting next to a girl tonight while watching a movie, I had the thought that I just wanted to make out with her. I know that I shouldn't, but I also know that she would be up for it. I thought about it seriously enough that my heart started beating and I started getting nervous. I feel bad because I am not being "faithful" to my girlfriend, but I also don't know how I should be acting towards her.
I am going to pray about it and make sure I seek the Lord's direction on what would be best for me as a Recovering Addict. Should I take some time off from girls in order to focus on recovery? Maybe...I'm just not sure!
This is my daily conflictions (that's not even a word!)...and I hope I can get another 24 hours of sobriety! Only God can make it happen!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, June 6, 2013
My cravings and the concept of key habits
1 day sober:
I am SO tired of writing that! But I guess it is as my sponsor says, "Did you learn something?" I did learn something from this relapse of acting out. I am learning my patterns as well as learning what my cravings are. That brings me to what I promised I would write about today!
Cravings
In Duhigg's book The Power of Habit, he outlines what researchers are now finding is at the center of a habit. Kind of driving the habit forward...ya know? That is the craving that you associate with that habit. Kind of what emotional (or physical or social or spiritual...etc.) needs you are fulfilling by doing that habit. Duhigg says that if you identify the craving then you can change a habit by meeting the craving but changing the routine (what physical actions the habit involves). I have been trying to figure out what cravings are involved in my habits in my sexual addiction. So far, I have really only thought of one: the craving to feel loved/accepted.
Tonight is an interesting case for me. I am on my laptop writing this blog post and I am alone in the front room of my apartment. Normally, this late at night, I would be jumping onto a porn video site, watching a bit of pornography, and then going and masturbating. Tonight I don't want to. Is it because I just found out that my roommates best friend just died? Maybe...or could it be that I hung out with a couple of guys that I feel totally comfortable around (they are a bunch of guys from my SA group) and therefore fulfilled my need for love and acceptance for the night? Or is it because I surrendered my resentment that I have been holding towards my girlfriend for not being as affectionate as I would like? I just don't know.
Key Habits
The concept of key habits is that there are some habits which, if changed, slowly leak change into every other part of your life. For some it is as simple as making their bed in the morning. This will have them soon following their budget better as well as other things in their life.
I want to identify some key habits for me so I can make some great changes in all aspects of my life. I wonder if reading the Book of Mormon will be one of those key habits? Once again...I'm at a loss for sure knowledge!
SO...those are things I have been learning from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. I feel like they are things that I can apply into my recovery...kind of meshing it into my step work.
Tomorrow I will write about the revelations I had today while in my SA group meeting. Very enlightening!
This is my daily check in and this is my experience and thoughts today. I pray I can get another 24 hours under my belt!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I am SO tired of writing that! But I guess it is as my sponsor says, "Did you learn something?" I did learn something from this relapse of acting out. I am learning my patterns as well as learning what my cravings are. That brings me to what I promised I would write about today!
Cravings
In Duhigg's book The Power of Habit, he outlines what researchers are now finding is at the center of a habit. Kind of driving the habit forward...ya know? That is the craving that you associate with that habit. Kind of what emotional (or physical or social or spiritual...etc.) needs you are fulfilling by doing that habit. Duhigg says that if you identify the craving then you can change a habit by meeting the craving but changing the routine (what physical actions the habit involves). I have been trying to figure out what cravings are involved in my habits in my sexual addiction. So far, I have really only thought of one: the craving to feel loved/accepted.
Tonight is an interesting case for me. I am on my laptop writing this blog post and I am alone in the front room of my apartment. Normally, this late at night, I would be jumping onto a porn video site, watching a bit of pornography, and then going and masturbating. Tonight I don't want to. Is it because I just found out that my roommates best friend just died? Maybe...or could it be that I hung out with a couple of guys that I feel totally comfortable around (they are a bunch of guys from my SA group) and therefore fulfilled my need for love and acceptance for the night? Or is it because I surrendered my resentment that I have been holding towards my girlfriend for not being as affectionate as I would like? I just don't know.
Key Habits
The concept of key habits is that there are some habits which, if changed, slowly leak change into every other part of your life. For some it is as simple as making their bed in the morning. This will have them soon following their budget better as well as other things in their life.
I want to identify some key habits for me so I can make some great changes in all aspects of my life. I wonder if reading the Book of Mormon will be one of those key habits? Once again...I'm at a loss for sure knowledge!
SO...those are things I have been learning from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. I feel like they are things that I can apply into my recovery...kind of meshing it into my step work.
Tomorrow I will write about the revelations I had today while in my SA group meeting. Very enlightening!
This is my daily check in and this is my experience and thoughts today. I pray I can get another 24 hours under my belt!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Cars and love
4 days sober: (This feels like such an accomplishment right now! Hard to believe I once had 47 days of sobriety...)
Today was...interesting. It was great, and I got a lot done on my car as well as on goals, but I also got pretty frustrated too. I am in the middle of starting a company and I was a little unclear on some of the details, and I also had some pretty interesting dreams last night.
I'm gonna start with what is related to the dreams. Yesterday I finished off the day by watching Failure to Launch and at the end had the overwhelming desire to be with my girlfriend again. The only problem was that I also was harboring (and still am) some resentment against her for not changing right away and showing me the love that she says she has. At the end of Failure to Launch the girl in the movie is really cute, flirty, and fun...and seeing that made me want that in my life. Ya know...the kind of girl that would chase after me if I ever started to leave. The kind of girl that would be willing to do anything for me. Maybe I have the desire to have a girl like that because I know that I am not that way and want to be for a girl? I just don't know. Anyway...today I was resenting my girlfriend for going on a mission and not for being here trying to fix the 'not loving me enough' problem that I had before she left.
Now onto the frustration stemming from starting a company. I am working with another partner on this project. He is writing all of the documents for the company and I am creating the website. There are certain requirements, products, and aspects that are involved in this. I have NO clue how to build websites...and I'm tackling this! Ha ha, yeah, I'm insane...I know! That's part of Steps 1 and 2...right? Of course I am! Anyway, I was unclear on some things, don't know how to do some others (I haven't been willing to take the time to really learn all the aspects of the things I don't know), and was just getting VERY frustrated. So, I took some time to hash out some details that I didn't know as well as set some goals for this month. Very relaxing! I also committed myself to really sit down and read what I need to!
The cars part of the title comes from the part of my day where I fixed my car! I drove today for the first time in 14 1/2 weeks! Yay!!
I read part of The Power of Habit again today...such an amazing book! I will blog about cravings and key habits tomorrow!
This is my daily check in and this is my daily experience! I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today was...interesting. It was great, and I got a lot done on my car as well as on goals, but I also got pretty frustrated too. I am in the middle of starting a company and I was a little unclear on some of the details, and I also had some pretty interesting dreams last night.
I'm gonna start with what is related to the dreams. Yesterday I finished off the day by watching Failure to Launch and at the end had the overwhelming desire to be with my girlfriend again. The only problem was that I also was harboring (and still am) some resentment against her for not changing right away and showing me the love that she says she has. At the end of Failure to Launch the girl in the movie is really cute, flirty, and fun...and seeing that made me want that in my life. Ya know...the kind of girl that would chase after me if I ever started to leave. The kind of girl that would be willing to do anything for me. Maybe I have the desire to have a girl like that because I know that I am not that way and want to be for a girl? I just don't know. Anyway...today I was resenting my girlfriend for going on a mission and not for being here trying to fix the 'not loving me enough' problem that I had before she left.
Now onto the frustration stemming from starting a company. I am working with another partner on this project. He is writing all of the documents for the company and I am creating the website. There are certain requirements, products, and aspects that are involved in this. I have NO clue how to build websites...and I'm tackling this! Ha ha, yeah, I'm insane...I know! That's part of Steps 1 and 2...right? Of course I am! Anyway, I was unclear on some things, don't know how to do some others (I haven't been willing to take the time to really learn all the aspects of the things I don't know), and was just getting VERY frustrated. So, I took some time to hash out some details that I didn't know as well as set some goals for this month. Very relaxing! I also committed myself to really sit down and read what I need to!
The cars part of the title comes from the part of my day where I fixed my car! I drove today for the first time in 14 1/2 weeks! Yay!!
 |
| This is not my car...but I would love to work on an old car such as this! |
I read part of The Power of Habit again today...such an amazing book! I will blog about cravings and key habits tomorrow!
This is my daily check in and this is my daily experience! I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, June 3, 2013
Keeping commitments
3 days sober:
Well, today I am keeping commitments! I know that sound super elementary, but its true! This morning I made a commitment to call a guy from my SA group. I almost forgot about it, but then I decided that now was better than never! He ended up not answering, but just calling him broke the boredness that was plaguing me. So, it works! And its wonderful!
I'm reading The Power of Habit right now and I'm learning a ton! I just read about how the propellant for habits is actually the craving that we associate with the habit. Wonderful information! So...now I just need to figure out what the craving is that is at the core of all of my addiction habits. I think one of the cravings is the feel of the release when masturbating. As I think back...that seems to be what my mind is searching for. How can I replace that? Maybe get a craving for the sense of accomplishment that comes from resisting a temptation? Just an idea!
Well, those have been my thoughts so far today...and this is my daily check in! I pray for all those who still suffer from an addiction. I pray that they will be able to find the help they need. And I pray that I will be able to be sober for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, today I am keeping commitments! I know that sound super elementary, but its true! This morning I made a commitment to call a guy from my SA group. I almost forgot about it, but then I decided that now was better than never! He ended up not answering, but just calling him broke the boredness that was plaguing me. So, it works! And its wonderful!
I'm reading The Power of Habit right now and I'm learning a ton! I just read about how the propellant for habits is actually the craving that we associate with the habit. Wonderful information! So...now I just need to figure out what the craving is that is at the core of all of my addiction habits. I think one of the cravings is the feel of the release when masturbating. As I think back...that seems to be what my mind is searching for. How can I replace that? Maybe get a craving for the sense of accomplishment that comes from resisting a temptation? Just an idea!
Well, those have been my thoughts so far today...and this is my daily check in! I pray for all those who still suffer from an addiction. I pray that they will be able to find the help they need. And I pray that I will be able to be sober for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Feeling loved
2 days sober:
So, I relapsed again on Friday...I was home alone and there were some girls not wearing very much clothing down by the pool in front of my apartment. Yeah, that is always a bad combination for me. I might have to end up staying up on my school's campus all day so that I don't see them! Ugh...I hate it when things around me go wrong and its not really something I can control! I guess that is life though...right?
Anyway...the point of the title of this post is that I had someone from the group call me today! It was very nice to have someone call and express concern about my recovery! The guy that called me was there when I gave my First Step Inventory and it was great to hear from him. I really need to reach out to people more...I'm doing a huge disservice to myself when I don't!
So, my goal for this week is to call a different person from my group every day this week. I'll report about it on here!
Aaaannnnddd...this is my experience! I am checking in today and I hope and pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
So, I relapsed again on Friday...I was home alone and there were some girls not wearing very much clothing down by the pool in front of my apartment. Yeah, that is always a bad combination for me. I might have to end up staying up on my school's campus all day so that I don't see them! Ugh...I hate it when things around me go wrong and its not really something I can control! I guess that is life though...right?
Anyway...the point of the title of this post is that I had someone from the group call me today! It was very nice to have someone call and express concern about my recovery! The guy that called me was there when I gave my First Step Inventory and it was great to hear from him. I really need to reach out to people more...I'm doing a huge disservice to myself when I don't!
So, my goal for this week is to call a different person from my group every day this week. I'll report about it on here!
Aaaannnnddd...this is my experience! I am checking in today and I hope and pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
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