Working the Steps in Recovery

10 Days Sober:

In my recovery study today I was reading in Step Into Action and came across a section that talked about working the steps.  This section changed my thinking and outlook on recovery and how to truly work the steps.  Before this I had thought that working the steps meant going to meetings, calling people, staying sober, reading SA material…yeah, that isn’t what it is.

Each step it turns out has something you can “work.” Step One for example, the only one that I truly think I know because that is still the one I am on, has the first step inventory that I need to write in order to fully understand my powerlessness and unmanageability.  Or at least begin to understand.  No, I believe that God can give me a full understanding if He so desires…so I will strive for it as if He was going to give it to me.  If not, then I will still believe in Him and rely on Him.

As I read about working the steps, I had an amazing feeling of peace roll over me.  Not that I was super sober right then…I mean I have 10 days so far…but I just felt like God revealed to me and comforted me that if I keep going and keep relying on Him that I will be able to stay in recovery and I will be able to have the life that He has planned for me.  It will be hard, and I am just barely seeing how hard it might be, and I know that I will have very low days, but just knowing that there is a hope of being in extended recovery makes me want to strive for and work for this as much as I physically can.

This is my check in and this is my experience.  Stay strong!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Never Alone in Recovery

9 Days Sober:

My sponsor sent me this quote a little bit ago.  “No man is an island.” – John Donne

As I think about what this means this is what comes to mind.   I am never alone.  I always have at least the support of God in my life if nothing else.  I’m very lucky because I have the support of my girlfriend as well as the support of my loving family.  I have the support of all of those who go to the SA groups, wherever they may meet.  No matter where I go, I always have someone to rely on!

Having realized that I need to not be afraid of reaching out whenever I am in need.  I know that any of the people that go to the SA group are more than willing to listen to me and help me and I know that the others in my life are willing to listen.  

Today there was a slight misunderstanding between me and my girlfriend and it really bothered me how much it affected me.  We talked it out and everything was great afterwards, but still…I hope I can overcome these feelings of defensiveness and hurt whenever something happens that, in the words of the Joker, “isn’t according to plan.”

This is my daily check-in and I’m praying for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The 12 Step Promises

 I heard these in my SA group the other week and I wanted to find them and post them for others to see.  These are the "12 rewards" or "12 promises" that come from working the 12 Step Program.

1. Hope instead of desperation.
2. Faith instead of despair.
3. Courage instead of fear.
4. Peace of mind instead of confusion.
5. Self-respect instead of self-contempt.
6. Self-confidence instead of helplessness.
7. The respect of others instead of their pity and contempt.
8. A clean conscience instead of a sense of guilt.
9. Real friendships instead of loneliness.
10. A clean pattern of life instead of a purposeless existence.
11. The love and understanding of our families instead of their doubts and fears.
12. The freedom of a happy life instead of the bondage of an sexual obsession. 

-Grateful and Hopeful

Not Shrinking from Recovery

8 days sober:
Step 1: Admit I am powerless over lust - my life has become unmanageable.

Last night I listened to something that has been sticking in my mind all day...I have thought a lot about it!  One of my church leaders once said that in all his struggles with cancer, the one lesson that he learned was this:

It is more important to not shrink than it is to survive. 

As I applied this to my life and thought about how I sometimes go through each day just trying to survive.  Am I supposed to not shrink from my addiction or am I supposed to not shrink from the road to recovery?  Up to this point I have been pretty stagnant in my year of being in the SA program.  I haven't done my First Step Inventory and I barely call people at all.  I have been surviving.

I am NOT going to shrink! I am going to step up to the plate and start working this program!  That is my promise! I may not be perfect at it, but here goes!

This is my check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of RECOVERY! Not just sobriety!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Danger of being Tired

7 days sober:

Today has been hard mentally.  I've been able to surrender and throw off everything that has come my way so far, but I have realized how much harder a day is when you are tired.  Also, it seems like a week into sobriety is one of the hardest points up...according to my experience! But, this is my check-in to the world...just to check-in and let whoever reads this know that I am still fighting! I am doing my best to work on Step One...I pray every day to have the humility to truly see myself where I am...and to feel God's love for me.

A quote that I heard today that helped me a bit today: "It is more important to not shrink than to survive." -Elder Maxwell of the LDS Church. - This helped me realize that each day I need to surrender my whole will over my God.  Allowing my will to be swallowed up in His will will help me to become the best person that I can be each day.  I hope I can not shrink from the will of my God.

For all those out there suffering...keep fighting your way to God! There is peace and joy on the horizon, as far away as it may seem.  Stay strong!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Powerful Positive Thought

6 Days sober:

I have reflected quite a bit today on the power of my thoughts.  I think back on those periods that seem dark and dismal...and maybe I have some of those ahead, but as of right now I can keep a positive attitude by remembering that keeping a positive attitude in the face of opposition will benefit me more than almost anything else.  How can I get that positive attitude? Here's my experience and advice:

Four Tactics for Defeating a Negative Attitude:

1. Pray
2. List out your gratefuls
3. Get out and serve
4. Take time each day to relax

How do each one of these affect you?
Prayer get's you closer to God.  Any interaction with God is for the better, even if it is for chastisment.  As I work on my personal relationship with my Higher Power, I am amazed at the peace and joy that flows into my life.  Prayer is possibly the most powerful thing I can do to defeat a negative attitude.
Making a list of the things that you are grateful for is a technique that is for long-term benefits and change, but gives you rewards immediately.  Each night I list out the things that I am grateful for that happened that day.  If I had the chance to serve someone I write that down.  Did someone tell you that they admire you today?  Write it down...even if you only write three things down a night that you are grateful for, your attitude will change so that during the day you are looking for things that make you happy instead of for things that are depressing.  Try it, you'll like it!
Anyone who has truly lived knows that serving another person brings joy and love that is unmatched from any other activity.  This technique is a contender against prayer for being the most powerful thing I can do to defeat a negative attitude.
Just relax.  Take 30 minutes out of your day and unplug.  Unite yourself with God by going on a walk in nature or a park to see and appreciate His creations.  As I do this I feel closer to Him and this makes me want to do all 3 of the above techniques.

This is my daily check-in and this is my experience.  Stay Strong!

-Grateful and Hopeful     

Getting Outside my Head

4 days sober:

Real quick, checking in.  This morning, as well as last night, I have struggled throwing off the memories that come up of events that have happened in the past.  One memory was when I got super close to having sex with a girl I was dating.  As I look back at that I am so grateful that we didn't.  We were relatively close, but we both had the presence of mind to not do anything to drastic.  Any advice from others on how to close this memory out of my head? Right now, I surrender any thoughts I had about this to God and ask for His help in overcoming this!

Yesterday I had a really cool experience with my sponsor.  I was struggling with some thoughts and I needed to check in with him so I called and we talked for quite awhile! I was very inspired by the amount of observation that he puts into his life.  He was able to analyze and deal with a couple hard situations and that was a great example to me.

This is my check in and I'm praying for another 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Apathetic Day

3 days sober:

Well, true to my word, I am checking in today.  I had a very typical day...meaning I didn't really have any gumption to do anything today! I'm studying in school, trying to get through some prerequisites for a Business School I am trying to get into...and I really had no drive to do much of anything today! I tried working on Business Math homework...yeah, THAT'S super interesting.  NOT! I tried working on most every piece of homework that I have and reading about Karl Marx and his fatalistic, sick, twisted views of economy and society did not help me cheer up.  SO...I decided that right after this post I am going to read out of the SA White Book and study that for awhile.

One piece of advice that I do have...visit the website http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/ and sign up to be a FIGHTER.  This is a great way to work Step 12.  Do it!

That's my daily check-in.  Today I struggled with keeping my eyes on the appropriate parts of women...something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember!  I pray that I will be able to work through this struggle with the Lord.  Thanks for reading!

-Grateful and Hopeful (especially when it is a hard day!)

Scenes like this always make me grateful to be on the earth...thank you God for giving me wonderful sights like this!

A Study on Surrender

2 days sober:

This morning, in accordance with my daily's, I woke up at 6:30, read from the Book of Mormon (personally this has done more to aid me in recovery than anything else) for 15 minutes, and then flipped open the White Book to page 66 where it talks about surrender being the first test.  In my year of being in SA, this is something that I have struggled to conceptualize or accept.  The notion that I can psychologically change my attitude or throw off temptation is very hard for me to accept.  But...I yearn for the time when I can do this fully! As it says in the White Book, "Usually we find that our initial surrender was incomplete and we begin to see some loose ends."  This is the hard thing for me is a complete and full surrender.  I somewhat doubt that anyone has done a COMPLETE and full surrender, but just the fact that surrender is something that helps gives me hope! I will be studying this all week in order to better understand it, but these are the thoughts that I wrote down this morning while studying:

Surrender
-Simply give it up
-Simple acknowledge my powerlessness
-Pick up the phone, ask for help, or go to a meeting *anything to get me moving and out of the current situation that I am in because staying in one spot and inside my head is death.
-Throw any semblance of the addiction away. Don't keep it at all. Nothing. *Anything left over from my past destructive relationships will need to be purged from my life.  This will further break the hold that this addiction has over me and facilitate my return to Jesus Christ and being one of His disciples.

I was in a meeting the other day when I heard the phrase, "You can't ever let up until you are safely dead." How true this is and how great of a reminder this is.

This is my experience today and this is my check-in.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Relapse and Recovery

1 day sober
 
Yesterday I relapsed...man, that is a trying thing to happen! I had a super hard time yesterday dealing with the relapse, but I am glad that I have had the chance to do some reflection.  In this time of reflection, fueled by going to an SA meeting, I have decided to revamp my daily's:

1. Study the LDS scriptures for 15 minutes every morning
2. Study SA literature for 15 minutes every morning
3. Write a blog post of my experience in recovery
4. Check in with a fellow SA member every day
5. Pray sincerely morning and night

Also...if you're at all familiar with SA and the idea of a sponsor, I, after a year of being in the program, have finally gotten a sponsor! I overcame my fear of talking and confiding in someone and talked with someone...it feels so great knowing that someone is there for me to guide me and help me.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Pushing the Line

In SA we do our best to be totally honest, so here goes.  A couple of days ago I was in my apartment all alone and I had the brilliant idea of jumping online to just "surf" around.  I think I knew exactly what I was meaning/wanting to do, but I wasn't willing to admit it to myself.  So, I was going to different sites that I normally frequent when I had an idea to visit one of the sites that usually sets me up for acting out.  I acted on that thought, and while I didn't end up acting out or breaking my sobriety, I did have a very close call and it brought back way too many memories and thoughts.  I guess my thoughts today are how even starting down the path is so dangerous! I am so grateful for the protection that I felt from God as I flirted with the line, and now I have strengthened my resolve to never go that close to the line again.

-Another 24

30 Days of Recovery!

Today marks 30 days of recovery for me! I am so full of gratitude and happiness it's hard to express it, but I figured starting a blog to share my experience, hard times, and milestones would be of benefit to me as well as hopefully of benefit to others struggling with this same type of addiction.

A little bit about me:  

-I am Grateful and Hopeful.  For anonymity purposes that is my name.

-I am 22 years old, turning 23 this year.  I have been suffering from an addiction to lust and pornography and masturbation since I was 10 or 11.  

-I am a recovering sexaholic (my addiction mentioned above) and I have been in a recovery program for about a year now.  Up to today I have had 3 times when I reached 30 days of sobriety and each time I fell hard afterwards.  

-I have a wonderful relationship with a girl (oh, and I am male...just so you're  aware) and she is the girl of my dreams.  The example that she is to me of humility and strength is a wonderful, shining example.  I believe that I love her, but as fellow sexaholics know...love is an abstract and hard-to-define idea/feeling for us.  We have a very skewed idea and understanding of what "love" is, but I believe that I really do love her.  Time will tell!

-I am going to school to try to get my degree and I am also trying to set up a business of my own.  Something to keep my mind and body occupied so that I can't claim that I was "bored" if I mess up again.  This is something that I feel very passionate about and am really able to engage my whole faculty in and I am very excited about the prospects of this venture.

-I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...in other words, I am a Mormon! I know it, I strive to live it, and I love it!  Of all the strengths in my life, my belief and faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ is my cornerstone for my foundation for life.  Without this I would not be here in this life anymore.

-I love being outdoors and enjoying God's creations.  For me there is no greater proof that God exists and loves us than the world and people around us.

That is me, and this is my blog.  I hope that my experience and sharing will help someone out there and will give them the hope that they need to start on the path or continue on the path of recovery.  Please feel free to comment and share your opinion/experience.  I only ask that you don't use any vulgar language (swearing/sexually explicit) at all when commenting.  Thank you for reading!