Revisiting Surrender

72 days sober:

Surrender. This is a word I have really struggled to understand. I don't fully understand it yet and I'm not sure I will ever. But I want to. I am trying to now.

I started over on the 12 Steps today. "What? You have 72 days of sobriety! You should be on like step 5 or something!" Yeah, well, I haven't been working the steps. I have gotten this far only through God's help.

I believe recovery is possible but I haven't always. As of yesterday I was a little doubtful. There was a little nagging feeling in the back of my mind while I was in group yesterday. That feeling was doubt. Its worse than fear.

I have a goal this week to read Step One material every day and then write about it. Write my thoughts. Write my feelings. Write quotes so I can remember them.

Surrender is...the key...to a joyful and purposeful life with others.

As I finished reading about Step One in the White Book of SA, I read something I haven't ever seen or thought of before. This sentence talked about sexual sobriety and emotional sobriety. For so long I have been focused on my sexual sobriety and wondering when I would be able to have a year, two, five, ten.

Mind opened today.

I'm 72 days sexually sober, but today I am starting my emotional sobriety. I am not going to count days, but I AM going to strive for emotional sobriety every day. Without this side of recovery...there will be no recovery.

I am powerless over my defects: resentment, anger, pride, annoyance with others, tiredness, dependency...and I am still working on finding others. But, I am powerless over them. I cannot control them without God's help.

I surrender myself to Thee, God, to do with me as Thou wilt.

With that, I will take another 24 hours.

-GH

At The End of The Day

1 day sober:

I made it 24 hours. Of course, 6 of those 24 hours were spent sleeping, but hey! I made it 24 hours!

I am so grateful, like the guy said this morning in SA group, that God answered my prayer and blessed me with 24 hours of sobriety. I am grateful that I was able to do so much today. I worked out, I went to an SA meeting, I got to work on a project with my fiance, I was able to hang out with some friends from high school and play Axis and Allies, and then I was able to hang out and cuddle with my fiance before going to bed. Today has been a great day.

This recovery is impossible without God. I might be able to get some sobriety (which I haven't been able to do yet) without directly turning to Him...but the only way that I am going to recover is to turn my will completely over to Him and let Him run my life.

I pray that I will be able to do that tomorrow. Here's to another 24.

-GH

We Have Emotional Needs

0 days sober: (I relapsed last night, so today is day 1)

I went to my SA group this morning and I learned so much. One of the guys was celebrating 2 years of recovery today and so we sang Happy Birthday to him and he brought donuts for us. Kind of like the Hobbit way of having a birthday - give presents to everyone instead of asking them to give them to you.

Anyway, to my real point in this post.

We all have emotional needs. For us Sex Addicts, recovering or not, we have learned to cope with those emotional needs by resorting to some form of sexual stimulation. This does NOT make the problem go away. In fact it is exactly opposite; this way of coping usually makes the problem bigger.

As I sat in group, I tried to figure out what my personal emotional needs are. If I can identify what they are then I can start REALLY trying to meet them instead of just dancing around them. Here is what I thought of:

1. Need to feel like I am relied upon - I want to feel like others rely on me and that I matter to them.
2. Need to feel needed - Similar to the one above, but this is more of a feeling that others need me in their lives. That their lives would be vastly different if I wasn't there.
3. Need to feel appreciated - I want to feel like others see my worth and appreciate it.
4. Need to be loved - This is one I don't fully understand yet...what does it mean to be loved? I think I will be asking that question for the rest of my life.
5. Need to feel thought of - I like it when I feel like others have considered that I exist...and then that they have done something about it.
6. Need to feel content with things around me - I spend so much of my time wishing that I was doing something more. I need to feel content with what I have and where I am.
7. Need to feel accepted - This goes back to the old playground idea. If you're not part of the group then you're going to get made fun of. Having been home-schooled for part of my life, I have a fear of not fitting in with other people.
8. Need to feel connected with others - This is a major one for me. I want to feel like I have a connection with others. That I am more than superficially interacting with them.

What emotional needs do you have?

This is my check in for today. I pray that I will be able to have another 24 hours under my belt next time I post.

-GH

Being Wrong Is Ok

6 days sober:

I learned that being wrong in an argument is ok. Giving in and admitting that you were wrong actually goes a long way. I have been taught this over and over in my life...and I still haven't picked up on it.

Rather than admit a mistake,
Nations have gone to war,
Families have separated,
And good people have sacrificed everything dear to them.

Admitting you were wrong is just another way of saying you are wiser today than you were yesterday.

 I try to live according to that quote.

Now, I have a couple things to surrender:

• A weakness of mine in not checking out girls is blonde hair. I am VERY attracted to blonde hair...and I am marrying a red-head! :) Red-heads are very attractive as well, don't get me wrong. I just seem to be unable to not turn my head to look at a blonde for some reason. This has caused me to take street lust hits even though I am engaged. I need to surrender the power blonde hair has over me.
• Linked with the weakness above, I have experienced some feelings of attraction and fantasy for the girl who cleans up the office I work in. She works in the morning and it is usually just me and her in the office. I haven't ever spoken more than 5 words to her, but she has a very nicely shaped body and blonde hair. I have checked her out several times and I don't want to be doing that.
• I take street lust hits on most girls when I look at them. Any ideas on how to not do that?  The only thing I can think of is praying for them.

I wanted to check in. This is my daily check in and this is my experience.

-GH

Reminder To Call

2 days sober:

I got a phone call when I was working this morning from another guy in SA. I wasn't able to answer it due to the fact that I was working, but after I got off I called him back and talked with him.

Obviously I won't share what he shared with me, but I will share the feelings I had while talking with him.

• I felt happy.
• I felt hope.
• I felt strength from another as we were vulnerable and shared with each other our problems and thoughts. We truly connected as we talked.
• I felt reassured that I am on the right path. Not from the fellow SA member, but from God.
• I felt renewed determination to battle my faults.

My point with all of this is that these feelings came from my being honest with him and also my being vulnerable. I was impressed with that today as I spoke with him and I am very grateful that I was able to feel this and be aware enough to realize what I was feeling.

This is my experience and this is my daily check-in.

-GH

A Good Storm

1 day sober:

Today I would like to list off the things I am grateful for. I am about to go to bed and I thought this would be a good practice to start up again.

• I am grateful for how blessed I have been able to stay within my budget so far this month. Even with acting out every few days I have been able to stay within my budget. Usually I go on binge spending or I try to make myself feel better by buying quite a few things. That hasn't happened this month and I am grateful for this!
• I am grateful I have a job and can make money for my future marriage. Saving this money has helped me realize that I can do so much with the Lord's help...but only with His help. I am lost without Him.
•  I am grateful for the storm that we had yesterday where I live. For the last while the air quality has been awful, but the intense wind yesterday blew all that nasty air out of the valley and so now we have some very clear air with which to appreciate the beautiful creations God has blessed us with.

• I am grateful for the wonderful cooking skills of my fiance. We had some wonderful pancakes for lunch and as I ate them I just became VERY grateful for her cooking skills. She is so wonderful.

This is my experience and this is my check in. Here's to another 24 hours of recovery.

-GH

To Act and Not To Be Acted Upon

2 days sober:

Reading in the SA White Book tonight I re-read the section on recognizing trigger mechanisms. Mind-blowing! I mean, I've read that section 3 or 4 times, but each time I am reminded of how many things can trigger me, especially my emotions.

Whenever I read about HALT I stop and think, "I need to be more aware of that." Actually, that thought comes probably 2 or 3 times a week. I need to be better at remembering and APPLYING the principles I learn.

So, here is my application of a principle. Or maybe a couple of them. I am reaching out to others instead of staying within my own mind and shutting others off. I am writing down something I thought about and feel is inspiration from God about how I can work on overcoming my addiction.

Hungry (haste, hurry, hyper)
Angry 
Lonely
Tired

Each one of these emotions or states of being are dangerous to an addict. I know that I personally have very weak resistance to temptations when I am any one of those. Another acronym is BLAST. Bored. Lonely. Angry. Stressed. Tired.

So, I know that I need to be careful and be aware of when I am in any one of those moods...but how do I do that? How can I remember to be aware of that?

I'm not sure, but that is what I am going to be investigating over the next couple days. Praying and asking for inspiration.

I have the choice to act...or I can let myself be acted upon by my sex-addiction. I choose to act and turn my will over to the Lord. Only with His help can I stay aware of my situation and change it accordingly.

This is my experience and this is my checking in. Please comment if you have any input at all. You can even check the anonymous box (or uncheck it?) so you don't have to put your name.

Thanks,

Grateful and Hopeful

Scared of Mr. Banks

0 days sober:

Its been awhile since I posted, but I thought now would be a good opportunity to post something.

I went to the movie theater on Saturday with my fiance to see Saving Mr. Banks and was thoroughly amazed! I expected the movie to be good, but I wasn't sure how good it was going to be. The songs, humor, and thoughtful moments kept me engaged the whole time...but the one thing I didn't expect was to be scared down to my core. Here's why:

In the movie Saving Mr. Banks the life of the writer P. L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, is depicted as the inspiration for the story of Mary Poppins. However, her story isn't all sunshine and roses; her father, Travers Goff, loses his job several times and eventually dies because of fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. Throughout the movie you see the heartache and pain that his addiction causes his family. You also see Travers create an imaginary world that he uses to try to escape his addiction.

The movie Mary Poppins is such a wonderful story of redemption; even though he has become distracted, Mr. Banks is able to turn his heart to his children and be a part of their lives again.

As I watched this struggle and coping mechanism, I saw a possible future of my own life. I broke down in the car on the way home as I expressed to my fiance the fears I experienced and continued to experience after the movie. She could tell something was off and so she was gracious enough to ask...she is so wonderful to me.

I know that with God I can overcome this addiction. I slipped up this morning, but I commit to being sober for the rest of today. I am powerless over lust and I 

This is my experience and this is my check in today. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His guiding influence in my life.

Grateful and Hopeful