A Habit of Relapse

1 day sober:

Yeah, I'm an idiot. Tonight I totally looked up some porn, watched it, and then masturbated. What happened this time?

Well, here's what happened:

• I watched a movie alone that I knew had racy parts in it. Why? Because I wanted to watch the movie. It was about soccer and I thought I would be able to handle it. Yeah, didn't happen did it...
• While watching the movie, instead of focusing on the story I focused on what one of the women in the movie was wearing. Her lingerie was definitely visible. Black lingerie has always been very triggering to me.
• Instead of turning the movie off and calling someone like I should have, I jumped into searching for a video. Found it. Watched it. Masturbated. Felt like crap. (You'd think that since I feel like crap every time I would be able to remember that...and avoid it? Nope...)

So, what am I going to do? I am going to call my sponsor right now, go to a group meeting tomorrow, and get back into doing all of my daily's. I have been seriously slacking on that and I can't do that.

Am I upset with myself? Yes...I am. I let my guard down today because I had gotten 30 days in a row of sobriety. However...I have pushed the line a couple times and it was getting more frequent. Ugh...gotta do better now!

This is my daily experience...and today is especially important. Feel free to comment in if you have any wise words...even if it isn't wise I would love to hear from you. I pray I can get 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful