Staying Positive

6 days sober:

Today I learned a lesson...again.  The amount of influence a positive mindset can have over my day as well as over the relationships that I have with others.  For the past few days I have only been thinking about the negative qualities that my girlfriend has.  I haven't been thinking about all of the positively wonderful qualities that she has.  The physical distance, about 10 hours has really taken a toll on me, and I haven't put a focus on remembering her good side as I should have. Until today.

Today, I called her up and told her that I loved her.  I wrote her a note on facebook in reply to a note she wrote me...and I day-dreamed about being married to her today for the first time in maybe a week.  And I am amazed at how much of a difference it has made in my feelings and thoughts towards her! Instead of focusing on what might happen while she is on her mission, I am focusing on what I want to happen when she gets back! I love that girl and can't wait until she and I can be married for eternity!

So, the key point from today? Stay positive. If it's hard then make an extra effort to be positive. Being positive is one of the main things that you can do in order to stay in recovery! Love others because you want to. It's a choice!

This is my daily check in, my experience of recovery, and also my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Making a Life of Recovery

5 days sober:

I attended a funeral today.  I didn't know those who had died...I was invited to play the violin for the graveside services.  I was related to them, but I had never met them or talked with them before.  While I was there, I was able to attend the funeral service inside the LDS Church, and the things that were said about the couple who had died were amazing! So inspiring!

As I listened I thought, "What will those who care say about me when I pass on?" So, I started pondering on what I would like them to say about me.  I want others to say that I was a man who was always true to his word, patient, thrifty, hardworking, happy, and totally devoted to his wife.  That was what really impressed me.  Those speaking always noted how devoted to his wife the man was.  Very impressive!

Those are my thoughts today and my desires.  This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Purpose in Recovery and Relapse

1 day sober:

Well, it's true...I relapsed yesterday.  It took me a whole day to admit it to myself.  I am so ashamed, but I am even more scared to tell me girlfriend, especially when she isn't here.  She is 10 hours away from me and I am afraid that if I told her then she would get really upset.  However, we have a deal that I am to tell her whenever it happens.  I was hoping the last time would be the last, but apparently not!

I can definitely see where I went wrong this time: I was alone when I was lonely.  I didn't call anyone.  I pushed the limits and my bottom lines (which I have been scared to set up and establish...I felt like they would limit the 'fun' I could have).  I wasn't reading from the scriptures every day.  I was sometimes praying.  Basically the only thing from my dailies (daily's?) I was doing was writing my blog posts.

So...today and yesterday have been probably some of the hardest days ever.  Aren't the days right after you act out the hardest?  The acceptance that has to come, the change in mind-set...everything changes in an instant when you act out.

I think I have found one of the reasons I have been complacent since my girlfriend left...I haven't really had a purpose in life other than making her happy.  So, this summer I am going to be looking for a purpose or a goal I can work towards; a direction I can find fulfillment from.

One thing I need to surrender is my frustration and my feelings of needing to control things.  I moved into a new apartment today and I haven't met my roommates yet...but there was one guy staying in the apartment of 4 guys and he had stuff everywhere! As I was moving my stuff in I kept thinking, "I just need my own place...I need to get married, so I have my own place and then I don't have to deal with people who have no clue about keeping a place clean."  Yeah...totally trying to control my environment. I need to stop it.

Well, this is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours...

-Grateful and Hopeful

Lost in Life

37 days sober:

This may sound cheesy, but I am lost without my girlfriend...I don't know what to do all day.  I just miss her.  We were together all the time! Except for at night and that was only from about 12 (midnight) until 7:30am! Yeah, it's pathetic...so needless to say I have been searching out things to do all day so that I don't act out or anything.  I had a very close call yesterday, but luckily I was able to focus on God and not act out!

I'm not quite sure how I am going to do a whole year and a half! I am going to have to find something to do! I can't just sit around or I'm going to go crazy!  I keep finding myself checking my phone looking for a text message from my girlfriend, getting on Facebook to check and see if she answered back to my message on there, checking my email to see if she has emailed me...checking everything and anything looking for any form of communication from her! Yeah...I'm going crazy!

Well, that is what I am struggling with today! Being lonely! Yes..H.A.L.T. I'm not keeping it...but it's hard to fill the void that is in my heart and life right now.  What makes it worse is I can't go work out or go for a run like I want to because of the surgery that I had on my ankle back in February! It's not good...I want to get out and run so badly right now!

Well, this is my daily check-in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Can I recover?

36 days sober:

My girlfriend left this morning for her home.  She lives 11 hours away from me, and in 4 weeks she leaves on her mission for the LDS Church.  I am super scared that I am going to lose my sobriety because I really miss her.  She has been one of the greatest strengths to me for my sobriety thus far...and I'm scared to see what will happen with her gone.  I guess this will really test whether or not I am in this for myself!

I am amazed at my automatic addict reaction to this situation though! All I want is to be by myself, look at some pornography, and masturbate...all day! For some reason I feel like that would make me feel a lot better...yeah right! I know for a fact that doing that would send me into such a tailspin out of recovery that I don't know if I would ever get back...

How am I going to get through today?

-Call someone if I need to
-Focus on studying for my last final
-Pray like crazy
-Study recovery material
-Clean my room (it really needs it!)
-in general, keep myself from being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

This is my plan!

This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Recovery with God

35 days sober:

I realized this morning that I am nothing without God...the only way I have gotten this much sobriety and recovery is solely because of the support and love of God.  There is no way I could have done this without him!

Daily prayer, service to others, reading His word in the scriptures...all of these have helped me to come this far.  I am glad and grateful!  I never want to fall again...and I know that with God that can become a reality!

This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Time of Recovery

34 days sober:

Today I am grateful for time.  Time is such a precious thing if you really think about it.  What else can we never get back if we waste it?

As I read in the Book of Mormon today (if you haven't read it, you totally should!) there was a prophet talking about why we are here on the earth.  He said, "For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God;  yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." (Alma 34:32)  If this life is the time for preparing to meet God, then what I have done with my life?  What have I done with my time?  Have I used it in an honorable way?  I haven't been perfect, but I also haven't been the worst person ever...however, I still have need to repent (a word that denotes a change of heart or of mind) and come closer to God.

The urge to connect and to know God is one of the greatest urges and desires that I have.  I can't wait until I see my Lord and Savior and recognize him.  This is why I want to be the best person I can be.

Today I am working on being content with my situation.  Usually if I feel like anything is out of place then I get worried, anxious, irritable, mad, angry, resentful, hungry, lonely, tired...all of the warning signs and attitudes that warn of a possible acting out episode.  I can't afford that! So, I am going to be content today...content with where I am in life, how I act, who I am with, how I feel towards others, etc.  I am not going to stop progressing, no...but I am going to acknowledge the things I cannot change and accept it.

Serenity Prayer (from SA and AA)
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Time is something that has been given to me...and I need to use it.  I cannot let it be the driving force in my life, I need to manage and control my portion of time.

This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

No Cheating in Recovery

33 days sober:

Today in church I heard something that really made me stop and think.  How do I go through life cheating myself of my full potential?  That was the essence of the discussion in church, and it really made me think about what I do in life halfheartedly or without the full diligence that I should.  Now as I sat down to think about what to write, I pondered how my recovery has gone when it was halfhearted recovery - it hasn't gone anywhere!

Any time my heart isn't really into recovery I don't make any progress.  Right now, I am dedicated to recovery because I can see the hope and joy that I will get from it.  I want my wife to feel comfortable with me and not wonder if I am cheating on her or anything...or for her to wonder if she is enough for me.  I want her to feel fulfilled and appreciated.  I want my kids to know a kind, loving father who is supportive, thoughtful, and every other good attribute that I could ever think of!

I am so grateful for my life.  I think the gratitude that I have been working on has really helped me to get this much sobriety.  I don't think I have had 33 days of recovery, but I am sure glad that I have this much sobriety so that I can have a lesser portion of the impulsiveness that is more prevalent when acting out.  I feel like I am slowly making progress in recovery.  I am inspired by this when I think of a scripture out of the Book of Mormon.  A prophet says, "Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold  I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." (Alma 37:6)  I know that as I keep moving forward, I will be able to reach my dreams.

This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Dreams - with Recovery

32 days sober:

Early this morning I got to take a final for school...and then afterward I stayed and talked with my teacher.  As I talked, I thought about my dreams.  I have several dreams that I hope to see come about in my life.

Dreams

• Own a ranch - raise horses, give my kids a good work ethic, be around nature
• Own a consulting business - do either financial consulting or marketing consulting in tandem with my dad's executive/business consulting business
• Be able to donate at least 10,000 a year to charity - be financially secure enough that I can donate a large amount of money to help others
• Learn 5 languages - Arabic, Italian, Russian, German, Spanish

 These are dreams that I am going to work towards and have come about in my life.

In reading a spiritual message this morning, one of the leaders of the LDS church said this about when he takes the sacrament (if you have any questions about this then please see mormon.org).  It gave me great hope for my life!

"I have found in that moment that God can give me what feels like a personal interview. He brings to my attention what I have done that pleases Him, my need for repentance and forgiveness, and the names and faces of people He would have me serve for Him."

This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Recovery becoming Normal

31 days sober:

Today's post is going to be short.  I read +Leo Babauta's post on Zenhabits.net about how "changing habits, at its core, is simply a process of changing what's normal for you."  This line resonated with me and it really put into perspective how much of a change recovery is.  If I let my life of recovery become normal to me, then the greater part of the struggle against lust is over.  The biggest thing is to make my dailies (daily's) become normal as well...that will ensure that my life is becoming to be a life of recovery.

I read an interesting definition of lust today as well:

  "Lust...is the result of being ungrateful for what you have and choosing to covet or burn with passion for something that is forbidden."
- The Love Dare

That makes me redefine many of the times when I think I have lusted and many of the times when I haven't thought I was lusting.

My life is one of constant learning and change.  That is good...it keeps me alive!

This is my daily check-in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Questions about Lust and Recovery

30 days sober!!!!

I met with one of my teachers today to ask him a couple questions.  He taught the Marriage Prep class that I took a year ago, and I really valued his advice.  Going into the meeting I was not aware that he is actually a marriage counselor...yeah, the questions that I had to ask were very much so along the lines of marriage!

The question I want to highlight here was, How can I maintain or grow my relationship with my girlfriend while she is on her mission for the LDS church?  For those who don't know, a mission for the LDS church is 2 years for the men, and 18 months for the women.  I have been concerned about how we are going to keep our love alive for each other, and so I decided to ask him and see if he had any advice.

I was pleasantly surprised at the praise and advice that he gave me! He advised me that this could be a time when we could grow together emotionally rather than physically like most people in the world do today.  I was intrigued by his ideas of making sure that the base of our intimacy triangle was a nice large section of emotional intimacy.  I guess I realized while he was talking that I really always wanted it to be that way.  This is probably going to be hard for me because I am the kind of guy that really feels love through the little touches and looks that my girl gives me throughout the day.  So, this will be a new growing experience for me and it will also give me time change and build a better base on my recovery.

Another thing that he reassured me of was the normalcy of the feelings and desires that I feel whenever I am with her.  I am built to have those desires, and only when I forget about the person behind the body or behind the intimacy (such as forgetting their likes, dislikes, etc.); only then are those desires bad.  It is totally normal to have desires to have sex and intimacy with someone of the opposite sex, but keeping in mind the person attached to the body is what will keep the lust from attacking my mind.

I learned so much from my teacher...and I am excited to be able to talk with him again!

This is my daily check in and this is me hoping for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Thoughtful Recovery

29 days sober:

Today's love dare deals with being thoughtful about the one I love.  Yeah...this is something that I have struggled with in the past 2 weeks. It seems like all of the dares so far have been focused at things I struggle with! Ha ha, I though this was going to be super easy because I felt like I love my girlfriend fairly well already.  Yeah, THAT was wrong!

The dare is actually:

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

This is just something that I don't think about! I guess that it why I'm being told to.  So far I haven't really done it...it's going to be something that I need to do though!

I am really enjoying and hating this Love Dare thing.  I hate it because it points out all of my flaws (as if I didn't already see enough that I need to change), but I love it because it is strengthening my resolve to become the best father and husband that I can be.  Also, I feel like it is giving me a way to connect with someone that I wouldn't have otherwise.

This is my daily check in and also me hoping for another 24 hours! Tomorrow is the big 30!!!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Value of Rest

28 days sober:

This morning I was amazed.  I was happy! Well, I wasn't annoyed at the things going on around me and that made me very happy!  As I sat and thought about why this morning was different from the rest of this past week I had an apostrophe (i mean an epiphany [can anyone name that movie?]).  I was able to sleep more than 6 hours last night!

So, I have come to this conclusion...I think I'm a bit of a mathematician because of it:

Sleep + daily's (dailies?) = good mood/contentment!

Imagine that eh?  Yeah, I felt like somewhat of a genius!

An addition to my dailies (daily's?) then is to get to bed at a decent time in order to get at least 7 hours of sleep a night!  ZenHabits.net had a great post about this awhile back and here is the link to it: Techniques for getting up

So, this is my check in for today and here's to hoping for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Patience in Recovery

27 days sober:

Yesterday my goal was to be patient...and I failed.  I guess that is better than slipping up and starting over with recovery, but I was not very patient with my girlfriend.  She hurt my feelings when she responded to something I said, and I let that stew in my mind for awhile until I had blown it all out of proportion.  When that happened, I started going back to all of the things she has done that I wasn't okay with and...basically I was fighting very unfairly.  Today I am going to do my best to make up for yesterday...we'll see how it goes!

By the way, the first dare in the 40 day Love Dare is to be patient with your spouse/significant other and to not say anything negative.  Yeah, didn't do so hot on that yesterday, but it's a good thing it's a new day! Today's dare is to not say anything negative as well as to do one unexpected gesture that demonstrates kindness.

Kindness is made up of:
-initiative
-gentleness
-helpfulness
-willingness

This is my goal today and this is my check-in.  I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Love Dare

26 days sober:

I watched a wonderful movie last night that really put my whole week into perspective.  It is called Fireproof.  If you haven't ever seen it, go watch it! It's on Netflix right now.

In the movie they introduce the concept of doing the Love Dare.  I don't have the opportunity to do all of the days with my girlfriend before she leaves, but this is definitely something I am going to do, and do often when I get married.  By the way...I asked my girlfriend if she would marry me and she said yes! Well, she agreed to marry me in 2 years...which is about when she gets back! So, we have an unofficial agreement and that makes me so happy!

If you have a chance, watch the movie Fireproof or read the book.  Also, jump on Amazon and buy the book The Love Dare.  Do it!

This is my daily-check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!

-Grateful and Hopeful

In the Fog of Recovery

25 days sober:

I can't believe it has already been 25 days! Wow...there sure have been ups and downs in those 25 days. 

Today my mind has been so clouded that it has been very hard at times to know what I want.  I couldn't remember why anyone would want recovery, and so I asked my girlfriend why she thought someone would want recovery.  She gave a wonderfully insightful answer!

"Well, aside from the spiritual benefits, I would think that it would be very freeing.  Recovery from any addiction is freeing.  And while real life might not be as great as the fantasies, I think I would much rather have a real relationship with someone who loves me than with someone who can never really satisfy my desires."

This really got me thinking about why I want recovery.  Why do I want to recover from this malady?  Here are the reasons that I thought of right off the bat:

1. To have a spiritual connection with God
2. To be free to choose for myself
3. To have the peace in my life that comes from knowing I am doing what is right
4. To love others and to feel love from others

I want peace.  I want love.  REAL love...not the counterfeit stuff we think we show others and receive from them.  I think I get love from my girlfriend, but I don't know for sure.  I hope so!

Something that gave me hope today: "Sometimes we were surrounded by beautiful vistas, at others, we were in a fog and saw nothing but the placing of one foot in from of the other as we trudged ahead." (SA White Book 78)  I'm in the fog looking for the vistas...but right now I just have to keep placing one foot in front of the other.  As long as I am on the road to recovery, moving forward, I am going to make it.  Even if it is an almost unmeasurable step, it is still a step forward.

Why do you want recovery?

This is my check in and here is me hoping for another day!

-Grateful and Hopeful
 

Plagued with Lust

24 days sober:

Today I have been plagued by lust.  It is 9:34 am and I already have lusted after my girlfriend.  She tried on a different outfit today and looks amazing! She is gorgeous and I'm shamed to say that I let myself check her out to see how her new outfit accentuated her body.  I know that is what we do as addicts to most women throughout the day, so you're probably thinking, "Why are you so worked up about something you do all the time?"  Well, I've done my best and been very successful at trying to never think about her in any degrading way.

Why the change today?  I only have theories right now...but I think our candid conversation last night about how we both desire the physical and emotional connection that would come through having sex really took me back.  While we didn't act on it at all and we both agreed that we need to keep our strict boundaries even more so now, my mind still subconsciously caught hold of that and said, "there's a chance!" Yeah...not so good for my mind.  I had dreams all night of fantasies that I have had coming true, and that didn't do much for my state of mind either.

So, today...my feelings are: I feel like I need some sort of physical and emotional action that will express the desires that I am feeling of lust.  I feel like I need to have someone lust after me and show me that lust.  I feel awful about those feelings.

What is my plan to get out of this mindset?  Here you go:
1. Finish this post
2. Decide to be happy (This comes from the Seven Decisions that Andy Andrews came up with)
3. Call someone I trust and talk it out
4. Study the SA White Book for 30 minutes
5. Take every opportunity to get outside myself and serve someone else

This is going to be done in the next 2 hours, well 1-4 will be and then 5 will be an ongoing thing for the rest of the day!

Just knowing that I have this plan helps me have a better attitude.  I know that God is helping me and blessing me.  The support from my girlfriend, not acquiescence, but support of my recovery is also a great help!

The biggest thing for me and getting over this, besides all of those others, has been to decide to act.  Surrender, turn my will over to God, and decide to be a positive force.  Deciding is the key!

This is my daily-check in and here's me hoping for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Application of Recovery

23 days sober:

I just want to reflect today on what it means to "practice these principles in all our affairs."  That comes from step 12 of the 12 Step of Sexaholics Annonymous in case you aren't familiar with it.

In a chat with one of my teachers today, we talked about how to extend the things we learn and realize into habits.  I thought about my dailies.  (or is is daily's?)  Right now, this is what is saving me and keeping me sober!

Reaching out to God every day (which I need to revamp right now), reading His words for me, talking to other members of SA, writing my thoughts and experiences down where others can see them...these are the things that are keeping me sober.

So how can I apply this into the other parts of my life?  Start adding to my daily's (dailies?).  Pick one thing that I learn about studying better and add it to my list of things I do every day. 

This is my daily check in and this is me hoping for another day!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Acceptance of others

22 days sober:

I read a quote today that I really started to think about.  Here is the quote:

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” – H Jackson Brown Jr.

I struggle with accepting others’ viewpoints and opinions.  If someone is not in line with what I think is right or allowed, I judge them a lot.  Reading this quote made me think about how even though someone may not see things the same way I do, I have no reason to make them feel like they don’t have a valid opinion.

I need to change how I interact with my girlfriend.  She and I grew up in very different areas and families.  She grew up with almost all of her extended family around her, aunts and uncles, grandparents and the like.  I grew up with just my immediate family around me, but still with some great monthly contact with extended family. 

We both had families that love each other and us, but where they differ is how involved in others’ lives they are.  Her family is very knowledgeable about what goes on, gets together for everything, and is together all the time.  I think that’s great by the way, not bashing it at all!  Mine is very conscious of space and personal issues.  Both of us will have adjusting to do in order to fit in with the others' family when we get married!

The basic message here is that I struggle with accepting others’ differing views.  I have a hard time saying, “yes, I will let your family be all up in my business.  I only have the fact that I am an addict to hide so as long as they are accepting of that then we’re fine and dandy!”  Yeah…that would not win any brownie points.

I need to get it through my head that my viewpoint is often very skewed and that others have good ideas and opinions.  Only after this will I be able to accept others.

This is my daily check in and I hope I can get another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Surrendering again

21 days sober:

Today I need to surrender my resentment at my girlfriend.  It seems like she is always on her phone when she is around me, texting her mom, her aunt, her friends.  I sometimes get resentful that she is talking with them and I realize that I am being selfish in wanting 100% of her time.  So, I'm going to take a step back from my skewed addict view and surrender my resentment.  It is totally fine if she talks with others.  In fact, I am happy that she has those relationships with her family members and with her friends! It does bring up a question in my mind of whether or not she is getting all of the satisfaction that she needs out of our relationship or if she is turning to those friends and family for something she isn't getting from me.  That is my addict self coming out though.

This is just so tranquil and beautiful!

Today is another day, this is my check in, and I am praying for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Power of Habit

20 days sober:

I have a lot of hope today! Have you ever had anything just click in your brain when you hear someone else talk?  Today in one of my classes we talked about a book called The Power of Habit.  A guy named Charles Duhigg wrote it and while I haven't read it, I did watch the following video.

I'm sharing it on here because I think that it has some great insights that could help me with my addiction as well as give others an understanding of WHY they do what they do.  Well, at least give them a framework that they can then use to figure out on their own why they do what they do. 

We use, as addicts different words, but the principles are the same! If we can find out what we truly are seeking as a reward for our acting out (which happens to be different for everyone and I haven't found out exactly what mine is yet...it has something to do with connecting with God and feeling love) then we will be able to figure out the cues (triggers) that prompt our routine (acting out).  I had some clear impressions about how I need to read this book and focus on learning the principles that he writes about in order to integrate it into my recovery.

Today I have hope.  I know it's temporary and I will have my hard times again, but at least for today I have hope.  That makes me happy!

This is my daily check-in and here's me hoping for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Lessons Learned

19 days sober:

Last night I had a little escapade where I almost lost my sobriety, but luckily I was able to control my emotions and let go of the temptation. 

I am a Mormon and we had the opportunity to listen to Prophets and Apostles yesterday.  In a session especially directed at the men of the Church, I heard the line, "You are not defined by your sins, but by your Divine Potential."  That hit me like a ton of bricks! I have been so saddened by the thought that for the rest of my life I am going to be a Recovering Sexaholic.  That is not totally right nor is it wholly wrong.  That will forever be part of me and part of my past, but my real identity is what the speaker then emphasized.  He said all of us Priesthood Brethren have four basic titles:

1. Son of Heavenly Father
2. Disciple of Jesus Christ
3. Healer of Souls
4. Heir to all that God has

As I go throughout my day today, I am going to try to have all of these titles in mind and emulate the examples of my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ.  Thinking about them more throughout each day will grow the connection between them and me.  This will help me overcome this addiction.

This is my daily check in and this is me hoping for another 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

My Struggles Today

18 days sober:

I want to write today a little bit about my feelings and my struggles.

I am doing pretty well in the SA program.  I'm working on my First Step Inventory, I have a Sponsor, I have an accountability partner...from the outside I'm sure it looks great and I probably need to give myself credit for what I HAVE done, but I'm still feeling a disconnect.  I feel like I am still missing the point.  I'm struggling with resentment, I'm having a hard time not looking at girls like objects, and I just feel very discouraged.  I was hoping that with a Sponsor I would at least get some hope in my life, but I feel like it has gotten only more difficult.  Maybe that is what I am supposed to overcome, but I wish it wasn't so hard.  Each day it seems like I find another character flaw that I need to work on.  I prayed for God to help me realize how unmanageable my life is, so maybe this is what I get! Ha ha, let's see how this plays out.

Overall I am struggling.  I feel like I don't have as big of a testimony of the LDS Church anymore and I feel like I can't articulate what I know, if anything.  Today and tomorrow are going to be great opportunities for me and the other members of the LDS faith to listen to our Prophets and Apostles.  I have a couple questions on my mind and I really hope I can receive some answers from God through His chosen servants.  These are the questions:

-Is the Church true?
-How can I gain a stronger testimony?
-How can I overcome my character defects?
-How can I selflessly love? or What can I do to have charity in my life?

This is my check in and this is my life.  I hope it helps someone!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Sharing My Time

17 days sober:

Today I am having a really hard time coming to grips with my girlfriend's family being in town.  We are going to be spending the weekend with them and I am scared at my reaction to it.  When I went up to where they live to meet them I had to spend the nights up there sleeping at my girlfriend's grandparent's house because her parents didn't want me staying there at the house.  Also, her dad has a real problem with me and her showing each other affection.  We don't make out or kiss in front of them, but when I had my arm around her shoulder he was going on about how we were all over each other.  Basically I feel like his standards are ridiculous and out-dated.  I feel restricted by him and I feel like he has forgotten what it was like when he was in love with his wife.  I also feel a bit of distrust and disapproval.

So, going into this weekend with those feelings, I am under the impression that my girlfriend and I are going to have to not touch each other and not be able to show each other the small tokens of love that we usually do like putting our hands on the other's knee to let them know that we are thinking about them, scratching backs while sitting next to each other, and just plain cuddling.  I imagine us sitting there about a foot apart just to please him.  It's eating me and I am feeling some serious resentment! Agh...I hate it because I want to like them and be happy around them I just feel restricted and I hate it.

I guess this is my surrender?  I just need to let go of the resentment and realize that her parents are new at this kind of thing.  My girlfriend is their oldest child and I am getting worn out by the whole, "she's growing up and we've forgotten what it is like to be at that stage."  Yeah...I have some serious resentment building right now.  I need to make a call and get outside my head.

This is my check-in and I hope I can make it through the day.

-Grateful and Hopeful

My Listening Experience

16 days sober:

Today I have 3 things to write about: a note from my girlfriend that made my day, the sound of birds early in the morning, and the sound of freedom.  This is just some of the thoughts that I had as I went throughout the day.  I learned the importance of pausing and recognizing God's hand in my life and I hope I never forget it.

I'm gonna start off with the sound of birds since this was the earliest one that I realized.  I had to be at school early this morning...7 am.  Yeah, it's a good thing I was there that early because I realized I hadn't finished an assignment that was due at 8! That's another story.  I am a gimp right now, I had ankle surgery and am on one of those cool knee scooters that people have now. That also is another story.  Today, I want to focus on what I heard as I was zooming across the deserted school campus in the cool, crisp morning.  I heard a bird singing in a tree right next to the path that I was on so I stopped for a couple moments to just relax and listen.  It was so soothing! I don't normally do this, but this morning I really recognized the importance of stopping and relaxing during the day.

The next thing I noticed this morning was while I was checking in on the phone with my accountability partner.  Each morning on campus there is a detail from the ROTC that raises the flag.  The American National anthem is played on all the campus speakers so that you can hear it anywhere.  As I listened subconsciously to the music I reflected on the freedom that I have in this country.  Even with all the problems that seem to be so large, the United States of America is a wonderful country and I am proud to be a citizen!  I have been very blessed by God to be in this country my whole life!

A note from my girlfriend today really put my last couple months into perspective.  She expressed her love and then, with an outsider's view, she mentioned a couple of the things that I have improved on while in recovery.  She mentioned how much peace and strength it gives her and I was very humbled.  I have been so focused on the defects in my life that I wasn't giving myself credit for the good things.  Having her in my life has been such a strength and a blessing...I love her for it and can't wait until we are married for eternity in an LDS temple through the priesthood of God!

This is my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Here's a great video that can give one hope:
http://overcomingpornography.org/individuals/recovery-stories/video/meet-troy?lang=eng

Today's Recovery

15 days sober:

This morning I reached another milestone; I followed advice from my Sponsor and arranged to have an accountability partner.  I called another person this morning with whom I had previously agreed to call and then did the following:

1. Committed to stay sober for the next 24 hours
2. Surrendered my right to act out today
3. Arranged a time tomorrow to call

It is amazing how much this has helped me today.  I am accountable to someone! When I call him tomorrow morning I am going to have to report on my commitment and he's going to report on his.  I feel a great burden lifted off my shoulder.  Any experiences with accountability partners out there?

Another thing that has been on my mind...my room-mate.  I have lived with him for the past 6 months, known him for about 2 years now, and wow...I am fed up and shouldn't be! I just can't get over the fact that he whistles all the time, hums incessantly, and if I am ever studying for school in my apartment he is singing at the top of his lungs to songs that I can't hear because he has his earbuds in. 

Yeah...it's a little annoying and yet, I can't get upset with him.  He has come from a different background and family than me and he has his right to do what he wants.  I do feel like he is inconsiderate, but I shouldn't get upset with him to the point of never wanting to talk with him again.  Last night I was very tired and he asked me if it was okay if he wrote in his journal in our room with the light on while I was trying to sleep.  I am glad he asked me...it really shows that he does think about others' well-being sometimes.  I am sad that I wasn't more gracious in my reply to him.  I said, "Is there any way you could write out in the main room?  I'm exhausted and need to sleep."  Any ideas on how I could have handled that better?

Now, I surrender any resentment I felt this morning or last night, as well as any guilt or shame that I felt from my actions.  I commit to being better and more considerate in MY actions because those are the only ones that are even barely under my control.  As I turn my life over to God I need to first have a base life of charity so that he can build a mansion of love and righteousness.

This is my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Lesson of Recovery

14 days sober:

Last night I had a wonderful conversation with my girlfriend and she helped me realize many different things. The biggest thing, the one that I want to focus on in my post today, is that while I do service for others and I feel like I do this relatively selflessly...I am not very good at thinking about others.  These are things I have noticed with this character defect in my life: Self-centeredness

• I don't do very well with remembering things that are important to others
• I am very unwilling to consider others' positions in discussions
• I don't compromise very well...I do what I think is compromising, but really it is just convincing the other person to see my point of view as viable
• I don't think about the consequences that my actions are going to have on others around me

Having heard this and having thought about this all day, I realize that I need to do something about this.  Somehow, I need to learn to focus on the people around me.  I need to value what they value and see what they see.  I especially need to apply this in my relationship with my girlfriend.  I worry about not thinking of her after we are married and now I realize that I don't think about her much as it is! Ha ha, yeah, gotta work on that pronto!

My plan for thinking of others is going to start with my girlfriend.  I will write down things that she tells me that she values.  When we're about to go out and she says that we need to do something sometime I need to just stop, write it down, and then plan on making it come about.  I want her to be happy...and I don't want to have any expectations that I will get something in return.  I am ready for this addiction to stop affecting every part of my life and for the character defects that I have to slowly be healed.  That is my quest!

This is my check in for today and I'll take another 24 hours. 

-Grateful and Hopeful

Core Values in my life of Recovery

13 days sober:

I missed a couple days of writing on here...I really need to do better with that! I mean, I can't start slacking on my dailies!
Today I have been on what core values I have or want to have in my life.  I was in a class in school and my teacher started sharing hers with us.  Here goes!

The Values I Have:

• Determination - When I decide to do something I really decide to do it!
• Patience - I have quite a good base of patience in my life.  Whenever I am NOT patient is when I choose to not be.
• Communication - I am a good communicator and can get across the message that I want others to understand.
• Family as the Center - I view my family as the center of my life.  I have much more to learn about how to fully make my future family the center and to truly love others, but I want 

The Values I Want:

• Integrity - to a certain degree I have integrity, but I still feel like I am overcoming my tendency to lie from when I was younger.  I want my word to be a contract with others and for others to have no reason to mistrust me.
• Resilience - I want to be able to bounce back from failure and disappointment when it comes my way.
• Authenticity - I want to wear one hat.  I want others to see ME.  This is especially difficult for an addict.
• Devotion - I want the LDS religion to be the center of my life.  I want to pattern my life after what God asks me to do.

I realize that all my life I am going to struggle with different aspects of my character and love.  I do know that starting early right now is going to give me a great base in my Recovery.  As long as I stick with it!

I have been struggling to day with remembering past escapades with girls and fantasizing about what could have happened.  I surrender that now!

This my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful