1 day sober:
Well, it's true...I relapsed yesterday. It took me a whole day to admit it to myself. I am so ashamed, but I am even more scared to tell me girlfriend, especially when she isn't here. She is 10 hours away from me and I am afraid that if I told her then she would get really upset. However, we have a deal that I am to tell her whenever it happens. I was hoping the last time would be the last, but apparently not!
I can definitely see where I went wrong this time: I was alone when I was lonely. I didn't call anyone. I pushed the limits and my bottom lines (which I have been scared to set up and establish...I felt like they would limit the 'fun' I could have). I wasn't reading from the scriptures every day. I was sometimes praying. Basically the only thing from my dailies (daily's?) I was doing was writing my blog posts.
So...today and yesterday have been probably some of the hardest days ever. Aren't the days right after you act out the hardest? The acceptance that has to come, the change in mind-set...everything changes in an instant when you act out.
I think I have found one of the reasons I have been complacent since my girlfriend left...I haven't really had a purpose in life other than making her happy. So, this summer I am going to be looking for a purpose or a goal I can work towards; a direction I can find fulfillment from.
One thing I need to surrender is my frustration and my feelings of needing to control things. I moved into a new apartment today and I haven't met my roommates yet...but there was one guy staying in the apartment of 4 guys and he had stuff everywhere! As I was moving my stuff in I kept thinking, "I just need my own place...I need to get married, so I have my own place and then I don't have to deal with people who have no clue about keeping a place clean." Yeah...totally trying to control my environment. I need to stop it.
Well, this is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours...
-Grateful and Hopeful
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