A conversation with my father

4 days sober:

I messed up Monday. I jumped on Netflix, watched a movie I have watched in the past for getting my drug, went and masturbated...and then I felt awful! I was at 7 days and in 15 minutes I blew that streak. Not that I am upset about the number of days per say, but I am upset that I blew away the peace that has been on my mind. That peace comes for me when I have good recovery...and usually it takes about 7 days of sobriety to get good recovery. I've often heard SA members say that recovery is all about quality, not quantity. I try to keep that in mind as I go through my ups and downs. It feels like my 47 days of sobriety was a dream. I can't imagine having that much right now!

Now I am feeling almost like I was on Monday. Well, before my slip-up. I feel hopeful, grateful, connected in a small way with God...and its wonderful! I am loving it! Why do I feel this way? What makes the difference?

Prayer

I have really been reaching out to God for the last couple days, pleading with my Father in Heaven to lift me and strengthen me. I believe He can do it. I want Him to do it. I want to turn my every thought and action into whatever He wants them to be. My honest conversations with Him have made the difference the last couple days. At least, that is what I believe is happening and helping.

Also, yesterday I went to lunch with my dad and one of his old business friends. That was very fun and I loved being with them. After lunch me and my dad talked a little bit about how he has dealt with this addiction in his life and he offered some advice of things he has learned. I found them all very helpful and I found that I have even been guided to try some of those things myself.

Disconnection is one of the greatest evils in my life. I think this is true for most addicts, but since I only have lived my life, I only know about my own life! Imagine that huh? Anyway, I noticed this morning as I got up and started my day...something was just off. I wasn't sure what. Ok, maybe it was because I was just sitting on my couch watching Burn Notice...yeah, that might be part of it. However, what really makes me feel disconnected from society? Not quite sure.

For now, this is me. This is my experience. Feel free to comment on any of these posts. It can be done anonymously!

This is my daily check in and this is my reaching out to others. I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful