A Day Reading

12 days sober:

Today was a very interesting day...I spent basically the whole day reading. I am on vacation with my family, and we spent most of the day in cars driving around looking at scenery. I am reading the Wheel of Time series right now and actually just finished the eleventh book today! So, I only have 3 more left until I get to the end of the series. That isn't what I want to write about!

How did I feel today after reading all day? Unfulfilled. I felt like I should have been enjoying the scenery with my family instead of sticking my nose in a book all day. We drove through some wonderful country today and I missed almost all of it because I was so involved in my book! (it was a great book in my defense) I'm nervous because I isolated myself all day and with that isolation comes a feeling of being unloved. Feeling unloved is what sometimes sets me right on the edge...ready to fall over and act out! So...I need to make sure I get some good rest tonight so that I can focus on being around others tomorrow and on building my relationship with my Heavenly Father (God) a bit more. Tomorrow is the Sabbath and I want to spend the whole day worshiping Him. It is His day after-all.

So...what is the take away? Know what you are feeling. Learn to recognize the feelings you are having and learn to analyze your situation. Once you understand more of what brings you to the edge of acting out, then you'll be able to start watching out for those situations/moods/feelings. But, that is like plucking leaves off a tree and saying you are cutting it down. The real heart of my problem is the reward I am looking for. The one I haven't identified yet and that I am searching for. I don't know what drives me to watch others having sex and then imagining myself having sex with someone while masturbating. (Sorry for the graphic content) This is something I will be pondering tomorrow. I have a couple ideas, but I really want to spend some time in conversation with God in order to really discern why I do what I do.

This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful