Hit Bottom Again

30 minutes sober:

Well, I just messed up again.  I hate the separation that comes between me and God (I'm sure it's put there by my own mind) and also the distance that I put between me and those around me that I love.

Here's what led up to this one:
-I wasn't calling my sponsor
-I haven't been calling my accountability partner
-I haven't been studying recovery material
-I haven't been having sincere prayer throughout the day
-I have been staying up late
-I got in an argument with my girlfriend where I was sharing my concerns and fears, getting upset, tired, hungry, and I didn't feel like she was listening to me or considering my views even though I felt like I was right.
-I wanted to feel good
-I feel like I don't have anything to do in life right now

As you can see, the list is large...so it's no wonder that I messed up! Ugh...I hate myself so much when I do this! I can't seem to get this under control...no, that is exactly right! I cannot get his under control! I have to surrender my will and life over to God...I have to let my Heavenly Father, who loves me and wants what is best for me to guide my life!

I have been studying about the foundation that I should have in life in order to have the strength to do what I need. That foundation is something that I have pounded to dust and I need to start rebuilding...but I can only rebuild this with God.  He alone can help me with this.  I need His Son's Atonement in my life...I need to be redeemed from the sins that I have committed!  I need to return to God.

This is my experience...and this is my daily check in! I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful