My Best Recovery

1 day sober:

Yeah, I messed up last night. I talked on the phone late with my girlfriend, then when I got off the phone I realized I hadn't posted on here yet, so I decided to jump on the internet. I was the only person up in my apartment, the blinds were closed on the window, and it was late. I was tired. I tried to get on to write the post (and somewhere in the back of my mind I was like, hmm...I wonder if they have videos of such-and-such online. Of course they do! It's the freakin' internet!) but the internet wasn't working. So, I worked with it to get it working. I kept telling myself that I was working so hard on it for about 30 minutes so that I could get on and write my recovery post, but come on. I didn't have that much drive to write the post...I was wrestling with the internet so that I could jump on and look at porn!

I eventually got the internet working...and the first thing I did was open up a tracking-free window and look up what I was thinking about. Of course they had videos of that...and of course once I saw that they did I had to watch it! Such a stupid rationalization! "Oh, I'll just jump on and see if they have videos of this...not that I'm going to watch it, I just want to know!" Yeah right, they should give tickets for lying to yourself.

Anyway...I ended up looking at some porn and masturbating...it made me feel like such a low-down jerk. I didn't even end up writing the post either! When I got up this morning I realized I was scared to tell my girlfriend, my accountability partner, and my sponsor. I was scared that they would try to shame me even more than I already have myself, and also I was afraid that my girlfriend would get angry and not talk to me. She has every right to, I just get afraid that she is going to. So far I have told the first two (backwards, I know) and I am planning on calling my sponsor right after I finish this post. And my girlfriend actually took it pretty well! I was surprised! Pleasantly!

As I honestly looked at myself...I realized that 1) I cannot control this addiction as much as I try...I really do have to give everything over to God, and 2) I have not been doing my best. I have been slacking on my dailies (daily's?). I have been taking street drinks...looking at girls that are around me that are slightly immodest, and that has been killing me!

So, new resolve to work hard each day on material for me and my dad's business and to really put my whole heart and soul into my recovery. I am going to make it to 3 meetings a week. I have decided!

This is my daily check-in and my experience. I hope I can get another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful