Fables

10 days sober:

Well, I just had a close call! I looked up some things on the internet and...well, I didn't end up finding anything related to that topic (videos or pictures of porn so that I could masturbate to something). So, I technically still have my sobriety, but I don't feel super recovered.

On that note, one thing I realized today was that...with God anything is possible. With God I can wait 18 months for the girl of my dreams to return. On my own I will lose sight of what I was waiting for, I will let my hormones take over, I will go out and find girls that are loose with themselves and willing to open up...there are a lot of things I could do. But, I am not going to!

With God I can recover. Tonight I pushed the line and I am still in danger of it...but the minute I reached out to God after looking at the stories of people online I was comforted and strengthened. Not really anything spectacular...at least in this instance, but it was just a little bit of strength. Kind of God saying to me, "I'm here for you if you want to turn to me and let me help you." Very reassuring!

With God I can learn the things I want to know and experience the things I want to experience. I want to gain a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ...gain such a testimony that I won't be shaken. I want to experience what it means to have my foundation based on the rock of my Redeemer. What does that feel like? 

Some of the things I read tonight were disturbing and got me thinking a bit...and not about things that would be beneficial to my spirituality. Why does it seem like everyone who is out there is having a lot of fun? Why does it seem like those who have sex and just party around are having a lot of fun? My hormones (my body) yearn for that kind of release and fun...but I have to remember that I am not down here on earth to let my physical body run the show. I am here so that my spiritual body, my spirit, can learn how to utilize and control my physical body.

I would love to answer the ads on Craigslist and have sex with women every night. I would probably get really messed up too! I know that isn't really what I want though. Any time I have gotten close to having sex with a girl (yes, it felt wonderful and I wanted to go further all the time) the pain that followed was so much that it made me not want that for a brief time.

"I'm now to the point that I'm not willing to trade a moment of pleasure for a lot of pain." - SA Sponsor

One of the things I am afraid of now is of what my mindset with be like when I get married. Will I be ok with having sex with my wife? What kinds of sex are ok? Is it ok for her to stimulate me? Is it ok for me to stimulate her? These are questions I have that I have no clue how to get answers to. I am scared that I will be repulsed by having sex with my wife and that I will be messed up for a long time to come!

Well this is my daily check in...and this is my experience. If you have any answers for me, please be judicious about it! I hope and pray I can make it another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful