Yes, I acted out tonight. I got done watching The Fast and The Furious, jumped on Facebook, saw a picture of a naked girl coming out of the water (she was far enough out of the water to see most of her breast, but not far enough to see the nipple...you know, really teasingly close? Just far enough to imagine that she had no clothes on. Yeah, that much) and that set me off. So, I jumped to a protected browser, found a video that I wanted to watch and started watching it. I then got up and went to the bathroom to masturbate. End of story.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why can't I simple embrace the life of peace and harmony? What is the reward I am looking for? My life really is out of control. I can't stand this up and down...this path of hope and dreams, and then slamming back down to the bottom of a canyon. As I sat here thinking about what to do...and what I did, I realized that I really have been slack on the things I know I should be doing each day.
- Calling my Accountability Partner each day to report is KEY! How can I make sure that I do this? Set an alarm for the time when I should be calling him? Maybe that would work...I just don't know! It's worth a shot!
- Studying recovery material...gotta do it! I have not studied recovery material for awhile now...I don't even remember when the last time was that I picked up the White Book and studied it. Or read it...
- Calling and talking to my Sponsor. I just don't talk to him and I should. I really need to so that I can keep my humility. Without calling and talking to him I am isolating myself and setting up for another fall.
- Not using my computer alone in my room. I used the excuse of not wanting to bother my roommate who was studying...I used that for being in my room with my computer alone. With the lights off. Facing away from the door. Yeah, all of those scream out, "Hey stupid! Just jump on the internet and look up stuff that makes you feel good for a couple minutes but will ultimately destroy your soul!" Its that kind of stuff that I just am smart enough to be dumb about.
Oh, I guess one bright point in today is that I got my copy of The Power of Habit! Yay! Now I can read about how to pinpoint exactly what I am looking for in my reward! Ultimately the only one that can really tell me is my Heavenly Father though...without God I am nothing and I know nothing.
This is my experience today...and I hope and pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
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