4 days sober:
I walked out of my room today to see the worst thing today...and the worst part about it was inside my head I thought, "AWESOME!" I walked out of my room today to see 3 people swimming in the pool outside my apartment. Nothing bad about that right? Well, the only bad part was that one of the girls didn't have a swimming suit. She was just wearing her bra and a pair of boxers. I froze when I saw her...I didn't know how to react! I sat down on the couch to work on a website, but I realized that I could still see them. I did my best to not look or stare at her, but they were making a lot of noise and I happened to glance over.
What can I do when things like this happen? I should have just gone back in my room and called someone to talk it out...but I didn't. I need to set those automatic reactions in my mind as something that will just happen...no matter what!
So...am I going to reset my sobriety? I think not. I couldn't control her being out there and I did try to not look at her...the scariest part is that I enjoyed looking at her. From a very sensual part of me, but a part that still liked it.
I don't want that. I know that I need to be attracted to the girl that I marry...but is there any way that I can only be attracted to her and no-one else? That would be so nice...
Anyway...to get the image out of my brain I am going to say a long prayer for help, read a scripture, and then start working hard-core on my job!
-Grateful and Hopeful
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