Thoughts during a relapse

4 days sober:

I had a revelation Sunday night after my relapse. Well, it was actually right in the middle of it. This is the email I sent myself after my relapse: (Some of the words and terminology I use are common amongst members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I will try to explain what might not be understood)

"As I watched the porn video tonight I identified a different feeling. I've had this before while watching, but I never was able to identify what it was I was feeling. Tonight I think I understand better.
As I watched two women going at it and one being stimulated to orgasm I felt, very clearly, a strong aversion. In other words, I felt like it was wrong to watch that video. I don't think it was because I was breaking the Law of Chastity (a commandment from God that says not to have any sexual relations except between husband and wife), but because the act I was witnessing is such a sacred act that there shouldn't ever be videos made of it for others to view let alone it ever being put to film.
I think it is very interesting how I feel this now. I think I am starting to understand what Elder Holland meant when he gave the talk, Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. (This was a talk that an Apostle gave at Brigham Young University) The power to create is so sacred and holy that I should only share it with the one special person with whom I am going to be married and sealed to for all eternity. (In the holy temples we build we are able to perform certain ordinances that will seal a husband and wife together so they will be married for all time here on earth as well as for the eternities after we die)
Now, how can I remember this from day to day so I can keep myself clean for her?
Print this off and read it each morning? Expound on it each day?
Pray for the ability to remember these feelings each day?
I need to do this each day though. I can feel that this realization is important for my recovery. I am grateful God was able to touch my heart tonight. Very grateful."

I have thought about this experience the last couple days. I have thought about it a lot...and it actually saved me this morning. I got up because of a truck that was working outside my window (very noisy, couldn't keep sleeping) and then had the thought, "I really don't want to call my accountability partner today." WARNING!!!! Yeah, I'm supposed to call him when I am done with this post, but I am so glad I was blessed with the presence of mind to notice the danger sign. Last night I was in danger as well, but I was able to go to an SA group meeting and then spend time with my girlfriend so I wasn't tempted to look at porn or anything.

I guess the focus of my post is having a clear presence of mind. Mine started Sunday night and I am very grateful for that. It isn't staying with me all the time...I have to work at it. I can't expect my mind to stay clear all the time because the tracks in my mind I paved while in the depths of my addiction are still very accessible.I can't just glide...I have to actively work to be in tune, or to have a connection with God.

I am grateful for this experience. I commit to being sober for the next 12 and 1/2 hours (until 12 am at which point I will be in bed asleep). This is my daily experience and this is my hope for recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful