4 days sober:
I messed up Monday. I jumped on Netflix, watched a movie I have watched in the past for getting my drug, went and masturbated...and then I felt awful! I was at 7 days and in 15 minutes I blew that streak. Not that I am upset about the number of days per say, but I am upset that I blew away the peace that has been on my mind. That peace comes for me when I have good recovery...and usually it takes about 7 days of sobriety to get good recovery. I've often heard SA members say that recovery is all about quality, not quantity. I try to keep that in mind as I go through my ups and downs. It feels like my 47 days of sobriety was a dream. I can't imagine having that much right now!
Now I am feeling almost like I was on Monday. Well, before my slip-up. I feel hopeful, grateful, connected in a small way with God...and its wonderful! I am loving it! Why do I feel this way? What makes the difference?
Prayer
I have really been reaching out to God for the last couple days, pleading with my Father in Heaven to lift me and strengthen me. I believe He can do it. I want Him to do it. I want to turn my every thought and action into whatever He wants them to be. My honest conversations with Him have made the difference the last couple days. At least, that is what I believe is happening and helping.
Also, yesterday I went to lunch with my dad and one of his old business friends. That was very fun and I loved being with them. After lunch me and my dad talked a little bit about how he has dealt with this addiction in his life and he offered some advice of things he has learned. I found them all very helpful and I found that I have even been guided to try some of those things myself.
Disconnection is one of the greatest evils in my life. I think this is true for most addicts, but since I only have lived my life, I only know about my own life! Imagine that huh? Anyway, I noticed this morning as I got up and started my day...something was just off. I wasn't sure what. Ok, maybe it was because I was just sitting on my couch watching Burn Notice...yeah, that might be part of it. However, what really makes me feel disconnected from society? Not quite sure.
For now, this is me. This is my experience. Feel free to comment on any of these posts. It can be done anonymously!
This is my daily check in and this is my reaching out to others. I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
I'm a Mormon and love it
7 days sober:
Yesterday I attended a special broadcast for the LDS Church (Mormon Church) and was totally blown away by the feelings I had while I was there. After realizing yesterday that I need to get out and talk to people more I was really excited to attend this broadcast. As the Church of Jesus Christ we as members are called to take the Lord's gospel to all the world. We are called to share this gospel with our friends and neighbors and really do our best to be good friends and neighbors to all those around us.
Also, we have missionaries who are called to preach the gospel full-time. The boys, who are called around age 18, serve a mission for 2 years and girls, who are called around age 19, serve a mission for 18 months or a year and a half. I myself served a mission when I was 19 and returned from that mission about 2 years ago. It was one of the most wonderful and hardest times of my life. I loved every minute of it though!
When I heard the message at the broadcast that members and missionaries are supposed to work together more I felt really good about that! So, in keeping with yesterday's post, I am going to go out and try to make as many friends as I can so I can share the wonderful gospel with them. Not that I am going to make friends with them just to share the gospel with them, but I am going to make friends and then share the gospel with them because I love them.
This is making me excited and I can't wait to get out and talk with people!
So, this is my daily check in and these are my hopes and dreams. I want to surround myself with those that I love...and I want to love those who are around me. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday I attended a special broadcast for the LDS Church (Mormon Church) and was totally blown away by the feelings I had while I was there. After realizing yesterday that I need to get out and talk to people more I was really excited to attend this broadcast. As the Church of Jesus Christ we as members are called to take the Lord's gospel to all the world. We are called to share this gospel with our friends and neighbors and really do our best to be good friends and neighbors to all those around us.
Also, we have missionaries who are called to preach the gospel full-time. The boys, who are called around age 18, serve a mission for 2 years and girls, who are called around age 19, serve a mission for 18 months or a year and a half. I myself served a mission when I was 19 and returned from that mission about 2 years ago. It was one of the most wonderful and hardest times of my life. I loved every minute of it though!
This is making me excited and I can't wait to get out and talk with people!
So, this is my daily check in and these are my hopes and dreams. I want to surround myself with those that I love...and I want to love those who are around me. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Friends are valuable...more so than gold!
6 days sober:
Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!
So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!
So, that is my experience today. Friends give me a way to focus on others...and keep my attention away from myself. I hope it won't be in a negative way, but in a way that will help me to change the way I am and a way to help me be better. Also, friends provide a nice way to satisfy my craving of wanting to be loved and accepted. This is a much healthier way than turning to Porn or Masturbation!
This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!
So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!
This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Friday, June 21, 2013
A night free from my computer
4 days sober:
Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!
I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!
I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.
I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.
This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!
I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!
I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.
I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.
This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
B.L.A.S.T. and H.A.L.T.
(My Post from yesterday)
3 days sober:
Well, I have a lot of warning signs coming at me today. I stayed up pretty late last night talking with a girl and then talking with my roommates. I then got up early to work with my dad on a business...so now I am tired. I noticed as I worked with him I was getting quite annoyed. I also noticed (with loud hints from my stomach) that I had not eaten up to that point. Hungry ... Annoyed (Angry) ... Tired ... hmmm! Sounds like H.A.L.T! That is one of the warning mechanisms that we have in SA.
What do I do now? How do I stop the slide downhill? Here's the steps I've thought of right now:
Here is a description of the acronyms:
Hungry Bored
Angry Lonely
Lonely Angry
Tired Stressed
Tired
This is my experience today and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 days sober:
Well, I have a lot of warning signs coming at me today. I stayed up pretty late last night talking with a girl and then talking with my roommates. I then got up early to work with my dad on a business...so now I am tired. I noticed as I worked with him I was getting quite annoyed. I also noticed (with loud hints from my stomach) that I had not eaten up to that point. Hungry ... Annoyed (Angry) ... Tired ... hmmm! Sounds like H.A.L.T! That is one of the warning mechanisms that we have in SA.
What do I do now? How do I stop the slide downhill? Here's the steps I've thought of right now:
- Call someone and let them know - if I let someone know I am having a struggle then somehow it takes a great weight off my shoulders of having to bear it alone. Also, they usually have an idea of what I can do next.
- Take a nap - If I am tired...maybe I need to just take a 15 to 20 min nap. In the past when I have done this I have felt a lot better after doing this, and then the H in H.A.L.T. is taken care of!
- Eat something - Its a simple matter of taking care of my body. I am hungry, so I should eat! I've been really lax in eating these last couple days because I am going into surgery in a couple days, so I have kind of built up an extended hunger period.
- Smile - I have found this changes my attitude - even when I am tired and hungry - faster than anything else. Smiling, and doing my best to keep a positive mindset brings my spirits up and makes it a lot easier for other people to be around me.
Here is a description of the acronyms:
Hungry Bored
Angry Lonely
Lonely Angry
Tired Stressed
Tired
This is my experience today and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Mapping it all out: life, recovery, and work
2 days sober:
This morning I sat down to work on my latest work project and I realized I didn't know exactly how the process would flow and work. I knew what the different parts were, but I hadn't taken the time to sit down and write it all out. So, I did just that! I sat down, made a mind map for the process I am working on, and then identified the different parts I needed to work on.
The more I think about this, the more I notice how this can apply to life. I have certain long range goals like getting married, having kids, having enough money to be comfortable as well as help others, be faithful in my church callings, and eventually live with God again (If you have any questions about Mormon's beliefs on this I invite you to visit mormon.org and search out Eternal Life). These are my goals...but how am I going to get there? Why do I want these things? What will I do every year, month, day, in order to see these goals come to fruition?
This goes along with recovery from my addiction as well. I have a long range goal of 6 months sobriety. What am I doing today to reach that? How am I acting today that will influence what happens tomorrow? How am I taking "One day at a time," as the SA program talks about, in order to keep on track to my goal? Why do I even want this?
I need to overcome my laziness and remember the long perspective of things. One thing we talk about in my church is having an Eternal Perspective. That means we try to remember how everything in this life fits into the Plan of Happiness God has set up for us. I invite you to check out our beliefs if you don't already know what we believe. I find great comfort in the teachings of the Prophets and Apostles and I know my life is better for living the Gospel.
What a wonderful insight I had today...I am very grateful for it! I pray I will be able to get another 24 hours of sobriety and I pray my experience will help someone else. This is my daily check in. I commit to being sober for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 Things I am grateful for today:
This morning I sat down to work on my latest work project and I realized I didn't know exactly how the process would flow and work. I knew what the different parts were, but I hadn't taken the time to sit down and write it all out. So, I did just that! I sat down, made a mind map for the process I am working on, and then identified the different parts I needed to work on.
This goes along with recovery from my addiction as well. I have a long range goal of 6 months sobriety. What am I doing today to reach that? How am I acting today that will influence what happens tomorrow? How am I taking "One day at a time," as the SA program talks about, in order to keep on track to my goal? Why do I even want this?
I need to overcome my laziness and remember the long perspective of things. One thing we talk about in my church is having an Eternal Perspective. That means we try to remember how everything in this life fits into the Plan of Happiness God has set up for us. I invite you to check out our beliefs if you don't already know what we believe. I find great comfort in the teachings of the Prophets and Apostles and I know my life is better for living the Gospel.
What a wonderful insight I had today...I am very grateful for it! I pray I will be able to get another 24 hours of sobriety and I pray my experience will help someone else. This is my daily check in. I commit to being sober for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 Things I am grateful for today:
- Nature - I drove my dad and uncle up the canyon by our house this morning so that they could go on an early morning ride. As I drove I noticed the beauty of nature. I was up on a ridge for a bit and looking out across the valleys that surrounded me helped me remember that God loves me. He created this world so that we could enjoy the beauty of His creations. Well, there were a lot of other reasons as well, but that is one of them!
- Family - My uncle is visiting the different family members around our area. While he was here it was really nice to talk with him and reconnect with him. He is a stalwart member in the Church and I really admire him. I am grateful for wonderful family and for the support and love each member gives the others around him/her.
- Technology - This morning I am sitting on a couch, writing this...and it can be read from all over the world! How amazing is that? And what is more is people can look at this on their phones! I remember when my dad first got a cell phone...yeah, we've come a long way from that time. Also, I am working on something that will make my living (if all goes as planned) and all of it is online! Technology is amazing. I am so grateful for the people who were inspired and acted on those thoughts. Without them we would still be making cave drawings!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Dusting off and pressing on
1 day sober:
I could have titled all the posts for the last couple days that I DIDN'T write with that...1 day sober. Amazing how relieving and depressing that line is...all at the same time!
I haven't wanted to talk to anyone for the past couple days because I have been afraid they are going to judge me. I called my sponsor but he was busy and didn't answer the phone...I am wrong though. The people that I can call are really understanding. And when I call them I can surrender the feelings I am having.
My problem? I don't open myself to others. I am stuck in a rut of calling no one when I have a problem. I am so shut off from other people that I just start downhill towards acting out and have nothing to stop me until I run off the cliff and hit the bottom. Then I stand up, dust myself off, and start climbing back up the hill...just so I can fall back down again! I need to rely on others so I can get out of my head!
So, I am going to call someone. Right after I get off this post and that will turn this destructive cycle around! I will turn myself over to the care of God and the others in my life that care about me.
I also need to keep a positive mindset. I will rely on God and let him take the wheel.
This is my daily experience...and I apologize right now about not posting over the weekend. I did not keep my commitment and will do better!
I pray I can get another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 Things I am grateful for today:
I could have titled all the posts for the last couple days that I DIDN'T write with that...1 day sober. Amazing how relieving and depressing that line is...all at the same time!
I haven't wanted to talk to anyone for the past couple days because I have been afraid they are going to judge me. I called my sponsor but he was busy and didn't answer the phone...I am wrong though. The people that I can call are really understanding. And when I call them I can surrender the feelings I am having.
My problem? I don't open myself to others. I am stuck in a rut of calling no one when I have a problem. I am so shut off from other people that I just start downhill towards acting out and have nothing to stop me until I run off the cliff and hit the bottom. Then I stand up, dust myself off, and start climbing back up the hill...just so I can fall back down again! I need to rely on others so I can get out of my head!
So, I am going to call someone. Right after I get off this post and that will turn this destructive cycle around! I will turn myself over to the care of God and the others in my life that care about me.
I also need to keep a positive mindset. I will rely on God and let him take the wheel.
This is my daily experience...and I apologize right now about not posting over the weekend. I did not keep my commitment and will do better!
I pray I can get another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
3 Things I am grateful for today:
- The Talents of Others - On my way down to my parents house from my apartment I listened to a book on CD. So many talents went into making that book! You have the writer, the reader, the editor, the person who wrote the CD, the packager...so many! I am grateful for their talents and for the gifts they give the world.
- Loving Parents - As I mentioned above, I am at my parents house. They are so accepting of me and they love to have me here! I am so grateful for that. Right after I walked in the door my mom told me that there was some cereal in the pantry in case I hadn't eaten any breakfast (which I hadn't incidentally)!
- The Gospel of Jesus Christ - I wrote an email to one of my cousins today who is serving a mission for the LDS Church and I was amazed at how personal my feelings towards the Gospel were. I feel like my testimony of the Gospel is wavering...not because I don't feel like it is true, but because I don't do a lot to keep it alive and well. But, when I was writing the letter I bore testimony of the sanctity of missionary work and I loved the feeling I got. I know it is true and I am SO grateful for the calming influence and guiding principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
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