10 days sober:
Well, I just had a close call! I looked up some things on the internet and...well, I didn't end up finding anything related to that topic (videos or pictures of porn so that I could masturbate to something). So, I technically still have my sobriety, but I don't feel super recovered.
On that note, one thing I realized today was that...with God anything is possible. With God I can wait 18 months for the girl of my dreams to return. On my own I will lose sight of what I was waiting for, I will let my hormones take over, I will go out and find girls that are loose with themselves and willing to open up...there are a lot of things I could do. But, I am not going to!
With God I can recover. Tonight I pushed the line and I am still in danger of it...but the minute I reached out to God after looking at the stories of people online I was comforted and strengthened. Not really anything spectacular...at least in this instance, but it was just a little bit of strength. Kind of God saying to me, "I'm here for you if you want to turn to me and let me help you." Very reassuring!
With God I can learn the things I want to know and experience the things I want to experience. I want to gain a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ...gain such a testimony that I won't be shaken. I want to experience what it means to have my foundation based on the rock of my Redeemer. What does that feel like?
Some of the things I read tonight were disturbing and got me thinking a bit...and not about things that would be beneficial to my spirituality. Why does it seem like everyone who is out there is having a lot of fun? Why does it seem like those who have sex and just party around are having a lot of fun? My hormones (my body) yearn for that kind of release and fun...but I have to remember that I am not down here on earth to let my physical body run the show. I am here so that my spiritual body, my spirit, can learn how to utilize and control my physical body.
I would love to answer the ads on Craigslist and have sex with women every night. I would probably get really messed up too! I know that isn't really what I want though. Any time I have gotten close to having sex with a girl (yes, it felt wonderful and I wanted to go further all the time) the pain that followed was so much that it made me not want that for a brief time.
"I'm now to the point that I'm not willing to trade a moment of pleasure for a lot of pain." - SA Sponsor
One of the things I am afraid of now is of what my mindset with be like when I get married. Will I be ok with having sex with my wife? What kinds of sex are ok? Is it ok for her to stimulate me? Is it ok for me to stimulate her? These are questions I have that I have no clue how to get answers to. I am scared that I will be repulsed by having sex with my wife and that I will be messed up for a long time to come!
Well this is my daily check in...and this is my experience. If you have any answers for me, please be judicious about it! I hope and pray I can make it another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Showing posts with label Love Dare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Dare. Show all posts
Friday, May 24, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Impressions While Studying
9 days sober:
Yesterday evening I was studying one of the talks from the LDS General Conference that was given this last April. The talk I studied was titled The Savior wants to forgive. As I studied I had comfort wash over me and I had the feeling that I can be forgiven for the things I have done. Now, you can call me a religious freak, but I believe in God and I believe in His son Jesus Christ.
The impressions I felt communicated to me that I could be forgiven of the things I've done. One of the keys to recovery is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ as much as I can. And be honest with myself when doing this.
This is my goal, my daily check in, and my experience. This is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday evening I was studying one of the talks from the LDS General Conference that was given this last April. The talk I studied was titled The Savior wants to forgive. As I studied I had comfort wash over me and I had the feeling that I can be forgiven for the things I have done. Now, you can call me a religious freak, but I believe in God and I believe in His son Jesus Christ.
The impressions I felt communicated to me that I could be forgiven of the things I've done. One of the keys to recovery is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ as much as I can. And be honest with myself when doing this.
This is my goal, my daily check in, and my experience. This is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Finding Motivation
8 days sober:
I have not had a lot of motivation to do anything today. I have a need to work on the website for the business I am starting with my dad, but I just realized that I do not have any specific goals for today! Also, since I miss my girlfriend so much, I have been feeling really down today. I miss her...but there isn't anything I can do about that! I need to smile!
So, my plan for getting a bit more motivation to be happy, have fun, and to get things done today? Smile as much as I can, and set goals for what I want to have happen.
So, I am deciding right now to be happy and to smile! Today is a good day because I am alive! One inspiration for this is a recent post by Leo Babauta:
Smile
Read it and practice it!
This is my daily check in and this is my experience. With that I'll take another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I have not had a lot of motivation to do anything today. I have a need to work on the website for the business I am starting with my dad, but I just realized that I do not have any specific goals for today! Also, since I miss my girlfriend so much, I have been feeling really down today. I miss her...but there isn't anything I can do about that! I need to smile!
So, my plan for getting a bit more motivation to be happy, have fun, and to get things done today? Smile as much as I can, and set goals for what I want to have happen.
So, I am deciding right now to be happy and to smile! Today is a good day because I am alive! One inspiration for this is a recent post by Leo Babauta:
Smile
Read it and practice it!
This is my daily check in and this is my experience. With that I'll take another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, May 20, 2013
Goals in Recovery
7 days sober:
Well, I said goodbye to my girlfriend yesterday for 18 months! She is leaving on a mission for the LDS Church and will be gone for 18 months! She mentioned that really the only thing that scares her about coming home is what will happen if I am not in a 6 month or more period of recovery. She mentioned how she didn't think she would be willing to be patient and willing to wait for me to recover more so that we could get married.
When I first heard that I started to get offended, and even now, writing it down makes me want to get mad, but then I realized that what she expressed is a totally normal concern! Especially for her! If I am not able to get my recovery down to where I am having at least 6 month periods of recovery...what is the guarantee that I would ever really be able to recover?
So, the title of this post: Goals in Recovery. I decided to make a goal for the length of sobriety I will have by the time she gets home. One Year. That is my goal, and now that gives me something to work towards! Not that I can play around until it is one year before she gets home, but I feel like the 6 months buffer-time (in which i would love to have 6 more months of recovery tacked onto the year) will be the time to strengthen and establish the habits of recovery I will need.
There is one more thing I think will help me to not slip up. Thinking of how crushed my girlfriend would be if she knew what I was doing. This video is a wonderful talk by an Apostle of God about this, and I love how he puts this idea. Thinking of your mother, or your significant other...thinking of how crushed they would be if you were to mess up. I hope this, along with my dailies (daily's?) and weeklies (weekly's?) will help me to stay in recovery...I just need to get those habits down!
I love my girlfriend and I am going to miss her. But, my recovery cannot only be for her. I need to do this for myself and with my Heavenly Father. No-one else can give me the help and strength I need in order to overcome this addiction! I know that and I hope i can be humble enough to rely on Him and His Son, Jesus Christ!
This is my thoughts today...and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, I said goodbye to my girlfriend yesterday for 18 months! She is leaving on a mission for the LDS Church and will be gone for 18 months! She mentioned that really the only thing that scares her about coming home is what will happen if I am not in a 6 month or more period of recovery. She mentioned how she didn't think she would be willing to be patient and willing to wait for me to recover more so that we could get married.
When I first heard that I started to get offended, and even now, writing it down makes me want to get mad, but then I realized that what she expressed is a totally normal concern! Especially for her! If I am not able to get my recovery down to where I am having at least 6 month periods of recovery...what is the guarantee that I would ever really be able to recover?
So, the title of this post: Goals in Recovery. I decided to make a goal for the length of sobriety I will have by the time she gets home. One Year. That is my goal, and now that gives me something to work towards! Not that I can play around until it is one year before she gets home, but I feel like the 6 months buffer-time (in which i would love to have 6 more months of recovery tacked onto the year) will be the time to strengthen and establish the habits of recovery I will need.
There is one more thing I think will help me to not slip up. Thinking of how crushed my girlfriend would be if she knew what I was doing. This video is a wonderful talk by an Apostle of God about this, and I love how he puts this idea. Thinking of your mother, or your significant other...thinking of how crushed they would be if you were to mess up. I hope this, along with my dailies (daily's?) and weeklies (weekly's?) will help me to stay in recovery...I just need to get those habits down!
I love my girlfriend and I am going to miss her. But, my recovery cannot only be for her. I need to do this for myself and with my Heavenly Father. No-one else can give me the help and strength I need in order to overcome this addiction! I know that and I hope i can be humble enough to rely on Him and His Son, Jesus Christ!
This is my thoughts today...and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
My Best Recovery
1 day sober:
Yeah, I messed up last night. I talked on the phone late with my girlfriend, then when I got off the phone I realized I hadn't posted on here yet, so I decided to jump on the internet. I was the only person up in my apartment, the blinds were closed on the window, and it was late. I was tired. I tried to get on to write the post (and somewhere in the back of my mind I was like, hmm...I wonder if they have videos of such-and-such online. Of course they do! It's the freakin' internet!) but the internet wasn't working. So, I worked with it to get it working. I kept telling myself that I was working so hard on it for about 30 minutes so that I could get on and write my recovery post, but come on. I didn't have that much drive to write the post...I was wrestling with the internet so that I could jump on and look at porn!
I eventually got the internet working...and the first thing I did was open up a tracking-free window and look up what I was thinking about. Of course they had videos of that...and of course once I saw that they did I had to watch it! Such a stupid rationalization! "Oh, I'll just jump on and see if they have videos of this...not that I'm going to watch it, I just want to know!" Yeah right, they should give tickets for lying to yourself.
Anyway...I ended up looking at some porn and masturbating...it made me feel like such a low-down jerk. I didn't even end up writing the post either! When I got up this morning I realized I was scared to tell my girlfriend, my accountability partner, and my sponsor. I was scared that they would try to shame me even more than I already have myself, and also I was afraid that my girlfriend would get angry and not talk to me. She has every right to, I just get afraid that she is going to. So far I have told the first two (backwards, I know) and I am planning on calling my sponsor right after I finish this post. And my girlfriend actually took it pretty well! I was surprised! Pleasantly!
As I honestly looked at myself...I realized that 1) I cannot control this addiction as much as I try...I really do have to give everything over to God, and 2) I have not been doing my best. I have been slacking on my dailies (daily's?). I have been taking street drinks...looking at girls that are around me that are slightly immodest, and that has been killing me!
So, new resolve to work hard each day on material for me and my dad's business and to really put my whole heart and soul into my recovery. I am going to make it to 3 meetings a week. I have decided!
This is my daily check-in and my experience. I hope I can get another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yeah, I messed up last night. I talked on the phone late with my girlfriend, then when I got off the phone I realized I hadn't posted on here yet, so I decided to jump on the internet. I was the only person up in my apartment, the blinds were closed on the window, and it was late. I was tired. I tried to get on to write the post (and somewhere in the back of my mind I was like, hmm...I wonder if they have videos of such-and-such online. Of course they do! It's the freakin' internet!) but the internet wasn't working. So, I worked with it to get it working. I kept telling myself that I was working so hard on it for about 30 minutes so that I could get on and write my recovery post, but come on. I didn't have that much drive to write the post...I was wrestling with the internet so that I could jump on and look at porn!
I eventually got the internet working...and the first thing I did was open up a tracking-free window and look up what I was thinking about. Of course they had videos of that...and of course once I saw that they did I had to watch it! Such a stupid rationalization! "Oh, I'll just jump on and see if they have videos of this...not that I'm going to watch it, I just want to know!" Yeah right, they should give tickets for lying to yourself.
Anyway...I ended up looking at some porn and masturbating...it made me feel like such a low-down jerk. I didn't even end up writing the post either! When I got up this morning I realized I was scared to tell my girlfriend, my accountability partner, and my sponsor. I was scared that they would try to shame me even more than I already have myself, and also I was afraid that my girlfriend would get angry and not talk to me. She has every right to, I just get afraid that she is going to. So far I have told the first two (backwards, I know) and I am planning on calling my sponsor right after I finish this post. And my girlfriend actually took it pretty well! I was surprised! Pleasantly!
As I honestly looked at myself...I realized that 1) I cannot control this addiction as much as I try...I really do have to give everything over to God, and 2) I have not been doing my best. I have been slacking on my dailies (daily's?). I have been taking street drinks...looking at girls that are around me that are slightly immodest, and that has been killing me!
So, new resolve to work hard each day on material for me and my dad's business and to really put my whole heart and soul into my recovery. I am going to make it to 3 meetings a week. I have decided!
This is my daily check-in and my experience. I hope I can get another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, May 13, 2013
Designing Websites
8 days sober:
Just right off the bat let me make one thing clear - I am NOT a website designer! I am trying to get into Marketing, and website designing has never been my forte. But, I'm seeing if I can get a website designed for my dad by next monday...and it is going to be a bit of a stretch! We'll see though!
Anyway...why am I blogging about this on an addiction recovery blog? Because it is making me frustrated and I am tired! I realize now that I get tired a lot...I stepped over some lines this morning and so my head has been buzzing all day with ideas of how to lose my sobriety. That makes it hard to concentrate on things around you. So, goal for tomorrow! Work really hard on the website and make up for time I didn't work on it today!
So, in order to keep myself clean I am going to take a drive up the canyon on my scooter! That'll keep me busy and maybe put me back in touch with God...I really need to connect with Him today. So, the other thing I will do is read my scriptures for 10 minutes when I get home!
This is my daily check-in and this is my experience! I hope I can get another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Just right off the bat let me make one thing clear - I am NOT a website designer! I am trying to get into Marketing, and website designing has never been my forte. But, I'm seeing if I can get a website designed for my dad by next monday...and it is going to be a bit of a stretch! We'll see though!
Anyway...why am I blogging about this on an addiction recovery blog? Because it is making me frustrated and I am tired! I realize now that I get tired a lot...I stepped over some lines this morning and so my head has been buzzing all day with ideas of how to lose my sobriety. That makes it hard to concentrate on things around you. So, goal for tomorrow! Work really hard on the website and make up for time I didn't work on it today!
So, in order to keep myself clean I am going to take a drive up the canyon on my scooter! That'll keep me busy and maybe put me back in touch with God...I really need to connect with Him today. So, the other thing I will do is read my scriptures for 10 minutes when I get home!
This is my daily check-in and this is my experience! I hope I can get another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Tired in Recovery
7 days sober:
Today I realized that I am very tired...not tired of recovery, but of other things. As we all know, well, all recovering addicts, H.A.L.T. or B.L.A.S.T. are acronyms that are warnings as to the mental or physical states to avoid or that are dangerous and usually end up in you losing your sobriety.
H - hungry
A - angry
L - lonely
T - tired
B - bored
L - lonely
A - angry
S - stressed
T - tired
Like I said I am tired. This is dangerous and I don't want to be in this state of mind. What am I tired of? One, I am tired physically. Two, I am tired of being a gimp (I had surgery almost 12 weeks ago and have been in a cast ever since). Three, I am tired of not being thought of or of not being loved.
The physical part comes from just having a long day playing with my nieces. It was so much fun! One of the twins even played with me! They have been so clingy to their mom that I haven't ever really gotten a chance to play with them. So, this one will get fixed through getting sleep tonight! I can't wait!
Tired of being a gimp: this isn't really going to go away. This is one that I am going to have to just accept and get over. I am very grateful for this surgery and for the possibilities that it is going to open up to me...I just have a hard time in the moment. Especially when physical activities like running, biking, and working out are ways that I deal with #3...
Tired of not being thought of or loved (from what I can see): I just read a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Wonderful book! I read this book because I have been struggling feeling the love of my girlfriend. I didn't know if I wasn't recognizing when she was showing me love or if she was at all...I tended to jump to the second conclusion. So, after reading this book, I realized that she just hasn't been showing love to me in the way that I primarily recognize it. I wanted so much to share with her what the best way to show me love would be...but she is leaving me for 18 months for an LDS mission. So I have to accept that she is going to need to concentrate on her mission and not me. That will be hard to accept, but as soon as I do, then I will be in a lot better position to continue my recovery.
This is my experience and this is my daily check in! I'm praying for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today I realized that I am very tired...not tired of recovery, but of other things. As we all know, well, all recovering addicts, H.A.L.T. or B.L.A.S.T. are acronyms that are warnings as to the mental or physical states to avoid or that are dangerous and usually end up in you losing your sobriety.
H - hungry
A - angry
L - lonely
T - tired
B - bored
L - lonely
A - angry
S - stressed
T - tired
Like I said I am tired. This is dangerous and I don't want to be in this state of mind. What am I tired of? One, I am tired physically. Two, I am tired of being a gimp (I had surgery almost 12 weeks ago and have been in a cast ever since). Three, I am tired of not being thought of or of not being loved.
The physical part comes from just having a long day playing with my nieces. It was so much fun! One of the twins even played with me! They have been so clingy to their mom that I haven't ever really gotten a chance to play with them. So, this one will get fixed through getting sleep tonight! I can't wait!
Tired of being a gimp: this isn't really going to go away. This is one that I am going to have to just accept and get over. I am very grateful for this surgery and for the possibilities that it is going to open up to me...I just have a hard time in the moment. Especially when physical activities like running, biking, and working out are ways that I deal with #3...
Tired of not being thought of or loved (from what I can see): I just read a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Wonderful book! I read this book because I have been struggling feeling the love of my girlfriend. I didn't know if I wasn't recognizing when she was showing me love or if she was at all...I tended to jump to the second conclusion. So, after reading this book, I realized that she just hasn't been showing love to me in the way that I primarily recognize it. I wanted so much to share with her what the best way to show me love would be...but she is leaving me for 18 months for an LDS mission. So I have to accept that she is going to need to concentrate on her mission and not me. That will be hard to accept, but as soon as I do, then I will be in a lot better position to continue my recovery.
This is my experience and this is my daily check in! I'm praying for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Friday, May 10, 2013
Rewards of Recovery
5 days sober:
For the last couple hours, I have been pondering the principles in The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Specifically the reward part of the habit circle. I have felt like if I could only start finding out what reward I am looking for from my acting out that I would better be able to be guided by God to find other ways to satiate that hunger or desire. So, that is going to be my quest for the next couple days/years. If I act out I want to write down when, how, and what it was I felt I needed from that acting out episode.
These are a couple reasons I think I might be acting out for.
This is my daily check in and my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
For the last couple hours, I have been pondering the principles in The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Specifically the reward part of the habit circle. I have felt like if I could only start finding out what reward I am looking for from my acting out that I would better be able to be guided by God to find other ways to satiate that hunger or desire. So, that is going to be my quest for the next couple days/years. If I act out I want to write down when, how, and what it was I felt I needed from that acting out episode.
These are a couple reasons I think I might be acting out for.
- I want to feel loved and appreciated
- I want to connect with God through my procreative powers
- I want a sense of fulfillment
This is my daily check in and my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Fighting for Recovery
4 days sober:
I walked out of my room today to see the worst thing today...and the worst part about it was inside my head I thought, "AWESOME!" I walked out of my room today to see 3 people swimming in the pool outside my apartment. Nothing bad about that right? Well, the only bad part was that one of the girls didn't have a swimming suit. She was just wearing her bra and a pair of boxers. I froze when I saw her...I didn't know how to react! I sat down on the couch to work on a website, but I realized that I could still see them. I did my best to not look or stare at her, but they were making a lot of noise and I happened to glance over.
What can I do when things like this happen? I should have just gone back in my room and called someone to talk it out...but I didn't. I need to set those automatic reactions in my mind as something that will just happen...no matter what!
So...am I going to reset my sobriety? I think not. I couldn't control her being out there and I did try to not look at her...the scariest part is that I enjoyed looking at her. From a very sensual part of me, but a part that still liked it.
I don't want that. I know that I need to be attracted to the girl that I marry...but is there any way that I can only be attracted to her and no-one else? That would be so nice...
Anyway...to get the image out of my brain I am going to say a long prayer for help, read a scripture, and then start working hard-core on my job!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I walked out of my room today to see the worst thing today...and the worst part about it was inside my head I thought, "AWESOME!" I walked out of my room today to see 3 people swimming in the pool outside my apartment. Nothing bad about that right? Well, the only bad part was that one of the girls didn't have a swimming suit. She was just wearing her bra and a pair of boxers. I froze when I saw her...I didn't know how to react! I sat down on the couch to work on a website, but I realized that I could still see them. I did my best to not look or stare at her, but they were making a lot of noise and I happened to glance over.
What can I do when things like this happen? I should have just gone back in my room and called someone to talk it out...but I didn't. I need to set those automatic reactions in my mind as something that will just happen...no matter what!
So...am I going to reset my sobriety? I think not. I couldn't control her being out there and I did try to not look at her...the scariest part is that I enjoyed looking at her. From a very sensual part of me, but a part that still liked it.
I don't want that. I know that I need to be attracted to the girl that I marry...but is there any way that I can only be attracted to her and no-one else? That would be so nice...
Anyway...to get the image out of my brain I am going to say a long prayer for help, read a scripture, and then start working hard-core on my job!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Busy in Recovery
3 days sober:
I think the biggest struggle I have had in the last couple weeks, and why I have relapsed a couple times, has been keeping myself occupied and busy. Not only busy, but productive. Feeling like I am doing something worthwhile. Doing something and feeling fulfilled afterwards. Anyone else ever feel that way?
I have tried several things:
Watching porn videos - didn't work
Reading pornographic stories - didn't work
Reading a book series - sorta worked
Studying the scriptures - worked
Watching movies - sorta worked
Hanging out with friends - worked
Watching girls by the pool - didn't work
Why didn't some of them work or why did only some of them sort of work? I think the purpose behind the activity gives a hint as to why they worked. Obviously the first two and the last one are not going to work because they are manifestations of lust and the purpose of the activity is to feed the addiction. Reading a book and watching a movie sort of worked because they distract and occupy my mind, but they don't actually fight any of the affects of an addiction to lust. Depending on the content of either, they actually could feed the addiction as well!
So, what is different about studying the scriptures and hanging out with friends? What is the underlying purpose? Each one has a different purpose, but they both fight/reverse the affects of an addiction to lust.
Studying the scriptures - Purpose: to build and strengthen my spiritual character and fortitude as well forge a stronger bond with my Heavenly Father. This makes me feel fulfilled because I am growing something inside me that has been tamped down and cut back for so long that it is yearning to be set free and to grow.
Hanging out with friends - Purpose: to get outside myself, to focus on helping others, and to build lasting, real relationships with real people who matter. Fulfillment comes from being around others as I focus on them and as I focus on getting to know them. These connections will help me get outside my head and to start healing.
If you ever feel like you aren't getting fulfillment, I encourage you to analyze what your activities are and what the real purpose is behind each activity. This works for anyone NOT suffering from an addiction too, just fyi!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful!
I think the biggest struggle I have had in the last couple weeks, and why I have relapsed a couple times, has been keeping myself occupied and busy. Not only busy, but productive. Feeling like I am doing something worthwhile. Doing something and feeling fulfilled afterwards. Anyone else ever feel that way?
I have tried several things:
Watching porn videos - didn't work
Reading pornographic stories - didn't work
Reading a book series - sorta worked
Studying the scriptures - worked
Watching movies - sorta worked
Hanging out with friends - worked
Watching girls by the pool - didn't work
Why didn't some of them work or why did only some of them sort of work? I think the purpose behind the activity gives a hint as to why they worked. Obviously the first two and the last one are not going to work because they are manifestations of lust and the purpose of the activity is to feed the addiction. Reading a book and watching a movie sort of worked because they distract and occupy my mind, but they don't actually fight any of the affects of an addiction to lust. Depending on the content of either, they actually could feed the addiction as well!
So, what is different about studying the scriptures and hanging out with friends? What is the underlying purpose? Each one has a different purpose, but they both fight/reverse the affects of an addiction to lust.
Studying the scriptures - Purpose: to build and strengthen my spiritual character and fortitude as well forge a stronger bond with my Heavenly Father. This makes me feel fulfilled because I am growing something inside me that has been tamped down and cut back for so long that it is yearning to be set free and to grow.
Hanging out with friends - Purpose: to get outside myself, to focus on helping others, and to build lasting, real relationships with real people who matter. Fulfillment comes from being around others as I focus on them and as I focus on getting to know them. These connections will help me get outside my head and to start healing.
If you ever feel like you aren't getting fulfillment, I encourage you to analyze what your activities are and what the real purpose is behind each activity. This works for anyone NOT suffering from an addiction too, just fyi!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
The Drive of Recovery
2 days sober:
Today I started out very motivated. I got up, prayed, and then sat down and studied the scriptures and gospel principles for about 30 minutes. It was wonderful! However...since I stopped studying I have just wasted over an hour on the computer. So, this is going to stop! I am going to get up and do something today!
How do I get motivated? I try to find a reason for doing something. If I have a reason for doing something then I am usually much more excited about doing it than I otherwise would be.
I've had some pretty interesting impulses this morning...internet searches I want to do in order to see if there are videos out there about what is on my mind. So, I surrender my right to wander the internet!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today I started out very motivated. I got up, prayed, and then sat down and studied the scriptures and gospel principles for about 30 minutes. It was wonderful! However...since I stopped studying I have just wasted over an hour on the computer. So, this is going to stop! I am going to get up and do something today!
How do I get motivated? I try to find a reason for doing something. If I have a reason for doing something then I am usually much more excited about doing it than I otherwise would be.
I've had some pretty interesting impulses this morning...internet searches I want to do in order to see if there are videos out there about what is on my mind. So, I surrender my right to wander the internet!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sure Foundation for Recovery
1 day sober: (I hate it when that number is so low...)
Well, true to my daily checklist of things to do each day, I got up and had my 20 minutes of scripture study! My mom shared with me a study schedule that her Stake President suggested, so I am starting on that! It is 12 weeks long...so I'm making it a goal to make it that long in recovery. And hopefully even longer! But I still need to remember to take it just one day, one hour, one minute at a time or else I won't make it!
So, the study schedule has a scripture that you read each day for a week and think about it for that whole week and what it means to you personally. There are also talks from Apostles, the Prophet, and other church leaders from the last General Conference that go along with each scripture to help facilitate the pondering what it means personally.
This weeks scripture is Helaman 5:12 from the Book of Mormon.
"And now, my sons, remember, remember, that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
I've read this scripture many times since I was 14 and never before have I really thought about what it would mean to have that promise. "When the devil shall send forth his mighty winds...yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have NO power over you...because of the rock upon which ye are built." That is an amazing promise. When I read that this morning my mind immediately shot back to last night when I relapsed and how it literally felt like I was caught up in a storm and that I was being beat upon...and the only rest I received was when I reached out to my Heavenly Father and to my Savior to help me. It was then that I felt their love and their support and I was able to throw off the dark thoughts that had been keeping me down.
I am going to work on rebuilding my foundation on the rock of Christ. It's going to be a long hard road...but I know that as I rely on Him as my Redeemer and Savior and take part in His Atonement, then I will be strengthened to walk with Him each day.
This is my experience, my daily check in, and my hope for another 24 hours or sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, true to my daily checklist of things to do each day, I got up and had my 20 minutes of scripture study! My mom shared with me a study schedule that her Stake President suggested, so I am starting on that! It is 12 weeks long...so I'm making it a goal to make it that long in recovery. And hopefully even longer! But I still need to remember to take it just one day, one hour, one minute at a time or else I won't make it!
So, the study schedule has a scripture that you read each day for a week and think about it for that whole week and what it means to you personally. There are also talks from Apostles, the Prophet, and other church leaders from the last General Conference that go along with each scripture to help facilitate the pondering what it means personally.
This weeks scripture is Helaman 5:12 from the Book of Mormon.
"And now, my sons, remember, remember, that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
I've read this scripture many times since I was 14 and never before have I really thought about what it would mean to have that promise. "When the devil shall send forth his mighty winds...yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have NO power over you...because of the rock upon which ye are built." That is an amazing promise. When I read that this morning my mind immediately shot back to last night when I relapsed and how it literally felt like I was caught up in a storm and that I was being beat upon...and the only rest I received was when I reached out to my Heavenly Father and to my Savior to help me. It was then that I felt their love and their support and I was able to throw off the dark thoughts that had been keeping me down.
I am going to work on rebuilding my foundation on the rock of Christ. It's going to be a long hard road...but I know that as I rely on Him as my Redeemer and Savior and take part in His Atonement, then I will be strengthened to walk with Him each day.
This is my experience, my daily check in, and my hope for another 24 hours or sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Wedding Reception
11 days sober:
Today I went to a wedding reception. One of my good friends from my hometown got married today and so I went to support him! It was so wonderful to see him married and all that! However, I got a little sad that I haven't gotten married yet. And it might be awhile before that happens. I was able to stay happy and wish them the best though. I did this by focusing on them. How did I want them to feel? How would I want my friends to feel if I was getting married? Get outside of "serving myself" mode and think about others. Service is the key.
I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have gained through the SA program on how to recognize and combat feelings of discouragement, guilt, fear, loneliness, etc. I would be a mess if God hadn't led me to SA. I will be forever grateful to Him for the help He has constantly given me! He has always been constant!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today I went to a wedding reception. One of my good friends from my hometown got married today and so I went to support him! It was so wonderful to see him married and all that! However, I got a little sad that I haven't gotten married yet. And it might be awhile before that happens. I was able to stay happy and wish them the best though. I did this by focusing on them. How did I want them to feel? How would I want my friends to feel if I was getting married? Get outside of "serving myself" mode and think about others. Service is the key.
I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have gained through the SA program on how to recognize and combat feelings of discouragement, guilt, fear, loneliness, etc. I would be a mess if God hadn't led me to SA. I will be forever grateful to Him for the help He has constantly given me! He has always been constant!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
10 days sober:
Well, the only thing worth writing about today is how close I got to crossing the line. Well, I got close to my bottom lines, but I didn't end up resetting my sobriety. I definitely wasn't in recovery today though...and that makes me sad. But, tomorrow is a new day and I commit to being the best I can be!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, the only thing worth writing about today is how close I got to crossing the line. Well, I got close to my bottom lines, but I didn't end up resetting my sobriety. I definitely wasn't in recovery today though...and that makes me sad. But, tomorrow is a new day and I commit to being the best I can be!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Combatting Boredom
8 days sober:
So, I had quite the disappointment today. I had a surgery performed 10 weeks ago on my ankle and have been recovering from that. This whole time I have been in 3 different casts. I met with my doctor today to see if I could start walking on it and maybe start driving! Well, the bad news was that I needed another cast. This one I will be able to walk on, but the bad thing is that it will be on for 4 weeks. I am having a pretty hard time accepting it! I was so excited, and this is such a let down.
Needless to say, I have had quite a lot of boredom in the past couple days. My girlfriend is gone, I don't have school, I don't have a job...perfect recipe to make some serious acting out happen right? Yeah...that is what I DON'T want to have happen. So, how am I getting around it? How am I getting out of that boredom and being productive? Goals and books. I am working on 2 different business ventures right now as well as reading books. This is keeping me sane and giving me a sense of purpose right now!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for 24 more hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
So, I had quite the disappointment today. I had a surgery performed 10 weeks ago on my ankle and have been recovering from that. This whole time I have been in 3 different casts. I met with my doctor today to see if I could start walking on it and maybe start driving! Well, the bad news was that I needed another cast. This one I will be able to walk on, but the bad thing is that it will be on for 4 weeks. I am having a pretty hard time accepting it! I was so excited, and this is such a let down.
Needless to say, I have had quite a lot of boredom in the past couple days. My girlfriend is gone, I don't have school, I don't have a job...perfect recipe to make some serious acting out happen right? Yeah...that is what I DON'T want to have happen. So, how am I getting around it? How am I getting out of that boredom and being productive? Goals and books. I am working on 2 different business ventures right now as well as reading books. This is keeping me sane and giving me a sense of purpose right now!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for 24 more hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Staying Positive
6 days sober:
Today I learned a lesson...again. The amount of influence a positive mindset can have over my day as well as over the relationships that I have with others. For the past few days I have only been thinking about the negative qualities that my girlfriend has. I haven't been thinking about all of the positively wonderful qualities that she has. The physical distance, about 10 hours has really taken a toll on me, and I haven't put a focus on remembering her good side as I should have. Until today.
Today, I called her up and told her that I loved her. I wrote her a note on facebook in reply to a note she wrote me...and I day-dreamed about being married to her today for the first time in maybe a week. And I am amazed at how much of a difference it has made in my feelings and thoughts towards her! Instead of focusing on what might happen while she is on her mission, I am focusing on what I want to happen when she gets back! I love that girl and can't wait until she and I can be married for eternity!
So, the key point from today? Stay positive. If it's hard then make an extra effort to be positive. Being positive is one of the main things that you can do in order to stay in recovery! Love others because you want to. It's a choice!
This is my daily check in, my experience of recovery, and also my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today I learned a lesson...again. The amount of influence a positive mindset can have over my day as well as over the relationships that I have with others. For the past few days I have only been thinking about the negative qualities that my girlfriend has. I haven't been thinking about all of the positively wonderful qualities that she has. The physical distance, about 10 hours has really taken a toll on me, and I haven't put a focus on remembering her good side as I should have. Until today.
Today, I called her up and told her that I loved her. I wrote her a note on facebook in reply to a note she wrote me...and I day-dreamed about being married to her today for the first time in maybe a week. And I am amazed at how much of a difference it has made in my feelings and thoughts towards her! Instead of focusing on what might happen while she is on her mission, I am focusing on what I want to happen when she gets back! I love that girl and can't wait until she and I can be married for eternity!
So, the key point from today? Stay positive. If it's hard then make an extra effort to be positive. Being positive is one of the main things that you can do in order to stay in recovery! Love others because you want to. It's a choice!
This is my daily check in, my experience of recovery, and also my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, April 29, 2013
Making a Life of Recovery
5 days sober:
I attended a funeral today. I didn't know those who had died...I was invited to play the violin for the graveside services. I was related to them, but I had never met them or talked with them before. While I was there, I was able to attend the funeral service inside the LDS Church, and the things that were said about the couple who had died were amazing! So inspiring!
As I listened I thought, "What will those who care say about me when I pass on?" So, I started pondering on what I would like them to say about me. I want others to say that I was a man who was always true to his word, patient, thrifty, hardworking, happy, and totally devoted to his wife. That was what really impressed me. Those speaking always noted how devoted to his wife the man was. Very impressive!
Those are my thoughts today and my desires. This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I attended a funeral today. I didn't know those who had died...I was invited to play the violin for the graveside services. I was related to them, but I had never met them or talked with them before. While I was there, I was able to attend the funeral service inside the LDS Church, and the things that were said about the couple who had died were amazing! So inspiring!
As I listened I thought, "What will those who care say about me when I pass on?" So, I started pondering on what I would like them to say about me. I want others to say that I was a man who was always true to his word, patient, thrifty, hardworking, happy, and totally devoted to his wife. That was what really impressed me. Those speaking always noted how devoted to his wife the man was. Very impressive!
Those are my thoughts today and my desires. This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Friday, April 26, 2013
Purpose in Recovery and Relapse
1 day sober:
Well, it's true...I relapsed yesterday. It took me a whole day to admit it to myself. I am so ashamed, but I am even more scared to tell me girlfriend, especially when she isn't here. She is 10 hours away from me and I am afraid that if I told her then she would get really upset. However, we have a deal that I am to tell her whenever it happens. I was hoping the last time would be the last, but apparently not!
I can definitely see where I went wrong this time: I was alone when I was lonely. I didn't call anyone. I pushed the limits and my bottom lines (which I have been scared to set up and establish...I felt like they would limit the 'fun' I could have). I wasn't reading from the scriptures every day. I was sometimes praying. Basically the only thing from my dailies (daily's?) I was doing was writing my blog posts.
So...today and yesterday have been probably some of the hardest days ever. Aren't the days right after you act out the hardest? The acceptance that has to come, the change in mind-set...everything changes in an instant when you act out.
I think I have found one of the reasons I have been complacent since my girlfriend left...I haven't really had a purpose in life other than making her happy. So, this summer I am going to be looking for a purpose or a goal I can work towards; a direction I can find fulfillment from.
One thing I need to surrender is my frustration and my feelings of needing to control things. I moved into a new apartment today and I haven't met my roommates yet...but there was one guy staying in the apartment of 4 guys and he had stuff everywhere! As I was moving my stuff in I kept thinking, "I just need my own place...I need to get married, so I have my own place and then I don't have to deal with people who have no clue about keeping a place clean." Yeah...totally trying to control my environment. I need to stop it.
Well, this is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours...
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, it's true...I relapsed yesterday. It took me a whole day to admit it to myself. I am so ashamed, but I am even more scared to tell me girlfriend, especially when she isn't here. She is 10 hours away from me and I am afraid that if I told her then she would get really upset. However, we have a deal that I am to tell her whenever it happens. I was hoping the last time would be the last, but apparently not!
I can definitely see where I went wrong this time: I was alone when I was lonely. I didn't call anyone. I pushed the limits and my bottom lines (which I have been scared to set up and establish...I felt like they would limit the 'fun' I could have). I wasn't reading from the scriptures every day. I was sometimes praying. Basically the only thing from my dailies (daily's?) I was doing was writing my blog posts.
So...today and yesterday have been probably some of the hardest days ever. Aren't the days right after you act out the hardest? The acceptance that has to come, the change in mind-set...everything changes in an instant when you act out.
I think I have found one of the reasons I have been complacent since my girlfriend left...I haven't really had a purpose in life other than making her happy. So, this summer I am going to be looking for a purpose or a goal I can work towards; a direction I can find fulfillment from.
One thing I need to surrender is my frustration and my feelings of needing to control things. I moved into a new apartment today and I haven't met my roommates yet...but there was one guy staying in the apartment of 4 guys and he had stuff everywhere! As I was moving my stuff in I kept thinking, "I just need my own place...I need to get married, so I have my own place and then I don't have to deal with people who have no clue about keeping a place clean." Yeah...totally trying to control my environment. I need to stop it.
Well, this is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours...
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Lost in Life
37 days sober:
This may sound cheesy, but I am lost without my girlfriend...I don't know what to do all day. I just miss her. We were together all the time! Except for at night and that was only from about 12 (midnight) until 7:30am! Yeah, it's pathetic...so needless to say I have been searching out things to do all day so that I don't act out or anything. I had a very close call yesterday, but luckily I was able to focus on God and not act out!
I'm not quite sure how I am going to do a whole year and a half! I am going to have to find something to do! I can't just sit around or I'm going to go crazy! I keep finding myself checking my phone looking for a text message from my girlfriend, getting on Facebook to check and see if she answered back to my message on there, checking my email to see if she has emailed me...checking everything and anything looking for any form of communication from her! Yeah...I'm going crazy!
Well, that is what I am struggling with today! Being lonely! Yes..H.A.L.T. I'm not keeping it...but it's hard to fill the void that is in my heart and life right now. What makes it worse is I can't go work out or go for a run like I want to because of the surgery that I had on my ankle back in February! It's not good...I want to get out and run so badly right now!
Well, this is my daily check-in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
This may sound cheesy, but I am lost without my girlfriend...I don't know what to do all day. I just miss her. We were together all the time! Except for at night and that was only from about 12 (midnight) until 7:30am! Yeah, it's pathetic...so needless to say I have been searching out things to do all day so that I don't act out or anything. I had a very close call yesterday, but luckily I was able to focus on God and not act out!
I'm not quite sure how I am going to do a whole year and a half! I am going to have to find something to do! I can't just sit around or I'm going to go crazy! I keep finding myself checking my phone looking for a text message from my girlfriend, getting on Facebook to check and see if she answered back to my message on there, checking my email to see if she has emailed me...checking everything and anything looking for any form of communication from her! Yeah...I'm going crazy!
Well, that is what I am struggling with today! Being lonely! Yes..H.A.L.T. I'm not keeping it...but it's hard to fill the void that is in my heart and life right now. What makes it worse is I can't go work out or go for a run like I want to because of the surgery that I had on my ankle back in February! It's not good...I want to get out and run so badly right now!
Well, this is my daily check-in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Can I recover?
36 days sober:
My girlfriend left this morning for her home. She lives 11 hours away from me, and in 4 weeks she leaves on her mission for the LDS Church. I am super scared that I am going to lose my sobriety because I really miss her. She has been one of the greatest strengths to me for my sobriety thus far...and I'm scared to see what will happen with her gone. I guess this will really test whether or not I am in this for myself!
I am amazed at my automatic addict reaction to this situation though! All I want is to be by myself, look at some pornography, and masturbate...all day! For some reason I feel like that would make me feel a lot better...yeah right! I know for a fact that doing that would send me into such a tailspin out of recovery that I don't know if I would ever get back...
How am I going to get through today?
-Call someone if I need to
-Focus on studying for my last final
-Pray like crazy
-Study recovery material
-Clean my room (it really needs it!)
-in general, keep myself from being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
This is my plan!
This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
My girlfriend left this morning for her home. She lives 11 hours away from me, and in 4 weeks she leaves on her mission for the LDS Church. I am super scared that I am going to lose my sobriety because I really miss her. She has been one of the greatest strengths to me for my sobriety thus far...and I'm scared to see what will happen with her gone. I guess this will really test whether or not I am in this for myself!
I am amazed at my automatic addict reaction to this situation though! All I want is to be by myself, look at some pornography, and masturbate...all day! For some reason I feel like that would make me feel a lot better...yeah right! I know for a fact that doing that would send me into such a tailspin out of recovery that I don't know if I would ever get back...
How am I going to get through today?
-Call someone if I need to
-Focus on studying for my last final
-Pray like crazy
-Study recovery material
-Clean my room (it really needs it!)
-in general, keep myself from being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
This is my plan!
This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
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