A New Start (Again)

4 Days Sober

I've decided to start again. This blog that is.

I relapsed four days ago and since then I have been a wreck. I've been depressed, angry, resentful, frustrated, sad, lost, hurt, and a whole host of other negative emotions. I don't know of any other way of dealing with this other than to write about it. I've had this blog pop into my head the last couple of days, so maybe I need to listen to God's prompting and actually do something with this. I hope it means something to someone else, but at the very least it will help me.

Maybe that needs to be the point.

I really want to recover. I've been reading out of Clayton M. Christensen's book How Will You Measure Your Life, well I actually finished it and then passed it on to my wife so she can read it. I really want to go back through and jot down some of the main points though, because I really want to change my life. From what I can remember, he made some really spot-on comments about how to live a righteous, connected life. Well, as spot-on as I can judge as an insane, out-of-control sex addict, right?

(There's been a lot of that too...self-deprecation)

Another book I've been reading is Stephen R. Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I DO remember what I've been listening to (yeah, I have an audiobook version, so I'm not actually reading it). Mostly because I listened to it today while hiking, so I haven't had a whole ton of time to forget it. One thing he mentioned was the idea that we are and can be pro-active. I like that and I want to be as pro-active as I can be. Why? Because Covey said that between stimulus and response we have the ability to choose. I want to believe that and apply that to my life. I want to be able to choose a good way to respond to a sex trigger. I have hope that I can.

So, my point for today? I'm back. And I feel alone. My marriage isn't what I expected it to be, my wife isn't who I expected her to be, and I feel like I don't have many friends in the world. I hope that by getting my thoughts out on paper I can start opening up to those around me and start making connections with them. Maybe after I fix all of the myriad of psychological, emotional, and spiritual problems I have. Maybe then someone will want to be around me. (I think what I'm doing is bad, but I don't really care. It feels good.)

Even though I don't feel particularly Grateful or Hopeful right now, I'll take another 24 hours.

-GH

Revisiting Surrender

72 days sober:

Surrender. This is a word I have really struggled to understand. I don't fully understand it yet and I'm not sure I will ever. But I want to. I am trying to now.

I started over on the 12 Steps today. "What? You have 72 days of sobriety! You should be on like step 5 or something!" Yeah, well, I haven't been working the steps. I have gotten this far only through God's help.

I believe recovery is possible but I haven't always. As of yesterday I was a little doubtful. There was a little nagging feeling in the back of my mind while I was in group yesterday. That feeling was doubt. Its worse than fear.

I have a goal this week to read Step One material every day and then write about it. Write my thoughts. Write my feelings. Write quotes so I can remember them.

Surrender is...the key...to a joyful and purposeful life with others.

As I finished reading about Step One in the White Book of SA, I read something I haven't ever seen or thought of before. This sentence talked about sexual sobriety and emotional sobriety. For so long I have been focused on my sexual sobriety and wondering when I would be able to have a year, two, five, ten.

Mind opened today.

I'm 72 days sexually sober, but today I am starting my emotional sobriety. I am not going to count days, but I AM going to strive for emotional sobriety every day. Without this side of recovery...there will be no recovery.

I am powerless over my defects: resentment, anger, pride, annoyance with others, tiredness, dependency...and I am still working on finding others. But, I am powerless over them. I cannot control them without God's help.

I surrender myself to Thee, God, to do with me as Thou wilt.

With that, I will take another 24 hours.

-GH

To Act and Not To Be Acted Upon

2 days sober:

Reading in the SA White Book tonight I re-read the section on recognizing trigger mechanisms. Mind-blowing! I mean, I've read that section 3 or 4 times, but each time I am reminded of how many things can trigger me, especially my emotions.

Whenever I read about HALT I stop and think, "I need to be more aware of that." Actually, that thought comes probably 2 or 3 times a week. I need to be better at remembering and APPLYING the principles I learn.

So, here is my application of a principle. Or maybe a couple of them. I am reaching out to others instead of staying within my own mind and shutting others off. I am writing down something I thought about and feel is inspiration from God about how I can work on overcoming my addiction.

Hungry (haste, hurry, hyper)
Angry 
Lonely
Tired

Each one of these emotions or states of being are dangerous to an addict. I know that I personally have very weak resistance to temptations when I am any one of those. Another acronym is BLAST. Bored. Lonely. Angry. Stressed. Tired.

So, I know that I need to be careful and be aware of when I am in any one of those moods...but how do I do that? How can I remember to be aware of that?

I'm not sure, but that is what I am going to be investigating over the next couple days. Praying and asking for inspiration.

I have the choice to act...or I can let myself be acted upon by my sex-addiction. I choose to act and turn my will over to the Lord. Only with His help can I stay aware of my situation and change it accordingly.

This is my experience and this is my checking in. Please comment if you have any input at all. You can even check the anonymous box (or uncheck it?) so you don't have to put your name.

Thanks,

Grateful and Hopeful

Scared of Mr. Banks

0 days sober:

Its been awhile since I posted, but I thought now would be a good opportunity to post something.

I went to the movie theater on Saturday with my fiance to see Saving Mr. Banks and was thoroughly amazed! I expected the movie to be good, but I wasn't sure how good it was going to be. The songs, humor, and thoughtful moments kept me engaged the whole time...but the one thing I didn't expect was to be scared down to my core. Here's why:

In the movie Saving Mr. Banks the life of the writer P. L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, is depicted as the inspiration for the story of Mary Poppins. However, her story isn't all sunshine and roses; her father, Travers Goff, loses his job several times and eventually dies because of fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. Throughout the movie you see the heartache and pain that his addiction causes his family. You also see Travers create an imaginary world that he uses to try to escape his addiction.

The movie Mary Poppins is such a wonderful story of redemption; even though he has become distracted, Mr. Banks is able to turn his heart to his children and be a part of their lives again.

As I watched this struggle and coping mechanism, I saw a possible future of my own life. I broke down in the car on the way home as I expressed to my fiance the fears I experienced and continued to experience after the movie. She could tell something was off and so she was gracious enough to ask...she is so wonderful to me.

I know that with God I can overcome this addiction. I slipped up this morning, but I commit to being sober for the rest of today. I am powerless over lust and I 

This is my experience and this is my check in today. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His guiding influence in my life.

Grateful and Hopeful

In The Hour of Affliction

0 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.

Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.

I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.

I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:

• Get to bed by 11 on school nights
• Wake up at 6:30 every morning
• Study the LDS gospel principles every morning

I think this will really help me this week. However...today is all I can promise. I will be sober for the rest of today!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A New Start 2x

1 day sober:

Today is a new start for me in several ways, and while I am excited about this I am also a bit cautious. In what ways am is today a new start for me? Here you go:

• I start my school classes today.

After spending a summer recovering from a surgery, I am ready to do something. I am ready for class. Learning something has become a love of mine. I am very excited to start my classes because I want to learn as much as I can.

• I start my sobriety again today.

Last night I stayed up too late and relapsed.  I am worried about this one. I am excited to be starting over, but I also am worried. The first couple days are hard.

Well, that is what is going on with me today.

This is my daily experience. I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Responsibility is not fun?

1 day sober:

Today has had many different things happen, but the one thing that is on my mind...foremost at least, is when I slipped up last. It was last night around 2 am. Why was I up? Because I wanted to keep watching How I Met Your Mother episodes...yeah, that was the reason.

My plan last night was to be up and working around 9 in the morning. That didn't work because I didn't go to sleep until 5:15 this morning. I have been shirking responsibility for the past week. Staying up late, not reading anything I should, not keeping engagements that I don't think are fun...just things like that.

Why am I doing this? Is it because I'm just a flake and can't take responsibility? I'm not sure. I feel like I can be responsible when I want to be, but most times it is just so easy to not be. I guess I just need to man up and do my best in every way.

So, I need to call my sponsor today. That is my goal.

This is my daily experience and check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Habit of Relapse

1 day sober:

Yeah, I'm an idiot. Tonight I totally looked up some porn, watched it, and then masturbated. What happened this time?

Well, here's what happened:

• I watched a movie alone that I knew had racy parts in it. Why? Because I wanted to watch the movie. It was about soccer and I thought I would be able to handle it. Yeah, didn't happen did it...
• While watching the movie, instead of focusing on the story I focused on what one of the women in the movie was wearing. Her lingerie was definitely visible. Black lingerie has always been very triggering to me.
• Instead of turning the movie off and calling someone like I should have, I jumped into searching for a video. Found it. Watched it. Masturbated. Felt like crap. (You'd think that since I feel like crap every time I would be able to remember that...and avoid it? Nope...)

So, what am I going to do? I am going to call my sponsor right now, go to a group meeting tomorrow, and get back into doing all of my daily's. I have been seriously slacking on that and I can't do that.

Am I upset with myself? Yes...I am. I let my guard down today because I had gotten 30 days in a row of sobriety. However...I have pushed the line a couple times and it was getting more frequent. Ugh...gotta do better now!

This is my daily experience...and today is especially important. Feel free to comment in if you have any wise words...even if it isn't wise I would love to hear from you. I pray I can get 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Art of Manliness

28 days sober:

I started a book yesterday called The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man. I've been wanting to read this book for awhile, and it is so much better than I expected! I love reading it!

The first chapter (I have only read the first chapter so far) is about how to be a Gentleman. It talks about how you should dress, about wearing a suit...it pretty much was awesome. So, how does all of this apply to recovery? Well, I have been learning about myself and I have always wanted to be a gentleman. I've tried to be all my life and here is something that will help me on my way to that goal. Fulfilling goals is always a good thing. Unless your goal is bad...then it is ultimately a bad thing, but for now let's assume everyone's goals are good!

 I am excited to read the rest of the book. I'll see what else it can teach me.

On the topic of recovery, life is going great. I am loving my life and I feel like I am finally starting to breathe. Now, I need to make sure I don't get complacent and slip, but I sure am grateful for the amount of sobriety the Lord has given me so far. My head is much clearer, avoiding temptations is much easier; life is just much more enjoyable.

I take life one day, one hour, one minute at a time. This is the key, along with being grateful for what the Lord has given me. I love my life and I can't wait until I can firmly say that I am a recovering sex-aholic and that it will be something significant.

This is my experience and this is my life. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery...it means so much to me. My Father in Heaven is the only one who can give that to me though and for that I am truly grateful!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Great Gatsby and a haircut

23 days sober:

I think its been awhile since I posted 2 days in a row...exciting eh? Ha ha, well, today I want to write about some thoughts I had while watching The Great Gatsby (not the new one, but the old 1974 one with Robert Redford) as well as write about how excited I am about getting a haircut!

The Great Gatsby - I thought it was a great movie and very well done, but the whole story just unnerved me a bit. I mean, a married couple are both having affairs with other people and then they end up together at the end again! I guess I understand Gatsby going after Daisy a little bit...he used to love her and the reason she didn't marry him was because he didn't have money. So, he spend 8 years making a fortune and then goes back to the dream he once had of marrying the girl he loved. A great story, but totally impractical.

When life goes on without us, we need to adapt and look at our changed circumstances. Something as important and impregnable as a marriage should never be tried with remembrances of past love. Daisy and Tom might not have loved each other as strongly as Daisy and Gatsby did, but surely they could have grown into their love and made something of it. Of course, it would have taken both partners being faithful.

I want my marriage to be happy. I want my wife to be perfectly devoted to me and I hope and pray with all my heart I can give her the same. I want my wife to know that I love her. I want to make her happy and smile every day. I hope I can do that.

Now, onto something I am very excited about; getting a haircut! My hair has been looking awful these last couple weeks while I have been recovering. Now, I know I'm recovering and I shouldn't care what my hair looks like, but I am a person who likes to have a good self-image. I like to present myself to people and I like to look good. I know my hair looks good shorter and so I have been having a hard time coping with how my hair looks right now. But, tomorrow that will all change! I just hope I have someone cut my hair that knows what they are doing and can make it look good.

I need something little like this to be excited about. I am glad I can be excited about it and I can't wait!

This is my experience today. I am grateful for my life and for the inspiring lives of others! I pray I can have another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Scraping by while trying to be refined

18 days sober:

Well, I came close to slipping up about 10 minutes ago. I have an obsession with sports bras. For some reason I find them very triggering and very attractive. And for the last couple days I haven't been able to get sports bras off my mind! It seems like each female I look at is almost instantly slipped into a sports bra in my mind in order to see how she looks in one...that is sick. I am sometimes blown away by what my mind will do in order to get the next "fix."

I posted a couple days ago about refinement. Well, I didn't go too much into my thoughts on the matter. I just posted the article I had read and mentioned that people should read it. So here are a couple of my thoughts.

Refinement - this is something I strive for. I want to be a gentleman. I want my language to be refined and elegant. I would like my appearance to be clean, neat, and respectable. I want to be familiar with the great works on literature, music, and art. Art not so much, but music and literature? Yes...I want to know them and love them. I want people to respect me and see me as a man of my word and as a person who will do whatever I say. Starting off great as a sex-addict right? Ha ha, yeah...not so much.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. The day I read the article I listened to some classical music, started memorizing a poem (IF by Rudyard Kipling), and didn't watch as many movies as I usually do.

*Side note: I am recovering from a surgery and am consigned to a couch. Movies are one of the things I can do while I am sitting here.*

BUT, that devotion to becoming refined only lasted that one day. Today I have watched a lot of movies and boy...I sure came close to slipping up! What causes this? True...I am a bit more tired today and yesterday than I have been...so tonight I will go to bed a bit earlier and try to sleep longer so I am not struggling with being tired.

Back to refinement. I need to be patient with myself as I try to establish habits of refinement. Only by making more, better habits will I be able to become refined.

This is my daily check in, and this is my experience. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Living a life of refinement

16 days sober:

Yesterday I had something wonderful happen to me. I had a group of friends from the apartment complex I live in at school come down to my parents' house (where I am staying while I recover from my surgery) and visit with me. In the LDS Church we do something we call Family Home Evening (FHE). Typically we sing a hymn from our Church hymnal, pray together, have a discussion on a gospel topic or about a talk that one of our Church leaders gave, have treats, and then play a game together or have some other type of activity. So, this is what this group of friends did! They came down to have FHE with me and to help me feel like I am still a part of my ward at school. (In the Church we organize our congregations into things called wards. Typically they have about 200 to 600 people in them.)

So, this is what happened to me. Now why is this wonderful? Well, for 2 reasons.

1. Because they took time to drive down and see me, I felt loved and noticed by them. I felt like I was still a part of my ward, something I have been struggling with - not feeling loved by anyone other than my parents.
2. The discussion we had as a group really opened my mind up to how I should be spending my time right now while I am recovering as well as how I can spend my life in search for information and knowledge.

The talk we discussed was this: Our Refined Heavenly Home

If you get a chance, I would strongly recommend reading it. It is an amazing talk and the information and ideas in it are very well thought out and presented.

Basically the visit was an answer to my prayers and questions. Some of which I didn't even know I had! How does this apply to recovery as a sexaddict? Well, it gave me strength to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who cares about me and who blesses me. Strength to continue on when my struggle to recover seems pointless. I am grateful for that.

This is my daily experience and check in, and I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery and sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Worst year of my life

13 days sober:

The last year has been one of the hardest/worst years ever. But it has also been very good.
The bad:

• Sick over Christmas break from school while all my extended family was visiting. Couldn't do anything with them. Couldn't eat any good food.
• Girlfriend announced over Christmas break that she was going to leave on a mission.
• Can't get any length of sobriety or recovery from my sex addiction.
• Went in for surgery in February and was limited to activities that I could do from a couch - for 15 weeks.
• Girlfriend left on mission.
• Went in for surgery again in June.
• Because of surgeries can't do anything I love to do - outdoors activities, running, biking, hiking - and won't be able to for another year.

The good:

• Surgery is fixing a problem that would have caused serious pain in the very near future and for the rest of my life.
• I still have my life.
• I am in a recovery program.

I've been feeling very discouraged for the last while because of how much negative there has been in my life. I have not been doing enough to grow my life in my church and I have not been doing enough to recover. I feel like my life is crumbling because I can't do anything I love because I am in a cast and can't run, or bike, or work out. Any dates I go on are really lame because I can't do anything fun. So...my life pretty much sucks right now.

This is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and growth spiritually.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Making a decision to love and be happy

12 days sober:

For Independence Day all of my siblings and I all gathered at our parents' home in order to celebrate and have a mini family reunion. I have two 4 year-old nieces and then two more nieces who are twins and are about 10 months old. For some reason they have all been super tired and screaming and running around the house. Well, that is the behavior you would expect from kids that old, but it was still getting on my nerves.

Why? Well, since getting my surgery last week on Friday I haven't had much patience. I've been doing my best to not get upset with my parents taking care of me because that usually gets on my nerves! Then, to add in the pain I have from the surgery which at times is excruciating, I am on the edge basically all the time. Having some screaming kids running around really helped me get frustrated and angry.

So, I moved all my recovery stuff down to my room in order to not be around all of the others. What does this all have to do with recovery? Well, what I decided to do next is the important part.

I believe a positive mindset is one of the most important tools in my toolbox of recovery. The times when I have had a positive mindset...when I have felt like I can recover from this no matter how many times I fall, I recover in great leaps and bounds! (Now I have to be careful right now because I am starting to feel confident and boastful...which are precisely the moods I get in right before I start my slide to acting out) So, I made a decision to be happy and to just love my family. I want to be positive!

"But it's not that easy." - This might be running through your mind right now. Here's my answer - Yes, you can't just make this decision ONE time...its the same concept of staying sober. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. This is how I live and this is how I can stay positive. I have made a negative attitude such a strong habit in my life that it will take awhile to switch that habit over to being positive.

After I made this decision it was a lot easier to be around my family. I still get frustrated, but I am more able to forgive, surrender, and change my attitude. I am so grateful the Lord helped me do this. Without His help I would not be able to be where I am today.

This is my daily experience and this is my check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

My bottom lines and surgery

9 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I have been sober for 9 days! I am still just taking it one day at a time though. That is the only way I will be able to rely on God enough to have His strength, love, and power in my life so I can beat this addiction.

Today I wanted to list out my bottom lines. Bottom lines are things I will never do because I know that if I do one of them, then acting out is right around the corner. Since coming up with these I have not been perfect, but they have sure helped me recognize when I am on the edge of acting out and they have helped me step away from that tipping point many times.

Here they are:

• I will never be on the internet alone
• I will never have my laptop in my room ( I live in an apartment with 3 other guys and it would be really easy to isolate myself in my room)
• I will always have at least 3 meals a day - Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
• I will always get at least 6 hours of sleep a night
• I will be in bed by 11 pm every night
• Every shower I take will be 10 minutes or less

These are boundaries I have set so that I will know if I am getting close to acting out. I am grateful for my sponsor for reminding me to do this. He also helped me come up with a couple of them.

I am very grateful for doctors right now. I had surgery this last Friday and I am so grateful that the doctors have the knowledge they do so they can fix my leg.  The wonders we have available to us through the medical field are amazing!

Well, this is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

I'm a Mormon and love it

7 days sober:

Yesterday I attended a special broadcast for the LDS Church (Mormon Church) and was totally blown away by the feelings I had while I was there. After realizing yesterday that I need to get out and talk to people more I was really excited to attend this broadcast. As the Church of Jesus Christ we as members are called to take the Lord's gospel to all the world. We are called to share this gospel with our friends and neighbors and really do our best to be good friends and neighbors to all those around us.

Also, we have missionaries who are called to preach the gospel full-time. The boys, who are called around age 18, serve a mission for 2 years and girls, who are called around age 19, serve a mission for 18 months or a year and a half. I myself served a mission when I was 19 and returned from that mission about 2 years ago. It was one of the most wonderful and hardest times of my life. I loved every minute of it though!

When I heard the message at the broadcast that members and missionaries are supposed to work together more I felt really good about that! So, in keeping with yesterday's post, I am going to go out and try to make as many friends as I can so I can share the wonderful gospel with them. Not that I am going to make friends with them just to share the gospel with them, but I am going to make friends and then share the gospel with them because I love them.

This is making me excited and I can't wait to get out and talk with people!

So, this is my daily check in and these are my hopes and dreams. I want to surround myself with those that I love...and I want to love those who are around me. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Friends are valuable...more so than gold!

6 days sober:

Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!

So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!

So, that is my experience today. Friends give me a way to focus on others...and keep my attention away from myself. I hope it won't be in a negative way, but in a way that will help me to change the way I am and a way to help me be better. Also, friends provide a nice way to satisfy my craving of wanting to be loved and accepted. This is a much healthier way than turning to Porn or Masturbation!

This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A night free from my computer

4 days sober:

Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!

I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!

I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.

I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.

This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

B.L.A.S.T. and H.A.L.T.

(My Post from yesterday)
3 days sober:

Well, I have a lot of warning signs coming at me today. I stayed up pretty late last night talking with a girl and then talking with my roommates. I then got up early to work with my dad on a business...so now I am tired. I noticed as I worked with him I was getting quite annoyed. I also noticed (with loud hints from my stomach) that I had not eaten up to that point. Hungry ... Annoyed (Angry) ... Tired ... hmmm! Sounds like H.A.L.T! That is one of the warning mechanisms that we have in SA.

What do I do now? How do I stop the slide downhill? Here's the steps I've thought of right now:

1. Call someone and let them know - if I let someone know I am having a struggle then somehow it takes a great weight off my shoulders of having to bear it alone. Also, they usually have an idea of what I can do next.
2. Take a nap - If I am tired...maybe I need to just take a 15 to 20 min nap. In the past when I have done this I have felt a lot better after doing this, and then the H in H.A.L.T. is taken care of!
3. Eat something - Its a simple matter of taking care of my body. I am hungry, so I should eat! I've been really lax in eating these last couple days because I am going into surgery in a couple days, so I have kind of built up an extended hunger period.
4. Smile - I have found this changes my attitude - even when I am tired and hungry - faster than anything else. Smiling, and doing my best to keep a positive mindset brings my spirits up and makes it a lot easier for other people to be around me.

That is what I do...I hope it helps others!

Here is a description of the acronyms:

Hungry                                                           Bored
Angry                                                             Lonely
Lonely                                                            Angry
Tired                                                               Stressed
                                                                       Tired

This is my experience today and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Mapping it all out: life, recovery, and work

2 days sober:

This morning I sat down to work on my latest work project and I realized I didn't know exactly how the process would flow and work. I knew what the different parts were, but I hadn't taken the time to sit down and write it all out. So, I did just that! I sat down, made a mind map for the process I am working on, and then identified the different parts I needed to work on.

The more I think about this, the more I notice how this can apply to life. I have certain long range goals like getting married, having kids, having enough money to be comfortable as well as help others, be faithful in my church callings, and eventually live with God again (If you have any questions about Mormon's beliefs on this I invite you to visit mormon.org and search out Eternal Life). These are my goals...but how am I going to get there? Why do I want these things? What will I do every year, month, day, in order to see these goals come to fruition?

This goes along with recovery from my addiction as well. I have a long range goal of 6 months sobriety. What am I doing today to reach that? How am I acting today that will influence what happens tomorrow? How am I taking "One day at a time," as the SA program talks about, in order to keep on track to my goal? Why do I even want this?

I need to overcome my laziness and remember the long perspective of things. One thing we talk about in my church is having an Eternal Perspective. That means we try to remember how everything in this life fits into the Plan of Happiness God has set up for us. I invite you to check out our beliefs if you don't already know what we believe. I find great comfort in the teachings of the Prophets and Apostles and I know my life is better for living the Gospel.

What a wonderful insight I had today...I am very grateful for it! I pray I will be able to get another 24 hours of sobriety and I pray my experience will help someone else. This is my daily check in. I commit to being sober for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

3 Things I am grateful for today:

1. Nature - I drove my dad and uncle up the canyon by our house this morning so that they could go on an early morning ride. As I drove I noticed the beauty of nature. I was up on a ridge for a bit and looking out across the valleys that surrounded me helped me remember that God loves me. He created this world so that we could enjoy the beauty of His creations. Well, there were a lot of other reasons as well, but that is one of them!
2. Family - My uncle is visiting the different family members around our area. While he was here it was really nice to talk with him and reconnect with him. He is a stalwart member in the Church and I really admire him. I am grateful for wonderful family and for the support and love each member gives the others around him/her.
3. Technology - This morning I am sitting on a couch, writing this...and it can be read from all over the world! How amazing is that? And what is more is people can look at this on their phones! I remember when my dad first got a cell phone...yeah, we've come a long way from that time. Also, I am working on something that will make my living (if all goes as planned) and all of it is online! Technology is amazing. I am so grateful for the people who were inspired and acted on those thoughts. Without them we would still be making cave drawings!