A New Start (Again)

4 Days Sober

I've decided to start again. This blog that is.

I relapsed four days ago and since then I have been a wreck. I've been depressed, angry, resentful, frustrated, sad, lost, hurt, and a whole host of other negative emotions. I don't know of any other way of dealing with this other than to write about it. I've had this blog pop into my head the last couple of days, so maybe I need to listen to God's prompting and actually do something with this. I hope it means something to someone else, but at the very least it will help me.

Maybe that needs to be the point.

I really want to recover. I've been reading out of Clayton M. Christensen's book How Will You Measure Your Life, well I actually finished it and then passed it on to my wife so she can read it. I really want to go back through and jot down some of the main points though, because I really want to change my life. From what I can remember, he made some really spot-on comments about how to live a righteous, connected life. Well, as spot-on as I can judge as an insane, out-of-control sex addict, right?

(There's been a lot of that too...self-deprecation)

Another book I've been reading is Stephen R. Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I DO remember what I've been listening to (yeah, I have an audiobook version, so I'm not actually reading it). Mostly because I listened to it today while hiking, so I haven't had a whole ton of time to forget it. One thing he mentioned was the idea that we are and can be pro-active. I like that and I want to be as pro-active as I can be. Why? Because Covey said that between stimulus and response we have the ability to choose. I want to believe that and apply that to my life. I want to be able to choose a good way to respond to a sex trigger. I have hope that I can.

So, my point for today? I'm back. And I feel alone. My marriage isn't what I expected it to be, my wife isn't who I expected her to be, and I feel like I don't have many friends in the world. I hope that by getting my thoughts out on paper I can start opening up to those around me and start making connections with them. Maybe after I fix all of the myriad of psychological, emotional, and spiritual problems I have. Maybe then someone will want to be around me. (I think what I'm doing is bad, but I don't really care. It feels good.)

Even though I don't feel particularly Grateful or Hopeful right now, I'll take another 24 hours.

-GH

Revisiting Surrender

72 days sober:

Surrender. This is a word I have really struggled to understand. I don't fully understand it yet and I'm not sure I will ever. But I want to. I am trying to now.

I started over on the 12 Steps today. "What? You have 72 days of sobriety! You should be on like step 5 or something!" Yeah, well, I haven't been working the steps. I have gotten this far only through God's help.

I believe recovery is possible but I haven't always. As of yesterday I was a little doubtful. There was a little nagging feeling in the back of my mind while I was in group yesterday. That feeling was doubt. Its worse than fear.

I have a goal this week to read Step One material every day and then write about it. Write my thoughts. Write my feelings. Write quotes so I can remember them.

Surrender is...the key...to a joyful and purposeful life with others.

As I finished reading about Step One in the White Book of SA, I read something I haven't ever seen or thought of before. This sentence talked about sexual sobriety and emotional sobriety. For so long I have been focused on my sexual sobriety and wondering when I would be able to have a year, two, five, ten.

Mind opened today.

I'm 72 days sexually sober, but today I am starting my emotional sobriety. I am not going to count days, but I AM going to strive for emotional sobriety every day. Without this side of recovery...there will be no recovery.

I am powerless over my defects: resentment, anger, pride, annoyance with others, tiredness, dependency...and I am still working on finding others. But, I am powerless over them. I cannot control them without God's help.

I surrender myself to Thee, God, to do with me as Thou wilt.

With that, I will take another 24 hours.

-GH

Reminder To Call

2 days sober:

I got a phone call when I was working this morning from another guy in SA. I wasn't able to answer it due to the fact that I was working, but after I got off I called him back and talked with him.

Obviously I won't share what he shared with me, but I will share the feelings I had while talking with him.

• I felt happy.
• I felt hope.
• I felt strength from another as we were vulnerable and shared with each other our problems and thoughts. We truly connected as we talked.
• I felt reassured that I am on the right path. Not from the fellow SA member, but from God.
• I felt renewed determination to battle my faults.

My point with all of this is that these feelings came from my being honest with him and also my being vulnerable. I was impressed with that today as I spoke with him and I am very grateful that I was able to feel this and be aware enough to realize what I was feeling.

This is my experience and this is my daily check-in.

-GH

A Good Storm

1 day sober:

Today I would like to list off the things I am grateful for. I am about to go to bed and I thought this would be a good practice to start up again.

• I am grateful for how blessed I have been able to stay within my budget so far this month. Even with acting out every few days I have been able to stay within my budget. Usually I go on binge spending or I try to make myself feel better by buying quite a few things. That hasn't happened this month and I am grateful for this!
• I am grateful I have a job and can make money for my future marriage. Saving this money has helped me realize that I can do so much with the Lord's help...but only with His help. I am lost without Him.
•  I am grateful for the storm that we had yesterday where I live. For the last while the air quality has been awful, but the intense wind yesterday blew all that nasty air out of the valley and so now we have some very clear air with which to appreciate the beautiful creations God has blessed us with.

• I am grateful for the wonderful cooking skills of my fiance. We had some wonderful pancakes for lunch and as I ate them I just became VERY grateful for her cooking skills. She is so wonderful.

This is my experience and this is my check in. Here's to another 24 hours of recovery.

-GH

Scared of Mr. Banks

0 days sober:

Its been awhile since I posted, but I thought now would be a good opportunity to post something.

I went to the movie theater on Saturday with my fiance to see Saving Mr. Banks and was thoroughly amazed! I expected the movie to be good, but I wasn't sure how good it was going to be. The songs, humor, and thoughtful moments kept me engaged the whole time...but the one thing I didn't expect was to be scared down to my core. Here's why:

In the movie Saving Mr. Banks the life of the writer P. L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, is depicted as the inspiration for the story of Mary Poppins. However, her story isn't all sunshine and roses; her father, Travers Goff, loses his job several times and eventually dies because of fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. Throughout the movie you see the heartache and pain that his addiction causes his family. You also see Travers create an imaginary world that he uses to try to escape his addiction.

The movie Mary Poppins is such a wonderful story of redemption; even though he has become distracted, Mr. Banks is able to turn his heart to his children and be a part of their lives again.

As I watched this struggle and coping mechanism, I saw a possible future of my own life. I broke down in the car on the way home as I expressed to my fiance the fears I experienced and continued to experience after the movie. She could tell something was off and so she was gracious enough to ask...she is so wonderful to me.

I know that with God I can overcome this addiction. I slipped up this morning, but I commit to being sober for the rest of today. I am powerless over lust and I 

This is my experience and this is my check in today. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His guiding influence in my life.

Grateful and Hopeful

In The Hour of Affliction

0 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.

Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.

I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.

I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:

• Get to bed by 11 on school nights
• Wake up at 6:30 every morning
• Study the LDS gospel principles every morning

I think this will really help me this week. However...today is all I can promise. I will be sober for the rest of today!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Lord is My Strength

2 days sober:

I am LDS. I accept the LDS scriptures as doctrine. We have a section of our canon of scripture called The Pearl of Great Price. In this book there is a book called the Book of Abraham. While reading out of that this morning I realized that God is all-powerful. Why I haven't relied on Him before now I don't know...I guess I just like to feel in-control of my life.

From my reading and pondering this morning, I decided that I will do my best today to rely on His direction. I am going to start off my day by letting Him know I want to be directed by Him today and then heading out.

This is my hope for recovery, and this is my checking in for the day.

Here's to another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

One day at a time

2 days sober:

We have a common saying or ideal that we try to live by in SA. That is to take our recovery one day at a time.

I don't do very well in thinking about this on a daily basis. Today I didn't really think about my recovery at all...until I caught myself taking street lust hits on some of the girls in the library I was walking through. I caught myself and for one of the very few times so far, I immediately thought about calling someone to get the shame and frustration out of my head. Not only to shed it, but to establish a connection with someone.

So, while I don't do very well in living this ideal, I did make a commitment with my Accountability Partner to be sober today. I can only promise sobriety for the rest of today because tomorrow is a whole new day.

This is my experience and I commit to sobriety for the rest of today.

-Grateful and Hopeful

A New Start 2x

1 day sober:

Today is a new start for me in several ways, and while I am excited about this I am also a bit cautious. In what ways am is today a new start for me? Here you go:

• I start my school classes today.

After spending a summer recovering from a surgery, I am ready to do something. I am ready for class. Learning something has become a love of mine. I am very excited to start my classes because I want to learn as much as I can.

• I start my sobriety again today.

Last night I stayed up too late and relapsed.  I am worried about this one. I am excited to be starting over, but I also am worried. The first couple days are hard.

Well, that is what is going on with me today.

This is my daily experience. I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Becoming Grateful

4 days sober:

Yesterday I had something happen that was very important to me. I was reminded of something I need to do every day that I haven't been doing; being grateful for the things that happen in my life. Here is how I was reminded:

Yesterday morning my Accountability Partner called me because he needed some help. We chatted for awhile, both of us talked about problems we have been having, and then we went on with our respective days. I had a wonderful day filled with relaxation, time with my girlfriend, getting ready for the next semester at college, and spending time with a friend because he needed it.

There were a couple bad parts though. I tried to work on a project for a choir I am in, but I felt too lazy. I wasn't able to procure a computer with the right software and so I rationalized that there wasn't anything I could do. I then rationalized that my friend needed me to spend time with him as bro's rather than going to my SA group meeting. (I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow morning to make up for it) These kinds of rationalizations are dangerous for me because of the mindset I put myself in.

As I started getting into bed I had some inappropriate  thoughts about my girlfriend, trying to guess what she was wearing while playing tennis. I caught myself thinking those though and decided to surrender the desire to think of her in that way to the Lord. I prayed, was able to surrender the thoughts, and then went to bed.

Right as I was falling asleep my Accountability Partner called again. I was super happy to talk to him and I could tell he needed some time to talk. So, he talked for about 20 minutes straight about his feelings and why he was feeling triggered and desiring watching some movie. As he talked I was reminded of how I used to write down 3 things I was grateful for that day. Things the Lord had done for me that day. As my AP talked I didn't see why I was thinking of this and then he said this, "I just don't know what to do right now to get my mind off of what I was watching last week." Bingo! I shared with him my idea and then we ended the call.

The point to this story is that the Lord used me to help my AP, but he also reminded me of something I needed to be doing. As I got out of bed to write down the ways the Lord had touched my life that day, I immediately thought of my AP calling.

Gratitude is essential for my to keep my recovery in perspective. I have a bigger purpose than just making myself happy. I have a loving Father in Heaven who wants me to live with Him after I die. I can only do that if I live his gospel. I am very grateful for that reminder yesterday.

This is my daily experience and this is my prayer for another 24 hours of recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Thoughts during a relapse

4 days sober:

I had a revelation Sunday night after my relapse. Well, it was actually right in the middle of it. This is the email I sent myself after my relapse: (Some of the words and terminology I use are common amongst members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I will try to explain what might not be understood)

"As I watched the porn video tonight I identified a different feeling. I've had this before while watching, but I never was able to identify what it was I was feeling. Tonight I think I understand better.
As I watched two women going at it and one being stimulated to orgasm I felt, very clearly, a strong aversion. In other words, I felt like it was wrong to watch that video. I don't think it was because I was breaking the Law of Chastity (a commandment from God that says not to have any sexual relations except between husband and wife), but because the act I was witnessing is such a sacred act that there shouldn't ever be videos made of it for others to view let alone it ever being put to film.
I think it is very interesting how I feel this now. I think I am starting to understand what Elder Holland meant when he gave the talk, Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. (This was a talk that an Apostle gave at Brigham Young University) The power to create is so sacred and holy that I should only share it with the one special person with whom I am going to be married and sealed to for all eternity. (In the holy temples we build we are able to perform certain ordinances that will seal a husband and wife together so they will be married for all time here on earth as well as for the eternities after we die)
Now, how can I remember this from day to day so I can keep myself clean for her?
Print this off and read it each morning? Expound on it each day?
Pray for the ability to remember these feelings each day?
I need to do this each day though. I can feel that this realization is important for my recovery. I am grateful God was able to touch my heart tonight. Very grateful."

I have thought about this experience the last couple days. I have thought about it a lot...and it actually saved me this morning. I got up because of a truck that was working outside my window (very noisy, couldn't keep sleeping) and then had the thought, "I really don't want to call my accountability partner today." WARNING!!!! Yeah, I'm supposed to call him when I am done with this post, but I am so glad I was blessed with the presence of mind to notice the danger sign. Last night I was in danger as well, but I was able to go to an SA group meeting and then spend time with my girlfriend so I wasn't tempted to look at porn or anything.

I guess the focus of my post is having a clear presence of mind. Mine started Sunday night and I am very grateful for that. It isn't staying with me all the time...I have to work at it. I can't expect my mind to stay clear all the time because the tracks in my mind I paved while in the depths of my addiction are still very accessible.I can't just glide...I have to actively work to be in tune, or to have a connection with God.

I am grateful for this experience. I commit to being sober for the next 12 and 1/2 hours (until 12 am at which point I will be in bed asleep). This is my daily experience and this is my hope for recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Responsibility is not fun?

1 day sober:

Today has had many different things happen, but the one thing that is on my mind...foremost at least, is when I slipped up last. It was last night around 2 am. Why was I up? Because I wanted to keep watching How I Met Your Mother episodes...yeah, that was the reason.

My plan last night was to be up and working around 9 in the morning. That didn't work because I didn't go to sleep until 5:15 this morning. I have been shirking responsibility for the past week. Staying up late, not reading anything I should, not keeping engagements that I don't think are fun...just things like that.

Why am I doing this? Is it because I'm just a flake and can't take responsibility? I'm not sure. I feel like I can be responsible when I want to be, but most times it is just so easy to not be. I guess I just need to man up and do my best in every way.

So, I need to call my sponsor today. That is my goal.

This is my daily experience and check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Home Cooked Meal

29 days sober:

My dad and I are launching a business in the next two weeks and so I have a lot to do...working with him to get it all ready. So, after living up at my apartment for a couple days, 4 to be exact, I decided to come down to my parent's house in order to be closer to my dad so we can work together better...but the wonderful meals my mom fixes are a lot better than what I usually eat on my own. So, that is a nice bonus.

But, I'm not only bragging about my mom's cooking here...this has made me reflect on what it means to have a home. I don't consider my apartment to be my home. It is a place I stay, but the place I really feel safe and warm in is my parent's house. I know I can come here any time I need to and I can be safe here. I am very grateful I have a place like that.

Feeling like I belong somewhere is crucial to my recovery. That is just one more sense of comfort that I have that makes me comfortable. Along with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (and all the wonderful blessings of peace and happiness that come along with living the gospel) I have so many blessings in my life. A wonderful family, a cute (new) girlfriend, a car that drives, a bed to sleep in, food to eat...my life really is great.

So, I will be grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life. With this gratitude will come a greater appreciation for the things around me and I will ultimately become more loving. As I do this I believe I will be able to stay in recovery...but really the only one who can help me with that is my Heavenly Father. God is the only one who can help me get lasting recovery. I am so grateful He is in my life and I love Him so much!

This is my daily check in and my experience. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Art of Manliness

28 days sober:

I started a book yesterday called The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man. I've been wanting to read this book for awhile, and it is so much better than I expected! I love reading it!

The first chapter (I have only read the first chapter so far) is about how to be a Gentleman. It talks about how you should dress, about wearing a suit...it pretty much was awesome. So, how does all of this apply to recovery? Well, I have been learning about myself and I have always wanted to be a gentleman. I've tried to be all my life and here is something that will help me on my way to that goal. Fulfilling goals is always a good thing. Unless your goal is bad...then it is ultimately a bad thing, but for now let's assume everyone's goals are good!

 I am excited to read the rest of the book. I'll see what else it can teach me.

On the topic of recovery, life is going great. I am loving my life and I feel like I am finally starting to breathe. Now, I need to make sure I don't get complacent and slip, but I sure am grateful for the amount of sobriety the Lord has given me so far. My head is much clearer, avoiding temptations is much easier; life is just much more enjoyable.

I take life one day, one hour, one minute at a time. This is the key, along with being grateful for what the Lord has given me. I love my life and I can't wait until I can firmly say that I am a recovering sex-aholic and that it will be something significant.

This is my experience and this is my life. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery...it means so much to me. My Father in Heaven is the only one who can give that to me though and for that I am truly grateful!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Great Gatsby and a haircut

23 days sober:

I think its been awhile since I posted 2 days in a row...exciting eh? Ha ha, well, today I want to write about some thoughts I had while watching The Great Gatsby (not the new one, but the old 1974 one with Robert Redford) as well as write about how excited I am about getting a haircut!

The Great Gatsby - I thought it was a great movie and very well done, but the whole story just unnerved me a bit. I mean, a married couple are both having affairs with other people and then they end up together at the end again! I guess I understand Gatsby going after Daisy a little bit...he used to love her and the reason she didn't marry him was because he didn't have money. So, he spend 8 years making a fortune and then goes back to the dream he once had of marrying the girl he loved. A great story, but totally impractical.

When life goes on without us, we need to adapt and look at our changed circumstances. Something as important and impregnable as a marriage should never be tried with remembrances of past love. Daisy and Tom might not have loved each other as strongly as Daisy and Gatsby did, but surely they could have grown into their love and made something of it. Of course, it would have taken both partners being faithful.

I want my marriage to be happy. I want my wife to be perfectly devoted to me and I hope and pray with all my heart I can give her the same. I want my wife to know that I love her. I want to make her happy and smile every day. I hope I can do that.

Now, onto something I am very excited about; getting a haircut! My hair has been looking awful these last couple weeks while I have been recovering. Now, I know I'm recovering and I shouldn't care what my hair looks like, but I am a person who likes to have a good self-image. I like to present myself to people and I like to look good. I know my hair looks good shorter and so I have been having a hard time coping with how my hair looks right now. But, tomorrow that will all change! I just hope I have someone cut my hair that knows what they are doing and can make it look good.

I need something little like this to be excited about. I am glad I can be excited about it and I can't wait!

This is my experience today. I am grateful for my life and for the inspiring lives of others! I pray I can have another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Enjoying the life I lead

22 days sober:

I had another close call yesterday. I jumped on the internet and watched some videos...I guess I could reset my sobriety because of it, but I also know that it didn't effect me like other times when I have reset my sobriety. I'm not sure why, but I am going to think a lot more on it.

Anyway, to the title and subject of my post. (Almost wrote poast...interesting way to write it and I'm not quite sure what a poast would be...maybe a post made by an addict?) How can I enjoy the life I live? Here are a couple ways I do this*.

• Write a list of 3 things I am grateful for each night. - When I do this I realize what great things I do have in my life. I usually don't stop at 3 because once I start (unless I am having an unbelievably hard day) the things that are wonderful in my life just tend to pour into my mind. So fast that it is hard to finish the thoughts of the original 3 things I am grateful for.
• Do things I find joy in. - This is one of the more important things I do. Finding things I enjoy and then doing them - listening to music, playing the violin (something I need to start doing again), drawing, writing, talking with friends, reading a good novel, watching a movie - brings a certain enjoyment into my life that is hard to get in any other way.
• Try to learn at least one new thing a day. - I try to read books that educate me, and through reading these book I am expanding my knowledge every day. Now, the days I don't read and learn usually are the days I come to the end of feeling unfulfilled. There are a lot of things that contribute to that feeling but not learning something or not trying to improve what I know definitely contributes to feeling unfulfilled.
• Express my gratitude to those around me. - This is the fastest way I know of to turn my mood around. If I can change the way I think about and look at the people around me...see them as someone contributing to my life instead of taking away from it, I can consequently change my attitude. I end up being happier because of this.
• Read and study The Book of Mormon. - This is my main indicator of whether or not my day is going to go well. If I read and study out of The Book of Mormon in the morning of my day then my day invariably ends up better than it would have been otherwise. In other words, the days I do read and study The Book of Mormon are better than the days I don't.

Now, this is not a fool-proof list. There are days I have that are just bad. I have to accept that. Sometimes that can be very uncomfortable, but that is just life!

If you get a chance, watch the video on this link. Warning, it is on youtube so if one of your bottom lines is to not get on youtube alone then I'd suggest going and getting someone to watch with you.

  Bring a smile to your face

Well, that is my experience today and this is my daily check-in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Scraping by while trying to be refined

18 days sober:

Well, I came close to slipping up about 10 minutes ago. I have an obsession with sports bras. For some reason I find them very triggering and very attractive. And for the last couple days I haven't been able to get sports bras off my mind! It seems like each female I look at is almost instantly slipped into a sports bra in my mind in order to see how she looks in one...that is sick. I am sometimes blown away by what my mind will do in order to get the next "fix."

I posted a couple days ago about refinement. Well, I didn't go too much into my thoughts on the matter. I just posted the article I had read and mentioned that people should read it. So here are a couple of my thoughts.

Refinement - this is something I strive for. I want to be a gentleman. I want my language to be refined and elegant. I would like my appearance to be clean, neat, and respectable. I want to be familiar with the great works on literature, music, and art. Art not so much, but music and literature? Yes...I want to know them and love them. I want people to respect me and see me as a man of my word and as a person who will do whatever I say. Starting off great as a sex-addict right? Ha ha, yeah...not so much.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. The day I read the article I listened to some classical music, started memorizing a poem (IF by Rudyard Kipling), and didn't watch as many movies as I usually do.

*Side note: I am recovering from a surgery and am consigned to a couch. Movies are one of the things I can do while I am sitting here.*

BUT, that devotion to becoming refined only lasted that one day. Today I have watched a lot of movies and boy...I sure came close to slipping up! What causes this? True...I am a bit more tired today and yesterday than I have been...so tonight I will go to bed a bit earlier and try to sleep longer so I am not struggling with being tired.

Back to refinement. I need to be patient with myself as I try to establish habits of refinement. Only by making more, better habits will I be able to become refined.

This is my daily check in, and this is my experience. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Living a life of refinement

16 days sober:

Yesterday I had something wonderful happen to me. I had a group of friends from the apartment complex I live in at school come down to my parents' house (where I am staying while I recover from my surgery) and visit with me. In the LDS Church we do something we call Family Home Evening (FHE). Typically we sing a hymn from our Church hymnal, pray together, have a discussion on a gospel topic or about a talk that one of our Church leaders gave, have treats, and then play a game together or have some other type of activity. So, this is what this group of friends did! They came down to have FHE with me and to help me feel like I am still a part of my ward at school. (In the Church we organize our congregations into things called wards. Typically they have about 200 to 600 people in them.)

So, this is what happened to me. Now why is this wonderful? Well, for 2 reasons.

1. Because they took time to drive down and see me, I felt loved and noticed by them. I felt like I was still a part of my ward, something I have been struggling with - not feeling loved by anyone other than my parents.
2. The discussion we had as a group really opened my mind up to how I should be spending my time right now while I am recovering as well as how I can spend my life in search for information and knowledge.

The talk we discussed was this: Our Refined Heavenly Home

If you get a chance, I would strongly recommend reading it. It is an amazing talk and the information and ideas in it are very well thought out and presented.

Basically the visit was an answer to my prayers and questions. Some of which I didn't even know I had! How does this apply to recovery as a sexaddict? Well, it gave me strength to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who cares about me and who blesses me. Strength to continue on when my struggle to recover seems pointless. I am grateful for that.

This is my daily experience and check in, and I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery and sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Making a decision to love and be happy

12 days sober:

For Independence Day all of my siblings and I all gathered at our parents' home in order to celebrate and have a mini family reunion. I have two 4 year-old nieces and then two more nieces who are twins and are about 10 months old. For some reason they have all been super tired and screaming and running around the house. Well, that is the behavior you would expect from kids that old, but it was still getting on my nerves.

Why? Well, since getting my surgery last week on Friday I haven't had much patience. I've been doing my best to not get upset with my parents taking care of me because that usually gets on my nerves! Then, to add in the pain I have from the surgery which at times is excruciating, I am on the edge basically all the time. Having some screaming kids running around really helped me get frustrated and angry.

So, I moved all my recovery stuff down to my room in order to not be around all of the others. What does this all have to do with recovery? Well, what I decided to do next is the important part.

I believe a positive mindset is one of the most important tools in my toolbox of recovery. The times when I have had a positive mindset...when I have felt like I can recover from this no matter how many times I fall, I recover in great leaps and bounds! (Now I have to be careful right now because I am starting to feel confident and boastful...which are precisely the moods I get in right before I start my slide to acting out) So, I made a decision to be happy and to just love my family. I want to be positive!

"But it's not that easy." - This might be running through your mind right now. Here's my answer - Yes, you can't just make this decision ONE time...its the same concept of staying sober. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. This is how I live and this is how I can stay positive. I have made a negative attitude such a strong habit in my life that it will take awhile to switch that habit over to being positive.

After I made this decision it was a lot easier to be around my family. I still get frustrated, but I am more able to forgive, surrender, and change my attitude. I am so grateful the Lord helped me do this. Without His help I would not be able to be where I am today.

This is my daily experience and this is my check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

My bottom lines and surgery

9 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I have been sober for 9 days! I am still just taking it one day at a time though. That is the only way I will be able to rely on God enough to have His strength, love, and power in my life so I can beat this addiction.

Today I wanted to list out my bottom lines. Bottom lines are things I will never do because I know that if I do one of them, then acting out is right around the corner. Since coming up with these I have not been perfect, but they have sure helped me recognize when I am on the edge of acting out and they have helped me step away from that tipping point many times.

Here they are:

• I will never be on the internet alone
• I will never have my laptop in my room ( I live in an apartment with 3 other guys and it would be really easy to isolate myself in my room)
• I will always have at least 3 meals a day - Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
• I will always get at least 6 hours of sleep a night
• I will be in bed by 11 pm every night
• Every shower I take will be 10 minutes or less

These are boundaries I have set so that I will know if I am getting close to acting out. I am grateful for my sponsor for reminding me to do this. He also helped me come up with a couple of them.

I am very grateful for doctors right now. I had surgery this last Friday and I am so grateful that the doctors have the knowledge they do so they can fix my leg.  The wonders we have available to us through the medical field are amazing!

Well, this is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful