A New Start (Again)

4 Days Sober

I've decided to start again. This blog that is.

I relapsed four days ago and since then I have been a wreck. I've been depressed, angry, resentful, frustrated, sad, lost, hurt, and a whole host of other negative emotions. I don't know of any other way of dealing with this other than to write about it. I've had this blog pop into my head the last couple of days, so maybe I need to listen to God's prompting and actually do something with this. I hope it means something to someone else, but at the very least it will help me.

Maybe that needs to be the point.

I really want to recover. I've been reading out of Clayton M. Christensen's book How Will You Measure Your Life, well I actually finished it and then passed it on to my wife so she can read it. I really want to go back through and jot down some of the main points though, because I really want to change my life. From what I can remember, he made some really spot-on comments about how to live a righteous, connected life. Well, as spot-on as I can judge as an insane, out-of-control sex addict, right?

(There's been a lot of that too...self-deprecation)

Another book I've been reading is Stephen R. Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I DO remember what I've been listening to (yeah, I have an audiobook version, so I'm not actually reading it). Mostly because I listened to it today while hiking, so I haven't had a whole ton of time to forget it. One thing he mentioned was the idea that we are and can be pro-active. I like that and I want to be as pro-active as I can be. Why? Because Covey said that between stimulus and response we have the ability to choose. I want to believe that and apply that to my life. I want to be able to choose a good way to respond to a sex trigger. I have hope that I can.

So, my point for today? I'm back. And I feel alone. My marriage isn't what I expected it to be, my wife isn't who I expected her to be, and I feel like I don't have many friends in the world. I hope that by getting my thoughts out on paper I can start opening up to those around me and start making connections with them. Maybe after I fix all of the myriad of psychological, emotional, and spiritual problems I have. Maybe then someone will want to be around me. (I think what I'm doing is bad, but I don't really care. It feels good.)

Even though I don't feel particularly Grateful or Hopeful right now, I'll take another 24 hours.

-GH

Revisiting Surrender

72 days sober:

Surrender. This is a word I have really struggled to understand. I don't fully understand it yet and I'm not sure I will ever. But I want to. I am trying to now.

I started over on the 12 Steps today. "What? You have 72 days of sobriety! You should be on like step 5 or something!" Yeah, well, I haven't been working the steps. I have gotten this far only through God's help.

I believe recovery is possible but I haven't always. As of yesterday I was a little doubtful. There was a little nagging feeling in the back of my mind while I was in group yesterday. That feeling was doubt. Its worse than fear.

I have a goal this week to read Step One material every day and then write about it. Write my thoughts. Write my feelings. Write quotes so I can remember them.

Surrender is...the key...to a joyful and purposeful life with others.

As I finished reading about Step One in the White Book of SA, I read something I haven't ever seen or thought of before. This sentence talked about sexual sobriety and emotional sobriety. For so long I have been focused on my sexual sobriety and wondering when I would be able to have a year, two, five, ten.

Mind opened today.

I'm 72 days sexually sober, but today I am starting my emotional sobriety. I am not going to count days, but I AM going to strive for emotional sobriety every day. Without this side of recovery...there will be no recovery.

I am powerless over my defects: resentment, anger, pride, annoyance with others, tiredness, dependency...and I am still working on finding others. But, I am powerless over them. I cannot control them without God's help.

I surrender myself to Thee, God, to do with me as Thou wilt.

With that, I will take another 24 hours.

-GH

We Have Emotional Needs

0 days sober: (I relapsed last night, so today is day 1)

I went to my SA group this morning and I learned so much. One of the guys was celebrating 2 years of recovery today and so we sang Happy Birthday to him and he brought donuts for us. Kind of like the Hobbit way of having a birthday - give presents to everyone instead of asking them to give them to you.

Anyway, to my real point in this post.

We all have emotional needs. For us Sex Addicts, recovering or not, we have learned to cope with those emotional needs by resorting to some form of sexual stimulation. This does NOT make the problem go away. In fact it is exactly opposite; this way of coping usually makes the problem bigger.

As I sat in group, I tried to figure out what my personal emotional needs are. If I can identify what they are then I can start REALLY trying to meet them instead of just dancing around them. Here is what I thought of:

1. Need to feel like I am relied upon - I want to feel like others rely on me and that I matter to them.
2. Need to feel needed - Similar to the one above, but this is more of a feeling that others need me in their lives. That their lives would be vastly different if I wasn't there.
3. Need to feel appreciated - I want to feel like others see my worth and appreciate it.
4. Need to be loved - This is one I don't fully understand yet...what does it mean to be loved? I think I will be asking that question for the rest of my life.
5. Need to feel thought of - I like it when I feel like others have considered that I exist...and then that they have done something about it.
6. Need to feel content with things around me - I spend so much of my time wishing that I was doing something more. I need to feel content with what I have and where I am.
7. Need to feel accepted - This goes back to the old playground idea. If you're not part of the group then you're going to get made fun of. Having been home-schooled for part of my life, I have a fear of not fitting in with other people.
8. Need to feel connected with others - This is a major one for me. I want to feel like I have a connection with others. That I am more than superficially interacting with them.

What emotional needs do you have?

This is my check in for today. I pray that I will be able to have another 24 hours under my belt next time I post.

-GH

Scared of Mr. Banks

0 days sober:

Its been awhile since I posted, but I thought now would be a good opportunity to post something.

I went to the movie theater on Saturday with my fiance to see Saving Mr. Banks and was thoroughly amazed! I expected the movie to be good, but I wasn't sure how good it was going to be. The songs, humor, and thoughtful moments kept me engaged the whole time...but the one thing I didn't expect was to be scared down to my core. Here's why:

In the movie Saving Mr. Banks the life of the writer P. L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, is depicted as the inspiration for the story of Mary Poppins. However, her story isn't all sunshine and roses; her father, Travers Goff, loses his job several times and eventually dies because of fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. Throughout the movie you see the heartache and pain that his addiction causes his family. You also see Travers create an imaginary world that he uses to try to escape his addiction.

The movie Mary Poppins is such a wonderful story of redemption; even though he has become distracted, Mr. Banks is able to turn his heart to his children and be a part of their lives again.

As I watched this struggle and coping mechanism, I saw a possible future of my own life. I broke down in the car on the way home as I expressed to my fiance the fears I experienced and continued to experience after the movie. She could tell something was off and so she was gracious enough to ask...she is so wonderful to me.

I know that with God I can overcome this addiction. I slipped up this morning, but I commit to being sober for the rest of today. I am powerless over lust and I 

This is my experience and this is my check in today. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His guiding influence in my life.

Grateful and Hopeful

In The Hour of Affliction

0 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.

Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.

I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.

I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:

• Get to bed by 11 on school nights
• Wake up at 6:30 every morning
• Study the LDS gospel principles every morning

I think this will really help me this week. However...today is all I can promise. I will be sober for the rest of today!

-Grateful and Hopeful

The Lord is My Strength

2 days sober:

I am LDS. I accept the LDS scriptures as doctrine. We have a section of our canon of scripture called The Pearl of Great Price. In this book there is a book called the Book of Abraham. While reading out of that this morning I realized that God is all-powerful. Why I haven't relied on Him before now I don't know...I guess I just like to feel in-control of my life.

From my reading and pondering this morning, I decided that I will do my best today to rely on His direction. I am going to start off my day by letting Him know I want to be directed by Him today and then heading out.

This is my hope for recovery, and this is my checking in for the day.

Here's to another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

One day at a time

2 days sober:

We have a common saying or ideal that we try to live by in SA. That is to take our recovery one day at a time.

I don't do very well in thinking about this on a daily basis. Today I didn't really think about my recovery at all...until I caught myself taking street lust hits on some of the girls in the library I was walking through. I caught myself and for one of the very few times so far, I immediately thought about calling someone to get the shame and frustration out of my head. Not only to shed it, but to establish a connection with someone.

So, while I don't do very well in living this ideal, I did make a commitment with my Accountability Partner to be sober today. I can only promise sobriety for the rest of today because tomorrow is a whole new day.

This is my experience and I commit to sobriety for the rest of today.

-Grateful and Hopeful

A New Start 2x

1 day sober:

Today is a new start for me in several ways, and while I am excited about this I am also a bit cautious. In what ways am is today a new start for me? Here you go:

• I start my school classes today.

After spending a summer recovering from a surgery, I am ready to do something. I am ready for class. Learning something has become a love of mine. I am very excited to start my classes because I want to learn as much as I can.

• I start my sobriety again today.

Last night I stayed up too late and relapsed.  I am worried about this one. I am excited to be starting over, but I also am worried. The first couple days are hard.

Well, that is what is going on with me today.

This is my daily experience. I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Thoughts during a relapse

4 days sober:

I had a revelation Sunday night after my relapse. Well, it was actually right in the middle of it. This is the email I sent myself after my relapse: (Some of the words and terminology I use are common amongst members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I will try to explain what might not be understood)

"As I watched the porn video tonight I identified a different feeling. I've had this before while watching, but I never was able to identify what it was I was feeling. Tonight I think I understand better.
As I watched two women going at it and one being stimulated to orgasm I felt, very clearly, a strong aversion. In other words, I felt like it was wrong to watch that video. I don't think it was because I was breaking the Law of Chastity (a commandment from God that says not to have any sexual relations except between husband and wife), but because the act I was witnessing is such a sacred act that there shouldn't ever be videos made of it for others to view let alone it ever being put to film.
I think it is very interesting how I feel this now. I think I am starting to understand what Elder Holland meant when he gave the talk, Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. (This was a talk that an Apostle gave at Brigham Young University) The power to create is so sacred and holy that I should only share it with the one special person with whom I am going to be married and sealed to for all eternity. (In the holy temples we build we are able to perform certain ordinances that will seal a husband and wife together so they will be married for all time here on earth as well as for the eternities after we die)
Now, how can I remember this from day to day so I can keep myself clean for her?
Print this off and read it each morning? Expound on it each day?
Pray for the ability to remember these feelings each day?
I need to do this each day though. I can feel that this realization is important for my recovery. I am grateful God was able to touch my heart tonight. Very grateful."

I have thought about this experience the last couple days. I have thought about it a lot...and it actually saved me this morning. I got up because of a truck that was working outside my window (very noisy, couldn't keep sleeping) and then had the thought, "I really don't want to call my accountability partner today." WARNING!!!! Yeah, I'm supposed to call him when I am done with this post, but I am so glad I was blessed with the presence of mind to notice the danger sign. Last night I was in danger as well, but I was able to go to an SA group meeting and then spend time with my girlfriend so I wasn't tempted to look at porn or anything.

I guess the focus of my post is having a clear presence of mind. Mine started Sunday night and I am very grateful for that. It isn't staying with me all the time...I have to work at it. I can't expect my mind to stay clear all the time because the tracks in my mind I paved while in the depths of my addiction are still very accessible.I can't just glide...I have to actively work to be in tune, or to have a connection with God.

I am grateful for this experience. I commit to being sober for the next 12 and 1/2 hours (until 12 am at which point I will be in bed asleep). This is my daily experience and this is my hope for recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Habit of Relapse

1 day sober:

Yeah, I'm an idiot. Tonight I totally looked up some porn, watched it, and then masturbated. What happened this time?

Well, here's what happened:

• I watched a movie alone that I knew had racy parts in it. Why? Because I wanted to watch the movie. It was about soccer and I thought I would be able to handle it. Yeah, didn't happen did it...
• While watching the movie, instead of focusing on the story I focused on what one of the women in the movie was wearing. Her lingerie was definitely visible. Black lingerie has always been very triggering to me.
• Instead of turning the movie off and calling someone like I should have, I jumped into searching for a video. Found it. Watched it. Masturbated. Felt like crap. (You'd think that since I feel like crap every time I would be able to remember that...and avoid it? Nope...)

So, what am I going to do? I am going to call my sponsor right now, go to a group meeting tomorrow, and get back into doing all of my daily's. I have been seriously slacking on that and I can't do that.

Am I upset with myself? Yes...I am. I let my guard down today because I had gotten 30 days in a row of sobriety. However...I have pushed the line a couple times and it was getting more frequent. Ugh...gotta do better now!

This is my daily experience...and today is especially important. Feel free to comment in if you have any wise words...even if it isn't wise I would love to hear from you. I pray I can get 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Worst year of my life

13 days sober:

The last year has been one of the hardest/worst years ever. But it has also been very good.
The bad:

• Sick over Christmas break from school while all my extended family was visiting. Couldn't do anything with them. Couldn't eat any good food.
• Girlfriend announced over Christmas break that she was going to leave on a mission.
• Can't get any length of sobriety or recovery from my sex addiction.
• Went in for surgery in February and was limited to activities that I could do from a couch - for 15 weeks.
• Girlfriend left on mission.
• Went in for surgery again in June.
• Because of surgeries can't do anything I love to do - outdoors activities, running, biking, hiking - and won't be able to for another year.

The good:

• Surgery is fixing a problem that would have caused serious pain in the very near future and for the rest of my life.
• I still have my life.
• I am in a recovery program.

I've been feeling very discouraged for the last while because of how much negative there has been in my life. I have not been doing enough to grow my life in my church and I have not been doing enough to recover. I feel like my life is crumbling because I can't do anything I love because I am in a cast and can't run, or bike, or work out. Any dates I go on are really lame because I can't do anything fun. So...my life pretty much sucks right now.

This is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and growth spiritually.

-Grateful and Hopeful

My bottom lines and surgery

9 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I have been sober for 9 days! I am still just taking it one day at a time though. That is the only way I will be able to rely on God enough to have His strength, love, and power in my life so I can beat this addiction.

Today I wanted to list out my bottom lines. Bottom lines are things I will never do because I know that if I do one of them, then acting out is right around the corner. Since coming up with these I have not been perfect, but they have sure helped me recognize when I am on the edge of acting out and they have helped me step away from that tipping point many times.

Here they are:

• I will never be on the internet alone
• I will never have my laptop in my room ( I live in an apartment with 3 other guys and it would be really easy to isolate myself in my room)
• I will always have at least 3 meals a day - Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
• I will always get at least 6 hours of sleep a night
• I will be in bed by 11 pm every night
• Every shower I take will be 10 minutes or less

These are boundaries I have set so that I will know if I am getting close to acting out. I am grateful for my sponsor for reminding me to do this. He also helped me come up with a couple of them.

I am very grateful for doctors right now. I had surgery this last Friday and I am so grateful that the doctors have the knowledge they do so they can fix my leg.  The wonders we have available to us through the medical field are amazing!

Well, this is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A conversation with my father

4 days sober:

I messed up Monday. I jumped on Netflix, watched a movie I have watched in the past for getting my drug, went and masturbated...and then I felt awful! I was at 7 days and in 15 minutes I blew that streak. Not that I am upset about the number of days per say, but I am upset that I blew away the peace that has been on my mind. That peace comes for me when I have good recovery...and usually it takes about 7 days of sobriety to get good recovery. I've often heard SA members say that recovery is all about quality, not quantity. I try to keep that in mind as I go through my ups and downs. It feels like my 47 days of sobriety was a dream. I can't imagine having that much right now!

Now I am feeling almost like I was on Monday. Well, before my slip-up. I feel hopeful, grateful, connected in a small way with God...and its wonderful! I am loving it! Why do I feel this way? What makes the difference?

Prayer

I have really been reaching out to God for the last couple days, pleading with my Father in Heaven to lift me and strengthen me. I believe He can do it. I want Him to do it. I want to turn my every thought and action into whatever He wants them to be. My honest conversations with Him have made the difference the last couple days. At least, that is what I believe is happening and helping.

Also, yesterday I went to lunch with my dad and one of his old business friends. That was very fun and I loved being with them. After lunch me and my dad talked a little bit about how he has dealt with this addiction in his life and he offered some advice of things he has learned. I found them all very helpful and I found that I have even been guided to try some of those things myself.

Disconnection is one of the greatest evils in my life. I think this is true for most addicts, but since I only have lived my life, I only know about my own life! Imagine that huh? Anyway, I noticed this morning as I got up and started my day...something was just off. I wasn't sure what. Ok, maybe it was because I was just sitting on my couch watching Burn Notice...yeah, that might be part of it. However, what really makes me feel disconnected from society? Not quite sure.

For now, this is me. This is my experience. Feel free to comment on any of these posts. It can be done anonymously!

This is my daily check in and this is my reaching out to others. I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A night free from my computer

4 days sober:

Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!

I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!

I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.

I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.

This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Mapping it all out: life, recovery, and work

2 days sober:

This morning I sat down to work on my latest work project and I realized I didn't know exactly how the process would flow and work. I knew what the different parts were, but I hadn't taken the time to sit down and write it all out. So, I did just that! I sat down, made a mind map for the process I am working on, and then identified the different parts I needed to work on.

The more I think about this, the more I notice how this can apply to life. I have certain long range goals like getting married, having kids, having enough money to be comfortable as well as help others, be faithful in my church callings, and eventually live with God again (If you have any questions about Mormon's beliefs on this I invite you to visit mormon.org and search out Eternal Life). These are my goals...but how am I going to get there? Why do I want these things? What will I do every year, month, day, in order to see these goals come to fruition?

This goes along with recovery from my addiction as well. I have a long range goal of 6 months sobriety. What am I doing today to reach that? How am I acting today that will influence what happens tomorrow? How am I taking "One day at a time," as the SA program talks about, in order to keep on track to my goal? Why do I even want this?

I need to overcome my laziness and remember the long perspective of things. One thing we talk about in my church is having an Eternal Perspective. That means we try to remember how everything in this life fits into the Plan of Happiness God has set up for us. I invite you to check out our beliefs if you don't already know what we believe. I find great comfort in the teachings of the Prophets and Apostles and I know my life is better for living the Gospel.

What a wonderful insight I had today...I am very grateful for it! I pray I will be able to get another 24 hours of sobriety and I pray my experience will help someone else. This is my daily check in. I commit to being sober for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

3 Things I am grateful for today:

1. Nature - I drove my dad and uncle up the canyon by our house this morning so that they could go on an early morning ride. As I drove I noticed the beauty of nature. I was up on a ridge for a bit and looking out across the valleys that surrounded me helped me remember that God loves me. He created this world so that we could enjoy the beauty of His creations. Well, there were a lot of other reasons as well, but that is one of them!
2. Family - My uncle is visiting the different family members around our area. While he was here it was really nice to talk with him and reconnect with him. He is a stalwart member in the Church and I really admire him. I am grateful for wonderful family and for the support and love each member gives the others around him/her.
3. Technology - This morning I am sitting on a couch, writing this...and it can be read from all over the world! How amazing is that? And what is more is people can look at this on their phones! I remember when my dad first got a cell phone...yeah, we've come a long way from that time. Also, I am working on something that will make my living (if all goes as planned) and all of it is online! Technology is amazing. I am so grateful for the people who were inspired and acted on those thoughts. Without them we would still be making cave drawings!

Old friends and new opportunities

8 days sober:

Today has been amazing! I ran into an old friend and I had an amazing opportunity come my way...and I am just very happy today!

I got up around 7:30 this morning and studied my scriptures. This always makes my day better than it is without studying, but this morning was great! After studying I decided to go to the LDS Temple in my town. While I was in the Temple I ran into an old friend. Every time I see her I become happy, so it was great to see her! We chatted a bit after getting out of the Temple and it was just very nice to reconnect with her. It has been awhile since I saw her last.

The next highlight of my day happens to be getting an email from my choir director. She asked me to come talk to her and so I did. She was very glad to see me and I was very glad to see her, and then she mentioned that she wanted to give me a position in the choir leadership doing something that goes along perfectly with what I am learning in school! I was very excited about that...but then I realized that I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm not sure I could dedicate the time needed to that leadership position. Now my task is to hash out a rough estimate of how much time I would have available for participating in that even with all of my other engagements.

Overall, I have felt like today was a fulfilling day.  I have gotten quite a bit done for school and am about to spend some good time working. I connected with one of the guys in my SA group and I'm feeling like God has been really protecting me and helping me through the day today.

I am grateful to be alive today and I love my life.

This is my experience today, and I pray I can keep a positive mindset and get further in recovery for the next 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Genius, strength, and martial arts prowess

7 days sober: (A whole week only through God's help!)

Well, I had an interesting discussion with one of my roommates the other day: If you could have any super power which would you choose?

At first I said telekinesis because being able to move things with my mind would be AWESOME! Further on in our discussion, after being asked what the first thing would be that  I would do with my power, I realized that I actually wouldn't want telekinesis as my super power. Why would I give up something so awesome? Well, for this simple reason: I love my life. Yeah, I have hard times when I act out and whenever I can't control myself, but overall I love my life! The struggles, the happy times, the sad times, the heartache, my membership in the church, the physical side of my life; all of it is what I love and live for! So...take away that...and you take away my life!

I then had to rethink what super power I would choose...and I realized I didn't want any of them! Well, none of the super powers. I can't decide between the two qualities of super heroes that I finally narrowed my list down to. The Genius of Iron Man or the Strength and Martial Arts Prowess of Batman. Those are the two attributes I would pick!

The realization that I love my life...struggles and all...was very comforting. I realized that I find purpose in living life. I love every day and I don't want to lose that ever!

This is my daily check in...and I pray that others out there will come to accept their lives as well. I also pray for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery; for me as well as for others!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Recognizing my moods and changing them

6 days sober:

Today was a very enlightening day! I did a lot of things and got a lot accomplished...but it was also a pretty rough day for me! I should have called someone...I had that prompting several times. I ended up hanging out with my sister. She knows everything about my addiction and happens to be my best friend! So, I shared a little bit with her. Here's what I shared with her.

Ok, today...I was frustrated. I received an email from my girlfriend. After the email I felt conflicted. I have had second thoughts in the past two days about waiting for her while she is on her mission. After reading the email I realized that I still like her...I am just frustrated that I don't really have any close range goals for the next 18 (almost 17 months). I want to date others...but I also feel like I need to let her know that I will be doing that. I guess she did give me permission.

I am still going to date other people. I am going to let her know that I am not sitting around for the next year and a half. But...I also want to remember her and still write her. So...I will write her and let people know I am waiting for a missionary, but I will also go on dates and such!

The other thing I have been thinking of is that I might need some time to just recover. No drama, no close possible stimulation...just simple life. Day-to-day living of working, eating, sleeping (I guess that is night-to-night...), and more working.

I really need to work on my recovery though! I wrote up a list of bottom-lines and now I need to keep them. I wish I lived on my own so that I could pin them up somewhere, but I guess I have to do what I can with what I have. I will post them on the main screen of my computer!

Well, it is time for me to get to bed. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! I would love to hear from you! This is my daily blog...and this is my experience. I was pretty down today, but talking through my thoughts with someone really helped me get back up! I pray for another 24 hours!

Thoughts from a Sunday morning

5 days sober:

This morning I had some wonderful thoughts about obedience. I wrote them down so that I could remember them.

"Keeping a commandment acts as a gateway to keeping the next commandment. The opposite is true as well. Breaking a rule or commandment leads to breaking other commandments. What we choose empowers us to continue along the path we just chose."

 A very interesting idea that what we do empowers us to continue along that path. If I choose to think about a girl in a lustful way then that will open the path to eventually acting out in my addiction. Also, if I start my day right, thinking about recovery or about God then I will be given strength to resist the temptations that might come at me throughout the day. I am grateful that God has given me that ability.

This is my daily check in and my experience from today. I pray for another 24 hours! One day at a time!

-Grateful and Hopeful

New opportunities

4 days sober:

I am confused. I know that my girlfriend loves me, and yet I have a hard time remembering that. She is gone...and before she left we never really resolved the whole "you don't speak my love language" thing. So...I'm conflicted. I want to give her a chance, but I also know that I can't spend a year and a half just sitting around, getting upset at the way that she is. There are a couple girls around me that I would be interested in, but I'm not sure if it is rebound or real interest. I'm sure the addict in me is looking at the new girls as new opportunities.

When I was sitting next to a girl tonight while watching a movie, I had the thought that I just wanted to make out with her. I know that I shouldn't, but I also know that she would be up for it. I thought about it seriously enough that my heart started beating and I started getting nervous. I feel bad because I am not being "faithful" to my girlfriend, but I also don't know how I should be acting towards her.

I am going to pray about it and make sure I seek the Lord's direction on what would be best for me as a Recovering Addict. Should I take some time off from girls in order to focus on recovery? Maybe...I'm just not sure!

This is my daily conflictions (that's not even a word!)...and I hope I can get another 24 hours of sobriety! Only God can make it happen!

-Grateful and Hopeful