1 day sober:
I made it 24 hours. Of course, 6 of those 24 hours were spent sleeping, but hey! I made it 24 hours!
I am so grateful, like the guy said this morning in SA group, that God answered my prayer and blessed me with 24 hours of sobriety. I am grateful that I was able to do so much today. I worked out, I went to an SA meeting, I got to work on a project with my fiance, I was able to hang out with some friends from high school and play Axis and Allies, and then I was able to hang out and cuddle with my fiance before going to bed. Today has been a great day.
This recovery is impossible without God. I might be able to get some sobriety (which I haven't been able to do yet) without directly turning to Him...but the only way that I am going to recover is to turn my will completely over to Him and let Him run my life.
I pray that I will be able to do that tomorrow. Here's to another 24.
-GH
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
Reminder To Call
2 days sober:
I got a phone call when I was working this morning from another guy in SA. I wasn't able to answer it due to the fact that I was working, but after I got off I called him back and talked with him.
Obviously I won't share what he shared with me, but I will share the feelings I had while talking with him.
My point with all of this is that these feelings came from my being honest with him and also my being vulnerable. I was impressed with that today as I spoke with him and I am very grateful that I was able to feel this and be aware enough to realize what I was feeling.
This is my experience and this is my daily check-in.
-GH
I got a phone call when I was working this morning from another guy in SA. I wasn't able to answer it due to the fact that I was working, but after I got off I called him back and talked with him.
Obviously I won't share what he shared with me, but I will share the feelings I had while talking with him.
- I felt happy.
- I felt hope.
- I felt strength from another as we were vulnerable and shared with each other our problems and thoughts. We truly connected as we talked.
- I felt reassured that I am on the right path. Not from the fellow SA member, but from God.
- I felt renewed determination to battle my faults.
My point with all of this is that these feelings came from my being honest with him and also my being vulnerable. I was impressed with that today as I spoke with him and I am very grateful that I was able to feel this and be aware enough to realize what I was feeling.
This is my experience and this is my daily check-in.
-GH
Monday, February 24, 2014
Scared of Mr. Banks
0 days sober:
Its been awhile since I posted, but I thought now would be a good opportunity to post something.
I went to the movie theater on Saturday with my fiance to see Saving Mr. Banks and was thoroughly amazed! I expected the movie to be good, but I wasn't sure how good it was going to be. The songs, humor, and thoughtful moments kept me engaged the whole time...but the one thing I didn't expect was to be scared down to my core. Here's why:
In the movie Saving Mr. Banks the life of the writer P. L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, is depicted as the inspiration for the story of Mary Poppins. However, her story isn't all sunshine and roses; her father, Travers Goff, loses his job several times and eventually dies because of fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. Throughout the movie you see the heartache and pain that his addiction causes his family. You also see Travers create an imaginary world that he uses to try to escape his addiction.
The movie Mary Poppins is such a wonderful story of redemption; even though he has become distracted, Mr. Banks is able to turn his heart to his children and be a part of their lives again.
As I watched this struggle and coping mechanism, I saw a possible future of my own life. I broke down in the car on the way home as I expressed to my fiance the fears I experienced and continued to experience after the movie. She could tell something was off and so she was gracious enough to ask...she is so wonderful to me.
I know that with God I can overcome this addiction. I slipped up this morning, but I commit to being sober for the rest of today. I am powerless over lust and I
This is my experience and this is my check in today. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His guiding influence in my life.
Grateful and Hopeful
Its been awhile since I posted, but I thought now would be a good opportunity to post something.
I went to the movie theater on Saturday with my fiance to see Saving Mr. Banks and was thoroughly amazed! I expected the movie to be good, but I wasn't sure how good it was going to be. The songs, humor, and thoughtful moments kept me engaged the whole time...but the one thing I didn't expect was to be scared down to my core. Here's why:
In the movie Saving Mr. Banks the life of the writer P. L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, is depicted as the inspiration for the story of Mary Poppins. However, her story isn't all sunshine and roses; her father, Travers Goff, loses his job several times and eventually dies because of fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. Throughout the movie you see the heartache and pain that his addiction causes his family. You also see Travers create an imaginary world that he uses to try to escape his addiction.
The movie Mary Poppins is such a wonderful story of redemption; even though he has become distracted, Mr. Banks is able to turn his heart to his children and be a part of their lives again.
As I watched this struggle and coping mechanism, I saw a possible future of my own life. I broke down in the car on the way home as I expressed to my fiance the fears I experienced and continued to experience after the movie. She could tell something was off and so she was gracious enough to ask...she is so wonderful to me.
I know that with God I can overcome this addiction. I slipped up this morning, but I commit to being sober for the rest of today. I am powerless over lust and I
This is my experience and this is my check in today. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His guiding influence in my life.
Grateful and Hopeful
Saturday, November 2, 2013
In The Hour of Affliction
0 days sober:
Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.
Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.
I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.
I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.
Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.
I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.
I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:
- Get to bed by 11 on school nights
- Wake up at 6:30 every morning
- Study the LDS gospel principles every morning
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
A New Start 2x
1 day sober:
Today is a new start for me in several ways, and while I am excited about this I am also a bit cautious. In what ways am is today a new start for me? Here you go:
Well, that is what is going on with me today.
This is my daily experience. I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today is a new start for me in several ways, and while I am excited about this I am also a bit cautious. In what ways am is today a new start for me? Here you go:
- I start my school classes today.
- I start my sobriety again today.
Well, that is what is going on with me today.
This is my daily experience. I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Becoming Grateful
4 days sober:
Yesterday I had something happen that was very important to me. I was reminded of something I need to do every day that I haven't been doing; being grateful for the things that happen in my life. Here is how I was reminded:
Yesterday morning my Accountability Partner called me because he needed some help. We chatted for awhile, both of us talked about problems we have been having, and then we went on with our respective days. I had a wonderful day filled with relaxation, time with my girlfriend, getting ready for the next semester at college, and spending time with a friend because he needed it.
There were a couple bad parts though. I tried to work on a project for a choir I am in, but I felt too lazy. I wasn't able to procure a computer with the right software and so I rationalized that there wasn't anything I could do. I then rationalized that my friend needed me to spend time with him as bro's rather than going to my SA group meeting. (I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow morning to make up for it) These kinds of rationalizations are dangerous for me because of the mindset I put myself in.
As I started getting into bed I had some inappropriate thoughts about my girlfriend, trying to guess what she was wearing while playing tennis. I caught myself thinking those though and decided to surrender the desire to think of her in that way to the Lord. I prayed, was able to surrender the thoughts, and then went to bed.
Right as I was falling asleep my Accountability Partner called again. I was super happy to talk to him and I could tell he needed some time to talk. So, he talked for about 20 minutes straight about his feelings and why he was feeling triggered and desiring watching some movie. As he talked I was reminded of how I used to write down 3 things I was grateful for that day. Things the Lord had done for me that day. As my AP talked I didn't see why I was thinking of this and then he said this, "I just don't know what to do right now to get my mind off of what I was watching last week." Bingo! I shared with him my idea and then we ended the call.
The point to this story is that the Lord used me to help my AP, but he also reminded me of something I needed to be doing. As I got out of bed to write down the ways the Lord had touched my life that day, I immediately thought of my AP calling.
Gratitude is essential for my to keep my recovery in perspective. I have a bigger purpose than just making myself happy. I have a loving Father in Heaven who wants me to live with Him after I die. I can only do that if I live his gospel. I am very grateful for that reminder yesterday.
This is my daily experience and this is my prayer for another 24 hours of recovery.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday I had something happen that was very important to me. I was reminded of something I need to do every day that I haven't been doing; being grateful for the things that happen in my life. Here is how I was reminded:
Yesterday morning my Accountability Partner called me because he needed some help. We chatted for awhile, both of us talked about problems we have been having, and then we went on with our respective days. I had a wonderful day filled with relaxation, time with my girlfriend, getting ready for the next semester at college, and spending time with a friend because he needed it.
There were a couple bad parts though. I tried to work on a project for a choir I am in, but I felt too lazy. I wasn't able to procure a computer with the right software and so I rationalized that there wasn't anything I could do. I then rationalized that my friend needed me to spend time with him as bro's rather than going to my SA group meeting. (I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow morning to make up for it) These kinds of rationalizations are dangerous for me because of the mindset I put myself in.
As I started getting into bed I had some inappropriate thoughts about my girlfriend, trying to guess what she was wearing while playing tennis. I caught myself thinking those though and decided to surrender the desire to think of her in that way to the Lord. I prayed, was able to surrender the thoughts, and then went to bed.
Right as I was falling asleep my Accountability Partner called again. I was super happy to talk to him and I could tell he needed some time to talk. So, he talked for about 20 minutes straight about his feelings and why he was feeling triggered and desiring watching some movie. As he talked I was reminded of how I used to write down 3 things I was grateful for that day. Things the Lord had done for me that day. As my AP talked I didn't see why I was thinking of this and then he said this, "I just don't know what to do right now to get my mind off of what I was watching last week." Bingo! I shared with him my idea and then we ended the call.
The point to this story is that the Lord used me to help my AP, but he also reminded me of something I needed to be doing. As I got out of bed to write down the ways the Lord had touched my life that day, I immediately thought of my AP calling.
Gratitude is essential for my to keep my recovery in perspective. I have a bigger purpose than just making myself happy. I have a loving Father in Heaven who wants me to live with Him after I die. I can only do that if I live his gospel. I am very grateful for that reminder yesterday.
This is my daily experience and this is my prayer for another 24 hours of recovery.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, July 29, 2013
Responsibility is not fun?
1 day sober:
Today has had many different things happen, but the one thing that is on my mind...foremost at least, is when I slipped up last. It was last night around 2 am. Why was I up? Because I wanted to keep watching How I Met Your Mother episodes...yeah, that was the reason.
My plan last night was to be up and working around 9 in the morning. That didn't work because I didn't go to sleep until 5:15 this morning. I have been shirking responsibility for the past week. Staying up late, not reading anything I should, not keeping engagements that I don't think are fun...just things like that.
Why am I doing this? Is it because I'm just a flake and can't take responsibility? I'm not sure. I feel like I can be responsible when I want to be, but most times it is just so easy to not be. I guess I just need to man up and do my best in every way.
So, I need to call my sponsor today. That is my goal.
This is my daily experience and check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today has had many different things happen, but the one thing that is on my mind...foremost at least, is when I slipped up last. It was last night around 2 am. Why was I up? Because I wanted to keep watching How I Met Your Mother episodes...yeah, that was the reason.
My plan last night was to be up and working around 9 in the morning. That didn't work because I didn't go to sleep until 5:15 this morning. I have been shirking responsibility for the past week. Staying up late, not reading anything I should, not keeping engagements that I don't think are fun...just things like that.
Why am I doing this? Is it because I'm just a flake and can't take responsibility? I'm not sure. I feel like I can be responsible when I want to be, but most times it is just so easy to not be. I guess I just need to man up and do my best in every way.
So, I need to call my sponsor today. That is my goal.
This is my daily experience and check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
A Habit of Relapse
1 day sober:
Yeah, I'm an idiot. Tonight I totally looked up some porn, watched it, and then masturbated. What happened this time?
Well, here's what happened:
Am I upset with myself? Yes...I am. I let my guard down today because I had gotten 30 days in a row of sobriety. However...I have pushed the line a couple times and it was getting more frequent. Ugh...gotta do better now!
This is my daily experience...and today is especially important. Feel free to comment in if you have any wise words...even if it isn't wise I would love to hear from you. I pray I can get 24 hours of sobriety.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yeah, I'm an idiot. Tonight I totally looked up some porn, watched it, and then masturbated. What happened this time?
Well, here's what happened:
- I watched a movie alone that I knew had racy parts in it. Why? Because I wanted to watch the movie. It was about soccer and I thought I would be able to handle it. Yeah, didn't happen did it...
- While watching the movie, instead of focusing on the story I focused on what one of the women in the movie was wearing. Her lingerie was definitely visible. Black lingerie has always been very triggering to me.
- Instead of turning the movie off and calling someone like I should have, I jumped into searching for a video. Found it. Watched it. Masturbated. Felt like crap. (You'd think that since I feel like crap every time I would be able to remember that...and avoid it? Nope...)
Am I upset with myself? Yes...I am. I let my guard down today because I had gotten 30 days in a row of sobriety. However...I have pushed the line a couple times and it was getting more frequent. Ugh...gotta do better now!
This is my daily experience...and today is especially important. Feel free to comment in if you have any wise words...even if it isn't wise I would love to hear from you. I pray I can get 24 hours of sobriety.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, July 22, 2013
A Home Cooked Meal
29 days sober:
My dad and I are launching a business in the next two weeks and so I have a lot to do...working with him to get it all ready. So, after living up at my apartment for a couple days, 4 to be exact, I decided to come down to my parent's house in order to be closer to my dad so we can work together better...but the wonderful meals my mom fixes are a lot better than what I usually eat on my own. So, that is a nice bonus.
But, I'm not only bragging about my mom's cooking here...this has made me reflect on what it means to have a home. I don't consider my apartment to be my home. It is a place I stay, but the place I really feel safe and warm in is my parent's house. I know I can come here any time I need to and I can be safe here. I am very grateful I have a place like that.
Feeling like I belong somewhere is crucial to my recovery. That is just one more sense of comfort that I have that makes me comfortable. Along with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (and all the wonderful blessings of peace and happiness that come along with living the gospel) I have so many blessings in my life. A wonderful family, a cute (new) girlfriend, a car that drives, a bed to sleep in, food to eat...my life really is great.
So, I will be grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life. With this gratitude will come a greater appreciation for the things around me and I will ultimately become more loving. As I do this I believe I will be able to stay in recovery...but really the only one who can help me with that is my Heavenly Father. God is the only one who can help me get lasting recovery. I am so grateful He is in my life and I love Him so much!
This is my daily check in and my experience. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and sobriety.
-Grateful and Hopeful
My dad and I are launching a business in the next two weeks and so I have a lot to do...working with him to get it all ready. So, after living up at my apartment for a couple days, 4 to be exact, I decided to come down to my parent's house in order to be closer to my dad so we can work together better...but the wonderful meals my mom fixes are a lot better than what I usually eat on my own. So, that is a nice bonus.
But, I'm not only bragging about my mom's cooking here...this has made me reflect on what it means to have a home. I don't consider my apartment to be my home. It is a place I stay, but the place I really feel safe and warm in is my parent's house. I know I can come here any time I need to and I can be safe here. I am very grateful I have a place like that.
Feeling like I belong somewhere is crucial to my recovery. That is just one more sense of comfort that I have that makes me comfortable. Along with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (and all the wonderful blessings of peace and happiness that come along with living the gospel) I have so many blessings in my life. A wonderful family, a cute (new) girlfriend, a car that drives, a bed to sleep in, food to eat...my life really is great.
So, I will be grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life. With this gratitude will come a greater appreciation for the things around me and I will ultimately become more loving. As I do this I believe I will be able to stay in recovery...but really the only one who can help me with that is my Heavenly Father. God is the only one who can help me get lasting recovery. I am so grateful He is in my life and I love Him so much!
This is my daily check in and my experience. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and sobriety.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Sunday, July 21, 2013
The Art of Manliness
28 days sober:
I started a book yesterday called The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man. I've been wanting to read this book for awhile, and it is so much better than I expected! I love reading it!
The first chapter (I have only read the first chapter so far) is about how to be a Gentleman. It talks about how you should dress, about wearing a suit...it pretty much was awesome. So, how does all of this apply to recovery? Well, I have been learning about myself and I have always wanted to be a gentleman. I've tried to be all my life and here is something that will help me on my way to that goal. Fulfilling goals is always a good thing. Unless your goal is bad...then it is ultimately a bad thing, but for now let's assume everyone's goals are good!
I am excited to read the rest of the book. I'll see what else it can teach me.
On the topic of recovery, life is going great. I am loving my life and I feel like I am finally starting to breathe. Now, I need to make sure I don't get complacent and slip, but I sure am grateful for the amount of sobriety the Lord has given me so far. My head is much clearer, avoiding temptations is much easier; life is just much more enjoyable.
I take life one day, one hour, one minute at a time. This is the key, along with being grateful for what the Lord has given me. I love my life and I can't wait until I can firmly say that I am a recovering sex-aholic and that it will be something significant.
This is my experience and this is my life. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery...it means so much to me. My Father in Heaven is the only one who can give that to me though and for that I am truly grateful!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I started a book yesterday called The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man. I've been wanting to read this book for awhile, and it is so much better than I expected! I love reading it!
The first chapter (I have only read the first chapter so far) is about how to be a Gentleman. It talks about how you should dress, about wearing a suit...it pretty much was awesome. So, how does all of this apply to recovery? Well, I have been learning about myself and I have always wanted to be a gentleman. I've tried to be all my life and here is something that will help me on my way to that goal. Fulfilling goals is always a good thing. Unless your goal is bad...then it is ultimately a bad thing, but for now let's assume everyone's goals are good!
I am excited to read the rest of the book. I'll see what else it can teach me.
On the topic of recovery, life is going great. I am loving my life and I feel like I am finally starting to breathe. Now, I need to make sure I don't get complacent and slip, but I sure am grateful for the amount of sobriety the Lord has given me so far. My head is much clearer, avoiding temptations is much easier; life is just much more enjoyable.
I take life one day, one hour, one minute at a time. This is the key, along with being grateful for what the Lord has given me. I love my life and I can't wait until I can firmly say that I am a recovering sex-aholic and that it will be something significant.
This is my experience and this is my life. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery...it means so much to me. My Father in Heaven is the only one who can give that to me though and for that I am truly grateful!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Worst year of my life
13 days sober:
The last year has been one of the hardest/worst years ever. But it has also been very good.
The bad:
This is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and growth spiritually.
-Grateful and Hopeful
The last year has been one of the hardest/worst years ever. But it has also been very good.
The bad:
- Sick over Christmas break from school while all my extended family was visiting. Couldn't do anything with them. Couldn't eat any good food.
- Girlfriend announced over Christmas break that she was going to leave on a mission.
- Can't get any length of sobriety or recovery from my sex addiction.
- Went in for surgery in February and was limited to activities that I could do from a couch - for 15 weeks.
- Girlfriend left on mission.
- Went in for surgery again in June.
- Because of surgeries can't do anything I love to do - outdoors activities, running, biking, hiking - and won't be able to for another year.
- Surgery is fixing a problem that would have caused serious pain in the very near future and for the rest of my life.
- I still have my life.
- I am in a recovery program.
This is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and growth spiritually.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Friday, July 5, 2013
Making a decision to love and be happy
12 days sober:
For Independence Day all of my siblings and I all gathered at our parents' home in order to celebrate and have a mini family reunion. I have two 4 year-old nieces and then two more nieces who are twins and are about 10 months old. For some reason they have all been super tired and screaming and running around the house. Well, that is the behavior you would expect from kids that old, but it was still getting on my nerves.
Why? Well, since getting my surgery last week on Friday I haven't had much patience. I've been doing my best to not get upset with my parents taking care of me because that usually gets on my nerves! Then, to add in the pain I have from the surgery which at times is excruciating, I am on the edge basically all the time. Having some screaming kids running around really helped me get frustrated and angry.
So, I moved all my recovery stuff down to my room in order to not be around all of the others. What does this all have to do with recovery? Well, what I decided to do next is the important part.
I believe a positive mindset is one of the most important tools in my toolbox of recovery. The times when I have had a positive mindset...when I have felt like I can recover from this no matter how many times I fall, I recover in great leaps and bounds! (Now I have to be careful right now because I am starting to feel confident and boastful...which are precisely the moods I get in right before I start my slide to acting out) So, I made a decision to be happy and to just love my family. I want to be positive!
"But it's not that easy." - This might be running through your mind right now. Here's my answer - Yes, you can't just make this decision ONE time...its the same concept of staying sober. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. This is how I live and this is how I can stay positive. I have made a negative attitude such a strong habit in my life that it will take awhile to switch that habit over to being positive.
After I made this decision it was a lot easier to be around my family. I still get frustrated, but I am more able to forgive, surrender, and change my attitude. I am so grateful the Lord helped me do this. Without His help I would not be able to be where I am today.
This is my daily experience and this is my check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
For Independence Day all of my siblings and I all gathered at our parents' home in order to celebrate and have a mini family reunion. I have two 4 year-old nieces and then two more nieces who are twins and are about 10 months old. For some reason they have all been super tired and screaming and running around the house. Well, that is the behavior you would expect from kids that old, but it was still getting on my nerves.
Why? Well, since getting my surgery last week on Friday I haven't had much patience. I've been doing my best to not get upset with my parents taking care of me because that usually gets on my nerves! Then, to add in the pain I have from the surgery which at times is excruciating, I am on the edge basically all the time. Having some screaming kids running around really helped me get frustrated and angry.
So, I moved all my recovery stuff down to my room in order to not be around all of the others. What does this all have to do with recovery? Well, what I decided to do next is the important part.
I believe a positive mindset is one of the most important tools in my toolbox of recovery. The times when I have had a positive mindset...when I have felt like I can recover from this no matter how many times I fall, I recover in great leaps and bounds! (Now I have to be careful right now because I am starting to feel confident and boastful...which are precisely the moods I get in right before I start my slide to acting out) So, I made a decision to be happy and to just love my family. I want to be positive!
"But it's not that easy." - This might be running through your mind right now. Here's my answer - Yes, you can't just make this decision ONE time...its the same concept of staying sober. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. This is how I live and this is how I can stay positive. I have made a negative attitude such a strong habit in my life that it will take awhile to switch that habit over to being positive.
After I made this decision it was a lot easier to be around my family. I still get frustrated, but I am more able to forgive, surrender, and change my attitude. I am so grateful the Lord helped me do this. Without His help I would not be able to be where I am today.
This is my daily experience and this is my check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, June 24, 2013
I'm a Mormon and love it
7 days sober:
Yesterday I attended a special broadcast for the LDS Church (Mormon Church) and was totally blown away by the feelings I had while I was there. After realizing yesterday that I need to get out and talk to people more I was really excited to attend this broadcast. As the Church of Jesus Christ we as members are called to take the Lord's gospel to all the world. We are called to share this gospel with our friends and neighbors and really do our best to be good friends and neighbors to all those around us.
Also, we have missionaries who are called to preach the gospel full-time. The boys, who are called around age 18, serve a mission for 2 years and girls, who are called around age 19, serve a mission for 18 months or a year and a half. I myself served a mission when I was 19 and returned from that mission about 2 years ago. It was one of the most wonderful and hardest times of my life. I loved every minute of it though!
When I heard the message at the broadcast that members and missionaries are supposed to work together more I felt really good about that! So, in keeping with yesterday's post, I am going to go out and try to make as many friends as I can so I can share the wonderful gospel with them. Not that I am going to make friends with them just to share the gospel with them, but I am going to make friends and then share the gospel with them because I love them.
This is making me excited and I can't wait to get out and talk with people!
So, this is my daily check in and these are my hopes and dreams. I want to surround myself with those that I love...and I want to love those who are around me. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday I attended a special broadcast for the LDS Church (Mormon Church) and was totally blown away by the feelings I had while I was there. After realizing yesterday that I need to get out and talk to people more I was really excited to attend this broadcast. As the Church of Jesus Christ we as members are called to take the Lord's gospel to all the world. We are called to share this gospel with our friends and neighbors and really do our best to be good friends and neighbors to all those around us.
Also, we have missionaries who are called to preach the gospel full-time. The boys, who are called around age 18, serve a mission for 2 years and girls, who are called around age 19, serve a mission for 18 months or a year and a half. I myself served a mission when I was 19 and returned from that mission about 2 years ago. It was one of the most wonderful and hardest times of my life. I loved every minute of it though!
This is making me excited and I can't wait to get out and talk with people!
So, this is my daily check in and these are my hopes and dreams. I want to surround myself with those that I love...and I want to love those who are around me. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Friends are valuable...more so than gold!
6 days sober:
Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!
So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!
So, that is my experience today. Friends give me a way to focus on others...and keep my attention away from myself. I hope it won't be in a negative way, but in a way that will help me to change the way I am and a way to help me be better. Also, friends provide a nice way to satisfy my craving of wanting to be loved and accepted. This is a much healthier way than turning to Porn or Masturbation!
This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!
So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!
This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Friday, June 21, 2013
A night free from my computer
4 days sober:
Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!
I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!
I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.
I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.
This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!
I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!
I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.
I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.
This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Old friends and new opportunities
8 days sober:
Today has been amazing! I ran into an old friend and I had an amazing opportunity come my way...and I am just very happy today!
I got up around 7:30 this morning and studied my scriptures. This always makes my day better than it is without studying, but this morning was great! After studying I decided to go to the LDS Temple in my town. While I was in the Temple I ran into an old friend. Every time I see her I become happy, so it was great to see her! We chatted a bit after getting out of the Temple and it was just very nice to reconnect with her. It has been awhile since I saw her last.
The next highlight of my day happens to be getting an email from my choir director. She asked me to come talk to her and so I did. She was very glad to see me and I was very glad to see her, and then she mentioned that she wanted to give me a position in the choir leadership doing something that goes along perfectly with what I am learning in school! I was very excited about that...but then I realized that I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm not sure I could dedicate the time needed to that leadership position. Now my task is to hash out a rough estimate of how much time I would have available for participating in that even with all of my other engagements.
Overall, I have felt like today was a fulfilling day. I have gotten quite a bit done for school and am about to spend some good time working. I connected with one of the guys in my SA group and I'm feeling like God has been really protecting me and helping me through the day today.
I am grateful to be alive today and I love my life.
This is my experience today, and I pray I can keep a positive mindset and get further in recovery for the next 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today has been amazing! I ran into an old friend and I had an amazing opportunity come my way...and I am just very happy today!
I got up around 7:30 this morning and studied my scriptures. This always makes my day better than it is without studying, but this morning was great! After studying I decided to go to the LDS Temple in my town. While I was in the Temple I ran into an old friend. Every time I see her I become happy, so it was great to see her! We chatted a bit after getting out of the Temple and it was just very nice to reconnect with her. It has been awhile since I saw her last.
The next highlight of my day happens to be getting an email from my choir director. She asked me to come talk to her and so I did. She was very glad to see me and I was very glad to see her, and then she mentioned that she wanted to give me a position in the choir leadership doing something that goes along perfectly with what I am learning in school! I was very excited about that...but then I realized that I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm not sure I could dedicate the time needed to that leadership position. Now my task is to hash out a rough estimate of how much time I would have available for participating in that even with all of my other engagements.
Overall, I have felt like today was a fulfilling day. I have gotten quite a bit done for school and am about to spend some good time working. I connected with one of the guys in my SA group and I'm feeling like God has been really protecting me and helping me through the day today.
I am grateful to be alive today and I love my life.
This is my experience today, and I pray I can keep a positive mindset and get further in recovery for the next 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Genius, strength, and martial arts prowess
7 days sober: (A whole week only through God's help!)
Well, I had an interesting discussion with one of my roommates the other day: If you could have any super power which would you choose?
At first I said telekinesis because being able to move things with my mind would be AWESOME! Further on in our discussion, after being asked what the first thing would be that I would do with my power, I realized that I actually wouldn't want telekinesis as my super power. Why would I give up something so awesome? Well, for this simple reason: I love my life. Yeah, I have hard times when I act out and whenever I can't control myself, but overall I love my life! The struggles, the happy times, the sad times, the heartache, my membership in the church, the physical side of my life; all of it is what I love and live for! So...take away that...and you take away my life!
I then had to rethink what super power I would choose...and I realized I didn't want any of them! Well, none of the super powers. I can't decide between the two qualities of super heroes that I finally narrowed my list down to. The Genius of Iron Man or the Strength and Martial Arts Prowess of Batman. Those are the two attributes I would pick!
The realization that I love my life...struggles and all...was very comforting. I realized that I find purpose in living life. I love every day and I don't want to lose that ever!
This is my daily check in...and I pray that others out there will come to accept their lives as well. I also pray for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery; for me as well as for others!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, I had an interesting discussion with one of my roommates the other day: If you could have any super power which would you choose?
At first I said telekinesis because being able to move things with my mind would be AWESOME! Further on in our discussion, after being asked what the first thing would be that I would do with my power, I realized that I actually wouldn't want telekinesis as my super power. Why would I give up something so awesome? Well, for this simple reason: I love my life. Yeah, I have hard times when I act out and whenever I can't control myself, but overall I love my life! The struggles, the happy times, the sad times, the heartache, my membership in the church, the physical side of my life; all of it is what I love and live for! So...take away that...and you take away my life!
I then had to rethink what super power I would choose...and I realized I didn't want any of them! Well, none of the super powers. I can't decide between the two qualities of super heroes that I finally narrowed my list down to. The Genius of Iron Man or the Strength and Martial Arts Prowess of Batman. Those are the two attributes I would pick!
The realization that I love my life...struggles and all...was very comforting. I realized that I find purpose in living life. I love every day and I don't want to lose that ever!
This is my daily check in...and I pray that others out there will come to accept their lives as well. I also pray for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery; for me as well as for others!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, June 10, 2013
Recognizing my moods and changing them
6 days sober:
Today was a very enlightening day! I did a lot of things and got a lot accomplished...but it was also a pretty rough day for me! I should have called someone...I had that prompting several times. I ended up hanging out with my sister. She knows everything about my addiction and happens to be my best friend! So, I shared a little bit with her. Here's what I shared with her.
Ok, today...I was frustrated. I received an email from my girlfriend. After the email I felt conflicted. I have had second thoughts in the past two days about waiting for her while she is on her mission. After reading the email I realized that I still like her...I am just frustrated that I don't really have any close range goals for the next 18 (almost 17 months). I want to date others...but I also feel like I need to let her know that I will be doing that. I guess she did give me permission.
I am still going to date other people. I am going to let her know that I am not sitting around for the next year and a half. But...I also want to remember her and still write her. So...I will write her and let people know I am waiting for a missionary, but I will also go on dates and such!
The other thing I have been thinking of is that I might need some time to just recover. No drama, no close possible stimulation...just simple life. Day-to-day living of working, eating, sleeping (I guess that is night-to-night...), and more working.
I really need to work on my recovery though! I wrote up a list of bottom-lines and now I need to keep them. I wish I lived on my own so that I could pin them up somewhere, but I guess I have to do what I can with what I have. I will post them on the main screen of my computer!
Well, it is time for me to get to bed. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! I would love to hear from you! This is my daily blog...and this is my experience. I was pretty down today, but talking through my thoughts with someone really helped me get back up! I pray for another 24 hours!
Today was a very enlightening day! I did a lot of things and got a lot accomplished...but it was also a pretty rough day for me! I should have called someone...I had that prompting several times. I ended up hanging out with my sister. She knows everything about my addiction and happens to be my best friend! So, I shared a little bit with her. Here's what I shared with her.
Ok, today...I was frustrated. I received an email from my girlfriend. After the email I felt conflicted. I have had second thoughts in the past two days about waiting for her while she is on her mission. After reading the email I realized that I still like her...I am just frustrated that I don't really have any close range goals for the next 18 (almost 17 months). I want to date others...but I also feel like I need to let her know that I will be doing that. I guess she did give me permission.
I am still going to date other people. I am going to let her know that I am not sitting around for the next year and a half. But...I also want to remember her and still write her. So...I will write her and let people know I am waiting for a missionary, but I will also go on dates and such!
The other thing I have been thinking of is that I might need some time to just recover. No drama, no close possible stimulation...just simple life. Day-to-day living of working, eating, sleeping (I guess that is night-to-night...), and more working.
I really need to work on my recovery though! I wrote up a list of bottom-lines and now I need to keep them. I wish I lived on my own so that I could pin them up somewhere, but I guess I have to do what I can with what I have. I will post them on the main screen of my computer!
Well, it is time for me to get to bed. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! I would love to hear from you! This is my daily blog...and this is my experience. I was pretty down today, but talking through my thoughts with someone really helped me get back up! I pray for another 24 hours!
Thoughts from a Sunday morning
5 days sober:
This morning I had some wonderful thoughts about obedience. I wrote them down so that I could remember them.
This is my daily check in and my experience from today. I pray for another 24 hours! One day at a time!
-Grateful and Hopeful
This morning I had some wonderful thoughts about obedience. I wrote them down so that I could remember them.
"Keeping a commandment acts as a gateway to keeping the next commandment. The opposite is true as well. Breaking a rule or commandment leads to breaking other commandments. What we choose empowers us to continue along the path we just chose."A very interesting idea that what we do empowers us to continue along that path. If I choose to think about a girl in a lustful way then that will open the path to eventually acting out in my addiction. Also, if I start my day right, thinking about recovery or about God then I will be given strength to resist the temptations that might come at me throughout the day. I am grateful that God has given me that ability.
This is my daily check in and my experience from today. I pray for another 24 hours! One day at a time!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Saturday, June 8, 2013
New opportunities
4 days sober:
I am confused. I know that my girlfriend loves me, and yet I have a hard time remembering that. She is gone...and before she left we never really resolved the whole "you don't speak my love language" thing. So...I'm conflicted. I want to give her a chance, but I also know that I can't spend a year and a half just sitting around, getting upset at the way that she is. There are a couple girls around me that I would be interested in, but I'm not sure if it is rebound or real interest. I'm sure the addict in me is looking at the new girls as new opportunities.
When I was sitting next to a girl tonight while watching a movie, I had the thought that I just wanted to make out with her. I know that I shouldn't, but I also know that she would be up for it. I thought about it seriously enough that my heart started beating and I started getting nervous. I feel bad because I am not being "faithful" to my girlfriend, but I also don't know how I should be acting towards her.
I am going to pray about it and make sure I seek the Lord's direction on what would be best for me as a Recovering Addict. Should I take some time off from girls in order to focus on recovery? Maybe...I'm just not sure!
This is my daily conflictions (that's not even a word!)...and I hope I can get another 24 hours of sobriety! Only God can make it happen!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I am confused. I know that my girlfriend loves me, and yet I have a hard time remembering that. She is gone...and before she left we never really resolved the whole "you don't speak my love language" thing. So...I'm conflicted. I want to give her a chance, but I also know that I can't spend a year and a half just sitting around, getting upset at the way that she is. There are a couple girls around me that I would be interested in, but I'm not sure if it is rebound or real interest. I'm sure the addict in me is looking at the new girls as new opportunities.
When I was sitting next to a girl tonight while watching a movie, I had the thought that I just wanted to make out with her. I know that I shouldn't, but I also know that she would be up for it. I thought about it seriously enough that my heart started beating and I started getting nervous. I feel bad because I am not being "faithful" to my girlfriend, but I also don't know how I should be acting towards her.
I am going to pray about it and make sure I seek the Lord's direction on what would be best for me as a Recovering Addict. Should I take some time off from girls in order to focus on recovery? Maybe...I'm just not sure!
This is my daily conflictions (that's not even a word!)...and I hope I can get another 24 hours of sobriety! Only God can make it happen!
-Grateful and Hopeful
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