A New Start (Again)

4 Days Sober

I've decided to start again. This blog that is.

I relapsed four days ago and since then I have been a wreck. I've been depressed, angry, resentful, frustrated, sad, lost, hurt, and a whole host of other negative emotions. I don't know of any other way of dealing with this other than to write about it. I've had this blog pop into my head the last couple of days, so maybe I need to listen to God's prompting and actually do something with this. I hope it means something to someone else, but at the very least it will help me.

Maybe that needs to be the point.

I really want to recover. I've been reading out of Clayton M. Christensen's book How Will You Measure Your Life, well I actually finished it and then passed it on to my wife so she can read it. I really want to go back through and jot down some of the main points though, because I really want to change my life. From what I can remember, he made some really spot-on comments about how to live a righteous, connected life. Well, as spot-on as I can judge as an insane, out-of-control sex addict, right?

(There's been a lot of that too...self-deprecation)

Another book I've been reading is Stephen R. Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I DO remember what I've been listening to (yeah, I have an audiobook version, so I'm not actually reading it). Mostly because I listened to it today while hiking, so I haven't had a whole ton of time to forget it. One thing he mentioned was the idea that we are and can be pro-active. I like that and I want to be as pro-active as I can be. Why? Because Covey said that between stimulus and response we have the ability to choose. I want to believe that and apply that to my life. I want to be able to choose a good way to respond to a sex trigger. I have hope that I can.

So, my point for today? I'm back. And I feel alone. My marriage isn't what I expected it to be, my wife isn't who I expected her to be, and I feel like I don't have many friends in the world. I hope that by getting my thoughts out on paper I can start opening up to those around me and start making connections with them. Maybe after I fix all of the myriad of psychological, emotional, and spiritual problems I have. Maybe then someone will want to be around me. (I think what I'm doing is bad, but I don't really care. It feels good.)

Even though I don't feel particularly Grateful or Hopeful right now, I'll take another 24 hours.

-GH

We Have Emotional Needs

0 days sober: (I relapsed last night, so today is day 1)

I went to my SA group this morning and I learned so much. One of the guys was celebrating 2 years of recovery today and so we sang Happy Birthday to him and he brought donuts for us. Kind of like the Hobbit way of having a birthday - give presents to everyone instead of asking them to give them to you.

Anyway, to my real point in this post.

We all have emotional needs. For us Sex Addicts, recovering or not, we have learned to cope with those emotional needs by resorting to some form of sexual stimulation. This does NOT make the problem go away. In fact it is exactly opposite; this way of coping usually makes the problem bigger.

As I sat in group, I tried to figure out what my personal emotional needs are. If I can identify what they are then I can start REALLY trying to meet them instead of just dancing around them. Here is what I thought of:

1. Need to feel like I am relied upon - I want to feel like others rely on me and that I matter to them.
2. Need to feel needed - Similar to the one above, but this is more of a feeling that others need me in their lives. That their lives would be vastly different if I wasn't there.
3. Need to feel appreciated - I want to feel like others see my worth and appreciate it.
4. Need to be loved - This is one I don't fully understand yet...what does it mean to be loved? I think I will be asking that question for the rest of my life.
5. Need to feel thought of - I like it when I feel like others have considered that I exist...and then that they have done something about it.
6. Need to feel content with things around me - I spend so much of my time wishing that I was doing something more. I need to feel content with what I have and where I am.
7. Need to feel accepted - This goes back to the old playground idea. If you're not part of the group then you're going to get made fun of. Having been home-schooled for part of my life, I have a fear of not fitting in with other people.
8. Need to feel connected with others - This is a major one for me. I want to feel like I have a connection with others. That I am more than superficially interacting with them.

What emotional needs do you have?

This is my check in for today. I pray that I will be able to have another 24 hours under my belt next time I post.

-GH

A Good Storm

1 day sober:

Today I would like to list off the things I am grateful for. I am about to go to bed and I thought this would be a good practice to start up again.

• I am grateful for how blessed I have been able to stay within my budget so far this month. Even with acting out every few days I have been able to stay within my budget. Usually I go on binge spending or I try to make myself feel better by buying quite a few things. That hasn't happened this month and I am grateful for this!
• I am grateful I have a job and can make money for my future marriage. Saving this money has helped me realize that I can do so much with the Lord's help...but only with His help. I am lost without Him.
•  I am grateful for the storm that we had yesterday where I live. For the last while the air quality has been awful, but the intense wind yesterday blew all that nasty air out of the valley and so now we have some very clear air with which to appreciate the beautiful creations God has blessed us with.

• I am grateful for the wonderful cooking skills of my fiance. We had some wonderful pancakes for lunch and as I ate them I just became VERY grateful for her cooking skills. She is so wonderful.

This is my experience and this is my check in. Here's to another 24 hours of recovery.

-GH

In The Hour of Affliction

0 days sober:

Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.

Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.

I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.

I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:

• Get to bed by 11 on school nights
• Wake up at 6:30 every morning
• Study the LDS gospel principles every morning

I think this will really help me this week. However...today is all I can promise. I will be sober for the rest of today!

-Grateful and Hopeful

One day at a time

2 days sober:

We have a common saying or ideal that we try to live by in SA. That is to take our recovery one day at a time.

I don't do very well in thinking about this on a daily basis. Today I didn't really think about my recovery at all...until I caught myself taking street lust hits on some of the girls in the library I was walking through. I caught myself and for one of the very few times so far, I immediately thought about calling someone to get the shame and frustration out of my head. Not only to shed it, but to establish a connection with someone.

So, while I don't do very well in living this ideal, I did make a commitment with my Accountability Partner to be sober today. I can only promise sobriety for the rest of today because tomorrow is a whole new day.

This is my experience and I commit to sobriety for the rest of today.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Thoughts during a relapse

4 days sober:

I had a revelation Sunday night after my relapse. Well, it was actually right in the middle of it. This is the email I sent myself after my relapse: (Some of the words and terminology I use are common amongst members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I will try to explain what might not be understood)

"As I watched the porn video tonight I identified a different feeling. I've had this before while watching, but I never was able to identify what it was I was feeling. Tonight I think I understand better.
As I watched two women going at it and one being stimulated to orgasm I felt, very clearly, a strong aversion. In other words, I felt like it was wrong to watch that video. I don't think it was because I was breaking the Law of Chastity (a commandment from God that says not to have any sexual relations except between husband and wife), but because the act I was witnessing is such a sacred act that there shouldn't ever be videos made of it for others to view let alone it ever being put to film.
I think it is very interesting how I feel this now. I think I am starting to understand what Elder Holland meant when he gave the talk, Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. (This was a talk that an Apostle gave at Brigham Young University) The power to create is so sacred and holy that I should only share it with the one special person with whom I am going to be married and sealed to for all eternity. (In the holy temples we build we are able to perform certain ordinances that will seal a husband and wife together so they will be married for all time here on earth as well as for the eternities after we die)
Now, how can I remember this from day to day so I can keep myself clean for her?
Print this off and read it each morning? Expound on it each day?
Pray for the ability to remember these feelings each day?
I need to do this each day though. I can feel that this realization is important for my recovery. I am grateful God was able to touch my heart tonight. Very grateful."

I have thought about this experience the last couple days. I have thought about it a lot...and it actually saved me this morning. I got up because of a truck that was working outside my window (very noisy, couldn't keep sleeping) and then had the thought, "I really don't want to call my accountability partner today." WARNING!!!! Yeah, I'm supposed to call him when I am done with this post, but I am so glad I was blessed with the presence of mind to notice the danger sign. Last night I was in danger as well, but I was able to go to an SA group meeting and then spend time with my girlfriend so I wasn't tempted to look at porn or anything.

I guess the focus of my post is having a clear presence of mind. Mine started Sunday night and I am very grateful for that. It isn't staying with me all the time...I have to work at it. I can't expect my mind to stay clear all the time because the tracks in my mind I paved while in the depths of my addiction are still very accessible.I can't just glide...I have to actively work to be in tune, or to have a connection with God.

I am grateful for this experience. I commit to being sober for the next 12 and 1/2 hours (until 12 am at which point I will be in bed asleep). This is my daily experience and this is my hope for recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Responsibility is not fun?

1 day sober:

Today has had many different things happen, but the one thing that is on my mind...foremost at least, is when I slipped up last. It was last night around 2 am. Why was I up? Because I wanted to keep watching How I Met Your Mother episodes...yeah, that was the reason.

My plan last night was to be up and working around 9 in the morning. That didn't work because I didn't go to sleep until 5:15 this morning. I have been shirking responsibility for the past week. Staying up late, not reading anything I should, not keeping engagements that I don't think are fun...just things like that.

Why am I doing this? Is it because I'm just a flake and can't take responsibility? I'm not sure. I feel like I can be responsible when I want to be, but most times it is just so easy to not be. I guess I just need to man up and do my best in every way.

So, I need to call my sponsor today. That is my goal.

This is my daily experience and check in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery.

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Habit of Relapse

1 day sober:

Yeah, I'm an idiot. Tonight I totally looked up some porn, watched it, and then masturbated. What happened this time?

Well, here's what happened:

• I watched a movie alone that I knew had racy parts in it. Why? Because I wanted to watch the movie. It was about soccer and I thought I would be able to handle it. Yeah, didn't happen did it...
• While watching the movie, instead of focusing on the story I focused on what one of the women in the movie was wearing. Her lingerie was definitely visible. Black lingerie has always been very triggering to me.
• Instead of turning the movie off and calling someone like I should have, I jumped into searching for a video. Found it. Watched it. Masturbated. Felt like crap. (You'd think that since I feel like crap every time I would be able to remember that...and avoid it? Nope...)

So, what am I going to do? I am going to call my sponsor right now, go to a group meeting tomorrow, and get back into doing all of my daily's. I have been seriously slacking on that and I can't do that.

Am I upset with myself? Yes...I am. I let my guard down today because I had gotten 30 days in a row of sobriety. However...I have pushed the line a couple times and it was getting more frequent. Ugh...gotta do better now!

This is my daily experience...and today is especially important. Feel free to comment in if you have any wise words...even if it isn't wise I would love to hear from you. I pray I can get 24 hours of sobriety.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Enjoying the life I lead

22 days sober:

I had another close call yesterday. I jumped on the internet and watched some videos...I guess I could reset my sobriety because of it, but I also know that it didn't effect me like other times when I have reset my sobriety. I'm not sure why, but I am going to think a lot more on it.

Anyway, to the title and subject of my post. (Almost wrote poast...interesting way to write it and I'm not quite sure what a poast would be...maybe a post made by an addict?) How can I enjoy the life I live? Here are a couple ways I do this*.

• Write a list of 3 things I am grateful for each night. - When I do this I realize what great things I do have in my life. I usually don't stop at 3 because once I start (unless I am having an unbelievably hard day) the things that are wonderful in my life just tend to pour into my mind. So fast that it is hard to finish the thoughts of the original 3 things I am grateful for.
• Do things I find joy in. - This is one of the more important things I do. Finding things I enjoy and then doing them - listening to music, playing the violin (something I need to start doing again), drawing, writing, talking with friends, reading a good novel, watching a movie - brings a certain enjoyment into my life that is hard to get in any other way.
• Try to learn at least one new thing a day. - I try to read books that educate me, and through reading these book I am expanding my knowledge every day. Now, the days I don't read and learn usually are the days I come to the end of feeling unfulfilled. There are a lot of things that contribute to that feeling but not learning something or not trying to improve what I know definitely contributes to feeling unfulfilled.
• Express my gratitude to those around me. - This is the fastest way I know of to turn my mood around. If I can change the way I think about and look at the people around me...see them as someone contributing to my life instead of taking away from it, I can consequently change my attitude. I end up being happier because of this.
• Read and study The Book of Mormon. - This is my main indicator of whether or not my day is going to go well. If I read and study out of The Book of Mormon in the morning of my day then my day invariably ends up better than it would have been otherwise. In other words, the days I do read and study The Book of Mormon are better than the days I don't.

Now, this is not a fool-proof list. There are days I have that are just bad. I have to accept that. Sometimes that can be very uncomfortable, but that is just life!

If you get a chance, watch the video on this link. Warning, it is on youtube so if one of your bottom lines is to not get on youtube alone then I'd suggest going and getting someone to watch with you.

  Bring a smile to your face

Well, that is my experience today and this is my daily check-in. I pray I can get another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Worst year of my life

13 days sober:

The last year has been one of the hardest/worst years ever. But it has also been very good.
The bad:

• Sick over Christmas break from school while all my extended family was visiting. Couldn't do anything with them. Couldn't eat any good food.
• Girlfriend announced over Christmas break that she was going to leave on a mission.
• Can't get any length of sobriety or recovery from my sex addiction.
• Went in for surgery in February and was limited to activities that I could do from a couch - for 15 weeks.
• Girlfriend left on mission.
• Went in for surgery again in June.
• Because of surgeries can't do anything I love to do - outdoors activities, running, biking, hiking - and won't be able to for another year.

The good:

• Surgery is fixing a problem that would have caused serious pain in the very near future and for the rest of my life.
• I still have my life.
• I am in a recovery program.

I've been feeling very discouraged for the last while because of how much negative there has been in my life. I have not been doing enough to grow my life in my church and I have not been doing enough to recover. I feel like my life is crumbling because I can't do anything I love because I am in a cast and can't run, or bike, or work out. Any dates I go on are really lame because I can't do anything fun. So...my life pretty much sucks right now.

This is my experience and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours of recovery and growth spiritually.

-Grateful and Hopeful

Friends are valuable...more so than gold!

6 days sober:

Its slowly been dawning on me how important people are in my life. Seriously...they are the most important things in my life, and they aren't even things! I spent a weekend with some new friends and I had a blast! It was so much easier to stay focused and not worry about my addiction when I was with my friends! I loved it!

So...I'm gonna do my best to keep making friends. I want to be a friendly person who has a lot of good friends and who is someone they can rely on to do whatever they need them to do. Yeah...I want that to be said of me!

So, that is my experience today. Friends give me a way to focus on others...and keep my attention away from myself. I hope it won't be in a negative way, but in a way that will help me to change the way I am and a way to help me be better. Also, friends provide a nice way to satisfy my craving of wanting to be loved and accepted. This is a much healthier way than turning to Porn or Masturbation!

This is my daily check in, and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A night free from my computer

4 days sober:

Yesterday I left my parent's house to go to my apartment and I knew I was coming back today so I left my computer at their house. I had nothing to do at my apartment with it other than checking Facebook and Gmail...and let's face it, I really don't need to do those things. So, I had a night away from my computer! It was amazing!

I felt so freed...I mean, even if I had wanted to look at some Porn or something I would have had to use one of my roommates computers and that is always awkward. Also, once I did that I would have crossed another line. Once I use another person's computer I take the "blame" away from myself and put it on them. "They shouldn't have left their computer out like that," or "It was just sitting there." Those are not excuses!

I am grateful I had this experience and realized that I really don't need my computer. If my work didn't depend on using a computer then I might just not use one. Computer facilitate my addiction so much right now, and I am tired of it! Of course there are several different facets to a Sex Addiction, but mine is based mainly on Pornography and Masturbation.

I am grateful also for the sincere prayers I have with my Father is Heaven. I feel so free when I share with Him my struggles and my accomplishments. He blesses me so much and I feel a stronger connection with Him. Not a lot stronger, but I can see the difference it has made in my recovery.

This is my experience this morning, and with that I'll take another 24 hours.

-Grateful and Hopeful

B.L.A.S.T. and H.A.L.T.

(My Post from yesterday)
3 days sober:

Well, I have a lot of warning signs coming at me today. I stayed up pretty late last night talking with a girl and then talking with my roommates. I then got up early to work with my dad on a business...so now I am tired. I noticed as I worked with him I was getting quite annoyed. I also noticed (with loud hints from my stomach) that I had not eaten up to that point. Hungry ... Annoyed (Angry) ... Tired ... hmmm! Sounds like H.A.L.T! That is one of the warning mechanisms that we have in SA.

What do I do now? How do I stop the slide downhill? Here's the steps I've thought of right now:

1. Call someone and let them know - if I let someone know I am having a struggle then somehow it takes a great weight off my shoulders of having to bear it alone. Also, they usually have an idea of what I can do next.
2. Take a nap - If I am tired...maybe I need to just take a 15 to 20 min nap. In the past when I have done this I have felt a lot better after doing this, and then the H in H.A.L.T. is taken care of!
3. Eat something - Its a simple matter of taking care of my body. I am hungry, so I should eat! I've been really lax in eating these last couple days because I am going into surgery in a couple days, so I have kind of built up an extended hunger period.
4. Smile - I have found this changes my attitude - even when I am tired and hungry - faster than anything else. Smiling, and doing my best to keep a positive mindset brings my spirits up and makes it a lot easier for other people to be around me.

That is what I do...I hope it helps others!

Here is a description of the acronyms:

Hungry                                                           Bored
Angry                                                             Lonely
Lonely                                                            Angry
Tired                                                               Stressed
                                                                       Tired

This is my experience today and this is my daily check in. I pray for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Dusting off and pressing on

1 day sober:

I could have titled all the posts for the last couple days that I DIDN'T write with that...1 day sober. Amazing how relieving and depressing that line is...all at the same time!

I haven't wanted to talk to anyone for the past couple days because I have been afraid they are going to judge me. I called my sponsor but he was busy and didn't answer the phone...I am wrong though. The people that I can call are really understanding.  And when I call them I can surrender the feelings I am having.

My problem? I don't open myself to others. I am stuck in a rut of calling no one when I have a problem. I am so shut off from other people that I just start downhill towards acting out and have nothing to stop me until I run off the cliff and hit the bottom. Then I stand up, dust myself off, and start climbing back up the hill...just so I can fall back down again! I need to rely on others so I can get out of my head!

So, I am going to call someone. Right after I get off this post and that will turn this destructive cycle around! I will turn myself over to the care of God and the others in my life that care about me.

I also need to keep a positive mindset. I will rely on God and let him take the wheel.

This is my daily experience...and I apologize right now about not posting over the weekend. I did not keep my commitment and will do better!

I pray I can get another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

3 Things I am grateful for today:

1. The Talents of Others - On my way down to my parents house from my apartment I listened to a book on CD. So many talents went into making that book! You have the writer, the reader, the editor, the person who wrote the CD, the packager...so many! I am grateful for their talents and for the gifts they give the world.
2. Loving Parents - As I mentioned above, I am at my parents house. They are so accepting of me and they love to have me here! I am so grateful for that. Right after I walked in the door my mom told me that there was some cereal in the pantry in case I hadn't eaten any breakfast (which I hadn't incidentally)! 
3. The Gospel of Jesus Christ - I wrote an email to one of my cousins today who is serving a mission for the LDS Church and I was amazed at how personal my feelings towards the Gospel were. I feel like my testimony of the Gospel is wavering...not because I don't feel like it is true, but because I don't do a lot to keep it alive and well. But, when I was writing the letter I bore testimony of the sanctity of missionary work and I loved the feeling I got. I know it is true and I am SO grateful for the calming influence and guiding principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Thoughts from a Sunday morning

5 days sober:

This morning I had some wonderful thoughts about obedience. I wrote them down so that I could remember them.

"Keeping a commandment acts as a gateway to keeping the next commandment. The opposite is true as well. Breaking a rule or commandment leads to breaking other commandments. What we choose empowers us to continue along the path we just chose."

 A very interesting idea that what we do empowers us to continue along that path. If I choose to think about a girl in a lustful way then that will open the path to eventually acting out in my addiction. Also, if I start my day right, thinking about recovery or about God then I will be given strength to resist the temptations that might come at me throughout the day. I am grateful that God has given me that ability.

This is my daily check in and my experience from today. I pray for another 24 hours! One day at a time!

-Grateful and Hopeful

My cravings and the concept of key habits

1 day sober:

I am SO tired of writing that! But I guess it is as my sponsor says, "Did you learn something?" I did learn something from this relapse of acting out. I am learning my patterns as well as learning what my cravings are. That brings me to what I promised I would write about today!

Cravings
In Duhigg's book The Power of Habit, he outlines what researchers are now finding is at the center of a habit. Kind of driving the habit forward...ya know? That is the craving that you associate with that habit. Kind of what emotional (or physical or social or spiritual...etc.) needs you are fulfilling by doing that habit. Duhigg says that if you identify the craving then you can change a habit by meeting the craving but changing the routine (what physical actions the habit involves). I have been trying to figure out what cravings are involved in my habits in my sexual addiction. So far, I have really only thought of one: the craving to feel loved/accepted.

Tonight is an interesting case for me. I am on my laptop writing this blog post and I am alone in the front room of my apartment. Normally, this late at night, I would be jumping onto a porn video site, watching a bit of pornography, and then going and masturbating. Tonight I don't want to. Is it because I just found out that my roommates best friend just died? Maybe...or could it be that I hung out with a couple of guys that I feel totally comfortable around (they are a bunch of guys from my SA group) and therefore fulfilled my need for love and acceptance for the night? Or is it because I surrendered my resentment that I have been holding towards my girlfriend for not being as affectionate as I would like? I just don't know.

Key Habits
The concept of key habits is that there are some habits which, if changed, slowly leak change into every other part of your life. For some it is as simple as making their bed in the morning. This will have them soon following their budget better as well as other things in their life.

I want to identify some key habits for me so I can make some great changes in all aspects of my life. I wonder if reading the Book of Mormon will be one of those key habits? Once again...I'm at a loss for sure knowledge!

SO...those are things I have been learning from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. I feel like they are things that I can apply into my recovery...kind of meshing it into my step work.

Tomorrow I will write about the revelations I had today while in my SA group meeting. Very enlightening!

This is my daily check in and this is my experience and thoughts today. I pray I can get another 24 hours under my belt!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Keeping commitments

3 days sober:

Well, today I am keeping commitments! I know that sound super elementary, but its true! This morning I made a commitment to call a guy from my SA group. I almost forgot about it, but then I decided that now was better than never! He ended up not answering, but just calling him broke the boredness that was plaguing me. So, it works! And its wonderful!

I'm reading The Power of Habit right now and I'm learning a ton! I just read about how the propellant for habits is actually the craving that we associate with the habit. Wonderful information! So...now I just need to figure out what the craving is that is at the core of all of my addiction habits. I think one of the cravings is the feel of the release when masturbating. As I think back...that seems to be what my mind is searching for. How can I replace that? Maybe get a craving for the sense of accomplishment that comes from resisting a temptation? Just an idea!

Well, those have been my thoughts so far today...and this is my daily check in! I pray for all those who still suffer from an addiction. I pray that they will be able to find the help they need. And I pray that I will be able to be sober for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Feeling loved

2 days sober:

So, I relapsed again on Friday...I was home alone and there were some girls not wearing very much clothing down by the pool in front of my apartment. Yeah, that is always a bad combination for me. I might have to end up staying up on my school's campus all day so that I don't see them! Ugh...I hate it when things around me go wrong and its not really something I can control! I guess that is life though...right?

Anyway...the point of the title of this post is that I had someone from the group call me today! It was very nice to have someone call and express concern about my recovery! The guy that called me was there when I gave my First Step Inventory and it was great to hear from him. I really need to reach out to people more...I'm doing a huge disservice to myself when I don't!

So, my goal for this week is to call a different person from my group every day this week. I'll report about it on here!

Aaaannnnddd...this is my experience! I am checking in today and I hope and pray for another 24 hours of recovery!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Relapse again

40 min sober:

Yes, I acted out tonight. I got done watching The Fast and The Furious, jumped on Facebook, saw a picture of a naked girl coming out of the water (she was far enough out of the water to see most of her breast, but not far enough to see the nipple...you know, really teasingly close? Just far enough to imagine that she had no clothes on. Yeah, that much) and that set me off. So, I jumped to a protected browser, found a video that I wanted to watch and started watching it. I then got up and went to the bathroom to masturbate. End of story.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why can't I simple embrace the life of peace and harmony? What is the reward I am looking for? My life really is out of control. I can't stand this up and down...this path of hope and dreams, and then slamming back down to the bottom of a canyon. As I sat here thinking about what to do...and what I did, I realized that I really have been slack on the things I know I should be doing each day.

• Calling my Accountability Partner each day to report is KEY! How can I make sure that I do this? Set an alarm for the time when I should be calling him? Maybe that would work...I just don't know! It's worth a shot!
• Studying recovery material...gotta do it! I have not studied recovery material for awhile now...I don't even remember when the last time was that I picked up the White Book and studied it. Or read it...
• Calling and talking to my Sponsor. I just don't talk to him and I should. I really need to so that I can keep my humility. Without calling and talking to him I am isolating myself and setting up for another fall.
• Not using my computer alone in my room. I used the excuse of not wanting to bother my roommate who was studying...I used that for being in my room with my computer alone. With the lights off. Facing away from the door. Yeah, all of those scream out, "Hey stupid! Just jump on the internet and look up stuff that makes you feel good for a couple minutes but will ultimately destroy your soul!" Its that kind of stuff that I just am smart enough to be dumb about.

Well, another start on the 1 year of sobriety before my girlfriend gets home! Let's go!

Oh, I guess one bright point in today is that I got my copy of The Power of Habit! Yay! Now I can read about how to pinpoint exactly what I am looking for in my reward! Ultimately the only one that can really tell me is my Heavenly Father though...without God I am nothing and I know nothing.

This is my experience today...and I hope and pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Impressions While Studying

9 days sober:

Yesterday evening I was studying one of the talks from the LDS General Conference that was given this last April. The talk I studied was titled The Savior wants to forgive. As I studied I had comfort wash over me and I had the feeling that I can be forgiven for the things I have done. Now, you can call me a religious freak, but I believe in God and I believe in His son Jesus Christ.

The impressions I felt communicated to me that I could be forgiven of the things I've done. One of the keys to recovery is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ as much as I can. And be honest with myself when doing this.

This is my goal, my daily check in, and my experience. This is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful