6 days sober:
Today I learned a lesson...again. The amount of influence a positive mindset can have over my day as well as over the relationships that I have with others. For the past few days I have only been thinking about the negative qualities that my girlfriend has. I haven't been thinking about all of the positively wonderful qualities that she has. The physical distance, about 10 hours has really taken a toll on me, and I haven't put a focus on remembering her good side as I should have. Until today.
Today, I called her up and told her that I loved her. I wrote her a note on facebook in reply to a note she wrote me...and I day-dreamed about being married to her today for the first time in maybe a week. And I am amazed at how much of a difference it has made in my feelings and thoughts towards her! Instead of focusing on what might happen while she is on her mission, I am focusing on what I want to happen when she gets back! I love that girl and can't wait until she and I can be married for eternity!
So, the key point from today? Stay positive. If it's hard then make an extra effort to be positive. Being positive is one of the main things that you can do in order to stay in recovery! Love others because you want to. It's a choice!
This is my daily check in, my experience of recovery, and also my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Making a Life of Recovery
5 days sober:
I attended a funeral today. I didn't know those who had died...I was invited to play the violin for the graveside services. I was related to them, but I had never met them or talked with them before. While I was there, I was able to attend the funeral service inside the LDS Church, and the things that were said about the couple who had died were amazing! So inspiring!
As I listened I thought, "What will those who care say about me when I pass on?" So, I started pondering on what I would like them to say about me. I want others to say that I was a man who was always true to his word, patient, thrifty, hardworking, happy, and totally devoted to his wife. That was what really impressed me. Those speaking always noted how devoted to his wife the man was. Very impressive!
Those are my thoughts today and my desires. This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I attended a funeral today. I didn't know those who had died...I was invited to play the violin for the graveside services. I was related to them, but I had never met them or talked with them before. While I was there, I was able to attend the funeral service inside the LDS Church, and the things that were said about the couple who had died were amazing! So inspiring!
As I listened I thought, "What will those who care say about me when I pass on?" So, I started pondering on what I would like them to say about me. I want others to say that I was a man who was always true to his word, patient, thrifty, hardworking, happy, and totally devoted to his wife. That was what really impressed me. Those speaking always noted how devoted to his wife the man was. Very impressive!
Those are my thoughts today and my desires. This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Friday, April 26, 2013
Purpose in Recovery and Relapse
1 day sober:
Well, it's true...I relapsed yesterday. It took me a whole day to admit it to myself. I am so ashamed, but I am even more scared to tell me girlfriend, especially when she isn't here. She is 10 hours away from me and I am afraid that if I told her then she would get really upset. However, we have a deal that I am to tell her whenever it happens. I was hoping the last time would be the last, but apparently not!
I can definitely see where I went wrong this time: I was alone when I was lonely. I didn't call anyone. I pushed the limits and my bottom lines (which I have been scared to set up and establish...I felt like they would limit the 'fun' I could have). I wasn't reading from the scriptures every day. I was sometimes praying. Basically the only thing from my dailies (daily's?) I was doing was writing my blog posts.
So...today and yesterday have been probably some of the hardest days ever. Aren't the days right after you act out the hardest? The acceptance that has to come, the change in mind-set...everything changes in an instant when you act out.
I think I have found one of the reasons I have been complacent since my girlfriend left...I haven't really had a purpose in life other than making her happy. So, this summer I am going to be looking for a purpose or a goal I can work towards; a direction I can find fulfillment from.
One thing I need to surrender is my frustration and my feelings of needing to control things. I moved into a new apartment today and I haven't met my roommates yet...but there was one guy staying in the apartment of 4 guys and he had stuff everywhere! As I was moving my stuff in I kept thinking, "I just need my own place...I need to get married, so I have my own place and then I don't have to deal with people who have no clue about keeping a place clean." Yeah...totally trying to control my environment. I need to stop it.
Well, this is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours...
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, it's true...I relapsed yesterday. It took me a whole day to admit it to myself. I am so ashamed, but I am even more scared to tell me girlfriend, especially when she isn't here. She is 10 hours away from me and I am afraid that if I told her then she would get really upset. However, we have a deal that I am to tell her whenever it happens. I was hoping the last time would be the last, but apparently not!
I can definitely see where I went wrong this time: I was alone when I was lonely. I didn't call anyone. I pushed the limits and my bottom lines (which I have been scared to set up and establish...I felt like they would limit the 'fun' I could have). I wasn't reading from the scriptures every day. I was sometimes praying. Basically the only thing from my dailies (daily's?) I was doing was writing my blog posts.
So...today and yesterday have been probably some of the hardest days ever. Aren't the days right after you act out the hardest? The acceptance that has to come, the change in mind-set...everything changes in an instant when you act out.
I think I have found one of the reasons I have been complacent since my girlfriend left...I haven't really had a purpose in life other than making her happy. So, this summer I am going to be looking for a purpose or a goal I can work towards; a direction I can find fulfillment from.
One thing I need to surrender is my frustration and my feelings of needing to control things. I moved into a new apartment today and I haven't met my roommates yet...but there was one guy staying in the apartment of 4 guys and he had stuff everywhere! As I was moving my stuff in I kept thinking, "I just need my own place...I need to get married, so I have my own place and then I don't have to deal with people who have no clue about keeping a place clean." Yeah...totally trying to control my environment. I need to stop it.
Well, this is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours...
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Lost in Life
37 days sober:
This may sound cheesy, but I am lost without my girlfriend...I don't know what to do all day. I just miss her. We were together all the time! Except for at night and that was only from about 12 (midnight) until 7:30am! Yeah, it's pathetic...so needless to say I have been searching out things to do all day so that I don't act out or anything. I had a very close call yesterday, but luckily I was able to focus on God and not act out!
I'm not quite sure how I am going to do a whole year and a half! I am going to have to find something to do! I can't just sit around or I'm going to go crazy! I keep finding myself checking my phone looking for a text message from my girlfriend, getting on Facebook to check and see if she answered back to my message on there, checking my email to see if she has emailed me...checking everything and anything looking for any form of communication from her! Yeah...I'm going crazy!
Well, that is what I am struggling with today! Being lonely! Yes..H.A.L.T. I'm not keeping it...but it's hard to fill the void that is in my heart and life right now. What makes it worse is I can't go work out or go for a run like I want to because of the surgery that I had on my ankle back in February! It's not good...I want to get out and run so badly right now!
Well, this is my daily check-in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
This may sound cheesy, but I am lost without my girlfriend...I don't know what to do all day. I just miss her. We were together all the time! Except for at night and that was only from about 12 (midnight) until 7:30am! Yeah, it's pathetic...so needless to say I have been searching out things to do all day so that I don't act out or anything. I had a very close call yesterday, but luckily I was able to focus on God and not act out!
I'm not quite sure how I am going to do a whole year and a half! I am going to have to find something to do! I can't just sit around or I'm going to go crazy! I keep finding myself checking my phone looking for a text message from my girlfriend, getting on Facebook to check and see if she answered back to my message on there, checking my email to see if she has emailed me...checking everything and anything looking for any form of communication from her! Yeah...I'm going crazy!
Well, that is what I am struggling with today! Being lonely! Yes..H.A.L.T. I'm not keeping it...but it's hard to fill the void that is in my heart and life right now. What makes it worse is I can't go work out or go for a run like I want to because of the surgery that I had on my ankle back in February! It's not good...I want to get out and run so badly right now!
Well, this is my daily check-in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Can I recover?
36 days sober:
My girlfriend left this morning for her home. She lives 11 hours away from me, and in 4 weeks she leaves on her mission for the LDS Church. I am super scared that I am going to lose my sobriety because I really miss her. She has been one of the greatest strengths to me for my sobriety thus far...and I'm scared to see what will happen with her gone. I guess this will really test whether or not I am in this for myself!
I am amazed at my automatic addict reaction to this situation though! All I want is to be by myself, look at some pornography, and masturbate...all day! For some reason I feel like that would make me feel a lot better...yeah right! I know for a fact that doing that would send me into such a tailspin out of recovery that I don't know if I would ever get back...
How am I going to get through today?
-Call someone if I need to
-Focus on studying for my last final
-Pray like crazy
-Study recovery material
-Clean my room (it really needs it!)
-in general, keep myself from being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
This is my plan!
This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
My girlfriend left this morning for her home. She lives 11 hours away from me, and in 4 weeks she leaves on her mission for the LDS Church. I am super scared that I am going to lose my sobriety because I really miss her. She has been one of the greatest strengths to me for my sobriety thus far...and I'm scared to see what will happen with her gone. I guess this will really test whether or not I am in this for myself!
I am amazed at my automatic addict reaction to this situation though! All I want is to be by myself, look at some pornography, and masturbate...all day! For some reason I feel like that would make me feel a lot better...yeah right! I know for a fact that doing that would send me into such a tailspin out of recovery that I don't know if I would ever get back...
How am I going to get through today?
-Call someone if I need to
-Focus on studying for my last final
-Pray like crazy
-Study recovery material
-Clean my room (it really needs it!)
-in general, keep myself from being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
This is my plan!
This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Recovery with God
35 days sober:
I realized this morning that I am nothing without God...the only way I have gotten this much sobriety and recovery is solely because of the support and love of God. There is no way I could have done this without him!
Daily prayer, service to others, reading His word in the scriptures...all of these have helped me to come this far. I am glad and grateful! I never want to fall again...and I know that with God that can become a reality!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I realized this morning that I am nothing without God...the only way I have gotten this much sobriety and recovery is solely because of the support and love of God. There is no way I could have done this without him!
Daily prayer, service to others, reading His word in the scriptures...all of these have helped me to come this far. I am glad and grateful! I never want to fall again...and I know that with God that can become a reality!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, April 22, 2013
Time of Recovery
34 days sober:
Today I am grateful for time. Time is such a precious thing if you really think about it. What else can we never get back if we waste it?
As I read in the Book of Mormon today (if you haven't read it, you totally should!) there was a prophet talking about why we are here on the earth. He said, "For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." (Alma 34:32) If this life is the time for preparing to meet God, then what I have done with my life? What have I done with my time? Have I used it in an honorable way? I haven't been perfect, but I also haven't been the worst person ever...however, I still have need to repent (a word that denotes a change of heart or of mind) and come closer to God.
The urge to connect and to know God is one of the greatest urges and desires that I have. I can't wait until I see my Lord and Savior and recognize him. This is why I want to be the best person I can be.
Today I am working on being content with my situation. Usually if I feel like anything is out of place then I get worried, anxious, irritable, mad, angry, resentful, hungry, lonely, tired...all of the warning signs and attitudes that warn of a possible acting out episode. I can't afford that! So, I am going to be content today...content with where I am in life, how I act, who I am with, how I feel towards others, etc. I am not going to stop progressing, no...but I am going to acknowledge the things I cannot change and accept it.
Serenity Prayer (from SA and AA)
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
Time is something that has been given to me...and I need to use it. I cannot let it be the driving force in my life, I need to manage and control my portion of time.
This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today I am grateful for time. Time is such a precious thing if you really think about it. What else can we never get back if we waste it?
As I read in the Book of Mormon today (if you haven't read it, you totally should!) there was a prophet talking about why we are here on the earth. He said, "For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." (Alma 34:32) If this life is the time for preparing to meet God, then what I have done with my life? What have I done with my time? Have I used it in an honorable way? I haven't been perfect, but I also haven't been the worst person ever...however, I still have need to repent (a word that denotes a change of heart or of mind) and come closer to God.
The urge to connect and to know God is one of the greatest urges and desires that I have. I can't wait until I see my Lord and Savior and recognize him. This is why I want to be the best person I can be.
Today I am working on being content with my situation. Usually if I feel like anything is out of place then I get worried, anxious, irritable, mad, angry, resentful, hungry, lonely, tired...all of the warning signs and attitudes that warn of a possible acting out episode. I can't afford that! So, I am going to be content today...content with where I am in life, how I act, who I am with, how I feel towards others, etc. I am not going to stop progressing, no...but I am going to acknowledge the things I cannot change and accept it.
Serenity Prayer (from SA and AA)
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
Time is something that has been given to me...and I need to use it. I cannot let it be the driving force in my life, I need to manage and control my portion of time.
This is my daily check in, and this is my hope for another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
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