2 days sober:
Reading in the SA White Book tonight I re-read the section on recognizing trigger mechanisms. Mind-blowing! I mean, I've read that section 3 or 4 times, but each time I am reminded of how many things can trigger me, especially my emotions.
Whenever I read about HALT I stop and think, "I need to be more aware of that." Actually, that thought comes probably 2 or 3 times a week. I need to be better at remembering and APPLYING the principles I learn.
So, here is my application of a principle. Or maybe a couple of them. I am reaching out to others instead of staying within my own mind and shutting others off. I am writing down something I thought about and feel is inspiration from God about how I can work on overcoming my addiction.
Hungry (haste, hurry, hyper)
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Each one of these emotions or states of being are dangerous to an addict. I know that I personally have very weak resistance to temptations when I am any one of those. Another acronym is BLAST. Bored. Lonely. Angry. Stressed. Tired.
So, I know that I need to be careful and be aware of when I am in any one of those moods...but how do I do that? How can I remember to be aware of that?
I'm not sure, but that is what I am going to be investigating over the next couple days. Praying and asking for inspiration.
I have the choice to act...or I can let myself be acted upon by my sex-addiction. I choose to act and turn my will over to the Lord. Only with His help can I stay aware of my situation and change it accordingly.
This is my experience and this is my checking in. Please comment if you have any input at all. You can even check the anonymous box (or uncheck it?) so you don't have to put your name.
Thanks,
Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
Scared of Mr. Banks
0 days sober:
Its been awhile since I posted, but I thought now would be a good opportunity to post something.
I went to the movie theater on Saturday with my fiance to see Saving Mr. Banks and was thoroughly amazed! I expected the movie to be good, but I wasn't sure how good it was going to be. The songs, humor, and thoughtful moments kept me engaged the whole time...but the one thing I didn't expect was to be scared down to my core. Here's why:
In the movie Saving Mr. Banks the life of the writer P. L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, is depicted as the inspiration for the story of Mary Poppins. However, her story isn't all sunshine and roses; her father, Travers Goff, loses his job several times and eventually dies because of fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. Throughout the movie you see the heartache and pain that his addiction causes his family. You also see Travers create an imaginary world that he uses to try to escape his addiction.
The movie Mary Poppins is such a wonderful story of redemption; even though he has become distracted, Mr. Banks is able to turn his heart to his children and be a part of their lives again.
As I watched this struggle and coping mechanism, I saw a possible future of my own life. I broke down in the car on the way home as I expressed to my fiance the fears I experienced and continued to experience after the movie. She could tell something was off and so she was gracious enough to ask...she is so wonderful to me.
I know that with God I can overcome this addiction. I slipped up this morning, but I commit to being sober for the rest of today. I am powerless over lust and I
This is my experience and this is my check in today. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His guiding influence in my life.
Grateful and Hopeful
Its been awhile since I posted, but I thought now would be a good opportunity to post something.
I went to the movie theater on Saturday with my fiance to see Saving Mr. Banks and was thoroughly amazed! I expected the movie to be good, but I wasn't sure how good it was going to be. The songs, humor, and thoughtful moments kept me engaged the whole time...but the one thing I didn't expect was to be scared down to my core. Here's why:
In the movie Saving Mr. Banks the life of the writer P. L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, is depicted as the inspiration for the story of Mary Poppins. However, her story isn't all sunshine and roses; her father, Travers Goff, loses his job several times and eventually dies because of fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. Throughout the movie you see the heartache and pain that his addiction causes his family. You also see Travers create an imaginary world that he uses to try to escape his addiction.
The movie Mary Poppins is such a wonderful story of redemption; even though he has become distracted, Mr. Banks is able to turn his heart to his children and be a part of their lives again.
As I watched this struggle and coping mechanism, I saw a possible future of my own life. I broke down in the car on the way home as I expressed to my fiance the fears I experienced and continued to experience after the movie. She could tell something was off and so she was gracious enough to ask...she is so wonderful to me.
I know that with God I can overcome this addiction. I slipped up this morning, but I commit to being sober for the rest of today. I am powerless over lust and I
This is my experience and this is my check in today. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His guiding influence in my life.
Grateful and Hopeful
Saturday, November 2, 2013
In The Hour of Affliction
0 days sober:
Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.
Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.
I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.
I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yes, it is true...I just masturbated about 50 minutes ago. I'm gonna be totally honest...I'm a little disheartened. I know what I should do, but I really don't like the shame that comes with it. I need to go back to SA.
Yes, I don't go to SA anymore. I haven't been for about a month and a half now. In that month and a half I haven't been able to get more than 3 consecutive days of sobriety. I know I should go back...I just can't face that shame of letting people down. Ugh...I'm gonna go Tuesday. That is the earliest I can work my schedule out.
I want to be better. I know with God's help I can do this...its just turning my heart over to Him that is hard. I need to get back into my schedule of study in the morning. To do that I also need to be more judicious about what time I get to bed.
I just had an idea...I need to make a list of things to work on this week:
- Get to bed by 11 on school nights
- Wake up at 6:30 every morning
- Study the LDS gospel principles every morning
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
The Lord is My Strength
2 days sober:
I am LDS. I accept the LDS scriptures as doctrine. We have a section of our canon of scripture called The Pearl of Great Price. In this book there is a book called the Book of Abraham. While reading out of that this morning I realized that God is all-powerful. Why I haven't relied on Him before now I don't know...I guess I just like to feel in-control of my life.
From my reading and pondering this morning, I decided that I will do my best today to rely on His direction. I am going to start off my day by letting Him know I want to be directed by Him today and then heading out.
This is my hope for recovery, and this is my checking in for the day.
Here's to another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I am LDS. I accept the LDS scriptures as doctrine. We have a section of our canon of scripture called The Pearl of Great Price. In this book there is a book called the Book of Abraham. While reading out of that this morning I realized that God is all-powerful. Why I haven't relied on Him before now I don't know...I guess I just like to feel in-control of my life.
From my reading and pondering this morning, I decided that I will do my best today to rely on His direction. I am going to start off my day by letting Him know I want to be directed by Him today and then heading out.
This is my hope for recovery, and this is my checking in for the day.
Here's to another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
One day at a time
2 days sober:
We have a common saying or ideal that we try to live by in SA. That is to take our recovery one day at a time.
I don't do very well in thinking about this on a daily basis. Today I didn't really think about my recovery at all...until I caught myself taking street lust hits on some of the girls in the library I was walking through. I caught myself and for one of the very few times so far, I immediately thought about calling someone to get the shame and frustration out of my head. Not only to shed it, but to establish a connection with someone.
So, while I don't do very well in living this ideal, I did make a commitment with my Accountability Partner to be sober today. I can only promise sobriety for the rest of today because tomorrow is a whole new day.
This is my experience and I commit to sobriety for the rest of today.
-Grateful and Hopeful
We have a common saying or ideal that we try to live by in SA. That is to take our recovery one day at a time.
I don't do very well in thinking about this on a daily basis. Today I didn't really think about my recovery at all...until I caught myself taking street lust hits on some of the girls in the library I was walking through. I caught myself and for one of the very few times so far, I immediately thought about calling someone to get the shame and frustration out of my head. Not only to shed it, but to establish a connection with someone.
So, while I don't do very well in living this ideal, I did make a commitment with my Accountability Partner to be sober today. I can only promise sobriety for the rest of today because tomorrow is a whole new day.
This is my experience and I commit to sobriety for the rest of today.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
A New Start 2x
1 day sober:
Today is a new start for me in several ways, and while I am excited about this I am also a bit cautious. In what ways am is today a new start for me? Here you go:
Well, that is what is going on with me today.
This is my daily experience. I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today is a new start for me in several ways, and while I am excited about this I am also a bit cautious. In what ways am is today a new start for me? Here you go:
- I start my school classes today.
- I start my sobriety again today.
Well, that is what is going on with me today.
This is my daily experience. I commit to another 24 hours of sobriety.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Becoming Grateful
4 days sober:
Yesterday I had something happen that was very important to me. I was reminded of something I need to do every day that I haven't been doing; being grateful for the things that happen in my life. Here is how I was reminded:
Yesterday morning my Accountability Partner called me because he needed some help. We chatted for awhile, both of us talked about problems we have been having, and then we went on with our respective days. I had a wonderful day filled with relaxation, time with my girlfriend, getting ready for the next semester at college, and spending time with a friend because he needed it.
There were a couple bad parts though. I tried to work on a project for a choir I am in, but I felt too lazy. I wasn't able to procure a computer with the right software and so I rationalized that there wasn't anything I could do. I then rationalized that my friend needed me to spend time with him as bro's rather than going to my SA group meeting. (I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow morning to make up for it) These kinds of rationalizations are dangerous for me because of the mindset I put myself in.
As I started getting into bed I had some inappropriate thoughts about my girlfriend, trying to guess what she was wearing while playing tennis. I caught myself thinking those though and decided to surrender the desire to think of her in that way to the Lord. I prayed, was able to surrender the thoughts, and then went to bed.
Right as I was falling asleep my Accountability Partner called again. I was super happy to talk to him and I could tell he needed some time to talk. So, he talked for about 20 minutes straight about his feelings and why he was feeling triggered and desiring watching some movie. As he talked I was reminded of how I used to write down 3 things I was grateful for that day. Things the Lord had done for me that day. As my AP talked I didn't see why I was thinking of this and then he said this, "I just don't know what to do right now to get my mind off of what I was watching last week." Bingo! I shared with him my idea and then we ended the call.
The point to this story is that the Lord used me to help my AP, but he also reminded me of something I needed to be doing. As I got out of bed to write down the ways the Lord had touched my life that day, I immediately thought of my AP calling.
Gratitude is essential for my to keep my recovery in perspective. I have a bigger purpose than just making myself happy. I have a loving Father in Heaven who wants me to live with Him after I die. I can only do that if I live his gospel. I am very grateful for that reminder yesterday.
This is my daily experience and this is my prayer for another 24 hours of recovery.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Yesterday I had something happen that was very important to me. I was reminded of something I need to do every day that I haven't been doing; being grateful for the things that happen in my life. Here is how I was reminded:
Yesterday morning my Accountability Partner called me because he needed some help. We chatted for awhile, both of us talked about problems we have been having, and then we went on with our respective days. I had a wonderful day filled with relaxation, time with my girlfriend, getting ready for the next semester at college, and spending time with a friend because he needed it.
There were a couple bad parts though. I tried to work on a project for a choir I am in, but I felt too lazy. I wasn't able to procure a computer with the right software and so I rationalized that there wasn't anything I could do. I then rationalized that my friend needed me to spend time with him as bro's rather than going to my SA group meeting. (I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow morning to make up for it) These kinds of rationalizations are dangerous for me because of the mindset I put myself in.
As I started getting into bed I had some inappropriate thoughts about my girlfriend, trying to guess what she was wearing while playing tennis. I caught myself thinking those though and decided to surrender the desire to think of her in that way to the Lord. I prayed, was able to surrender the thoughts, and then went to bed.
Right as I was falling asleep my Accountability Partner called again. I was super happy to talk to him and I could tell he needed some time to talk. So, he talked for about 20 minutes straight about his feelings and why he was feeling triggered and desiring watching some movie. As he talked I was reminded of how I used to write down 3 things I was grateful for that day. Things the Lord had done for me that day. As my AP talked I didn't see why I was thinking of this and then he said this, "I just don't know what to do right now to get my mind off of what I was watching last week." Bingo! I shared with him my idea and then we ended the call.
The point to this story is that the Lord used me to help my AP, but he also reminded me of something I needed to be doing. As I got out of bed to write down the ways the Lord had touched my life that day, I immediately thought of my AP calling.
Gratitude is essential for my to keep my recovery in perspective. I have a bigger purpose than just making myself happy. I have a loving Father in Heaven who wants me to live with Him after I die. I can only do that if I live his gospel. I am very grateful for that reminder yesterday.
This is my daily experience and this is my prayer for another 24 hours of recovery.
-Grateful and Hopeful
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