Stay Strong

1 day sober:

When I served a mission for the LDS Church, I ended each weekly email home with the words Stay Strong. Lately I've been thinking about what I mean when I say that. What does it mean to stay strong? (If you have any ideas I'd love to hear about them!) Well, in thinking about it I have come up with a couple things I feel like I mean when I say this to someone else. (I will write these in the "I" form since I expect myself to do these things before I can give them to someone else)

1. Stay committed - if I have a task ahead of me...I will not back down! I will stay committed and see it through to the end!
2. Stay true to yourself - the worst thing anyone can do is lie to themselves. If I lie to myself then I know there is something seriously wrong! I will stay true to myself and accept who I am. God does, so I should too!
3. Stay honest - honesty is something that can be scarce these days. Not that I am that old...I'm 23. I am still old enough to know that honesty is always the best policy! Especially for addicts. It is only through full honesty that I can recover. Nothing else will work for me!
4. Stay diligent - somewhat similar to staying committed, but diligence implies that I am careful and thorough in what I am doing. Whatever I do do...I do it well!
5. Stay dedicated - once I choose a course, I will stay on it no matter what!
6. Stay virtuous - the morals that I live according to in my life dictate what I do and how I treat people. As long as I have high morals...I will regret very few things.

In a nutshell I guess I mean to say that I can never let my guard down. That is what it means to stay strong. I am in a battle against Satan...and so far I am not doing very well!

In my White Book study today I read,

 "Awareness of the unmanageability of our lives was not apparent to us at first. But as we recovered from shock and spiritual blindness, we began to see how we were unable to function without lust, negative attitudes, and dependencies holding us together."

Now...I read that and I had these thoughts. When does the recovery mentioned here start? Does it only come through a certain length of sobriety or does it start the minute I decide to fight this addiction? Does it happen when I decide to start surrendering?

If anyone reading this has any insights, please share them with me.

This is my daily check in, and this is me committing to another 24 hours! Stay Strong!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Relapse again

40 min sober:

Yes, I acted out tonight. I got done watching The Fast and The Furious, jumped on Facebook, saw a picture of a naked girl coming out of the water (she was far enough out of the water to see most of her breast, but not far enough to see the nipple...you know, really teasingly close? Just far enough to imagine that she had no clothes on. Yeah, that much) and that set me off. So, I jumped to a protected browser, found a video that I wanted to watch and started watching it. I then got up and went to the bathroom to masturbate. End of story.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why can't I simple embrace the life of peace and harmony? What is the reward I am looking for? My life really is out of control. I can't stand this up and down...this path of hope and dreams, and then slamming back down to the bottom of a canyon. As I sat here thinking about what to do...and what I did, I realized that I really have been slack on the things I know I should be doing each day.

• Calling my Accountability Partner each day to report is KEY! How can I make sure that I do this? Set an alarm for the time when I should be calling him? Maybe that would work...I just don't know! It's worth a shot!
• Studying recovery material...gotta do it! I have not studied recovery material for awhile now...I don't even remember when the last time was that I picked up the White Book and studied it. Or read it...
• Calling and talking to my Sponsor. I just don't talk to him and I should. I really need to so that I can keep my humility. Without calling and talking to him I am isolating myself and setting up for another fall.
• Not using my computer alone in my room. I used the excuse of not wanting to bother my roommate who was studying...I used that for being in my room with my computer alone. With the lights off. Facing away from the door. Yeah, all of those scream out, "Hey stupid! Just jump on the internet and look up stuff that makes you feel good for a couple minutes but will ultimately destroy your soul!" Its that kind of stuff that I just am smart enough to be dumb about.

Well, another start on the 1 year of sobriety before my girlfriend gets home! Let's go!

Oh, I guess one bright point in today is that I got my copy of The Power of Habit! Yay! Now I can read about how to pinpoint exactly what I am looking for in my reward! Ultimately the only one that can really tell me is my Heavenly Father though...without God I am nothing and I know nothing.

This is my experience today...and I hope and pray I can get another 24 hours of sobriety!

-Grateful and Hopeful

A Day Reading

12 days sober:

Today was a very interesting day...I spent basically the whole day reading. I am on vacation with my family, and we spent most of the day in cars driving around looking at scenery. I am reading the Wheel of Time series right now and actually just finished the eleventh book today! So, I only have 3 more left until I get to the end of the series. That isn't what I want to write about!

How did I feel today after reading all day? Unfulfilled. I felt like I should have been enjoying the scenery with my family instead of sticking my nose in a book all day. We drove through some wonderful country today and I missed almost all of it because I was so involved in my book! (it was a great book in my defense) I'm nervous because I isolated myself all day and with that isolation comes a feeling of being unloved. Feeling unloved is what sometimes sets me right on the edge...ready to fall over and act out! So...I need to make sure I get some good rest tonight so that I can focus on being around others tomorrow and on building my relationship with my Heavenly Father (God) a bit more. Tomorrow is the Sabbath and I want to spend the whole day worshiping Him. It is His day after-all.

So...what is the take away? Know what you are feeling. Learn to recognize the feelings you are having and learn to analyze your situation. Once you understand more of what brings you to the edge of acting out, then you'll be able to start watching out for those situations/moods/feelings. But, that is like plucking leaves off a tree and saying you are cutting it down. The real heart of my problem is the reward I am looking for. The one I haven't identified yet and that I am searching for. I don't know what drives me to watch others having sex and then imagining myself having sex with someone while masturbating. (Sorry for the graphic content) This is something I will be pondering tomorrow. I have a couple ideas, but I really want to spend some time in conversation with God in order to really discern why I do what I do.

This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Deviance

11 days sober:

From my 'deviance' last night, today I was plagued by a lot of different thoughts and temptations. Definitely one of the harder days. I haven't found an answer of how to get around that except for...rely on God. He can fix it all!

This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Fables

10 days sober:

Well, I just had a close call! I looked up some things on the internet and...well, I didn't end up finding anything related to that topic (videos or pictures of porn so that I could masturbate to something). So, I technically still have my sobriety, but I don't feel super recovered.

On that note, one thing I realized today was that...with God anything is possible. With God I can wait 18 months for the girl of my dreams to return. On my own I will lose sight of what I was waiting for, I will let my hormones take over, I will go out and find girls that are loose with themselves and willing to open up...there are a lot of things I could do. But, I am not going to!

With God I can recover. Tonight I pushed the line and I am still in danger of it...but the minute I reached out to God after looking at the stories of people online I was comforted and strengthened. Not really anything spectacular...at least in this instance, but it was just a little bit of strength. Kind of God saying to me, "I'm here for you if you want to turn to me and let me help you." Very reassuring!

With God I can learn the things I want to know and experience the things I want to experience. I want to gain a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ...gain such a testimony that I won't be shaken. I want to experience what it means to have my foundation based on the rock of my Redeemer. What does that feel like? 

Some of the things I read tonight were disturbing and got me thinking a bit...and not about things that would be beneficial to my spirituality. Why does it seem like everyone who is out there is having a lot of fun? Why does it seem like those who have sex and just party around are having a lot of fun? My hormones (my body) yearn for that kind of release and fun...but I have to remember that I am not down here on earth to let my physical body run the show. I am here so that my spiritual body, my spirit, can learn how to utilize and control my physical body.

I would love to answer the ads on Craigslist and have sex with women every night. I would probably get really messed up too! I know that isn't really what I want though. Any time I have gotten close to having sex with a girl (yes, it felt wonderful and I wanted to go further all the time) the pain that followed was so much that it made me not want that for a brief time.

"I'm now to the point that I'm not willing to trade a moment of pleasure for a lot of pain." - SA Sponsor

One of the things I am afraid of now is of what my mindset with be like when I get married. Will I be ok with having sex with my wife? What kinds of sex are ok? Is it ok for her to stimulate me? Is it ok for me to stimulate her? These are questions I have that I have no clue how to get answers to. I am scared that I will be repulsed by having sex with my wife and that I will be messed up for a long time to come!

Well this is my daily check in...and this is my experience. If you have any answers for me, please be judicious about it! I hope and pray I can make it another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Impressions While Studying

9 days sober:

Yesterday evening I was studying one of the talks from the LDS General Conference that was given this last April. The talk I studied was titled The Savior wants to forgive. As I studied I had comfort wash over me and I had the feeling that I can be forgiven for the things I have done. Now, you can call me a religious freak, but I believe in God and I believe in His son Jesus Christ.

The impressions I felt communicated to me that I could be forgiven of the things I've done. One of the keys to recovery is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ as much as I can. And be honest with myself when doing this.

This is my goal, my daily check in, and my experience. This is my hope for another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful

Finding Motivation

8 days sober:

I have not had a lot of motivation to do anything today. I have a need to work on the website for the business I am starting with my dad, but I just realized that I do not have any specific goals for today! Also, since I miss my girlfriend so much, I have been feeling really down today. I miss her...but there isn't anything I can do about that! I need to smile!

So, my plan for getting a bit more motivation to be happy, have fun, and to get things done today? Smile as much as I can, and set goals for what I want to have happen.

So, I am deciding right now to be happy and to smile! Today is a good day because I am alive! One inspiration for this is a recent post by Leo Babauta:

 Smile

Read it and practice it!

This is my daily check in and this is my experience. With that I'll take another 24 hours!

-Grateful and Hopeful