A New Start (Again)

4 Days Sober

I've decided to start again. This blog that is.

I relapsed four days ago and since then I have been a wreck. I've been depressed, angry, resentful, frustrated, sad, lost, hurt, and a whole host of other negative emotions. I don't know of any other way of dealing with this other than to write about it. I've had this blog pop into my head the last couple of days, so maybe I need to listen to God's prompting and actually do something with this. I hope it means something to someone else, but at the very least it will help me.

Maybe that needs to be the point.

I really want to recover. I've been reading out of Clayton M. Christensen's book How Will You Measure Your Life, well I actually finished it and then passed it on to my wife so she can read it. I really want to go back through and jot down some of the main points though, because I really want to change my life. From what I can remember, he made some really spot-on comments about how to live a righteous, connected life. Well, as spot-on as I can judge as an insane, out-of-control sex addict, right?

(There's been a lot of that too...self-deprecation)

Another book I've been reading is Stephen R. Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I DO remember what I've been listening to (yeah, I have an audiobook version, so I'm not actually reading it). Mostly because I listened to it today while hiking, so I haven't had a whole ton of time to forget it. One thing he mentioned was the idea that we are and can be pro-active. I like that and I want to be as pro-active as I can be. Why? Because Covey said that between stimulus and response we have the ability to choose. I want to believe that and apply that to my life. I want to be able to choose a good way to respond to a sex trigger. I have hope that I can.

So, my point for today? I'm back. And I feel alone. My marriage isn't what I expected it to be, my wife isn't who I expected her to be, and I feel like I don't have many friends in the world. I hope that by getting my thoughts out on paper I can start opening up to those around me and start making connections with them. Maybe after I fix all of the myriad of psychological, emotional, and spiritual problems I have. Maybe then someone will want to be around me. (I think what I'm doing is bad, but I don't really care. It feels good.)

Even though I don't feel particularly Grateful or Hopeful right now, I'll take another 24 hours.

-GH

Revisiting Surrender

72 days sober:

Surrender. This is a word I have really struggled to understand. I don't fully understand it yet and I'm not sure I will ever. But I want to. I am trying to now.

I started over on the 12 Steps today. "What? You have 72 days of sobriety! You should be on like step 5 or something!" Yeah, well, I haven't been working the steps. I have gotten this far only through God's help.

I believe recovery is possible but I haven't always. As of yesterday I was a little doubtful. There was a little nagging feeling in the back of my mind while I was in group yesterday. That feeling was doubt. Its worse than fear.

I have a goal this week to read Step One material every day and then write about it. Write my thoughts. Write my feelings. Write quotes so I can remember them.

Surrender is...the key...to a joyful and purposeful life with others.

As I finished reading about Step One in the White Book of SA, I read something I haven't ever seen or thought of before. This sentence talked about sexual sobriety and emotional sobriety. For so long I have been focused on my sexual sobriety and wondering when I would be able to have a year, two, five, ten.

Mind opened today.

I'm 72 days sexually sober, but today I am starting my emotional sobriety. I am not going to count days, but I AM going to strive for emotional sobriety every day. Without this side of recovery...there will be no recovery.

I am powerless over my defects: resentment, anger, pride, annoyance with others, tiredness, dependency...and I am still working on finding others. But, I am powerless over them. I cannot control them without God's help.

I surrender myself to Thee, God, to do with me as Thou wilt.

With that, I will take another 24 hours.

-GH

At The End of The Day

1 day sober:

I made it 24 hours. Of course, 6 of those 24 hours were spent sleeping, but hey! I made it 24 hours!

I am so grateful, like the guy said this morning in SA group, that God answered my prayer and blessed me with 24 hours of sobriety. I am grateful that I was able to do so much today. I worked out, I went to an SA meeting, I got to work on a project with my fiance, I was able to hang out with some friends from high school and play Axis and Allies, and then I was able to hang out and cuddle with my fiance before going to bed. Today has been a great day.

This recovery is impossible without God. I might be able to get some sobriety (which I haven't been able to do yet) without directly turning to Him...but the only way that I am going to recover is to turn my will completely over to Him and let Him run my life.

I pray that I will be able to do that tomorrow. Here's to another 24.

-GH

We Have Emotional Needs

0 days sober: (I relapsed last night, so today is day 1)

I went to my SA group this morning and I learned so much. One of the guys was celebrating 2 years of recovery today and so we sang Happy Birthday to him and he brought donuts for us. Kind of like the Hobbit way of having a birthday - give presents to everyone instead of asking them to give them to you.

Anyway, to my real point in this post.

We all have emotional needs. For us Sex Addicts, recovering or not, we have learned to cope with those emotional needs by resorting to some form of sexual stimulation. This does NOT make the problem go away. In fact it is exactly opposite; this way of coping usually makes the problem bigger.

As I sat in group, I tried to figure out what my personal emotional needs are. If I can identify what they are then I can start REALLY trying to meet them instead of just dancing around them. Here is what I thought of:

1. Need to feel like I am relied upon - I want to feel like others rely on me and that I matter to them.
2. Need to feel needed - Similar to the one above, but this is more of a feeling that others need me in their lives. That their lives would be vastly different if I wasn't there.
3. Need to feel appreciated - I want to feel like others see my worth and appreciate it.
4. Need to be loved - This is one I don't fully understand yet...what does it mean to be loved? I think I will be asking that question for the rest of my life.
5. Need to feel thought of - I like it when I feel like others have considered that I exist...and then that they have done something about it.
6. Need to feel content with things around me - I spend so much of my time wishing that I was doing something more. I need to feel content with what I have and where I am.
7. Need to feel accepted - This goes back to the old playground idea. If you're not part of the group then you're going to get made fun of. Having been home-schooled for part of my life, I have a fear of not fitting in with other people.
8. Need to feel connected with others - This is a major one for me. I want to feel like I have a connection with others. That I am more than superficially interacting with them.

What emotional needs do you have?

This is my check in for today. I pray that I will be able to have another 24 hours under my belt next time I post.

-GH

Being Wrong Is Ok

6 days sober:

I learned that being wrong in an argument is ok. Giving in and admitting that you were wrong actually goes a long way. I have been taught this over and over in my life...and I still haven't picked up on it.

Rather than admit a mistake,
Nations have gone to war,
Families have separated,
And good people have sacrificed everything dear to them.

Admitting you were wrong is just another way of saying you are wiser today than you were yesterday.

 I try to live according to that quote.

Now, I have a couple things to surrender:

• A weakness of mine in not checking out girls is blonde hair. I am VERY attracted to blonde hair...and I am marrying a red-head! :) Red-heads are very attractive as well, don't get me wrong. I just seem to be unable to not turn my head to look at a blonde for some reason. This has caused me to take street lust hits even though I am engaged. I need to surrender the power blonde hair has over me.
• Linked with the weakness above, I have experienced some feelings of attraction and fantasy for the girl who cleans up the office I work in. She works in the morning and it is usually just me and her in the office. I haven't ever spoken more than 5 words to her, but she has a very nicely shaped body and blonde hair. I have checked her out several times and I don't want to be doing that.
• I take street lust hits on most girls when I look at them. Any ideas on how to not do that?  The only thing I can think of is praying for them.

I wanted to check in. This is my daily check in and this is my experience.

-GH

Reminder To Call

2 days sober:

I got a phone call when I was working this morning from another guy in SA. I wasn't able to answer it due to the fact that I was working, but after I got off I called him back and talked with him.

Obviously I won't share what he shared with me, but I will share the feelings I had while talking with him.

• I felt happy.
• I felt hope.
• I felt strength from another as we were vulnerable and shared with each other our problems and thoughts. We truly connected as we talked.
• I felt reassured that I am on the right path. Not from the fellow SA member, but from God.
• I felt renewed determination to battle my faults.

My point with all of this is that these feelings came from my being honest with him and also my being vulnerable. I was impressed with that today as I spoke with him and I am very grateful that I was able to feel this and be aware enough to realize what I was feeling.

This is my experience and this is my daily check-in.

-GH

A Good Storm

1 day sober:

Today I would like to list off the things I am grateful for. I am about to go to bed and I thought this would be a good practice to start up again.

• I am grateful for how blessed I have been able to stay within my budget so far this month. Even with acting out every few days I have been able to stay within my budget. Usually I go on binge spending or I try to make myself feel better by buying quite a few things. That hasn't happened this month and I am grateful for this!
• I am grateful I have a job and can make money for my future marriage. Saving this money has helped me realize that I can do so much with the Lord's help...but only with His help. I am lost without Him.
•  I am grateful for the storm that we had yesterday where I live. For the last while the air quality has been awful, but the intense wind yesterday blew all that nasty air out of the valley and so now we have some very clear air with which to appreciate the beautiful creations God has blessed us with.

• I am grateful for the wonderful cooking skills of my fiance. We had some wonderful pancakes for lunch and as I ate them I just became VERY grateful for her cooking skills. She is so wonderful.

This is my experience and this is my check in. Here's to another 24 hours of recovery.

-GH