3 days sober:
I think the biggest struggle I have had in the last couple weeks, and why I have relapsed a couple times, has been keeping myself occupied and busy. Not only busy, but productive. Feeling like I am doing something worthwhile. Doing something and feeling fulfilled afterwards. Anyone else ever feel that way?
I have tried several things:
Watching porn videos - didn't work
Reading pornographic stories - didn't work
Reading a book series - sorta worked
Studying the scriptures - worked
Watching movies - sorta worked
Hanging out with friends - worked
Watching girls by the pool - didn't work
Why didn't some of them work or why did only some of them sort of work? I think the purpose behind the activity gives a hint as to why they worked. Obviously the first two and the last one are not going to work because they are manifestations of lust and the purpose of the activity is to feed the addiction. Reading a book and watching a movie sort of worked because they distract and occupy my mind, but they don't actually fight any of the affects of an addiction to lust. Depending on the content of either, they actually could feed the addiction as well!
So, what is different about studying the scriptures and hanging out with friends? What is the underlying purpose? Each one has a different purpose, but they both fight/reverse the affects of an addiction to lust.
Studying the scriptures - Purpose: to build and strengthen my spiritual character and fortitude as well forge a stronger bond with my Heavenly Father. This makes me feel fulfilled because I am growing something inside me that has been tamped down and cut back for so long that it is yearning to be set free and to grow.
Hanging out with friends - Purpose: to get outside myself, to focus on helping others, and to build lasting, real relationships with real people who matter. Fulfillment comes from being around others as I focus on them and as I focus on getting to know them. These connections will help me get outside my head and to start healing.
If you ever feel like you aren't getting fulfillment, I encourage you to analyze what your activities are and what the real purpose is behind each activity. This works for anyone NOT suffering from an addiction too, just fyi!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
The Drive of Recovery
2 days sober:
Today I started out very motivated. I got up, prayed, and then sat down and studied the scriptures and gospel principles for about 30 minutes. It was wonderful! However...since I stopped studying I have just wasted over an hour on the computer. So, this is going to stop! I am going to get up and do something today!
How do I get motivated? I try to find a reason for doing something. If I have a reason for doing something then I am usually much more excited about doing it than I otherwise would be.
I've had some pretty interesting impulses this morning...internet searches I want to do in order to see if there are videos out there about what is on my mind. So, I surrender my right to wander the internet!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today I started out very motivated. I got up, prayed, and then sat down and studied the scriptures and gospel principles for about 30 minutes. It was wonderful! However...since I stopped studying I have just wasted over an hour on the computer. So, this is going to stop! I am going to get up and do something today!
How do I get motivated? I try to find a reason for doing something. If I have a reason for doing something then I am usually much more excited about doing it than I otherwise would be.
I've had some pretty interesting impulses this morning...internet searches I want to do in order to see if there are videos out there about what is on my mind. So, I surrender my right to wander the internet!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sure Foundation for Recovery
1 day sober: (I hate it when that number is so low...)
Well, true to my daily checklist of things to do each day, I got up and had my 20 minutes of scripture study! My mom shared with me a study schedule that her Stake President suggested, so I am starting on that! It is 12 weeks long...so I'm making it a goal to make it that long in recovery. And hopefully even longer! But I still need to remember to take it just one day, one hour, one minute at a time or else I won't make it!
So, the study schedule has a scripture that you read each day for a week and think about it for that whole week and what it means to you personally. There are also talks from Apostles, the Prophet, and other church leaders from the last General Conference that go along with each scripture to help facilitate the pondering what it means personally.
This weeks scripture is Helaman 5:12 from the Book of Mormon.
"And now, my sons, remember, remember, that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
I've read this scripture many times since I was 14 and never before have I really thought about what it would mean to have that promise. "When the devil shall send forth his mighty winds...yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have NO power over you...because of the rock upon which ye are built." That is an amazing promise. When I read that this morning my mind immediately shot back to last night when I relapsed and how it literally felt like I was caught up in a storm and that I was being beat upon...and the only rest I received was when I reached out to my Heavenly Father and to my Savior to help me. It was then that I felt their love and their support and I was able to throw off the dark thoughts that had been keeping me down.
I am going to work on rebuilding my foundation on the rock of Christ. It's going to be a long hard road...but I know that as I rely on Him as my Redeemer and Savior and take part in His Atonement, then I will be strengthened to walk with Him each day.
This is my experience, my daily check in, and my hope for another 24 hours or sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, true to my daily checklist of things to do each day, I got up and had my 20 minutes of scripture study! My mom shared with me a study schedule that her Stake President suggested, so I am starting on that! It is 12 weeks long...so I'm making it a goal to make it that long in recovery. And hopefully even longer! But I still need to remember to take it just one day, one hour, one minute at a time or else I won't make it!
So, the study schedule has a scripture that you read each day for a week and think about it for that whole week and what it means to you personally. There are also talks from Apostles, the Prophet, and other church leaders from the last General Conference that go along with each scripture to help facilitate the pondering what it means personally.
This weeks scripture is Helaman 5:12 from the Book of Mormon.
"And now, my sons, remember, remember, that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
I've read this scripture many times since I was 14 and never before have I really thought about what it would mean to have that promise. "When the devil shall send forth his mighty winds...yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have NO power over you...because of the rock upon which ye are built." That is an amazing promise. When I read that this morning my mind immediately shot back to last night when I relapsed and how it literally felt like I was caught up in a storm and that I was being beat upon...and the only rest I received was when I reached out to my Heavenly Father and to my Savior to help me. It was then that I felt their love and their support and I was able to throw off the dark thoughts that had been keeping me down.
I am going to work on rebuilding my foundation on the rock of Christ. It's going to be a long hard road...but I know that as I rely on Him as my Redeemer and Savior and take part in His Atonement, then I will be strengthened to walk with Him each day.
This is my experience, my daily check in, and my hope for another 24 hours or sobriety!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Hit Bottom Again
30 minutes sober:
Well, I just messed up again. I hate the separation that comes between me and God (I'm sure it's put there by my own mind) and also the distance that I put between me and those around me that I love.
Here's what led up to this one:
-I wasn't calling my sponsor
-I haven't been calling my accountability partner
-I haven't been studying recovery material
-I haven't been having sincere prayer throughout the day
-I have been staying up late
-I got in an argument with my girlfriend where I was sharing my concerns and fears, getting upset, tired, hungry, and I didn't feel like she was listening to me or considering my views even though I felt like I was right.
-I wanted to feel good
-I feel like I don't have anything to do in life right now
As you can see, the list is large...so it's no wonder that I messed up! Ugh...I hate myself so much when I do this! I can't seem to get this under control...no, that is exactly right! I cannot get his under control! I have to surrender my will and life over to God...I have to let my Heavenly Father, who loves me and wants what is best for me to guide my life!
I have been studying about the foundation that I should have in life in order to have the strength to do what I need. That foundation is something that I have pounded to dust and I need to start rebuilding...but I can only rebuild this with God. He alone can help me with this. I need His Son's Atonement in my life...I need to be redeemed from the sins that I have committed! I need to return to God.
This is my experience...and this is my daily check in! I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, I just messed up again. I hate the separation that comes between me and God (I'm sure it's put there by my own mind) and also the distance that I put between me and those around me that I love.
Here's what led up to this one:
-I wasn't calling my sponsor
-I haven't been calling my accountability partner
-I haven't been studying recovery material
-I haven't been having sincere prayer throughout the day
-I have been staying up late
-I got in an argument with my girlfriend where I was sharing my concerns and fears, getting upset, tired, hungry, and I didn't feel like she was listening to me or considering my views even though I felt like I was right.
-I wanted to feel good
-I feel like I don't have anything to do in life right now
As you can see, the list is large...so it's no wonder that I messed up! Ugh...I hate myself so much when I do this! I can't seem to get this under control...no, that is exactly right! I cannot get his under control! I have to surrender my will and life over to God...I have to let my Heavenly Father, who loves me and wants what is best for me to guide my life!
I have been studying about the foundation that I should have in life in order to have the strength to do what I need. That foundation is something that I have pounded to dust and I need to start rebuilding...but I can only rebuild this with God. He alone can help me with this. I need His Son's Atonement in my life...I need to be redeemed from the sins that I have committed! I need to return to God.
This is my experience...and this is my daily check in! I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Wedding Reception
11 days sober:
Today I went to a wedding reception. One of my good friends from my hometown got married today and so I went to support him! It was so wonderful to see him married and all that! However, I got a little sad that I haven't gotten married yet. And it might be awhile before that happens. I was able to stay happy and wish them the best though. I did this by focusing on them. How did I want them to feel? How would I want my friends to feel if I was getting married? Get outside of "serving myself" mode and think about others. Service is the key.
I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have gained through the SA program on how to recognize and combat feelings of discouragement, guilt, fear, loneliness, etc. I would be a mess if God hadn't led me to SA. I will be forever grateful to Him for the help He has constantly given me! He has always been constant!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today I went to a wedding reception. One of my good friends from my hometown got married today and so I went to support him! It was so wonderful to see him married and all that! However, I got a little sad that I haven't gotten married yet. And it might be awhile before that happens. I was able to stay happy and wish them the best though. I did this by focusing on them. How did I want them to feel? How would I want my friends to feel if I was getting married? Get outside of "serving myself" mode and think about others. Service is the key.
I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have gained through the SA program on how to recognize and combat feelings of discouragement, guilt, fear, loneliness, etc. I would be a mess if God hadn't led me to SA. I will be forever grateful to Him for the help He has constantly given me! He has always been constant!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours of sobriety and recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
10 days sober:
Well, the only thing worth writing about today is how close I got to crossing the line. Well, I got close to my bottom lines, but I didn't end up resetting my sobriety. I definitely wasn't in recovery today though...and that makes me sad. But, tomorrow is a new day and I commit to being the best I can be!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Well, the only thing worth writing about today is how close I got to crossing the line. Well, I got close to my bottom lines, but I didn't end up resetting my sobriety. I definitely wasn't in recovery today though...and that makes me sad. But, tomorrow is a new day and I commit to being the best I can be!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Combatting Boredom
8 days sober:
So, I had quite the disappointment today. I had a surgery performed 10 weeks ago on my ankle and have been recovering from that. This whole time I have been in 3 different casts. I met with my doctor today to see if I could start walking on it and maybe start driving! Well, the bad news was that I needed another cast. This one I will be able to walk on, but the bad thing is that it will be on for 4 weeks. I am having a pretty hard time accepting it! I was so excited, and this is such a let down.
Needless to say, I have had quite a lot of boredom in the past couple days. My girlfriend is gone, I don't have school, I don't have a job...perfect recipe to make some serious acting out happen right? Yeah...that is what I DON'T want to have happen. So, how am I getting around it? How am I getting out of that boredom and being productive? Goals and books. I am working on 2 different business ventures right now as well as reading books. This is keeping me sane and giving me a sense of purpose right now!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for 24 more hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
So, I had quite the disappointment today. I had a surgery performed 10 weeks ago on my ankle and have been recovering from that. This whole time I have been in 3 different casts. I met with my doctor today to see if I could start walking on it and maybe start driving! Well, the bad news was that I needed another cast. This one I will be able to walk on, but the bad thing is that it will be on for 4 weeks. I am having a pretty hard time accepting it! I was so excited, and this is such a let down.
Needless to say, I have had quite a lot of boredom in the past couple days. My girlfriend is gone, I don't have school, I don't have a job...perfect recipe to make some serious acting out happen right? Yeah...that is what I DON'T want to have happen. So, how am I getting around it? How am I getting out of that boredom and being productive? Goals and books. I am working on 2 different business ventures right now as well as reading books. This is keeping me sane and giving me a sense of purpose right now!
This is my daily check in and this is my hope for 24 more hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
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