Surrender. This is a word I have really struggled to understand. I don't fully understand it yet and I'm not sure I will ever. But I want to. I am trying to now.
I started over on the 12 Steps today. "What? You have 72 days of sobriety! You should be on like step 5 or something!" Yeah, well, I haven't been working the steps. I have gotten this far only through God's help.
I believe recovery is possible but I haven't always. As of yesterday I was a little doubtful. There was a little nagging feeling in the back of my mind while I was in group yesterday. That feeling was doubt. Its worse than fear.
I have a goal this week to read Step One material every day and then write about it. Write my thoughts. Write my feelings. Write quotes so I can remember them.
Surrender is...the key...to a joyful and purposeful life with others.
As I finished reading about Step One in the White Book of SA, I read something I haven't ever seen or thought of before. This sentence talked about sexual sobriety and emotional sobriety. For so long I have been focused on my sexual sobriety and wondering when I would be able to have a year, two, five, ten.
Mind opened today.
I'm 72 days sexually sober, but today I am starting my emotional sobriety. I am not going to count days, but I AM going to strive for emotional sobriety every day. Without this side of recovery...there will be no recovery.
I am powerless over my defects: resentment, anger, pride, annoyance with others, tiredness, dependency...and I am still working on finding others. But, I am powerless over them. I cannot control them without God's help.
I surrender myself to Thee, God, to do with me as Thou wilt.
With that, I will take another 24 hours.
-GH
