19 days sober:
Last night I had a little escapade where I almost lost my sobriety, but luckily I was able to control my emotions and let go of the temptation.
I am a Mormon and we had the opportunity to listen to Prophets and Apostles yesterday. In a session especially directed at the men of the Church, I heard the line, "You are not defined by your sins, but by your Divine Potential." That hit me like a ton of bricks! I have been so saddened by the thought that for the rest of my life I am going to be a Recovering Sexaholic. That is not totally right nor is it wholly wrong. That will forever be part of me and part of my past, but my real identity is what the speaker then emphasized. He said all of us Priesthood Brethren have four basic titles:
1. Son of Heavenly Father
2. Disciple of Jesus Christ
3. Healer of Souls
4. Heir to all that God has
As I go throughout my day today, I am going to try to have all of these titles in mind and emulate the examples of my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. Thinking about them more throughout each day will grow the connection between them and me. This will help me overcome this addiction.
This is my daily check in and this is me hoping for another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
My Struggles Today
18 days sober:
I want to write today a little bit about my feelings and my struggles.
I am doing pretty well in the SA program. I'm working on my First Step Inventory, I have a Sponsor, I have an accountability partner...from the outside I'm sure it looks great and I probably need to give myself credit for what I HAVE done, but I'm still feeling a disconnect. I feel like I am still missing the point. I'm struggling with resentment, I'm having a hard time not looking at girls like objects, and I just feel very discouraged. I was hoping that with a Sponsor I would at least get some hope in my life, but I feel like it has gotten only more difficult. Maybe that is what I am supposed to overcome, but I wish it wasn't so hard. Each day it seems like I find another character flaw that I need to work on. I prayed for God to help me realize how unmanageable my life is, so maybe this is what I get! Ha ha, let's see how this plays out.
Overall I am struggling. I feel like I don't have as big of a testimony of the LDS Church anymore and I feel like I can't articulate what I know, if anything. Today and tomorrow are going to be great opportunities for me and the other members of the LDS faith to listen to our Prophets and Apostles. I have a couple questions on my mind and I really hope I can receive some answers from God through His chosen servants. These are the questions:
-Is the Church true?
-How can I gain a stronger testimony?
-How can I overcome my character defects?
-How can I selflessly love? or What can I do to have charity in my life?
This is my check in and this is my life. I hope it helps someone!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I want to write today a little bit about my feelings and my struggles.
I am doing pretty well in the SA program. I'm working on my First Step Inventory, I have a Sponsor, I have an accountability partner...from the outside I'm sure it looks great and I probably need to give myself credit for what I HAVE done, but I'm still feeling a disconnect. I feel like I am still missing the point. I'm struggling with resentment, I'm having a hard time not looking at girls like objects, and I just feel very discouraged. I was hoping that with a Sponsor I would at least get some hope in my life, but I feel like it has gotten only more difficult. Maybe that is what I am supposed to overcome, but I wish it wasn't so hard. Each day it seems like I find another character flaw that I need to work on. I prayed for God to help me realize how unmanageable my life is, so maybe this is what I get! Ha ha, let's see how this plays out.
Overall I am struggling. I feel like I don't have as big of a testimony of the LDS Church anymore and I feel like I can't articulate what I know, if anything. Today and tomorrow are going to be great opportunities for me and the other members of the LDS faith to listen to our Prophets and Apostles. I have a couple questions on my mind and I really hope I can receive some answers from God through His chosen servants. These are the questions:
-Is the Church true?
-How can I gain a stronger testimony?
-How can I overcome my character defects?
-How can I selflessly love? or What can I do to have charity in my life?
This is my check in and this is my life. I hope it helps someone!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Friday, April 5, 2013
Sharing My Time
17 days sober:
Today I am having a really hard time coming to grips with my girlfriend's family being in town. We are going to be spending the weekend with them and I am scared at my reaction to it. When I went up to where they live to meet them I had to spend the nights up there sleeping at my girlfriend's grandparent's house because her parents didn't want me staying there at the house. Also, her dad has a real problem with me and her showing each other affection. We don't make out or kiss in front of them, but when I had my arm around her shoulder he was going on about how we were all over each other. Basically I feel like his standards are ridiculous and out-dated. I feel restricted by him and I feel like he has forgotten what it was like when he was in love with his wife. I also feel a bit of distrust and disapproval.
So, going into this weekend with those feelings, I am under the impression that my girlfriend and I are going to have to not touch each other and not be able to show each other the small tokens of love that we usually do like putting our hands on the other's knee to let them know that we are thinking about them, scratching backs while sitting next to each other, and just plain cuddling. I imagine us sitting there about a foot apart just to please him. It's eating me and I am feeling some serious resentment! Agh...I hate it because I want to like them and be happy around them I just feel restricted and I hate it.
I guess this is my surrender? I just need to let go of the resentment and realize that her parents are new at this kind of thing. My girlfriend is their oldest child and I am getting worn out by the whole, "she's growing up and we've forgotten what it is like to be at that stage." Yeah...I have some serious resentment building right now. I need to make a call and get outside my head.
This is my check-in and I hope I can make it through the day.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Today I am having a really hard time coming to grips with my girlfriend's family being in town. We are going to be spending the weekend with them and I am scared at my reaction to it. When I went up to where they live to meet them I had to spend the nights up there sleeping at my girlfriend's grandparent's house because her parents didn't want me staying there at the house. Also, her dad has a real problem with me and her showing each other affection. We don't make out or kiss in front of them, but when I had my arm around her shoulder he was going on about how we were all over each other. Basically I feel like his standards are ridiculous and out-dated. I feel restricted by him and I feel like he has forgotten what it was like when he was in love with his wife. I also feel a bit of distrust and disapproval.
So, going into this weekend with those feelings, I am under the impression that my girlfriend and I are going to have to not touch each other and not be able to show each other the small tokens of love that we usually do like putting our hands on the other's knee to let them know that we are thinking about them, scratching backs while sitting next to each other, and just plain cuddling. I imagine us sitting there about a foot apart just to please him. It's eating me and I am feeling some serious resentment! Agh...I hate it because I want to like them and be happy around them I just feel restricted and I hate it.
I guess this is my surrender? I just need to let go of the resentment and realize that her parents are new at this kind of thing. My girlfriend is their oldest child and I am getting worn out by the whole, "she's growing up and we've forgotten what it is like to be at that stage." Yeah...I have some serious resentment building right now. I need to make a call and get outside my head.
This is my check-in and I hope I can make it through the day.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Thursday, April 4, 2013
My Listening Experience
16 days sober:
Today I have 3 things to write about: a note from my girlfriend that made my day, the sound of birds early in the morning, and the sound of freedom. This is just some of the thoughts that I had as I went throughout the day. I learned the importance of pausing and recognizing God's hand in my life and I hope I never forget it.
I'm gonna start off with the sound of birds since this was the earliest one that I realized. I had to be at school early this morning...7 am. Yeah, it's a good thing I was there that early because I realized I hadn't finished an assignment that was due at 8! That's another story. I am a gimp right now, I had ankle surgery and am on one of those cool knee scooters that people have now. That also is another story. Today, I want to focus on what I heard as I was zooming across the deserted school campus in the cool, crisp morning. I heard a bird singing in a tree right next to the path that I was on so I stopped for a couple moments to just relax and listen. It was so soothing! I don't normally do this, but this morning I really recognized the importance of stopping and relaxing during the day.
The next thing I noticed this morning was while I was checking in on the phone with my accountability partner. Each morning on campus there is a detail from the ROTC that raises the flag. The American National anthem is played on all the campus speakers so that you can hear it anywhere. As I listened subconsciously to the music I reflected on the freedom that I have in this country. Even with all the problems that seem to be so large, the United States of America is a wonderful country and I am proud to be a citizen! I have been very blessed by God to be in this country my whole life!
A note from my girlfriend today really put my last couple months into perspective. She expressed her love and then, with an outsider's view, she mentioned a couple of the things that I have improved on while in recovery. She mentioned how much peace and strength it gives her and I was very humbled. I have been so focused on the defects in my life that I wasn't giving myself credit for the good things. Having her in my life has been such a strength and a blessing...I love her for it and can't wait until we are married for eternity in an LDS temple through the priesthood of God!
This is my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Here's a great video that can give one hope:
http://overcomingpornography.org/individuals/recovery-stories/video/meet-troy?lang=eng
Today I have 3 things to write about: a note from my girlfriend that made my day, the sound of birds early in the morning, and the sound of freedom. This is just some of the thoughts that I had as I went throughout the day. I learned the importance of pausing and recognizing God's hand in my life and I hope I never forget it.
I'm gonna start off with the sound of birds since this was the earliest one that I realized. I had to be at school early this morning...7 am. Yeah, it's a good thing I was there that early because I realized I hadn't finished an assignment that was due at 8! That's another story. I am a gimp right now, I had ankle surgery and am on one of those cool knee scooters that people have now. That also is another story. Today, I want to focus on what I heard as I was zooming across the deserted school campus in the cool, crisp morning. I heard a bird singing in a tree right next to the path that I was on so I stopped for a couple moments to just relax and listen. It was so soothing! I don't normally do this, but this morning I really recognized the importance of stopping and relaxing during the day.
The next thing I noticed this morning was while I was checking in on the phone with my accountability partner. Each morning on campus there is a detail from the ROTC that raises the flag. The American National anthem is played on all the campus speakers so that you can hear it anywhere. As I listened subconsciously to the music I reflected on the freedom that I have in this country. Even with all the problems that seem to be so large, the United States of America is a wonderful country and I am proud to be a citizen! I have been very blessed by God to be in this country my whole life!
A note from my girlfriend today really put my last couple months into perspective. She expressed her love and then, with an outsider's view, she mentioned a couple of the things that I have improved on while in recovery. She mentioned how much peace and strength it gives her and I was very humbled. I have been so focused on the defects in my life that I wasn't giving myself credit for the good things. Having her in my life has been such a strength and a blessing...I love her for it and can't wait until we are married for eternity in an LDS temple through the priesthood of God!
This is my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Here's a great video that can give one hope:
http://overcomingpornography.org/individuals/recovery-stories/video/meet-troy?lang=eng
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Today's Recovery
15 days sober:
This morning I reached another milestone; I followed advice from my Sponsor and arranged to have an accountability partner. I called another person this morning with whom I had previously agreed to call and then did the following:
1. Committed to stay sober for the next 24 hours
2. Surrendered my right to act out today
3. Arranged a time tomorrow to call
It is amazing how much this has helped me today. I am accountable to someone! When I call him tomorrow morning I am going to have to report on my commitment and he's going to report on his. I feel a great burden lifted off my shoulder. Any experiences with accountability partners out there?
Another thing that has been on my mind...my room-mate. I have lived with him for the past 6 months, known him for about 2 years now, and wow...I am fed up and shouldn't be! I just can't get over the fact that he whistles all the time, hums incessantly, and if I am ever studying for school in my apartment he is singing at the top of his lungs to songs that I can't hear because he has his earbuds in.
Yeah...it's a little annoying and yet, I can't get upset with him. He has come from a different background and family than me and he has his right to do what he wants. I do feel like he is inconsiderate, but I shouldn't get upset with him to the point of never wanting to talk with him again. Last night I was very tired and he asked me if it was okay if he wrote in his journal in our room with the light on while I was trying to sleep. I am glad he asked me...it really shows that he does think about others' well-being sometimes. I am sad that I wasn't more gracious in my reply to him. I said, "Is there any way you could write out in the main room? I'm exhausted and need to sleep." Any ideas on how I could have handled that better?
Now, I surrender any resentment I felt this morning or last night, as well as any guilt or shame that I felt from my actions. I commit to being better and more considerate in MY actions because those are the only ones that are even barely under my control. As I turn my life over to God I need to first have a base life of charity so that he can build a mansion of love and righteousness.
This is my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
This morning I reached another milestone; I followed advice from my Sponsor and arranged to have an accountability partner. I called another person this morning with whom I had previously agreed to call and then did the following:
1. Committed to stay sober for the next 24 hours
2. Surrendered my right to act out today
3. Arranged a time tomorrow to call
It is amazing how much this has helped me today. I am accountable to someone! When I call him tomorrow morning I am going to have to report on my commitment and he's going to report on his. I feel a great burden lifted off my shoulder. Any experiences with accountability partners out there?
Another thing that has been on my mind...my room-mate. I have lived with him for the past 6 months, known him for about 2 years now, and wow...I am fed up and shouldn't be! I just can't get over the fact that he whistles all the time, hums incessantly, and if I am ever studying for school in my apartment he is singing at the top of his lungs to songs that I can't hear because he has his earbuds in.
Yeah...it's a little annoying and yet, I can't get upset with him. He has come from a different background and family than me and he has his right to do what he wants. I do feel like he is inconsiderate, but I shouldn't get upset with him to the point of never wanting to talk with him again. Last night I was very tired and he asked me if it was okay if he wrote in his journal in our room with the light on while I was trying to sleep. I am glad he asked me...it really shows that he does think about others' well-being sometimes. I am sad that I wasn't more gracious in my reply to him. I said, "Is there any way you could write out in the main room? I'm exhausted and need to sleep." Any ideas on how I could have handled that better?
Now, I surrender any resentment I felt this morning or last night, as well as any guilt or shame that I felt from my actions. I commit to being better and more considerate in MY actions because those are the only ones that are even barely under my control. As I turn my life over to God I need to first have a base life of charity so that he can build a mansion of love and righteousness.
This is my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours!
-Grateful and Hopeful
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A Lesson of Recovery
14 days sober:
Last night I had a wonderful conversation with my girlfriend and she helped me realize many different things. The biggest thing, the one that I want to focus on in my post today, is that while I do service for others and I feel like I do this relatively selflessly...I am not very good at thinking about others. These are things I have noticed with this character defect in my life: Self-centeredness
My plan for thinking of others is going to start with my girlfriend. I will write down things that she tells me that she values. When we're about to go out and she says that we need to do something sometime I need to just stop, write it down, and then plan on making it come about. I want her to be happy...and I don't want to have any expectations that I will get something in return. I am ready for this addiction to stop affecting every part of my life and for the character defects that I have to slowly be healed. That is my quest!
This is my check in for today and I'll take another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Last night I had a wonderful conversation with my girlfriend and she helped me realize many different things. The biggest thing, the one that I want to focus on in my post today, is that while I do service for others and I feel like I do this relatively selflessly...I am not very good at thinking about others. These are things I have noticed with this character defect in my life: Self-centeredness
- I don't do very well with remembering things that are important to others
- I am very unwilling to consider others' positions in discussions
- I don't compromise very well...I do what I think is compromising, but really it is just convincing the other person to see my point of view as viable
- I don't think about the consequences that my actions are going to have on others around me
My plan for thinking of others is going to start with my girlfriend. I will write down things that she tells me that she values. When we're about to go out and she says that we need to do something sometime I need to just stop, write it down, and then plan on making it come about. I want her to be happy...and I don't want to have any expectations that I will get something in return. I am ready for this addiction to stop affecting every part of my life and for the character defects that I have to slowly be healed. That is my quest!
This is my check in for today and I'll take another 24 hours.
-Grateful and Hopeful
Monday, April 1, 2013
Core Values in my life of Recovery
13 days sober:
I missed a couple days of writing on here...I really need to do better with that! I mean, I can't start slacking on my dailies!
Today I have been on what core values I have or want to have in my life. I was in a class in school and my teacher started sharing hers with us. Here goes!
The Values I Have:
I have been struggling to day with remembering past escapades with girls and fantasizing about what could have happened. I surrender that now!
This my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
I missed a couple days of writing on here...I really need to do better with that! I mean, I can't start slacking on my dailies!
Today I have been on what core values I have or want to have in my life. I was in a class in school and my teacher started sharing hers with us. Here goes!
The Values I Have:
- Determination - When I decide to do something I really decide to do it!
- Patience - I have quite a good base of patience in my life. Whenever I am NOT patient is when I choose to not be.
- Communication - I am a good communicator and can get across the message that I want others to understand.
- Family as the Center - I view my family as the center of my life. I have much more to learn about how to fully make my future family the center and to truly love others, but I want
- Integrity - to a certain degree I have integrity, but I still feel like I am overcoming my tendency to lie from when I was younger. I want my word to be a contract with others and for others to have no reason to mistrust me.
- Resilience - I want to be able to bounce back from failure and disappointment when it comes my way.
- Authenticity - I want to wear one hat. I want others to see ME. This is especially difficult for an addict.
- Devotion - I want the LDS religion to be the center of my life. I want to pattern my life after what God asks me to do.
I have been struggling to day with remembering past escapades with girls and fantasizing about what could have happened. I surrender that now!
This my daily check in and I pray for another 24 hours of recovery!
-Grateful and Hopeful
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